I noticed it for the first time about a year ago. I clicked on a lady’s profile, scrolled through her pictures, and had a good laugh at what I found. It was a funny little surprise actually, and I may have decided to write her based solely on her including it. So when I happened across other women here and there doing the same thing, I wasn’t surprised. It was playful, goofy, set ‘em apart from the crowd. It was the sort of thing Zooey Deschanel would do in her dating profile, if for some reason her fountain of adoring male hipsters ever dried up. All in all, I was a fan. But then, suddenly, without me even noticing – it was everywhere. You’ve probably noticed it yourself, or maybe you haven’t. Maybe it has slipped by you until now, until I dare to say its name aloud, and then all of a sudden you’ll see it too. Everywhere. Like a fungus. This scourge’s name is…Girls With Mustaches.
Need evidence? How about this….?
And those took me like…maybe…20 minutes to collect. See, like I said – EVERYWHERE. Go to OkCupid right now and look through five women’s profiles. Scroll to the last picture (it’s always the last picture – that one’s just for fun!), I promise you will find at least one fake mustache. What I’d like to know is…how? How did all these women decide more or less simultaneously that the way to snag a man was with fake facial hair? It’s just so random, and…not particularly sexy. I mean, they might as well be wearing Groucho glasses or doing the “What You Talking About Willis?” face. What exactly is the play here? What jaunty little notion is supposed to sneak into our minds when we see a woman with a ‘stache?
These are my best guesses:
- The fake mustache is covering up a real mustache.
- Women hope that Tom Selleck’s undeniable sex appeal has crossover potential.
- They think it’s funny.
And it is funny. As I said, the first time I saw a girl with the soup strainer, I was smitten. But this has gone too far. It’s strayed into…dare I say it…guy with shirtless photo territory. Think about it. The first guy to post a shirtless photo ten years ago didn’t think it was so crazy. He put a lot of work into his abs. I mean, he didn’t just bring his yoga ball to the office, he sat on it – instead of his desk chair – all the time! And people laughed, oh sure, they always laugh at the innovators, but then, after six months, he looked great. So he thought, “I look great without my shirt on. Women like men who look great without their shirt on. But how do I get the word out…?”. And soon enough, an empire was born. Sure, that empire led to one of Internet dating’s greatest clichés, and every woman in the history of ever writing in her profile “if you’ve posted a shirtless pic, you’re better off emailing the moon”, but at first, I bet it worked. I bet when Tommy Topless first hit the web, plenty of ladies said admiringly, “It’s such a relief to know what he looks like with his shirt off!” He was probably swamped for months. Just like the first woman to post a mustache picture to her profile was, I’m sure. And then that shit got out of hand.
So please ladies, don’t it. Don’t be the next shirtless guy. Fake mustaches have had their time in the sun, but now that time has come to an end.