Even hot girls have it rough.
I was going through my emails last night, doing my best to respond to everyone (I’m trying, I promise!), when all of a sudden…a diamond appeared. It was a note from a reader, and it was amazing. My first thought was to include it in this month’s Awful Story Olympics, but then I realized it needed to be more. “More than a fake competition you made up for your dating blog that involves pictures of prizes instead of actual prizes? How can anything be more than that?” you ask. (You’re getting to be kind of a dick, by the way). Yes – even more than that. This message needed its own column, because it revealed the answer to one of life’s great questions. What is Internet dating like if you’re a really hot chick? I know! Awesome, right?
The reader’s name is Olivia, and I’m sure every guy reading this has emailed his fair share of Olivias. I know I have. You wonder why they’re even on Match, and how one could ever be noticed in the torrent of emails they surely receive. If you’re a lady, you’ve probably seen an Olivia and thought “oh, give it a rest.” Hell, I’m sure I have. No one has a lot of sympathy for hot girls. But after reading this, perhaps you will…
Olivia: At the risk of coming of narcissistic, I’ll admit that I am an attractive girl. I’m 5’10”, slender, blonde hair. I travel for a living which most people find intriguing, Ivy League-educated, and have guys always telling me I’m the quintessential “dream girl”. So in other words, I get a LOT of emails on match. My first day I had 179 and average about 50 daily since then.
B: I’m sorry, let me repeat that. 50 EMAILS A DAY. 50! 179 emails on her first day?! Think of that next time you want to send something lamely uninspired, or are wondering why a fetching girl didn’t write you back. Because 49 other guys hit her up at the exact same time. And her job, most likely, is not “Writing Emails to Dudes I Don’t Know.”
Now, do I have any reason to believe this? Have I seen a photo of Olivia? No I have not. But to me, it just sounds true. Why exaggerate your appeal in an email to some writer you’ll never meet, right? ALSO, she sent me this: a copy of her Match dashboard. It’s insane.
78 new emails, 3811 profile views, and 182 people making Olivia a favorite. You know how many people have made me a favorite? 2, and one of them is in Poland. Honestly, 3811 profile views is one of the craziest numbers I’ve ever seen. I had no idea the counter even went into quadruple digits! So really, anyone still doubting that Olivia’s pretty hot?
(As an aside, I love that even with all this attention, she’s still received zero phone alerts. That new function’s working out great, Match!)
OK, back to the email…
O: All these emails mean I end up not responding to the vast majority of them just due to the sheer number. Most guys take it easy and move on, some attempt second emails (which is usually successful), sometimes even third (which is never successful), but most generally understand: if a girl doesn’t respond, she’s not interested and don’t get upset over it.
The other day I got this email from someone who was NOT happy that I did not respond:
“I’m sorry if I was not hot enough in few pics on a website to get a reply from a supermodel(sarcasm) like you, based on your pics you think way too high of yourself, see I accept being average looking, hence the email to you. Be open to more possibilities than that dream guy/prince charming/underwear model/rich man who will NEVER email you and doesnt exist and you may find real love and an amazing guy here, gettin tons of emails on a dating site doesnt make you more attractive than before you started online dating and suddenly doesnt make you a 10, just to let you know…just means there are alot of horny dbags who havent been with many women and players who figure if they send 300 emails a day out tellin you how hot you are that might get them laid…remember that babe, and your loss on an awesome guy who would have rocked your world in every way ;)
Ps not a lot of gq models looking for average lookin slightly out of shape women, how many years have you been online dating now????!!! lmao well hope your gettin the attn you joined for…enjoy growing old on here, while waiting for george clooney, should be fun :)”
WHAT?
Aren't we all kinda waiting for George Clooney?
B: See. Now you feel kinda sorry for hot girls, don’t you? Her two crimes were existing and not responding, and her punishment was a long, very personal – albeit horribly written – attack email. That kinda sucks. Lucky for us, Olivia doesn’t fuck around.
O: I was appalled. I wanted to ignore it, but it made me angry so I had to write something back. There was a lot wrong with this guy as to why we aren’t matches. He’s 38 and I’m only 25 (creepy). He smokes and I have listed I’m not interested in dating smokers. He didn’t even graduate college, despite the fact I list I’m looking for educated men, and how important it is to be educated. On top of that, he works in construction, and my profile and photos should clearly show our lifestyles don’t mesh. He basically ignored my entire profile, and then got mad at me for not responding. Here’s what I wrote back:
Hello xxx,
First of all, it’s not because you’re not “hot enough” that I didn’t respond to you. I don’t feel I need to apologize for not reciprocating any interest when I’ve clearly listed my desired age range as up to 35. Age is just a number, and I’m sure people only put approximate ranges that aren’t deal-breakers, but 38 is just too old for me and out of my comfort zone.
Secondly, it’s only been four days since you messaged me. I’ve only just recently opened it. I’m constantly at a three-day backlog of messages, and excuse me for not making you a top priority in my life. You’re not the first guy to send a second email… but usually they wait a week or two, and I often respond to second emails because opening one that says, “I emailed you before but thought I’d try again” catches my attention enough to respond.
Oh, and just so you know, I get my match e-mails on my Blackberry, which I can read before signing in online. You know what I like about that? That my phone doesn’t show the photos, and I can read the message without judging the sender based on their looks.
Even if you were 28, I can tell you right now your initial message was pretty much the same comments, same questions, and same tidbits about yourself as 80% of what turns up in my inbox, the exact same kinds of emails I generally don’t respond to, anyway.
The reason I’m on Match at all is to find dates. I don’t do bars, I don’t accept invitations from guys who ask me out after five minutes, and friends have already tried setting me up with every guy they know. I’ve been on here for a month, and despite the nearly 1,500 emails I’ve received, I’ve only gone on three dates… but not because I’m some superficial, picky “supermodel” who wants perfection… I do not have the time. If I go on a date with someone, I probably won’t be available for a second date for a month, a third date for a month after that. That doesn’t work for 99% of guys. So, please, accept my apologies for trying a different approach or trying to meet new people in a modern way. I guess I’m not allowed to be on an online dating site, since you seem to think beautiful people have no trouble finding quality dates, and are baffled that someone like me could be single, or that I just need an ego boost to my already bursting vanity. I’ll just ignore your double standards, sexism and stereotypes if that makes you feel better.
You should feel lucky… This is the longest e-mail I’ve written anyone on match so far. Congratulations.”
Before he read the email.
B: Well…great. Now I’m in love with Olivia. I can’t imagine the delight that must’ve filled this man’s heart when he went to his in-box and saw a message from her. “It worked!,” he thought. “I put her in her place and now she came crawling back to me. They always do. I rule!” And then he opened the email and started to read, and that’s when his day got really really shitty. And how about Olivia laying the smackdown on him?! I now see how she got 182 favorites.
O: Now, again today, I’ve received another angry response for not replying to an email, from some delusional guy who can’t take rejection.
This guy sent me a better-than-average email two weeks ago, and again a week later. He’s not hot, but cute, but I didn’t respond because he lives… 700 MILES AWAY. Did he really think I’m going to respond to someone who doesn’t even live in the same region of the country?
He sent me a short message just saying “I get it, you are just not a very friendly person..”. A little rude, but I can deal with it. But then an hour later (in response to a photo of the NY Skyline, which Olivia jokingly captioned as “You’d have to live in a basement not to recognize this…”)
And FYI, your comment about people who live in basements makes you sound very unintelligent and unattractive…I know a lot of basement dwellers with a much higher IQ than you who aren’t so damn judgmental.
I guess it’s not easy finding a woman with beauty, brains and class. You know the ones who are fun to be around for more than one reason.”
I’ve got a whole library of bad emails if you’d be interested in knowing just how bad some guys’ attempts at contact are, and how to NOT write an email.
B: And that…folks is what we’re saving for next time. I asked Olivia one follow-up question: “If you could tell guys one thing to do to grab your attention, what would it be?”, and got a massive response. Some of it stuff I’ve told you before, some of it brand new even to me. Rather than do a 4,000 word post, I decided break it up into segments, so tune in next week for the next riveting installment. The working title: “Advice From a Hot Girl: How to Meet Your Online Dream Girl.” And believe me, after you read it, you’ll never write another lazy subject line again.
I haven’t used Match in about a year (still recovering from the related PTSD) so I don’t know if this function is still around or if it’s only available to a certain level of membership but…
She should use the inbox filters. You can designate everyone who tries to email you who doesn’t fit into a certain age range, education level, distance from you, smoking habits, marriage history (I think…) to be sent to a different inbox. A spam filter for people, as it were. And then everyone who does fit into these criteria go to your normal inbox. You can still visit the filtered inbox if you want to.
Could help. It helped me.
Olivia,
As an average cuteness girl, who gets an average number of e-mails from all types of Match.com guys from everywhere…you are now my new hero. Alas, I never thought about the abundance of (and creepy) e-mails being beautiful would bring on when on a dating site but now realizing that you get my average intake of emails times 20, I feel for you. Good luck!
Reading about Olivia’s struggle did not make me feel bad for her at all. Maybe she should put a not so hot picture of herself online to weed out the idiots that only want to date her for her supermodel looks. That’s what I do except that I’m not hot and I only have unattractive photos of myself and, what’s worse, they’re the pretty ones. However, I’m sure she can’t take a bad photo.
I kinda hope that she gets off online dating altogether. As I can’t compete with the hot women in LA in real life, thinking that some 25 year old woman with long legs and yellow hair is enticing all the men in my age range (34-39), too, makes me sick. I can only wish her the best of luck in finding someone ASAP. The only thing I feel for her is jealousy.
Next week you can write about celebrities and how it sucks for them to not be able to go to Trader Joe’s without makeup.
Haha, so true!
Sorry, Olivia, but the general public doesn’t feel sympathy for those who have “so much they don’t know what to do with it!!”
Whether that be money, fame, friends, free time, or yes, even potential dates.
Yes, B, I understand finding the freako emails amusing, but please don’t put her “problems” on a pedastal with her own multisection column…
Ha ha, I appreciate your passion, Amy. And to be fair, it wasn’t Olivia who asked for the sympathy – she merely sent me a few horrific emails, and I ran with it from there. But I think her story is interesting, mostly to see how Internet dating can get screwy for all sorts of people in all sorts of situations.
OMG–I agree! Im on match and have the same issues but not as many as Olivia does ofcourse with 50+ a day–I dont get that high but although I do get my fair share, I dont complain about it–the creepers though–whether you get one a day or 50–they’r still creepers! Olivia is not a victim here–although it seems she is–Old, young, average or super model-like, we all–on any dating site, will get the creepy emails so you, Olivia-because you’re (and I dont know this to be true) are such a super-model type are no different. Its called–men and as women (if we are mature enough) have to deal with it if we want to explore online dating! Simply said–hide your profile when you’re away and when you’re not-use the filters–its the little buttons you press to make sure you dont get unwanted responses :)
This is not giving a pass to the jackasses that send follow up “I lost sleep waiting for you to reply to my message” angry emails, but one of my biggest online dating pet peeves is women that take the time to go to a dating site, sign up, fill out a profile, add pictures…and then say they have very little or no time to date. I’ve been in extremely busy stages in my life – even now having 2 jobs, mentoring, hosting exchange students, etc. When I see my plate is full, I wouldn’t go to a site that only is used for meeting new people. So I don’t understand why others do it so often. Was Olivia on Match just to save guys for a rainy day knowing how busy she is? Who likes being put on the back burner for a month or 2? I would suggest that she completely walks away from dating sites until she’s in a place where she can put more time and attention into her love life and meeting someone. And my suggestion to people that get frustrated when they don’t get replies, “send it then forget it.” That way if you don’t get a response, you don’t even remember it. But if you do, then it’s a pleasant surprise.
Seatown, NO ONE has time to respond to 50 emails per day.
Well, being a match participant–if you know you’re going to be away for months and/or you travel–make sure its clear in your profile–very clear–AND hide your profile when you know you wont be available–its easy–click the button! :)
This article totally made me think of B’s previous one where he set up the fake “hot girl” profile with his friend. It’s kind of surprising how this girl, Olivia, is getting such a dramatically higher number of emails than his fake hot woman with the cleverly crafted profile did in his little experiment. Care to venture a guess as to reason(s) on why there’s such a dramatic messaging disparity B?
Very interesting and eye-opening. However, one big question is what Olivia’s profile actually looked like (although the picture caption you mentioned suggests it was informative).
What I am complaining about is the typical profile of hot girls on match : short and frustratingly useless for someone trying to write them an email.
From my experience as a dude on Match and okCupid, most “hot” girls write very brief profiles without anything to work with in your first contact email. Even worse, some will just describe themselves by saying “my friends would call me warm, passionate and loving. I love food and travel and resting at home,” then repeat this about 100 times throughout the profile. Others will finish with the annoying “email me if you want to know more.” Let’s guess what every guy will write : “Hello, my name is X and I’m interested.”
So, hot girl with lame profile: all guys write the same stuff because you gave us zero, one, or two things to work with and there is only a few ways to express how I love my friends with comparable passion to yours.
I focus on this because I think of myself as a B-like guy : someone who wouldn’t have survived evolution if culture, i.e., writing and talking, didn’t become a possible way to compete with the Clooneys and Mannings of the world (Sorry B). So, when my best chance on match is to write a witty email about something related to the girl I’m interested in, I can’t help but get frustrated with such profiles that have nothing to offer. Without anything to work with, my email will sound just like any other douchebag’s email.
Basically, these hot girls (pardon the stereotyping), are redoing their act in real life: I don’t need to tell you about me because I’m hot, so I’ll just pos(t my pictur)e and will passively listen to your greetings.
After doing this righteous rant every time I see a hot girl’s short profile, I end up emailing her 90% of the time. I spend 30 mins going over the same stupid description, trying to figure out an angle in vain. So, I look at my WWBD bracelet (what would B do? — bad idea, I know), and write a funny self-deprecating joke that works less than 1% of the time, and 30% of the time I’ll just see that she visited my profile without emailing, which is even worse (I know, I’m a hypocrite because I do it too). So, during my last days on match, I simply started skipping such short profiles even if the girl was a 9 or a 10. That leaves her mostly with the douchebags and weirdos.
.. or normal guys who haven’t quit on emailing her yet.
Ha, very funny, Sari. Rest assured, when I am confronted with a profile that’s appealing on images but not so much content, I do the exact same thing. Stare at it and try to figure out what the hell I’m going to say. Or, at least, I used to. I’ve since realized that if I can’t think of anything conversation worthy after reading a profile that it’s only gonna be worse if we somehow get to meeting in person. It seems like trying to strike up a conversation is worth it if a woman’s pictures are really that appealing, but honestly, it’s not subsequent emails or conversations are going to get any better. And ultimately, a shitty date with a hot chick is still a shitty date.
You say you’re a “B” guy, don’t be surprised when a girl much hotter than you are doesn’t find you attractive. She has eyes too.
A friend of mine and I are doing that exact experiment right now on OkCupid. We crafted a “hot girl” to see what they go through. It’s been eye-opening. It’s been a week, and this profile has over 400 views and between 5 and 7 emails a day. Now that’s a far cry from 50 emails a day, but it still goes to show you how hard it is to stand out as a guy online.
So I’m supposed to feel bad for someone because too many people want to date her? Even if most of them are losers, it’s still not something I have sympathy for. It’s like if you were offered a free car and you tried to complain about how many models there were you had to choose from. Ok its not really like that but still…
If she is honestly getting that many replies, how is she not meeting enough people in the real world?
Sorry B but no. Let this one go. You just can’t compare the frustration of getting few and far between replies to the mild annoyance of having a too many options to quickly sort through. I’d rather get girls I don’t want sending me pissed off emails, then having the ones I do want not responding at all any day.
Wah, Wah, Olivia, get over yourself
P.S. “At the risk of coming of narcissistic, I’ll admit that I am an attractive girl” There’s really no way to recover any grace after saying something like that
Sorry, Steve, but I don’t agree. Someone who’s attractive isn’t allowed to admit or recognize that? Come on. And my goal isn’t purely to garner sympathy for Olivia, it’s to learn from the experience. Don’t you find it interesting that even for someone who might rate quite high on several traditional scales of desirability, that Match can still be a total drag? I don’t know, I do…
Well–my 2 cents :) Since I am a current match member–everyone has their own idea of what is attractive or above average on whatever level–it could be looks, education, income BUT the one thing that isnt discussed is that you’re looking for a soul mate no? That has nothing to do with education, income or looks (well chemistry does I suppose) so you cannot say in one breath “they can be average and Ill think about responding” etc and in the next say “they’re not educated enough” or “they smoke” etc… these are things that can be changed..the ONE thing that cannot be changed is WHO you are…not what you do and the immature mind of someone like Olivia has no idea until she grows up a bit..everything about a person, even looks (in this day and age) can be changed (other than actual birthdate) but you cannot change essentionally who you really are and THAT should be the only deciding factor..again,, just my 2 cents :)
Why doesn’t she use the filters that match offers???? This Olivia girl is frustrating me too. Why doesn’t she do a search herself, with the qualities she looks for and she herself contact those guys??? Maybe she’s dumb.
“The reader’s name is Olivia, and I’m sure every guy reading this has emailed his fair share of Olivias.”
Not this one. In terms of the range of female attractiveness that would, in return, most likely find me attractive, I have learned over the years exactly where my wheelhouse is. (Also, in my experience, most guys I have ever met are very well aware of their respective wheelhouses. Some, like Olivia’s erstwhile and borderline-illiterate correspondent, choose to ignore it.)
From the sounds of things, Olivia is so far outside my wheelhouse I would read her profile, wonder wtf match was thinking in the first place sending someone like her my way, think “she’s gonna be great for someone else,” and move on by without a second thought. So there’s one less message you have to read, Olivia. Well, unless you count this one, which kind of cancels it out… so, uh, never mind.
Oddly, I’ve received a very similar (in tone and execution) message on match myself; to this day I cannot figure out why. My reply was somewhat more terse: “People that can’t be bothered–or don’t know how–to spell correctly do not interest me in the slightest. Good luck in your search.”
I think Olivia is being unfairly slighted here. No matter the level of attractiveness, no one deserves to be harassed for not responding to someone they aren’t interested in. An over the top polite thing would be to send out a message saying, “no thanks,” but it absolutely is not necessary. Saying attractive women deserve to be flooded with obnoxious emails is akin to saying that actors/actresses deserve to have every waking moment documented by photographers. The only thing I do agree with is that if she only has time for one date a month, she might try something other than online dating for companionship. She would have to be incredibly awesome for me to wait around a month in between dates. And I can’t stand those short profiles. “I’m capable of dressing up for a night on the town or being comfortable in sweats,” so are a lot of people – give me information, so I can attempt to make a connection with you, please. Regardless, I look forward to reading her advice and would love to see what she wrote in her profile.
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I too gave match.com a try (2 weeks as of now) and, although not nearly as bad as “Olivia”, within days I was receiving mass amounts of emails. To date I get about 20 a day. Even though I gave a fairly detailed profile, although somewhat vague for security, I would say that half are mass produced messages. My roommate is also on match.com and we constantly receive the same message from the same guy, word for word.
I can understand the frustration for women when all you want to do is meet a few new interesting men for a date and you wind up with an inbox full of messages from men that never bothered to look at your profile. I took the time to write something out, please read and see if we are even close to being compatible.
I can also understand the frustration on the men’s side when they don’t receive a quick response when they truly tried to write something creative. All I can say is don’t get upset if you don’t get a response for a few days, often times it takes a while to sort out the junk emails from the good ones. And if you never hear back, it might not mean that we don’t find you interesting. It could be we got frustrated and just gave up after the tenth “hey sweetie, you are so hot, I like oxygen too, we should meet up”.
I don’t think they’re waiting for George Clooney to email them. In fact, I don’t think hot girls go out with any of the people who email them. They spent $120 to fuel their narcissism. I’m a man and no humble way to put this; I’m hotter/tied for hotness with all the other guys on match in my area (yes I look at who I’m up against). My sister’s been on the cover of Marie Claire and in Maxim. When I walk around town, most women look at me, and when I look back, they quickly look away. Some make a point of not looking at me at all, and it’s fun to get in their way to see what they do (most often nothing, but sometimes they scowl). I’m 26 and I got a high paying job. I got a nice profile too. Here’s my experience, I’ve been using Match for 4 months, 0 emails sent to me, 0 emails I’ve sent returned, 1 wink from a 38 year old woman in Iowa (I live in California) without a profile pic. However, my profile has been viewed 437 times by 192 members (when they stop their membership the number goes down). I live in a small town too. About 20 are attractive and less than a dozen are truly hot. And I email those hot ones. So who’s viewing me? Are they all creepettes? Waiting to be hit on but too scared to hit on men themselves? Reactionaries. If anything, this site has made me misogynist. There’s some type of gender role thing going on my mother never taught me. Maybe it’s as this article says, the hot girls get so many emails it gets buried in everything, though only one email I’ve ever sent hasn’t been read (it tells you if emails are read). Or maybe they’re fakes similar to what the commentator BJE does. I don’t think that site is for hot people. It’s for average-looking people seeking other average-looking people.
You sound hot Phillip. I’d love to meet you.
Love connection on It’s Not a Match! Let’s make this happen!!!
You cracked me up Philip,
online dating is a place where women date up and men date down, because of the male-female ratio and not making this up. It doesn’t matter how sweet and gentle you are on your emails, how detailed and well crafted is your profile and even if you had great pictures…unless you are writing to someone you would not touch with a 10 feet pole, your response rate is going to be 10-20% and the ones you will get to be on a face to face date less than 5% plus they are going to be dating 3-4 guys….
Last person I went on a date from match told me she met a guy last Sunday, on Wednesday and Thursday, I was her Saturday date, and I asked her… so what’s wrong with these guys? and she told me one was a creap, the other one was “too nice”, and the third one I liked him but I think I can do better… I finished my drink, paid her drink and went home.
P.D. what do I have to do for you to introduce me to your sister? :D
Well, well, well …………………………..
tarsashaz@c2.hu
I’m an attractive gal on Match. I couldn’t deal with all the email, time invovled, and guilt of letting guys down or not responding so I resorted to this —- I list myself as being in a completely different COUNTRY like Iceland. Then I list the guys I’m looking for as being somewhere like Zimbabwae. I know it sounds nutty, and it is a bit – but I’m not trying to be deceitful, just left alone. And it WORKS! It allows me to look at profiles in my own town/area without a constant barrage of emails. I contact the men first, then I immediately (like in the subject line) tell them where I live, and point them to my profile to understand why I do Match the way I do. I have not run into one guy who didn’t understand, and most end up feeling pretty good that they were the one I chose to talk to. They also realize I’m not “candy shopping” around for every dude possible waiting for the next best one to come along. It’s worked for me, and I will continue to do it this way. However, my issue lately is that it’s almost time to re-subscribe and suddenly guys that are “too good to be true” keep popping-up as choices when I do a general search. I truly do think Match is trying to bait me into staying on and continuing my paid subscription. That sucks. I hate the idea of someone sitting in an Match office trying setting up fake profiles and replys, but I’m certain it happens.
Last thing, as I mentioned in my first post, there ARE fake profiles on Match – girls too. I’m guessing that there are more fake “gals” than guys on Match due to the imbalance of the genders on the site in general. So, if some of these guys aren’t getting a response or a gal seems too good to be true, it could be a “fakey”. Some things I’ve noticed that you need to look for in fakes are: a large number of professional looking hot pics, exotic travel places, often with the person doing something “cutsie” with animals or kids; the profile being really well written and creative; they often list “never married”; their profile shows only “miles of” wherever they are, instead of a specific number like “100 miles of”; their age range goes well OVER their own (well under is typical, but not over); they have some really “cushy” job like neuroscience or veterinarian that they just left, or they are new to the area; their income listed is very high; and their “IM” might also be on, which is unusal for the average match member. Also, a “fake” profile may write back to you, maybe once or twice, very short sentences saying little. I’ve read that the opposite type of profile, one with very little effort put into it, is also on Match, but that hasn’t been my experience – maybe because those aren’t the kind I’m interested in looking at in the first place. But if it’s time to renew, a person should be really wary of fakes in general.
I think we all get harassing messages from time to time. We can only ignore them, and appreciate and respond to the ones we like. I’m sure Olivia is getting plenty of emails from at least a few handsome, and young, males with good jobs or college education. Appreciate those, and ignore the psychopaths.
I’m glad Olivia is not settling for the older men that are probably creepy, disgusting older men just looking for a piece of a**
Err…I don’t like the stereotype that just because the guy works in construction he’s uneducated and probably has a different lifestyle from a so-called Ivy League grad. I have a B.S. in compsci, but decided to work in construction. Let me tell you, depending on where you work and for how long, you can make a lot more money work in construction than the traditional route most college grads take. I guess in her case, since she’s from an Ivy League, she might be making well over $100,000 a year, and making this kind of money in construction is only possible if you start your own company. That being said, I guess these stereotypes should not bother be, since I tend to go for the more religious woman who believes there’s more to life than money and social-status.
Darn typos. work in = working in construction. should no bother be = should not bother me. woman who believes there’s more = woman who believes that there’s more
Ha ha Eric. An aside from all the Match tales and intrigue.
You are the first person I’ve ever seen do what I’ve done many times in emails — send follow-up emails correcting myself. I pride myself on my ability to communicate and move people’s ideas and emotions with the written word.
This is not false modesty. My spelling is sometimes so bad that even a spell check program can’t get a clue! :-) Then I’ll Google the word. Google is much more intuitive. Once I made a mistake in a correction; a third email was required. :-)
Oh yes, I did notice in some women’s profiles on Match sarcastic lines such as, “…and please know the difference between to, too and two.” So funny. Hey, I even know “through, though and thought. I’m so proud of myself. :-)
PS B, I don’t usually participate on blogs like this, but your blog is too insightful (and funny) to resist.
Thanks, John. Happy to have you!
Well. it’s true, only blodes re beautiful. I went to these dating sites and men and dating sites as well as dating services are ALL THE SAME!!! I have black hair and eyes,(yes,I ‘m causcasion) But these so-called services consider me ugly. I wrote a very nasty e-mail to Match.com. I give up on love!! there’s no love for me whatever, so I’m Planning on killing myself so I’m sending my LAST POST!
TL, Don’t consider yourself ugly because of what a website says! I know lots of men, (including me) who find dark-haired, dark-eyed women especially attractive and alluring!!!
I’ve noticed the ridiculous number of Russian women on Match – specifically in the UK. They somehow are able to describe themselves not as ‘Attractive, Average or Very attractive’ but as ‘perfect’ – they are generally ‘police officers, cooks or teachers’, and no profile description at all. Then if you even glance at their profile they ask you to mail themselves on a gmail or hotmail address straightaway. I’m on DatingDirect, not Match, which uses the same profiles but has different questions, so if there is a Match option to describe yourself as ‘perfect’ I’d be surprised but also put off by anyone who would describe themselves as such. Perfect? Do you not fart? Snore? Wake up screaming about the invading ninjas? (ok maybe that’s just me)
Oh, and they all have names like ‘babushka’, ‘percolatta’, ‘madeupname-a’ etc etc. And they’re all beautiful. So now I don’t even bother. Don’t give yourself a name ending in ‘-a’, as I’ll assume you are, as B says, a Russian prostitute. Sad, but unfortunately true
I’ve been on match.com about 2 months and will affirm, in Olivia’s defense, that beauty can be isolating. I’m not a supermodel, but if you’re good-looking and well-educated, Match.com is impossible. It works great if you’re average or under-average precisely because most of the people in this world fit that category! If you’re hot and smart – and a person of faith – fuggetaboutit!
Olivia. I was in your shoes ten years ago. I am a former car show model(no, not the bikini/heels kind), and an Ivy League graduate(A.M in Public Policy) as well. I had my share of jerks, but that is the reality of online dating. I just want to send her off with some encouragement, that I did meet an amazing, good looking, highly educated, financially secure, kind, and wonderful man….in Canada. Yes, I ended up moving for him, married him, and had a beautiful baby. No, I do not have my body anymore(though it’s not in BAD shape), he could care less that I attended Harvard 12 years ago, and my career is respectable but not my priority- I’ve recently quit to raise my kids. Guess what Olivia? My husband loves me no matter what. In ten years, you’ll be wishing for a man who loves you regardless of your looks/accomplishments. Your looks won’t last, your resume only impresses employers, and in the end, you’ll realize that a genuine guy is all you really need.
Ha ha Miti, i’m sorry to inform you that there is no correlation between smart and a person of faith. In fact they are mutually exclusive. IMHO of course.
She’s to blame for not setting up the inbox filters to prevent 38 year olds, etc from emailing her. She’d eliminate about 80% of unwanted messages, I bet. Most women have set up these filters and thus are not bombarded with messages. I guess she’s not completely tech literate..
Truly enjoyed your blog. You are very clever! I can kind of relate to this article as I recently joined Match about two months ago. I’m up to almost 10,000 views but it could be the same 20 guys checking me out over and over. Or, maybe some lonely 70 year old with a gimpy leg. I’m in sales and meet people all the time the old fashioned “organic” way. I guess I just wanted to try something different. It’s been fun, regardless and I’m not taking it too seriously. I have to admit though, although I look pretty good for my age, I did shave off an entire decade. I said I’m 42 but I’m 52. Shocking! Who would ever lie on this site! Ha! I’m up front when I meet anyone. Surprisingly they really don’t seen to care. Chalk one up for men! Who would have thought. My screen name is sleemlee by the way. I’m taking it down end of November. :)
Fucking hell, I’m pretty certain I would’ve spotted a 10-year diff! But if you were posting 10-year-old holiday photos that’s not fair.
I TOTALLY know where Olivia is coming from. I would say I fall into the hot girl category – except now I am 40 (w/a 6 year old). But my pics are still hot and I get a bunch of young guys looking for a Mrs. Robinson experience. The first time I tried Match almost a year ago – I had 2500 views in a month and countless emails. It was overwhelming – especially for someone that hadn’t dated since 1995! At first I was doing the thanks but not interested thing – but it just was too much of a time suck. I decided to give it a rest after a handful of dates – and I was pretty open to a lot of different types. Decided to go back on a couple days ago – already had over 100 emails and almost 400 hits in 2 days! Some of the same guys on there from last time. I am using different pics. The crazy thing is I just noticed my soon to be Ex husband on there. That pretty much creeped me out (92% match). Just waiting to see how long before he notices me.
Just felt the need to say I’m sure Olivia is real!
After reading (most of) the comments here, I am compelled to add one of my own. I certainly don’t fall under the, apparently, much coveted category of “hot girl”…far from it. I’m pretty average–not unattractive, but not Heidi Klum either. In the past 9 years, I have been on many dating sites and am currently doing a rather fun social experiment on eHarmony (since it’s miraculously only about $10 a month). Now, I am 59 years old, so my perspective is a bit different. But believe me, we are competing with all those young “hot” girls, too, even in our age range. (I know, creepy, right?) So, my question to the men is, “What great girls are you passing up because they just don’t register (visually) as ‘hot?’” You don’t even bother reading their profiles where you might discover that they are funny, interesting, articulate, grounded and sincere. They DO have time to write back and, in fact, are patiently and hopefully waiting for some great guy to contact them so they can find out just how much more fun (and much lower maintenance) they are. But you’re all too busy writing to women who get 50 emails a day, cannot book a date with you for a month (and then another month later IF she has enjoyed herself enough), and hey, word up, for whom you are just one guy in a long line of guys! I mean, what are the odds and who wants to waste their time playing them? It’s like a lottery, for crying out loud!
So, I guess you can stand in line getting older by the day…waiting…waiting…waiting for the hot women to throw you a bone or you can maybe take a closer look (and when I say “look,” I mean “read!”) at some of the average looking women. By the way, did you know Cleopatra, who is generally thought of as a real beauty (a la Elizabeth Taylor), was really NOT good looking at all, but remarkably sexy…hence her ability to attract the likes of many powerful men.
I’ve told my kids forever–marry someone you can have a great conversation with because, in the end, it’s all you have. The looks go, the energy goes, sometimes the money goes, and the sex life becomes non-existent (or just too darn dangerous)–but a good conversation with a good friend with whom you share wonderful memories keeps the embers glowing, even if the fire is no longer roaring.
All the best….Cynthia
I was a bit offended by her comment that the guy was “creepy” just because he sent an email to a woman 13 years his junior. Isn’t this just another form of ageism?
People are certainly free to exercise whatever preferences they want in a dating marketplace. If a woman (or a man) wants to date only left-handed redheads who were born in July, such is their right.
However, we have to stick to the idea that once you’re an adult, you’re an adult. There aren’t different castes of adult separated by age.
This same woman would likely be very offended if she were treated dismissively in the workplace because she is only 25. However, that is *exactly* what she is doing by labeling a 38-year-old man as “creepy,” simply because he emails a younger woman.
You are either a full adult at 25 or you’re not….You can’t have it both ways.
I’m a current online dating User and I honestly don’t feel bad, I don’t think she deserves to be treated with terrible emails or to be judged either, but simply this blogging is trying to make us feel sympathy for the hot girl, no matter if she puts hot pics or regular pics, at the end of the day, she still has more of an opportunity than us average guys or even great looking guys, you know how many lonely guys are out there, dating is not what it used to be especially my parent’s generation when you liked a girl and you went after her, now it’s all this B.S. and to much vanity, SO NO I DON’T FEEL BAD FOR HER, she could easily just delete the email and move on to the next email, unlike me I have to send out about 80 well thought emails to get a response(that’s not very good)
So I know this is an old thread, but this is very interesting to me! In all honesty, I’m not totally sure what my level of attractiveness is. I’ve had a few men in the past tell me that I’m beautiful, gorgeous, hot (or whatever word you want to use for good looking) but those compliments have been few and far between. I’m pretty tall (5’10) and really shy when it comes to showing interest in a man (initially that is), so sometimes I wonder if that’s why I rarely get hit on or if I’m not really that attractive afterall.
Anyway, with that being said, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m probably an average to slightly above average looking girl…not ugly, but not hot in the sense that every man wants me. Just explaining this so you know what (for lack of a better way of putting it) level I’m on.
I joined match a few months ago and I’ve actually gotten more responses than what I was expecting. I’d say I get about 20-30 winks and/or emails a day. Call me crazy, but I actually find this very flattering! I guess I don’t understand what there is to complain about. If you don’t want to be bombarded, there is the option of putting your profile on “hidden” that way you can search for who YOU want to email. When you find someone, take your profile off of “hidden” and email the guy. Just ignore everyone else that emails you during the time your profile is visable and quit worrying about them thinking you’re a bitch…afterall, you’ve expressed that you really don’t care to spare anyone’s feelings anyway. Here’s another idea..take your pictures completely off of your profile. Trust me, this will eliminate pretty much ALL interest and again, you can email who YOU want to email (and of course tell them that you can send your pics to them later)
As for me, I feel each person deserves some sort of response. I use the same email (or essentially the same) on every guy I have no interested in… “I’ve recently connected with someone else, but I appreciate your email/wink and I wish you the best of luck in your search for Miss Right”
I’ve never once had a bad response from a man when I’ve responded with this. Quite the opposite. Most will tell me to email them if things don’t work out or they’ll tell me that I’m very considerate and express how impressed they are. The best part, it only takes a few minutes a day to send these responses. (especially since i have the same thing written up for each one)
I guess my point is…you should be grateful that you have so many options available to you. If getting too much attention is such an annoyance, there are ways to fix that that really don’t take an ivy league education to figure out… I mean, hell, I went to a state school and even I have figured this out!! :)
I have read so many posts on the topic of the blogger lovers except this post is
in fact a nice piece of writing, keep it up.
Dating a Russian girl is a wonderful experience for everybody. Russian females are charming and sociable. They are excellent housewives. They rank family and motherhood first. They are well-educated. Nearly all Russian women have a university or college education. They are good at many things and highly respect the traditions.Therefore, before striking up a close relationship, men should learn a few important things about Russian culture and traditions.It is necessary to discover some facts about the country, its history, politics and religion. This will indicate that you are full of serious intentions and are genuinely interested in the world around your potential girl-friend or spouse.^
Our blog site
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I just read your book and loved it!
I am so sorry I didn’t know about this site a year ago when I received the exact same second email as Olivia from what sounds like the same guy after not replying to his first email in 3 days time.
Or this morning,when I submitted it to the your site before reading this post!
So awful and amazing to know someone else had those things sent to them.
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I really doubt she got 78 emails in a day or even 2. Winks yes but emails, doubtful. I’d like to see the dates on these emails. If she did get that many emails its probably cause she has a ton of sexy, half naked pics. Even if a chick isn’t beautiful if she’s easy looking guys will think DUH she’s easy!………I’ll tell you about my experience on match. I signed up for the free trial (actually cancelled it after 2.5 days) I think I got 800 views, 1 favorites, 12 likes, 40 winks and 27 emails. Not to mention I had the same people viewing my profile over and over again like stalkers. I think it was the same 5 guys looked 5 times each. People that never winked or anything which was odd I thought. Now Mind you I only posted one pic of me. I had my hair pulled back. You could only see the top of my chest and my face was totally visible and you could see absolutely what I looked like! Not one of those pics where your camera is held 20 inches about you lol. I have a great body (not to sound conceded) but I didn’t post any sexy pics cause I didn’t want pervs bothering me cause they think they’re gonna bang me. Never the less, no one wowed me. I emailed back and forth with a couple guys 2 or 3 guys. One guy was actually pretty cute, not really totally my type but 1 year younger then me. There were some nice guys but just not my type AT ALL. A ton of creepy looking guys that I really didn’t even want checking me out to be honest. I thought about it a lot before canceling andim just at a point I feel like at 28 I’m too old to play the games of some lame dating profile. I felt bad for a few of the nicer guys that emailed me so I returned they winks before canceling my membership lol
She did, I saw her in-box. It was shocking.
I’m a male, almost 40 and still single. I have never joined any dating sites and don’t ever plan to. I’m no GQ model or anything like that. But, I’m not ugly either. I was certainly more attractive back when I wasn’t retirement age like I am now. My looks haven’t completely gone to shit, but they have gone down over time. A little more weight, a good bit less hair. For whatever reason, nothing has ever worked out for me, relationship wise. And I take responsibility for that. I can’t push it off on somebody else and cry that “oh, woe is me, why wouldn’t girls ever date me long enough to give things a chance”. It’s true that no girl ever dated me long enough for anything to develop into a (possible) serious relationship, but I have to stop and realize that the common denominator in all those instances was me. It could be that I’m just not “marrying material”. But, hey, it is what it is. We all pass away one day and it makes zero difference if we are married, single, kids, no kids, rich, poor, nice, mean, a nobody, a superstar, smoking hot or dog ugly, a janitor or the CEO of a large corporation. We all have the same destination, ultimately.
But, this isn’t about me. I’m actually posting this because of a friend of mine. He is just a couple of years younger than me and has never been married. He recently joined a dating site for the first time in his life. He’s doing really well. The problem is, he’s doing a little TOO well. As in he’s somehow getting to go on dates with women who are WAY out of his league. He’s already been out with two Olivia type girls. Hell, he may have even been out with Olivia herself with the luck he’s been having! So, my question is, is match.com have a lot of Olivias? And if so, do they seriously outnumber the men on there? I just don’t get how somebody who has never done much dating in life, is very average (maybe even below average) looking, has practically no personality can suddenly just step up to the plate and start knocking home runs right out of the park, so to speak. Is it that easy on match.com? I ask that one, because, if it is that easy, I need to sign up! While part of me is jealous, the other part of me is kind of concerned for him. It just seems too good to be true. It makes me ask “okay, what’s REALLY going on here?”. But, if I ask him that question, naturally he is going to say “oh, here we go, you are just jealous!”. Because he’s so enamored right now, he is not thinking clearly and he’s not seeing that all this sudden good fortune could very well come with lots of strings attached. If he is seriously just doing that well on there, then (as much as it pains me, LOL) I will say more power to him. But, I just have that feeling that his sudden success is not what it appears to be and something else is definitely going on.
I’m glad I found this blog. My first post (just above this one) was about my suspicions of my friend’s unusual and questionable success on match.com. This post is just about dating in general. Dating just sux. Period. It sux when you are young. It REALLY sux when you are older. Even in the best of times, when you are in your 20′s and you’ve still got most of your hair, your metabolism is still high, so little to no weight issues, your blood pressure and cholesterol are good, and you generally look and feel good, dating still sux. There is not even a word to describe how bad it sux when the hairline goes, the metabolism slows and opens the flood gates for the weight, the body starts to show signs of age and wear, little health issues start, and your youth is a thing of the past. Those younger than you start giggling and making jokes about how you are so old that you are so old, the candles on your birthday cake raised earths temperature by 3 degrees.
You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.
You are so old, you fart dust.
You are so old, you sat next to Jesus in school.
You are so old, you walked into an antique shop and they sold you.
You are so old, your birth-certificate expired.
You are so old, if you to acted your age, you’d die.
Yes, all those have been told to me by today’s youth. And the scary part? I’m still under 40!! The truth of it is, nobody is promised a damn thing. Just because someone was born and takes in oxygen each and every day does not mean they have any kind of God given right to a relationship. Some people will never meet anyone. I never have. I accept that. It just is what it is. I will die alone. But, really, don’t we all die alone? There are lots of people out there who are alone. If someone ever totaled up just SOME of the lonely people and compiled the numbers, you would have to make sure you were sitting down when you read them. The figures would be that staggering. Years ago, I read something about how even some celebrities have trouble meeting people! I don’t know how some people pull it off while others can’t. I don’t know how some broke/unemployed guys with criminal records a mile long can somehow attain women WAY out of their leagues, yet attractive, nice guys with good jobs can’t seem to even get a look. I don’t get it. At any rate, as hard as dating is now, hang on to your hats, because it’s about to get tougher. Social media is doing a lot of damage in that it is causing people to honestly forget how to be social. There are married people out there who are actually dating now. Call it an open marriage, or whatever, but it is happening. It sort of makes me glad that I just gave up. I feel sorry for the next wave of up and coming single people. Good luck to them all. They will need it.
One of the things I have learned in my time on Match and POF and OKC is that, when all is said and done, the same “mechanics” are at work online that apply in the “real world”. Some of them are amplified because of the relative anonymity of the ‘net. But it is still the same thing.
In the basic male-female dynamic (and this was illustrated in a great SNL skit with Tom Brady quite a few years ago), “sexual harassment” for women is “being hit on by a guy they do not find attractive”. The problem is: That is most of the men. Vice versa it is actually quite similar but men handle it differently. But, relationship studies support this, we do not ‘fall in love’ or even ‘fall in like’ with most people that we meet. Consequently, most dates are doomed to fail. And so long as both sides accept that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince (and actually take a pro-active approach and “do” kiss a lot of frogs; male or female) that is OK. The problem is (for men) that most women don’t. I postulate that, in aggregate, men are generally more willing to give women you are not initially perfect matches “a chance” (i.e. a “first date”) than vice versa.
Yes, women are inundated with replies, both savory and not; that’s the sad truth. I also did an experiment on CL a few years back and place a M4W ad. Within 30 minutes I had 67 replies and but the end of the hour about 180 or so. Some with pictures that boggle the mind. I read the first five; scanned the next five and pitched the rest. That is what men are up against even if they are decent and writing a decent reply.
However, the second issue is that the available technology on the ‘net tempts people (men and women alike) to build unreasonable expectations into searchable profiles: I want yay tall or yay short, this ethnicity or that, this type of hair, that type of income, chest size, education, political leanings, food preferences, job, children (or not), pets, dreams, hopes, high heels and a loving kinkiness in bed… That person, in real life, pretty much does not exist. On the flip side, the wealth of information out there is then also not used or, rather, disregarded for more shallow or, at least, short-sighted gauges of “character”.
On OKC you can answer way over a thousand questions on all kinds of issues from personality to sex to politics to what-have-you. You can also weight how important an issue is or what alternatives you are willing to accept (“seeking non-smoker but trying to stop is OK”). That is extrapolated in to a “match score” between you an any profile you look at. I am 42 (43 in the summer) and “looking” in the range 25 to 38. Somehow, though, most women who find my interest end up between 28 and 32 (at least that’s how it turned out recently). Some (those that I write to) have a matching score of between 95 and 99 percent across all issues and, sometimes, on issues they and I marked as “care about” even 100. You would think that with such matches, you would want to at least have a cup of coffee to see how you get along in person. Not so, if the age difference is ten years or more. The prejudicial assumption is that, no matter how good the match, that is “just creepy”.
Also, let us not kid ourselves, 90 percent of the decision on either side is, on the web, initially made because of the photo. Real life works differently, most dates are not “blind”: You see the other person operate, be charming and funny and the “attractiveness” is influenced by that. So long as the physical appearance rates a “neutral” you “like” the person (or not) before the question of a date comes up but you are willing to give wider berth to what is “required” by you. On Match, you can filter that you do not want responses from someone older than, say “3x” years of age. And you will miss the guy who you would go out with if he asked you out at work because, while he is already “3X+2″, you don’t know that and, hey, you “like” him. And you don’t really care about his age. Is it really important if she is 5’5″ and not 5’6″?
Between the ages of 36 and 39 I had a girlfriend for almost three years who I had been casually introduced to by an acquaintance; not as a “date” but over a situation that she needed help with and I could help her. She was she was 24 year old at the start. Pretty much exactly 12 years younger. We broke up when she moved 800 miles away for a job and we are still friends and talk two or three times a year. In a conversation within those years she admitted that, had she not made my acquaintance at a non-romantic level and come to “know me” she would not have given me the time of day had I made a pass at her. I was “too old” and “not her type”. Her “type” up to then had been 28yo pretty boys.
Like in job interviews, the profile (the resume) is really used to find out you do “not” want to hire. And that is, really, most of the applicants. It’s just that in this “game” women mostly do not initiate contact in quite the same fashion and with quite the same frequency as men do and, as we all know and loathe, “common courtesy” is really not all of that common anywhere. And so the numbers are as they are and women are deluged to the point of exhaustion.
Finally, let us not forget that the sites make money through “searching” and not through “finding”. That’s how you find profiles from people who have not signed on in eight months and likely never will again. But it gives you the illusion of a greater field of candidates. In a way you have to look at it as a marketing campaign: A response rate of four percent is good. Not all of those who respond will buy. You have to enjoy selling or you are doomed. :)
So Match is; a bunch of fat, ugly chicks, 3 times that many guys looking for a date that doesn’t look like a farm animal, and one hot chick that never goes on dates. Sounds like if you are a normal guy, with a normal amount of free time for Match, you are not getting $h1t. Can’t win, don’t try, got it. Way too many guys and no quality women, so much so, that a decent looking girl can’t even be on the site in a normal way. Sounds just like every other dating option. Is that the case or has the site been worth bothering with for anyone?
Uh…what? lol I’ve been on Match before and quit within a month because there weren’t any decent or halfway attractive guys to be had! NOT ONE. All of them were either missing teeth, overweight, or just looked plain dirty. A lot of them also lacked basic typing (or writing) skills, so that was a complete turn off. I wouldn’t say I’m a “hot” girl…I’m just an average, girl next door type (and no, not overweight) So yeah…it goes both ways…there seems to be hardly options for anyone looking for a normal, decent person!
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I understand Olivia is overwhelmed with disheartening emails but thought the comment that a 12 year age difference was “creepy” was grotesque and actually offensive to many women a.k.a. Cougars involved in fulfilling relationships with much younger men and those men engaged in fulfilling relationships with much younger women. My parents were 10 years apart in age and had a lifelong, fulfilling, and happy marriage. Olivia’s George Clooney may be out there and may be 10 or 20 years older. While it ain’t me babe, she may be cutting off her nose to spite her face.
You made some fine points there. I did a search on the matter and found mainly folks will agree with your blog