There are men who post shirtless pictures on their Internet dating profiles. They are assholes. These are their stories…
Primary picture, obviously...
I just started Internet dating man, feeling pretty good about it. Pretttty, prettty good. I’m gonna be knee-deep in bitches so fast. Just hooking up, and getting down, and doing it NON-STOP. Fuck the girls at the bars. They’re so stuck up. Oh, now you’re not into it just cause I hooked up with your sister, Sharon? Screw you. I’m going on the Internet! Find me some smart chicks. Or at least who are cool about bjs in cars and shit…
…OK. Setting up the profile! Obviously I’m gonna post pictures of me in my Ed Hardy shirts. That’s a given. But how do I get the word out about my washboard abs and sweetass shaved pecs? I could try to drop the hint in my description…”love working out and removing the hair from my body”…but that might be too subtle. I’m always too fucking subtle! I got it! I’m gonna post shirtless pics! Chicks will go crazy for that shit. If there’s one thing I know about girls, it’s that they love checking out half-naked men they’ve never met and are evaluating as possible relationship material. Suck it, Sharon! The only problem is, which picture should I use…
….This profile shit is hard. Desired age range? Why won’t let me to do 18-18.5? Fucking computers. How about 18-25, but no fatties?…
My hero. When you gonna make more music, Marky?!
…Aight, went through both the Shirtless (Candid) and Shirtless (Posed) folders on my computer and none of those shits will work. Reminder to self: create third folder – Shirtless (While Issuing a Thumbs Up). Gotta stay organizized! My abs are so much more bitching than they were six months ago, I’m gonna need to do a special shoot for my profile. Don’t want to sell these beauties short. Who’s gonna take these pictures? When the fuck does Mom get home?!…
…Favorite activities? Come on, dude. “Going to the beach, working on my ride, hitting yoga class (abs and fine ladies LOL!), putting stuff in girls’ drinks, watching Jersey Shore, working on audition tape for Jersey Shore.” Computer should know that about me already…
…Mom refused to take my shirtless picture. You want me to meet a “nice girl and settle down”, but you won’t take a picture of me with my shirt off while I’m giving a thumbs up or maybe even a Shocker? How is that not sending mixed messages?! Now what the fuck am I going to do????…
…It’s harder to take a casual shirtless picture of myself in the bathroom mirror than I thought. Obviously, I’ve done it tons of times before – but not with this much riding on it! I’ve got to meet a girl, and it’s not gonna be fucking skanky Sharon. I need to set up some situations I can use for inspiration. Like, “oh man I just spilled a bunch of Red Bull on my favorite Ed Hardy shirt so now I got to dry off in the bathroom and then BAM someone runs in and takes a picture! Where did you come from photographer? I need my privacy, even if I do have rockin abs and an impressively small amount of body hair!” Or maybe “I’m taking a picture of myself in the mirror for my new passport photo, and then what the fuck, my shirt just disintegrated!” That’ll work. I gotta get METHOD on this shit! Marlon Brando!!…
…I think my shit is broken. Picture’s been up two hours and I have no emails. The only thing I can think of is to add more shirtless pics. WAIT! Bottomless pics! MOM!!!!…
It's Not a Match.com 
Do one about girls with kissey face photos please. This was brilliant!
I haven’t seen a lot of the kissy face photo, Denise. Is that prevalent. What do you think that means? Are they trying to be flirty or funny or…something else?
The kissy face photo can also be described as the Zoolander. The match is rife with them. On a side note, my work has decided to block your website – citing Pornography as the reason. I sure hope they don’t catalog those blocked page messages.
yada ’bout the kissing the dog photo…oh, that’s right, been there done that.
As a side note, what’s up with women and dogs. Everyone over 30 has one. And, while they love their pooches, the are still pissed about the way men behave in general…which is pretty much like any dog: eat, hump, lick things, chew on favorite shoes, run with other dogs.
The dog, however, doesn’t cheat.
And doesn’t promise to do things around the house and flake out to the point where the pipes are bursting and the apartment is getting citations for sanitation violations.
And doesn’t try to use you for sex.
And doesn’t leave you after using up your best years for an anorexic blonde bimbo.
And doesn’t argue when it’s clearly not only in the wrong, but pretending to be logical when it’s not only completely illogical, but also overemotional and overreacting (o irony).
So, you know, there’s that.
That’s a pretty nice pic
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