I have been out on dates, friends, and they have come from the Internet. I’ve been on dates with doctors and nurses, students and teachers, athletes and academics. I’ve been out with black women, white women, short women, tall women, women who I’m not even sure were women at all. I have met long-term girlfriends on the Internet, and people who became friends I’ll keep for years. I’ve also met women who, if I saw them on the street, I would sprint – not run, mind you, but sprint – in the opposite direction. Why am I telling you this? To explain why I created this site.
A couple years and over a hundred dates ago, I decided to give Internet dating a try. (Yeah, that’s right, I’ve been on one hundred Internet dates. It’s kind of humiliating when I write it out like that. Is it too late to pretend this never happened?) I was hoping to find, quite honestly, a solid, long-term relationship. And I did, once or twice, but I encountered a whole lot of other nonsense along the way. And that is why we are gathered here today. Because if I went out on all those ridiculous dates just to find a girlfriend, well…good Lord was that a waste of time. But if I can pass the stories on to you so that you may learn, or at the very least laugh at my mistakes, then it’ll be worth it. OK, it won’t be even close to worth it, but I need something to tell myself before the crying and the fever sweats start.
So here’s a preview of the stories to come. My ghosts of dating past…
The Sex Crier: I think we can all agree that sex can be, at times, an emotional experience. Especially when you’re doing it with someone as gifted in the ways of intimacy as myself. (Spoiler Alert: Not true.) But to start crying within the first 30 seconds of intercourse is, let’s say, a little off-putting. But hey, things happen, we’re complicated beings. So Sex Crier and I (her name should’ve been a tip-off) have a little conversation. While still having sex because, you see, she refuses to stop. To hear more about that hilarious good time, well, you’ll just need to stop by next week…
The Deaf Teacher: My very first Internet date, and perhaps my best. I read she taught deaf children for a living, and I swooned. So I asked her out and practiced concealing my sarcasm and general lack of good will. Then, twenty minutes into the date she confessed that “the thing about deaf kids is that they can’t hear you, like, at all.” Yep. Dreams do come true.
Girl With a Mustache: Not much to say on this one. I went out with a girl who had a mustache. Real thick one too. Went about as well as you’d expect. That’s probably not gonna make much of a posting, come to think of it.
This Date is On Fire: I heard this one from a date, and it’s so good I had to pass it along. A girl has dinner with a guy and she ends up on fire. Not metaphorically, or sexually or anything like that. Just “get the fire extinguisher and your roasting marshmallows because I am aflame, her on my Internet date.” Yes, that happened.
The Girl Who Lived in a Shack: You know Internet dating is a trying experience when you (me) consider it one of life’s greatest accomplishments that I (also me) was once told: “after your girlfriend broke up with you, she moved in with a guy who lived in a shack.”
Is it like you are hanging on the edge of a cliff? I thought it might be. Well you’ll just have to come back and read more next time. I’m only scratching the surface here, and GOOD NEWS LADIES, I’m still single. So who knows when the next disaster might occur? (Sadly, I know. The answer is…probably this weekend.) Why haven’t I given up? Because the crazy, the unpredictable, the highly flammable – they’re all part of the Internet dating experience. You take the good with the bad, and if the last was lousy then maybe the next will be outstanding. And I think meeting that one outstanding will make all the rest worth it. I just hope all the other ones don’t read this blog.
I have gone on terrible Internet dates, friends, so you don’t have to. Return later, and learn why It’s almost always Not a Match…
Just wanted to say you’re a God-Damned Saint to take this one for the team. Be safe out there, and if you’re not back in 5 years, we’ll call the cops.
In related news, my mother told us over Thanksgiving weekend that she’s considering joining an internet dating service. So you might want to look out for that. And I wish I was just saying that to be funny.
But which one? There are so many. Maybe…Singles 420? The dating website by, for, and about pot smokers?
Parents love Internet dating. I know, because I’ve been out with a few. Actually, that’s not true. I’ve been out with tons. I’m gonna have to do a post about parental Internet dating soon…