It's Not a Match.com

Breaking up with someone you meet conventionally is pretty easy. I mean, it’s not, it’s gut-wrenchingly awful, but at least you know how to do it. You meet them in person, apologize for having to do this, then brace yourself for the angry crying, or the disappointed crying, or perhaps a potpourri. How do you tell someone you met online that you don’t want to see them anymore is a touch more complicated. Here’s a question from Margaret, a loyal reader new to the world of Internet dating…

I’ve gone on a few dates with guys who are nice enough, easy to talk to, but I don’t want to rip their clothes off.  How and when do I call it quits?  Where is that nebulous line between “giving them a chance” and “leading them on?”  And what is the text that says “hey you’re nice and thanks for all the free booze but I’m just not attracted to you” without saying it in so many words?  When do you have to call instead of text?  Should you ever say “Let’s hang out as friends sometime” or are you both just kidding yourselves?  Help!

Hulk always gets his clothes ripped off.

OK, there’s a lot unpack here, but Margaret, you’ve come to the right place. If anyone has ended, or had ended, more short-term not-really-relationships than me, then I’d like to meet ‘em. Mostly so we can hold each other and cry, but still. The first part of your question is rather easy. I go into this is more detail here, but if you don’t want to rip someone’s clothes off after the second date, you might as well call it quits.. At that point, you know a fair amount about them, your chemistry has had a chance to develop, and you’ve probably been kinda drunk in each other’s presence a few times. If that’s not gonna get clothes ripped off, I don’t know what will. Other than Hulkamania, of course. At that point you’re in no danger of leading them on, though honestly, I don’t really know what leading somebody on is. It’s a phrase guys say when they’re pissed off they got dumped, but can’t just yell “I’m pissed off that you dumped me!”, so they made up the clever little code phrase “you led me on!” Everyone is allowed to decide they don’t want to date someone at any point, regardless of how many times you’ve gone out with them. Each relationship has its own pace. If a woman is going out with a man without actually liking him, or because she simply enjoys free nights on the town, that’s not “leading someone on” it’s just “being a total bitch.”

Now, the second part of Margaret’s question is more complicated. Let’s say you want to buy a one-way ticket to Splittsville for your Internet dating companion – how do you pull it off? There’s no one solution for this problem, in fact, I believe there’s three. It all depends on what stage your relationship is at.

After One Date: You go out once and you just weren’t feeling it. Whether it was with a lovely person who’s plenty of fun or a hideous monster who made you cry, your obligation remains the same. You have to do… absolutely nothing. They call you and ask you out, no need to respond. They send a sweet, inviting text, drop it in the trash. You met them online, you’ve known them for an hour, you owe them nothing. If you’re not interested, you are fully within your rights to say nothing and move on with your life. I will add, however, that I don’t do this. I think if someone asks you out, it’s nice of them to be interested and you should respond in kind. You can send a text, phone calls aren’t necessary, and this is what it should say. Feel free to copy and paste…

Hey, I had a good time meeting you, but I’m afraid I wasn’t feeling a romantic connection. You seemed very cool though, and I’m sure you’ll find something great soon enough. Best of luck!

It’s friendly, it’s complimentary, and it’s totally direct. Never fails. As I said, this sort of politeness isn’t required, and I genuinely don’t hold it against a woman if she never responds, but you can never go wrong treating others the way you’d like to be treated.

How Mother Teresa would break up someone, but with more lies.

After More Than One Date But Pre-Nudity: This is the heart of Margaret’s question, and I believe, the trickiest area to handle. If you’ve made it past the first date, chances are one of you is at least a bit interested, and as you’re the one breaking things off, chances are it isn’t you. Things haven’t gotten serious yet, but you’ve got to let somebody down, which, if you have any soul whatsoever, sucks. What do you say? Does this sound familiar?

Hey, I had a good time meeting hanging out with you, but I’m afraid I wasn’t feeling a romantic connection. You seemed are very cool though, and I’m sure you’ll find some great soon enough. Best of luck!

The difference is, this time you say it into their voicemail. Voicemail is dignity’s medium. It allows you to speak calmly and carefully, and allows them to tell you to go fuck yourself without you hearing it. How are you certain to get their voicemail? Use Slydial. If you don’t know what Slydial is, well I have no idea why you have a telephone. Oh, and you can’t say “Best of luck” in this version of the message because it makes you sound like a dick. Learned that one the hard way.

Now, you may be at a point in your not-really-relationship where this message makes no sense. If you’ve gone out a handful of times or done a good amount of kissy kissy, then the whole “romantic connection” jag ain’t gonna cut it. That’s when you replace the part of the message with “I’ve met someone else and I want to see where it leads” or “I got out of something recently, and this is moving a bit too fast for me.” It’s your call. If these things are lies, and that makes you feel bad, remember that this isn’t about you. This whole post isn’t for you – I don’t give a shit about you – it’s for the person you’re splitting up with. You’re fine, you’re probably already making googly eyes at some chick in the subway. It’s the other person I’m worried about. Saying goodbye to them in as plausible, succinct, and friendly a way as possible is the goal here, and believe me, when I’m split up with, I much prefer hearing “there’s somebody else” to “there’s only you, and you blow.”

OK, alright, I kinda give a shit about you too. But don’t test me!

They come with a price, gentlemen.

After Nudity: Sorry dudes, but if you’ve seen their boobs, then you can’t be a boob. Tough break. And ladies, if he’s taken off his pants, then you can’t be a…scant? Nothing useful really rhymes with pant. Jerk, you can’t be a jerk. If your Internet relationship has progressed to the point where clothes have come off, then you’ve got to call them, speak to them live, and come up with your own script. Sorry, I can’t do everything for you.

There’s only one thing you shouldn’t do: don’t meet them in person. Every time someone breaks up with me in person, I think the same thing: I drove through rush hour traffic for this shit? If I’m gonna be dumped, don’t make me travel to do it. Let me handle this trying moment with the dignity it deserves: in my underwear, on the phone, sitting on my couch. At least give me that.

Oh, and last thing, Margaret. Don’t ever say “you hope you can be friends.” You’ve got friends, he’s got friends, you didn’t come online to make friends. If he wants to be friends, he’ll let you know, and if you break up with him the right away, maybe he just will.

Writing emails is hard.

I’ve been getting this message a lot lately, in response to a first email. I think it’s becoming a trend.

“Thanks for your note! You seem really cool. Wanna grab a drink? I’m more for meeting in person than trading lots of emails back and forth. When are you free?”

And you know what I do then? I hit delete.

Perhaps it’s thought of as progressive, as the sign of a modern dater, one who wants to eschew email chatter and head right for the first date. “Screw this small talk bullshit, let’s get right to face to face!” It’s the sort of line you’d give a brassy Kathy Bates in a movie about Internet dating, if anyone would ever cast Kathy Bates in a movie about Internet dating. It’s what people say when they’re trying to sound “no nonsense.” Unfortunately, to me all it sounds like is a waste of time.

There’s a lot to be learned on email. Can my future date write a complete sentence? Does she have anything interesting/funny/smart to say? Does she use the word “yowzers,” thereby nullifying her interesting/funny/smart-ness? And, perhaps most importantly, is she into the exchange, or do they just seem to be going through the motions? Yes, you could find all this out on a first date, but I for one would rather discover that I’m talking to a zero when I’m alone on my couch, rather than out a bar, staring said zero right in the face.

Me, basically.

Also, isn’t wanting to meet someone without communicating at all first just a little bit sketchy? Shouldn’t you be worried that I’m a zero also? Because at best, I’m like a 1, 1.5 on a good day. The whole thing just seems suspicious. And why aren’t these women more afraid for their safety? Is it that I don’t seem threatening? Because I have recently begun Kenpo Karate gym classes, and my instructor only rarely laughs at me anymore. I don’t know, I feel like meeting without emailing is a lot less like Internet dating and a lot more like kidnapping. “Hey you – random person – get in my car! We’re getting cocktails and being flirty for the next hour. Oh, and you’re paying!”

So what then should be our emailing game plan? Write and write and write, until you’re absolutely certain this person is the one for you? Nope, that’s also wrong. You know how you can miss your window with someone by going on too many dates without sealing the deal? Then, before you know it, you’re in The Friendship Zone? Well, the same thing happens with email, only it’s called The Annoying and Entirely Pointless Zone. There are people, usually men from what I’ve heard, who carry on email conversations seemingly without end. They’ll write back and forth  for weeks, sometimes months, without ever asking you out. It’s not even like they’re thinking about it, they just blabber on about their job or favorite movies, like your grandmother or something. It’s demented, and I won’t stand for it. The maximum emails one person can send in an online dating exchange is five. FIVE, folks. Any more than that and you might as well sign up for summer camp, because you’ve got a pen pal, my friend. And honestly, five is pushing it.

The ideal email exchange before asking for a date is three messages. You write her three times, she writes you back three times. On the fourth email, you ask her out for a drink. That is the exact amount of communication required to know your partner is delightful, not a psycho, and there’s a bit of juice between you. If the man or lady trails off before three emails, then they weren’t really interested. If they take longer than three emails to ask for a date then, well, they weren’t really interested. Remember, the goal here is not have to an amazing online correspondence, it’s to have an amazing first date. So leaving the other person wanting more, a little curious about you and your story is what it’s all about. Whet their appetite, reel them in, then ask to meet in person. Because, remember if they get bored, there’s plenty of suitors in their email box, waiting to take your place.

And some of them might know Kenpo too.