NSFW

The following is the first reader submission we’re running on Not a Match. Hmmm, “reader submission” sounds kinda stuffy. Like the sort of thing you’d hear during an NPR pledge drive. Crowd Sourcing is popular nowadays. How about this? Crowd Sourced Insanity. This story, from reader Lori Sebulski, is the first edition of INaM’s Campaign of Crowd Sourced Insanity. And with a title like ‘The Man Who Licked His Pickle,’ believe me, the description is well earned.

Now here’s Lori…

I had a great first date with Chad. He actually read my online dating profile (yeah, people really READ those), noticed that I liked hockey and invited me to a minor league game downtown. We met at the entrance to the arena and the night was perfect. We had a lot to talk about and the silences weren’t awkward. We shared a soft drink, had some popcorn and waited for a fight since that is clearly the best part of hockey. At the end of the date, he walked me to my car, gave me a hug goodbye and asked when he could see me again. We set up a second date right then and there for the following Friday night. I was feeling really good about Chad.

Fred Fuddrucker

The following Friday, we decided that I would meet him at a restaurant named Houlihan’s for dinner. (OK, B stepping in here, because I have no self control. First rule of dinner dates: If the name of the restaurant sounds like the last name of an alcoholic, don’t go there on a date. If you met a dude named Billy Houlihan, you’d assume he was a boozehound. Same with Fred Fuddrucker, Oliver Applebee and Tommy Bennigan. Also, Greg Burger King. Especially Greg Burger King. So don’t go to their restaurants.) We ordered our dinners and talked while we waited for our food to arrive. The conversation wasn’t as easy as it had been on our first date but I chalked it up to higher than usual expectations and nerves. I had ordered a chicken sandwich and french fries and he ordered a hamburger and french fries. Within a few minutes, our dinners arrived and that is when the date took a turn for the worst. (Love the cliffhanger. Couldn’t have written it better myself…)

We began to eat our dinners and Chad picked up his hamburger and licked it around the edges of the entire bun. I thought it was a little odd but maybe he just didn’t like when the ketchup was running off? (Yeah, ketchup running off. That was the problem.) But then he picked up a french fry and proceeded to stick his tongue all the way out and lick it from top to bottom. And moan. Yeah, moan. Like a low purr. His eyes were closed, he was licking his food, and he was moaning. Chad never actually looked directly at me unless he was between bites (licks), but would try to carry on a conversation with me like it was a super normal date. With someone who was having mouth sex with his food. At this point, I started to look around at the surrounding tables to see if anyone else was noticing the nightmare that was happening. They didn’t. He continued to do this with every bite of his sandwich and every single fry he ate.

Registered sex offender.

To be honest, I was starting to feel a little nauseous. And then it got worse. (Not possible.) He picked up the pickle spear that was on his plate, stuck his tongue out and proceeded to lick the pickle from top to bottom. With more moaning.  He then moved it in and out of his mouth like he was giving it a blow job. (I was wrong. That’s totally worse.) Again, I looked around the restaurant and nobody else seemed to be witnessing the spectacle that was my date.

At this moment, I began to analyze. Was this an attempt to show me what he could do to me with his tongue? Why was he moaning? Did he think that it was turning me on? If he was exhibiting this type of behavior on a second date, what was ahead? Does he eat like this on all of his dates or just with friends and family? Whatever his reason was, it was definitely NOT hot.

He asked me if I wanted to get a drink after dinner and I feigned sickness for the first and only time ever on a date. As soon as I arrived at my car, I called my sister and told her what had happened. We laughed so hard we cried and from that moment on, he has been known as the Pickle Licker. This date occurred 10 years ago, the story has been told a hundred times and yet, it is still hilarious every single time I tell it.

The Pickle Licker is a legend.

And let his legend live on. Thanks, Lori, you’ve gotten us off to a great start. I have several other amazing Crowd Sourced Disasters from you guys in the works, but can definitely use more. Been out with a Pickle Licker (or Anything Licker) of your own? Have a perspective on internet dating that I haven’t covered or a topic I can’t touch? Email me at ItsNotaMatch@gmail.com. For more from Lori, follow her on Twitter:  @lasebulski.