Hook Chas Up: A Wife for $10,000?

There is a man named Chas who is offering $10,000 to anyone who can find him a wife.

That may be the douchiest sentence ever written about a human being, but, really, it’s true. Not just that there’s actually a person named Chas, but that he’s willing to pay ten grand to whoever introduces him to his future bride. How do I know? Because he’s got his own website, which amounts to, I believe, the first ever instance of a dating site with only one actual member.

Here’s the deal: Chas is a forty-something bachelor living in San Francisco who “works too hard” to meet women in traditional venues (translation: he’s too snobby for prostitutes). Internet dating never worked for him (translation: he’s too lazy to write emails), but “ten years with a life coach” has left him certain that he wants to start a family (translation: yikes). So he created HookChasUp.com, where folks can learn more about him and recommend strangers to be his one and only true love. If he meets, likes, and ultimately marries the lady you suggest, you receive a check for $10,000. It is unclear what prize is waiting for her.

A few of you have written in to ask how I feel about this. Look, obviously, I’m willing to go to great lengths to find a girl. (And a book deal.) I’ve been cried on, laughed at on TV, even nearly duped into fatherhood, but never did I think about offering up cold, hard cash. Well, that’s not true. I definitely thought about it, but a lot of my money is tied up in cat food futures and Blockbuster Video stock right now, so $10,000 is a bit out of my reach. But the question I have is, would such a financial offer actually work? Can money actually buy Chas love?

Let’s break it down…

Here’s what we, and any potential female partner, can piece together about the C-man…

1) His name is Chas.

2) He looks like this:

3) He lists his interests as “travel, snowboarding, tequila, movies, and (cliffhanger…) a bunch of other stuff.”

4) In his own words:

“I like reading. I think Shel Silverstein was a genius.”

“When I was seven, my mom gave me her old stereo and a record player. I’m still speechless.”

“I’m an optimistic guy. I try to see the good in things. Despite a world full of angry drivers, suicide bombers, and people who litter, life is too short for negativity.”

“I enjoy tennis and skateboarding.”

****************************************************************************

Got all that? Oh wait, you know what, there was one picture that I forgot to include…

I mean, could Chas come off as more of an asswipe? Who lists tequila as an interest? The beauty of music from your mom’s old record player still leaves you speechless? Come on. And no, life is not too short for negativity, it’s too long for positivity, so why don’t you grow a pair and ask a girl out on a date, eh Charles? Yeah, that’s right, Charles. Obviously your name is Charles!!!

Phew. Alright. Got that out of my system.

The fact is, it’s hard not to look like sort of a dick in a dating profile. Especially when that profile takes the shape of an entire stand-alone website, thereby lacking the context of other people’s profiles to make it look comparatively less dickish. It’s a tough road to hoe. Then, add a $10,000 bounty for true love because you’re just too busy to look for it yourself? Chas could be a perfectly good guy, but I’m starting to think that there’s no way that money can buy him – or anyone else, for that matter – love.

But maybe I’m wrong. It seems to me that female readers would look at his site, hear the financial offer and, well, want to stick their fingers down their throats. That’s what it does to me, but I’m a dude. Maybe it’s one of those things that ladies find endearing and men think is lame and annoying. There are a lot of those things. Like, Grey’s Anatomy, for instance. Maybe HookChasUp.com is one big Grey’s Anatomy experience, and the utter charm of it is lost on me. I think that the very fact that he’s paying to find love nullifies the valor of his cause, but maybe it’s a romantic gesture that I’m too stone-hearted to understand. What do you think, ladies? Anybody want me to recommend them?

But seriously…tequila as an interest?

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4 Responses to Hook Chas Up: A Wife for $10,000?

  1. Nathan says:

    As am armchair economist, I think it’s great. Economic principles applied to a real-world problem. I only wish I had thought of it.

  2. HArper says:

    This is genius. Plus the movie that will come out of it is a bonus.

  3. that_guy says:

    I knew a guy named Chas. Full name, Charles Taylor. I knew him for 5 years before it dawned on me that he was, in fact, “Chuck Taylor”.

  4. alicia says:

    As usual, you are making me laugh until that embarrassing vein in the middle of my forehead pops out. But the expression is actually “a tough ROW to hoe,” genius…you know, like a gardening reference? Why would anyone hoe a road? Or are you talking about a dirt road? You could hoe on a dirt road, I guess, but whatever you planted would obviously get run over by cars. Or bikes or horses. I love this site, but I really can’t let something like that go. Also, why aren’t there more posts about bad dates with bitchy editor-wannabe ex-colloquial linguistics majors?

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