You know it works because she’s making a heart with her hands.
Have you ever felt like internet dating contains too much information. Like, you finish reading someone’s profile and think, “You know, I feel like I almost know them too well. Is there any way we can put some mystery back into this nameless, vague, based-largely-on-platitude-based-profiles relationship?” Well good news, because Tinder, the new iPhone dating app that is exploding on college campuses everywhere, is here to take all the pesky “getting to know you out” of actually, you know, getting to know someone.
The app is pretty simple. Basically, it’s Grindr for straight people. You download the program to your phone and it immediately links up with Facebook. It then uses your profile photo to show you other Tinder users in the area, and, in turn, shows you to them. And that’s it! No information, bios, or explanations of what you’re looking for out of love, life, or…anything really. You see a picture, usually of someone who’s 17 years-old, hit the “like” or “dislike” button, and as far as I can tell, within 20 minutes you’re having sex. And then getting arrested.
Seriously though, it’s that simple. Every profile category you’ve come to know and not particularly love on Match and OkCupid is disposed of. No more “What am I Looking For” or “Six Things I Can’t I Live Without” or “On a Typical Friday Night I Am”. It’s too bad too, because I’d really perfected my answer to the last one. I uploaded a collage of my cat, a DVR sitting at 100% capacity, and a bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs. It’s breathtaking. Tinder only gives you more information about your beloved if you like her picture and she likes yours back. Then you get access to each other’s Facebook pages and can start conversing, presuming Chris Hansen and Dateline hasn’t yet burst into your living room. But until you get confirmation of mutual interest, you’re left to images like this to decide if you’re smitten….
Basically it’s like trying to go on a date with Instagram. Except, possibly, more irritating. Every picture has the sheen of being fed through seven different image filters, usually involves a “wacky expression,” and almost always features more than one person. I mean, who exactly are we supposed to be attracted to here?
There are 800 girls in that picture, and they all look exactly the same. I’ll take…you! The one with dyed blond hair. No, not you! The one in sunglasses! Oh, forget it.
Sure, why not throw in a few dudes just to make it more confusing. Honestly, you might as well just take a picture of an entire country. I would be no less likely to figure out who I’m supposed to be looking at. And then of course, my all-time favorite…
Whose back do you find the hottest? I guess just click the heart and hope it’s her! But don’t worry, she’s in a sorority, so she’s probably pretty cool no matter what.
I have only tried out Tinder for a couple of days, as I was just informed of its existence by the It’s Not a Match Street Team. (There is no It’s Not a Match Street Team.) So far, these are my conclusions: everyone on it is under 22, and people who are under 22 all seem to have ridiculous names. Here’s a few I encountered:
Janesssa, Jaimiey, Kcristina, Brena, Jas, Natascha, Mychelle, Rahael, My-Ishia, Kayte, Jillian, Gillian, Jillyanne, Jilleane, Jileen, Samaire, Elisse, Orly, Lisle, Vilte, Alixe, Austyn, Jadel, Chantelle, Storm, and Mary. Oh sorry, I meant Marii. Also…
That’s right, a girl whose name is incredibly close to Nazi.
In an interview about the site, the founders said Tinder was necessary because traditional dating sites are built on long-winded profiles, most of which are fake. Really? And you’re telling me there’s actually someone out there named Marii? Yeah right. They also said other sites involve too much rejection, as the men send lots of emails that are never answered, and the women are immediately freaked out by the creepiness of said emails. So ultimately, no one wins. And I get that. I mean, if it weren’t true, this website wouldn’t exist. But is Tinder any less creepy? Men of any age tossing their presence at you based strictly on one picture of your face? No personality, no communication, no ability to evaluate their sanity before giving them access to your real name and Facebook page? Sure, it takes less time, but does anyone really want to date that way? I don’t know, as far as I’m concerned, OkCupid has never sounded so good.
There was one thing on Tinder that made me feel right at home, however. A single image that reminded me of the good ol’ days…
Aaaah, yes. The faceless profile. It’s nice to see you, old friend. Now that’s the internet dating experience I know and love!
It's Not a Match.com 
Imagine a faceless man verbally presenting this (and every) blog entry standing before an audience or recorded for later viewing, in similar fashion as W. Kamau Bell doing “Totally Biased”. Commentary, image, comment about image, laughter from crowd (laugh track is acceptable but live studio audience is preferred), and continue. You now have the image I have in my head everytime I read It’s Not A Match.com
Is this a compliment? I don’t know. But i’ll take it!
That it is, sir. That it is.
There is no way, I repeat, no way I would ever do this. FFS. people as cautioned about Facebook and what future employers might see-and you want a potential date to see that photo of your rear on the copier?
Besides, I use my cat for a profile and it’s in his name.
To be fair to Grindr… I think you at least have to include a short paragraph about yourself. So romantic. That must be why they’ve started publishing their LTR success stories on their webpage: grindr.com/stories/
Aw, be nice to Nazy. It’s a Persian name, and she probably didn’t pick it out herself.
Omg this post was hilarious. It makes me want to get on tinder just for the ridiculousness of it. And I thought I was the only one wanting to watch a whole season of Hoarders with a bag of chips on a Friday night. Huzzah!
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My god. Imagine the horror of it. Having to find a date by only how she looks and MAYBE the particular situation she is in and the people she is with. If thats all we had available to select a life partner with,I dont think ANYONE would ever reproduce at all. If we had been limited to that for the last 150,000 years of human existence,the whole human race probably would have gone extinct 149,999years ago.
Can you imagine actually using this thing. Its the online equivalent of walking into a bar somewhere,walking up to a random stranger,chatting her up,making a snap decision about whether you enjoy talking to her and then asking her out. Yea,its that crazy. Imagine actually asking someone out without doing an exhaustive Google search on a screen name,an email address and random bits of information like whether or not she likes cats and what city she lives in,followed by piecing together the information you got from following all the clues that lead to their conclusion. Seems not only weird,but perhaps even dangerous. Im mean,what if the date goes well,and you go back to her place,only to be completely blindsided by the fact that she lives with a room mate named Cindy,that works at a bank,and isn’t home that Tuesday night because shes taking a yoga class. It might have been a good idea to know about Cindy,and her yoga class,and how she would be gone leaving the place to you and your date,BEFORE you got there. And maybe yoiu might just want to know she likes to wear pink underwear on first dates,because it makes her feel girly and sexy,BEFORE you both start taking clothes off,preferably BEFORE you leave the damn restaurant. But with this thing,you’ve got nothing to Google on at all. Youll be totally blindsided by those pink panties. What if you don’t particularly like pink
Seriously though,this is what we used to call dating BEFORE we had the internet. And ,lets stop kidding ourselves. I dont know if women do this,but really,the very first thing a guy looks at in a profile is the picture. Is she cute. Is he attracted physically to her. He looks at that picture,and honestly,the long and the short of the question is “would I do her”. If the answer is yes,then he reads the profile. If the answer to “would I do her is” sure,I guess so. Shes kinda halfway cute” and the profile is particularly interesting and she seems to have a lot of qualities he likes,he sends her an email. Of if shes pretty,but in an average sort of way,and there are no red flags in her profile that indicate she is a total nut job and/or that hes just not going to be able to get along,then she gets an email. If shes just flat out gorgeous,with the looks of a sports illustrated swimsuit model/victories secret catalog model,shes getting an email (and what man who went through puberty before the rise of easy porn access on the internet does NOT have fond memories of that Victorias Secret catalog a bottle of lotion and a box of tissues back when he was 13) It does not matter if her profile talks about life on “the compound” torturing small animals for fun and sexual release, and her duty to breed a new generation of “Aryian warriors” to fight in the coming battle for “4th Reich”. Its not that hes just thinking he might be able to swing it so he can get laid. At that point,hes just not thinking at all. Those brain functions power down to save blood,he does a quick Google search,finds those “tasteful nude” modeling pics she put up on a website 6 years ago,hammers off that email ,grabs the box of tissues and its just like he was 13 again.
Um, This isn’t a full or remotely accurate description of Tinder. First of all, Tinder is an ap. You never go online to it. Through the Tinder ap, you have access to your Facebook pictures, and you choose to include/share up to 5. You don’t have to use/keep the profile pic automatically generated from Facebook. If you “like” and you are “liked,” Tinder does NOT automatically connect you to each other’s Facebook page. Tinder provides an in-ap texting ability, and once you are matched, that texting option becomes available. The Tinder ap DOES automatically provide first name and age from your Facebook page with your picture. If there is any false information provided on the Tinder ap, it’s because some moron created a fake Facebook page with weird name, phony age, etc. (yeah, that punk on a raft is really 109?). The Tinder ap DOES have a small dialog box in “profile” section, and a lot of people DO write something in there. Click on the picture, and you see the dialog box. You can also choose distance and age range in your own settings, and see how far away someone is at that exact time (yes, if someone lives in another city but is in town now with their Tinder ap on, you’ll see them. Some helpful users write that they live somewhere, but travel often). When the ap is on and finding users nearby, the coolest thing about it is that it will show you if you have mutual friends on Facebook, and who they are. It is at this point that a Tinder ap user can jump over to Facebook to look up this person on a mutual friends’ page. Now you have the last name and can see if the person has other stuff to view on their page, or Google them. Note to mutual MARRIED friends: BUSTED!!! Tinder also shows you any mutual group/page interests. From these you can figure out some basic information. Yeah, a real person, their music, restaurant, public figure and political preferences (only if you have liked these on your own Facebook page). It is fun to sit with friends who have been on other dating sites and can tell you immediately who the creeps are, who is only 5 ft tall, who is using ancient/inaccurate pictures, etc. There IS a very serious, real potential for stalking and or criminal behavior as a result of how this ap works, and there was a lot of discussion about ap security, hacking ability and personal safety at SXSW this spring. A stalker has your picture, your name and your general proximity. If he/she created a bogus Facebook account with attractive pictures to use the Tinder ap, and lured you to communicate and meet, now your location is exact and you can be observed arriving or departing and followed from the location.
Haha You mentioned pics with 800 people in them, but this happens on “full” dating sites too. I can’t count the number of times I’ve asked myself (only because it seems impolite to ask HER) which one she is in the pics.
Then there’s the whole thing with pics that in some form or another contain a member of the opposite sex, and in some cases, lose the “s” and it’s just an ex. I mean come on, seriously. I’ve seen them cropped, blurred, defamed, you name it.
Possibly the best tho are pics of dogs, cats, gerbils (ok I’m speculating there), some random quote obviously pulled from Google images, and my favorite of all, selfies that “censor” the entire face. Not entirely sure what that’s about, it’s like tits without a head. Which is fine, if you’re looking for tits without heads. On a dating site, the whole point of the profile pic is to see what everything looks like. I shouldn’t have to run you through a collage generator to determine this.
Oh, and duck face, but that’s a story for another time…
Some of those names were insanely popular in previous centuries. I would know. My name is clementine. Clem, for short.