It’s never happened to me because, well, I write amazing emails. Or rather, I write one amazing email, change it a bit, then send it to a ton of different people. But apparently there is a new trend of vigilantism going on out there, a campaign of women trying to stop all the shitty email writing. How do I know? Because the men have come crying to me about it.
I sent a girl this email that I send all the time, and all she wrote back was “I pity the 100 other girls you sent that message to, because it blows.” What the fuckkkkk??!!
I don’t know, I think that’s a pretty good line. She sounds like my kinda lady. But there’s a lot more where this came from.
Woman just wrote me, said I need to go back to school and learn how to write before I try and date. You ever heard that?
I have not heard that, but again, in this case, it doesn’t sound like a totally unreasonable proposition.
Mr. B. I think if a woman is allowed to write a terrible profile, then I am allowed to write her a terrible email, right? Well she doesn’t seem to agree. Because one just wrote me back right away and said “No one will ever write back to that. Do better!” But joke is on her, because ha ha, she actually did write back.
I’m not sure I’m really needed in that one. It seems like that dude is having a perfectly good time without me. But this didn’t used to happen. A year ago, two years ago, I didn’t get these emails. No guys ever wrote me to complain about the treatment they were receiving at the hands of you cruel, merciless women. In fact, all I really got back then were messages from women, decrying the wretched emails us dudes were sending. So I guess you’ve finally taken things into your hands, ladies. Good for you, I suppose? But I gotta ask…is this really necessary?
I mean, isn’t not responding rejection enough? Do you really have to follow up with “I didn’t respond because what you wrote me was pathetic”? That would be like getting someone’s wedding invitation, then declining, and explaining exactly what you’re doing that’s more fun. “I’d love to come, but I have plans to hang out with friends I like more that weekend. Also, the font you chose for your invite sucks.” Guys notice when you don’t write back, they really do. You don’t need to rub their faces in their own mediocrity.
That’s my feeling, anyway. Because I know that if a woman took the time to point out everything lame about my (hypothetically) lame message, that I would feel like a real asshole. But then there’s the issue of temporary insanity. Couldn’t you argue, as many of my lady readers would, that if you get enough terrible messages that it could make you insane to point where you were not accountable for your actions? Because believe me, they’re going insane. How many “Hey, what up sexy?” messages does it take before you crack? 50? 75? How many times can you be told, “Yo, send me some pics of that sweet ass!” before you have to get aggressive? I don’t know. No one has ever requested some pics of my sweet ass. But I’m sure there’s a breaking point. In the case of one reader, it was this…
Honestly, use of the phrase “pro” instead of profile is enough to send me over the edge. But yes, a fine, upstanding female reader of this site got that message, and she had had enough. Not only was it obviously a form letter, but it was obnoxious. As well as somehow being simultaneously both arrogant and insecure. And did I mention he says “pro” instead of profile? So here’s her response, and I gotta say, even though I think it’s a little cruel, it’s also great.
I mean, how can you not love a girl who gets in a plug for the website?!!! Dear readers, when in doubt, just send ‘em to It’s Not a Match. They might not learn anything, but hey, at least it’ll help my hit count! Now, as you might expect, the gentlemen in question responded angrily, saying it was all a joke, which doesn’t seem like much of a defense for something that is obviously not funny. He told her, in more polite words, to fuck off, and she replied with the same. And that’s when my opinion on the bad email vigilantes changed. I mean, she’s having fun. He seems to be having fun, and I sure as hell had fun reading it. Plus, I got a plug! So what’s not to like?
But what do you think? Should a person be chastised for being a bad emailer?