The Girl Who Drank Too Much

If only I were gay…

Dating without drinking alcohol is a little like working out in your dress shoes. You can do it, but you’re gonna look like an asshole. As I’ve told you before, no first date should ever exceed two drinks, but I see nothing wrong with getting entirely Leaving Las Vegas on every date following. Dating is hard, and Internet dating is damn near impossible, so there’s no shame in relaxing yourself with a glass of wine or, say, a gin and tonic IV. Especially if you’re gonna be expected to have sex. I mean, have you seen people have sex? It’s gruesome. You can’t reasonably be asked to sleep with someone for the first time without getting a little buzzed beforehand, right? But there’s a fine line between drinking to become relaxed and drinking to become a total nightmare. This story is about the latter.

Over the years, I’ve had a fair amount of experience with the boozehounds. In college, my freshman-year roommate used to throw up on the floor next to his bed so often that after a month or two he stopped trying to clean the carpet and just cut out the dirty pieces and threw them in the trash. He also listened to Jamiroquoai incessantly. He and I were not close. Later, I had a friend who liked to get drunk and pee in my cat’s litter box. And let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve tried to clean a human-sized amount of pee out of cat-sized pee container. Kinda like being a nurse in the ER, except without all the glamour and disposable gloves. Finally, I myself have been known to tie one on, on occasion. On my 21st birthday, I was introduced to a beverage called the Mind Eraser. Later than night, I threw up so aggressively that I broke the blood vessels around my eyes, making me look like Steve Buscemi for the rest of the week. I’m not sure if my mind was erased, but my dignity certainly was. Little did I realize though that there was a far more skilled drinker waiting in my future.

I can’t tell you what happens next until you buy my book. But it involves public drunkenness, overturned tables, and someone falling asleep in my lap. You’re curious…right?

To read the rest of this story, and a whole slew of other It’s Not a Match classics, buy my new book Not a Match: My True Tales of Online Dating Disasters. 

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5 Responses to The Girl Who Drank Too Much

  1. J says:

    I hope I’m around for every single coffee shop break-up. It really amps up the freelance portion of my day when I’m just sitting at a table, cross-eyed and bored with life and work when OHMYGOD those two people over there are totally breaking up!!!!

    I could never do such a thing in public, but I’m glad there are other people who do.

  2. witmurph says:

    Sounds like my last (and final) roommate. A cardiology nurse! A diabetic! A drunk.
    It’s sad how often I had to peel her off the floor and reinact scenes from ‘Steel Magnolias.’

  3. Pingback: The Girl Who Called Me Chip Boy | It's Not a Match.com

  4. jack del says:

    My last two girlfriends coincidentallyy turned out to be heavy drinkers. Both the same exact age, both in the same phase of life. It IS a deep rooted problem within themselves, very emotional and deep down they are not happy. It’s very fun at first, when you first meet and start hanging out, but it gets old all too quickly and you become very annoyed at their pathetic attempt to be 21 again. They justify it to both themselves and yourself that they are just wild and crazy and like to have fun and you’re just being a prude! Well, the next day when you cannot remember what you said or did, nor what I said or did, including some of the uncalled for remarks you made to me, well, I do believe a line has been drawn. 1)I usually end up driving, so I cannot drink like you are 2) I want to get in the sack and **** you, but that will not happen if both or one of us are inebriated, 3) I don’t want a fat head all day tomorrow.

    Now don’t get me wrong. I drink. I like to go out and have a few on some nights. Catch a nice smooth buzz. But I know WHEN to stop. YOU don’t stop. It’s knowing your limits. And if they don’t know theirs, there is an issue at hand that will not stop unless they either get help or you talk to them, they understand your point, and follow through on it.

    If they don’t, you have no choice, absolutely none, but to leave them despite the circumstances. You may thank yourself later for having been so bold.

  5. Pingback: INaM CLASSIC: The Girl Who Called Me Chip Boy | It's Not a Match.com

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