Men: Don’t Talk About Sex in Your Emails

The Emmy we’ll receive next year, when they include a category for a dating blogs.

Surely you’ve read last week’s groundbreaking post about people who discuss sex in their dating profiles. I’ve been contacted by some very important and people, and talk is we’re up for a Peabody. (Disclaimer: May not be true.) But I’ve gotten a few emails from women saying they felt unduly singled out, that really I was just telling females not to talk about sex and that men were going unpunished. So this week, it’s time to balance the scales.

I don’t know if men talk excessively about sex in their profiles, I don’t really look at guy’s profiles. But they probably do, I mean, they talk excessively about sex pretty much everywhere else. But one place I know men misbehave to a comical amount is in their emails, and the texts resulting from those emails. I can’t tell you how many women have forwarded me horrendous messages from men asking them to perform sexual acts that I didn’t even know where physically possible. Offering to wear ladies’ asses as a hat has become surprisingly popular, even though it must be fairly uncomfortable for the woman and absolute murder on the guy’s back. But still the image endures. I don’t post any of these, because once you start documenting the lasciviousness of mankind, where are exactly are you supposed to stop? But in response to last week’s column I got a letter from a reader that encapsulates male behavior perfectly. We’ll call Kate B. Look at what poor Kate had to endure.

I have to share this OkCupid experience that has left my mind blown and grossed out. This seemingly nice, super normal, stable, good-looking guy made me chuckle a few times in our messages, then asked me out for beers that Friday after work.  I oblige and we have a very nice two hour/three beer meeting and agreed we should definitely go out again.  He texts me within a few hours and we exchange texts all weekend, nice pleasantries, nothing too serious.  Monday happens, and I get a message in my okc mailbox from him.  Here is what the message says:

A friend comforts Kate after receiving the email.

“Hey, I know this isn’t the message you are looking for. But I met up with my ex this weekend and we are going to try things out again.  I’m so sorry to do this to you.”  

I’m like, bummer! This guy was nice, but I’m not heartbroken.  We had like 2 hours of nice conversation and half a dozen texts, I’ll survive.  So I send a nice reply “No worries, these things happen, it was nice to meet you.  Good luck!” Because I’m a nice, sweet girl, and I do really wish the best for this guy. Heck, we are all just looking for that special someone so I can wish him no harm.

Cut to Tuesday morning.  A new message in my inbox:

“HEY! False Alarm, not getting back together with my ex. Dinner this week?”

UMMM….. now that I know that you aren’t over an ex girlfriend?? No thanks.  So I block him and move on.

Almost 8 months later I receive a text from a random number.

Random Number: “Heyyyy how you doin?”

Me: “Umm… fine. Who is this?”

Random Number: “Haha yeah you probably wouldn’t have this number. It’s Calvin, ya know [whatever his okc name is]”

Me: “Sorry, I really need more to go off of…”

Random Number: “We went for beers a while back but the timing wasn’t right.”

I instantly remember who he is. So I don’t respond, obviously. Three hours later:

Random Number: [NAKED CELLPHONE MIRROR PIC]

Random Number: “Remember this? ;)”

So now I’m scarred. Even the nice, funny, normal ones can pull this kind of stuff.  It’s a tough world out there! 

So thanks, naked cellphone picture guys, for getting all us normal dudes folded into the blame from your pants-less universe. It’s like a guy though, isn’t it, to say “Remember This?!” before sending a naked picture of himself to a woman who’s never actually seen him naked. Either he’s too dumb to remember, or is just certain that the lady will be so delighted by his johnson that she won’t care that she’s never seen it before.

I’ve never sent a naked picture of myself to anyone. In fact, if my doctor called me and said, “I need to run a very important test – it’s life or death. Can you please send me a naked picture of your body immediately!” my response would be “Uh…are you sure?” “Can you prove that you’re my doctor?” Unless she’s seen your dick in real life, don’t send her a picture of it, guys. And even then, only if it’s specifically requested. And never, under any circumstances, should you talk about, or show examples of, your whole weird sexual universe to an Internet date. It will only confirm their worst suspicions about you, and in some general way, me. So please, for my sake, keep the naked to yourself.

Next time, send this.

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6 Responses to Men: Don’t Talk About Sex in Your Emails

  1. Michelle says:

    Personally, I’m turned off when I read men’s profiles telling me what a great kisser they are, what a great lover they are, or how they can’t live without sex. I just want to find out if I can stand being in the same room with you for an hour…can you let me decide after that if I want to find out about your sexy time skills?

    I recently went out with a guy for drinks one Sunday afternoon, and we had a great time.
    Lots to talk about, very relaxed and comfortable…all good. He was nice looking, funny, interesting. No conversation inappropriate for a first date.
    The next night, he sends me a text referring to a conversation from the day before…we volley back and forth a couple of times, then he writes, “send me a picture of you”
    Really?
    One date and 6 texts, and you’re asking for material for your masturbatorium?

    Last holiday, I went out twice with a super nice guy, who attempted to sext me whilst watching Xmas movies with his 6 year old daughter. Was he going to rub one out and hope she wouldn’t notice through her shield of tears brought on as the Grinch stole Christmas?

    Dudes…we can pretty much walk into a bar, yell “who wants to f$&k?” and get a handful of takers, even on our worst day. In that scenario, we don’t even have to laugh at your jokes, so why, for the love of Christ, do you think we would invest time in meeting peeps online just to get pics of your dingle dangle? If we want to see it, all we have to do is ask.

    Sheesh.

    • Heartless says:

      Wasn’t that jumping the gun a lil thinking he wanted your pic for masturbation reasons?? If your first date went that well where you was comfortable and no inappropriate conversation why would he ask for a pic for that reason. Did he ask for a inappropriate pic? And did you ask him why he wanted it. Maybe he wanted to show people what a nice looking woman he had met and was now dating. Just sounds like a quick judgement on something that might have been harmless.

  2. MC Kali says:

    Sheesh totally! I loved Michelle’s line “One date and 6 texts, and you’re asking for material for your masturbatorium?” Yes, a whole bunch of you are and it’s time you got taken to school on it. For my part, I have avoided sexualizing my profile and gone further, speaking of my disinterest in uncommitted sex and my desire for lucid friendships with men. This has warded off most idiots, and landed some pretty amazing fan letters from nonetheless unsuitable men who I kindly decline. Also, I don’t walk around town or post photos on my profile proferring you myself via provocative poses and displays of cleavage or thighs – because I am thoroughly convinced that such things do not create what I want to create.

    Photo and sexting generosity is def the easy-to-follow behavior of a good amount of people addicted to peer attention thrills and a craving for excitement that stems from a deep boredom and apathy, a deep unhappiness I think.

    Anyway, considering that “Enlightened is the New Sexy” to me – I am only attracted to dudes who are up to other significantly meaningful stuff with their life energy besides fueling the masturbatorium and ego fantasy. I also think that the culture of compulsive masturbation (which promotes itself as if it is merely normal human adulthood – despite the fact that it is, developmentally, blatantly adolescent at best – aboriginal and native peoples had a whole other take on sexuality, including a reverence for essence….) actually has negatively impacted the skills of a good many would-be lovers and communicators, imho, who don’t really know how to relate to another soul in a body of many splendors. Of course, I generally keep this observation to myself…

    • Heartless says:

      Sorry to say but maybe you should have kept the observations to yourself. Not all men are looking at or for sexy profile pics to masturbate to. and even if they are, making your profile less “sexualizing” isnt going to keep them from being perved lol

  3. MJ says:

    Michelle- *Excellent* response. All totally true. And way too common.

    INAM- This article from last year’s Washington Post pretty much perfectly encapsulates the female perspective on this issue. But, in one word: Ew.

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/listen-up-fellas-naked-man-parts-not-so-sexy/2011/06/01/AGMKSgGH_story.html?hpid=z2

  4. Corkin says:

    I once received an unsolicited dick-pic to which I replied, “Is that dandruff?”
    Who holds his penis out on a fuzzy towel and thinks, “This would make a great picture…”?!? I have a large folder on my phone of “junk” mail. It’s an alarming trend and a total turn off. :(

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