How is This My Match? Scary 21 Year-Old Edition

When I introduced How is This My Match? some months ago, it was in an effort to keep things brief. The internet is designed to be short and sweet, and my posts tend to be more long and sour. Because when you’re discussing things as important as a girl who can’t stop wearing holiday sweaters, you need a lot of words to capture the complexity of the situation. I wanted to keep writing long, but also have shorter pieces that would allow you guys to zip in and out quickly and help me post more often. So HiTMM? was born, and so far you guys really seem to dig it.

Initially I asked you guys not to send me your terrible matches. Because what happened was, I’d giggle at your hilarious descriptions, then I’d check our their profile myself, then they’d see me checking them out, and not realize I was doing it more for laughs than for sexies. So they’d message me, I wouldn’t quite what to do, and everything would get real uncomfortable real fast. Leading, at one point, to me getting an email which read…

(clearing throat, putting on reading glasses…)

“You look familiar. Did I sleep with you?”

And what exactly am I supposed to do with that? So, I asked you to stop forwarding me the bizarrely unsuitable people that Match and OkCupid have bizarrely deemed suitable. But now I say… screw it. Things have gotten quite busy here at the It’s Not a Match home office (i.e. my couch and/or toilet), and with talks of a second book on the horizon, I will take inspiration where I can get it. So please, send me your tired, your poor, your hungry, so that I may mock them and the internet dating service from whence they have come. Seriously. Itsnotamatch@gmail.com. Let’s make it happen!

Wanna know what kind of thing I’m looking for? Well how about this… I mean, How is This My Match?

21 year old woman
Maryland, United States

seeking men 20-25
within 25 miles of Maryland, United States

Alright, look. There are plenty of problems with this, which I’ll get to, but let’s start with the basics. I AM 35 YEARS OLD. I know you know this, Match, because when I click on the profile of myself on your site, it tells me I’m 35. And there’s a picture of me right there to prove it. In fact, if one day I got into a terrible accident and hit my head and needed, more than anything else, to figure out how damn old I was, I would look it up on Match.com, because I know that’s a place where saying exactly how old you are is important. This young lady is seeking a man between 20 and 25. 35 is not a number that’s between 20 and 25. It’s just not. Not even close. And my desired age range starts at, I think, 31, which means the youngest person I would even think about dating is six years older than her most ancient, grandfatherly possibility. That is not good. Honestly, I don’t even really know what algorithms are, but I would think they’d be able to parse a complicated mathematical minefield such as this.

Oh, also, Los Angeles, where I live, is not within 25 miles of Maryland. It’s closer to within 2500 miles. Do you not have a map, Match? You should get a map. Or just use Google Maps. That’s easy too. Or MapQuest, I think that’s still around. That one’s fun because it makes it sound like a dangerous journey….MapQuest!

All of this is to say, Match, that before I’ve even gotten to the specifics of this young lady’s profile, the idea of me dating her is completely preposterous. You might as well have recommended a 75 year-old man. (Smash cut to: Me on a date with Larry King. Confused, but not altogether unhappy. Smash back.)

Now, let’s get down to the nitty gritty…

Her Headline: Like I sayed I am crayz I say what I want to I dont care what ppl think of or say.

Uh oh.

Profile: I’m out going girl I love to go out and have fun as long as I dont get in trobley. When u get to now me I am crazy amd radom. I dont care what ppl say about me or think about me. I can be funny sometimes. 

I would like him to be funney like me for who I am not lie to me us me treast me the same no matter who we are around. Trust me.

Well, I think well all like to have fun as long we don’t get in trobley. Sometimes I feel like I’m the kinda guy that trobley just follows, you know? Oh, pardon me. U now?

The authentically prepared dutch dish, Radom.

Hey, you guys read this site. I make typos. Sometimes I make lots of them, and truth be told, I’m not all that concerned with rooting them out. There’s probably typos in this very post. It’s a blog, I’m not getting paid to write it, you’re not paying to read it, so I feel we can all survive a botched sentence and here and there. But come on, this shit is insane. You’re telling me the algorithms can’t pick up “Male – Writer” and “Female – Thinks ‘Radom’, ‘Funney’, and ‘Treast’ Are Words”, and sense there’s a problem?

College: ITT Technical Institute, Owings Mills, MD

Oh yeah, I know that place. I think it’s within 25 miles of my house.

Favorite Things: I like all kind of music. when I watch tv it is mosty paranormal. I love horroe moves.

I feel like I’m trapped in a horroe movie right now.

Last Read: I dont read books.

You don’t say.

How is this my match?!

I’ve shown you mine, now you show me yours! (In as uncreepy a way as possible…)

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10 Responses to How is This My Match? Scary 21 Year-Old Edition

  1. Lorin says:

    I love this. I thought online dating would be fun, simple, and a good experience. I’ve learned it’s not always fun, sometimes horrendous, there are people way more insane than I thought I was, and never have high expectations going into a date. You don’t want to be even more disappointed with the extra high hopes!

  2. Rita Mare says:

    Oh my gudnes! Hahaha

    I met my husband on match last April and we were married last December- it was actually a match that worked, except match.com never really matched us. We matched each other by searching through the hundreds of twenties of people we had already dated.

    My matches were… interesting and varied. One guy, before I even go to the date, told everyone at the restaurant bar that he was gonna get laid by me before the end of the night. When he got up to go to the bathroom, his new friends informed me. That’s a weird date, but not even the worst of the random matches. Too bad I closed my profile a million years ago or I’d show you.

    He went out on way less dates than me. Maybe that’s because one of his matches told him she was suicidal on the first date and then proceeded to stalk him and tell him fixing her was his business since he was in graduate school for counseling.

    Yup. Awesome stuff. Awesome.

    Take khare and don’t get into trobley!

  3. Avid Bruxist says:

    My Match: duckface guy in a Spiderman costume, sporting a half-chub. Not kidding. Pic included.

    http://avidbruxist.com/blog/2013/05/09/i-dont-want-to-say-its-not-going-well-but-its-not-going-well/

  4. Patti says:

    I cannot even begin to explain how awful match has been for me. I am a professional woman who does not have time to date in the traditional way; I am educated (PhD) and have an excellent job. Apparently these things make men run the other way. I decided to NOT post photos on the site and instead email those I thought were interesting to me. I would tell them that I could email them photos. I got several requests for photos and immediately after emailing them I’d get an email that said, basically, “nice pics but i don’t feel the chemistry” or my personal favorite “you’re not that good looking”. Really? You cannot imagine what I want to say to these guys. Not to mention those who have profiles on there with graduate degrees or PhD/postdoc degrees that want a woman with a bachelors. I HATE match.com…I am so happy my subscription expires in 2 months…this is the biggest waste of my time. So Martha Stewart is on match.com, so what?!? I think the journalists should profile women like me who are professionals and cannot get the time of day from anyone.
    I did have one date with a lawyer who was ready to bed me in the first 45 minutes of our meeting…at a Starbucks…can we say creepy?
    Good luck to everyone out there looking. I am not looking at match.com anymore…it’s a place for men who like to fish in shallow waters…

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  6. LowEndOnEverything says:

    Trobley… there’s just an accidental genius to it, I don’t care what anyone says.

  7. aside from the other problems you mentioned, she’s not even cute.

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