- I stole this from a dentist’s website.
I have been out on dates, friends, and they have come from the Internet. I’ve been out with doctors and nurses, students and teachers, athletes and academics. I’ve been out with black women, white women, short women, tall women, women who I’m not even sure were women at all. I have met long-term girlfriends on the Internet, and people who became friends I’ll keep for years. I’ve also met women who, if I saw them on the street, I would sprint – not run, mind you, but sprint – in the opposite direction. Why am I telling you this? To explain why I’m starting this site.
A couple years and over one hundred dates ago, I decided to give Internet dating a try. (100 dates? That’s humiliating. Why am I writing this down?) I was looking, quite honestly, for a solid, long-term relationship. I found that once or twice, but I encountered a whole lot of other nonsense along the way. And that is why we are gathered here today. Because if I went out on all those ridiculous dates just to find a girlfriend, well…good Lord was that a waste of time. But if I can pass the stories on to you so that you may learn, or at the very least laugh at them, then it’ll be worth it. OK, it won’t be even close to worth it, but I need something to tell myself before the crying and the fever sweats start.
So here’s a preview of what’s to come…
- I’m so good at sex people often start crying.
The Sex Crier: I think we can all agree that sex can be, at times, an emotional experience. Especially when you’re doing it with someone as gifted in the ways of intimacy as myself. (Spoiler Alert: Not true.) But to start crying within the first 30 seconds of intercourse is, let’s say, a little off-putting. But hey, things happen, we’re complicated beings. So Sex Crier and I (her name should’ve been a tip-off) have a little conversation. To hear how that went, well, you’ll just need to stop by next week…
The Deaf Teacher: You never know what will attract you to a person, and in this case, it was her job. I saw a sweet looking girl online who taught deaf children for a living, and I was immediately taken. What an interesting and difficult career choice – I had to get to know her. So I asked her out, and practiced concealing my sarcasm and general lack of good will. I’m not giving it all away now, but check back later to found out how we got to the confession: “the thing about deaf kids is that they can’t hear you, like, at all.”
Girl With a Mustache: Not much to say on this one. I went out with a girl who had a mustache. Went about as well as you’d expect. There’s probably no need to check back for more on that one.
This Date is On Fire: I heard this one from a date, and it’s so good I had to pass it along. A girl has dinner with a guy and she ends up on fire. Not metaphorically, or sexually or anything like that. Just “get the fire extinguisher and your roasting marshmallows because I am aflame, her on my Internet date.” Yes, that happened.
The Girl Who Lived in a Shack: You know Internet dating is a trying experience when you (me) consider it one of life’s greatest accomplishments that I (also me) was once told: “after she stopped dating you, she moved in with a guy who lived in a shack.”
Is it like you are hanging on the edge of a cliff? I thought it might be. Well you’ll just have to come back and read more next time. I’m only scratching the surface here, and GOOD NEWS LADIES, I’m still single. So who knows when the next disaster might occur. (Sadly, I know. The answer is…probably this weekend.) Why haven’t I given up? Because the crazy, the unpredictable, the highly flammable – they’re all part of the Internet dating experience. You take the good with the bad, and if the last was lousy then maybe the next will be outstanding. Hey, I know I’m no prize. I mean, I have a blog for God sakes. I’m sure I’ve provided a funny story or two for the women I’ve dated. Here’s hoping they don’t have a blog too.
I have gone on terrible Internet dates so you don’t have to, friends. Return later, and learn why It’s almost always Not a Match…
Hey Guy,
I’ve really enjoyed these several posts you’ve written, as I did the online dating thing and gave up after meeting one guy, who was so bland I was scared away. And as a lady, I was pretty much creeped out all the time. Anyways, I enjoy your humor despite the fact that I know nothing about you. I figure it’s fitting for me to leave my blog here so we’re even. Nothing like getting to know people via things they post to the internet.
http://roaringtiger.wordpress.com/
Oh, come on. One date is nowhere near enough. You’ve gotta go out with at least 5 bland guys before running in the other direction.
Interesting site! You might want to submit a story or two to LifeBytes… they are working on compiling a book of Internet Dating disasters. (Check out:
http://singleagainonlinediary.blogspot.com/2010/06/podcast-with-lifebytes-editors-real.html)
While you’re there, I hope you’ll check out my blog (http://singleagainonlinediary.blogspot.com) and book, The Laptop Dancer Diaries!
I’ll be looking forward to reading your stories and I’ll go ahead and add a link from my blog.
Online dating is a world of it’s own!
If I wasn’t so vehemently opposed to internet dating sites, I’d try and find you so that we could go on a date, and eventually, marry.
(I have a cat, I hope that’s alright. )
Hmm, I have a cat and she has a tendency to murder other cats. So if that’s ok, then maybe we got something.
Dude, I think I’m in love with you.
Who are you? Describe yourself in terms of Match: (a) the 45 year old bald man in the cheap suit/tie taking the [clearly] self-portrait in the mirror with his cell phone or (b) the cocky “Don’t wink at me mf” smedium t-shirt wearing 25-year old “banker”?
So I’ve been on Match for about 3 weeks, and am ready to f’ing blow this popsicle stand. You’d think a good-looking, witty profile like mine would solicit a few worthy responses. But it hasn’t, and I just feel dirty and lonelier than when I signed up.
Where do you live? It’s likely the stars are NOT aligned and we are far apart. And do you like farmer’s markets and coffee dates?
lol @ murder cat and entire site. keep up the good work!
Absolutely first rate and copper-bottomed, glenteemn!
http://imyourkatieque.blogspot.com/2011/12/its-match-dot-com.html
i found your match
Ha ha, yeah, I’ve heard tell…
This blog is a godsend. Since it’s the end of the world this year (and as an atheist I fully believe it), I decided to do the unthinkable and try to find a decent human being attached to a reasonably disease-free penis. I’m proud to say I’ve already had one failure and it’s not even February yet!
Apparently I need to clarify on my profile that when I’m not a fan of actual, real life racism, that includes the hipster 1890′s “I think it’s normal and appropriate to use the word ‘negress’ outside of a literary discussion of Huck Finn” variety as well.
Lesson learned!
PS. He lied about his height. By about 5 inches.
PPS. (I was nice enough to just wear flats on the 2nd, pre-racism-reveal date, rather than flip my shit like your other readers.)
Hah. You have plenty of time. Reasonably disease- free penis? Not all of us guys are sluts, you know. Make sure you have a reasonably disease free vagina though. :D
It’s Not A Match guy, your blog is Schadenfreude at its finest. Just the right combination of hilariously awful but awfully entertaining :)
Um…You are hilarious!!! So glad I stumbled onto this site! Very entertaining:)
Your blog is quite humorous. I have a blog of my own on here but its a little darker than yours. I will be following you, though, to see what kind of smile you can bring to my face. No pressure. Dating sucks balls. I feel your pain.