IM: The Best Way to Get Someone To Hate You

“How’s it hanging, buster?”

It’s not a stellar way to begin a conversation with anyone. But if it’s how you begin an Instant Message conversation with a person you’ve never met, chances are the two of you aren’t going to fall in love. But honestly, I can’t really blame the woman who sent me this, or all the other failed attempts at romance via IM that I’ve encountered over the years. It’s just a bad wooing format.

I mean, Imagine you’re walking down the street, minding your own business, perhaps listening to your iPod. You’re thinking about your day, what you’re gonna eat for dinner, if should call your Mom later, and then all of a sudden……………BAM!

Someone’s mug is all up in your shit. “Hi! How are you! How’s it going! My name’s Kathy! How’s it hanging, BUSTER?!” It’s uncomfortable. No matter how attractive they are, no matter how clever their intro, you’re taken aback. This is a stranger, in your face, and now you have to deal with them. OK, so you take a second. What do I say to this lady who–

BAM AGAIN. “Sorry, HI! Am I interrupting?! I don’t want to interrupt. You just seem cool! So I just wanted to say HI!” She won’t stop talking, and you don’t know what to do. Is it insulting to just not respond?  OK, you’re just going to not respond. Maybe she’ll go away.

BAM #3. “Are you not gonna respond?! Cause that’s kinda rude. Are you there?! HELLO?! HELLLLO?!” And that’s when you turn around and run in the opposite direction.

People don’t like being ambushed. Especially when, if you’re dating online, there’s a whole lot of reading to do before you know how to respond to said ambush. The immediate message function on these sites makes sense, I suppose, if you’ve been emailing a bit and want to step the contact up a level. But that has never happened to me. The only people who IM me are ones who I’ve never spoken to or seen before, and seem incredibly drunk. So then I have to go to their profile, read it through quickly to see what they’re like, realize that they seem drunk more or less all the time, and then watch them IM me over and over and pretend this isn’t happening.

I’m not saying it can’t work, I’m just saying I doubt it will work. Let’s put it this way: I can remember emails that won me over and dates that blew my mind, but for the life of me I can’t remember a single detail from a single chat I’ve had over IM in my entire life. Other than the girl who asked me how it all was hanging, of course. Isn’t that all you need to know?

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4 Responses to IM: The Best Way to Get Someone To Hate You

  1. ayanna7 says:

    turning off my IM was the first thing I did when I joined OKC.

  2. erinski says:

    I love the IM function, it is so entertaining. In my experience, the people who use it seem to be especially incapable of taking a hint, seem unfamiliar with the concept of grammar, and tend to be the most desperate of all the desperates.

    Sample convo:
    Him: hey cutie
    Him: hi
    Him: …
    Him: r u there?
    Him: hello?
    Him: w/e ur not even that hott so dont kno why u think ur to good to talk to me.
    Him: u dont even have tits and i like blonde chicks.

    Several minutes later..

    Him: Srsly tho, lemme kno if u wanna chat.

  3. Philip says:

    I’ve had one IM conversation on OKCupid, on my first evening on the site (no-one seems to have the IM on otherwise I would of attempted many more), so it seems a fair deduction to make that if the IM is on they are a little off key, nevertheless, I would partake wholeheartedly if given the chance.

    But anyway 1 conversation, and a fairly long one at that, in which in turns out that the Girl lived in the same part of the city as me, ah where about’s? oh off xxx main street…wow me too, what road? oooh same road! what number, ah no shit, next door!!!

    The conversation then switched to her asking me not to tell her housemate she was Bi if I spoke to her, or that she was on OKCupid etc etc etc. Now that’s a little close to home. Although of course convenient sex was all I took from the ridiculous coincidence.

  4. Pingback: Question: Is This Man a Scumbag? | It's Not a Match.com

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