Loyal readers (which better fucking describe all of you pricks) will remember a scorching expose we did last spring about the bizarre trend of women posting profiles pics of themselves wearing mustaches. OK, you probably don’t remember it. I mean, come on, it’s a dating blog for god sakes. But still, here it is, if you’d like to go back and have your mind blown all over again. Basically, I discovered that countless ladies found it humorous and appealing to throw on some fake facial hair, smile, and post it on Match.com.
What can I say? I’m like Woodward and Bernstein, but more important. The photos stuck in my craw because clearly they’re an attempt at whimsy and wackiness, but when everyone else is doing the same thing, it gets a lot less wacky pretty damn fast. (And also because I have a particularly sticky craw. I’m having it looked at next week.) But what I’ve discovered today puts the mustaches to shame. This time, it’s all dudes…and their monkeys.
Alright, what the hell is going on? That’s seven different men with seven different monkeys! And I didn’t find a single one myself. All of these pictures came from my legion of It’s Not a Match operatives (i.e. friends with too much free time), who would periodically email me and ask, “So, what’s the deal with guys and pictures of their monkey?” Obviously I assumed this was a euphemism, and apologized for whatever photos I might have sent late the previous evening, but then the evidence started streaming in. Men, for some reason, have decided that the way to a hook a woman is to post a picture of themselves fondling a primate. Weird.
Look, women in mustaches makes a certain degree of sense. Mustaches are objectively funny (sorry, Dad), and so women ‘staching it up is a fun little twist, I guess. No, it’s not the most original thing in the world, but I’ll take it over the omnipresent duck face any day. But guys with monkeys? Why? And how? Where are they finding all the monkeys? Is there a place I can go and give someone five bucks to put a monkey on my shoulder? Because I totally will. Hell, I’d even take a cat dressed up like a monkey. In fact, I’d probably prefer it. I tried to put my cat on my shoulder once and she gave me the finger. Right there, with her sweet little paw. Physically impressive, sure, but still insulting.
At first I just thought this was random coincidence, but I don’t know, seven guys with monkeys sounds like a legitimate trend to me. After careful consideration, I have come up with a list. Here now are all the possible reasons a guy would think it’s a good idea to post a monkey picture in his dating profile.
1) To prove they are not afraid of monkeys tearing their face off. Which they totally should be, because monkeys tear people’s faces off.
2) Tired of just simply repeating the classic profile aphorism, “I love to travel,” they’ve decided to take things up a notch by showing physical evidence of them in other countries. I mean, there’s something about close proximity to monkeys that just screams “exotic foreign locale,” right? Except the guy in the museum. That’s just some weirdo who’s into taxidermy.
3) They think it would be too obvious to post a picture of them cuddling with puppies.
4) If no women fall for him, he still has a decent shot at meeting a really technologically advanced monkey.
5) In a side by side comparison, it’s hard to not look more attractive than a monkey.
6) It’s better than a picture with their ex. Unless, wait…could the monkey be their ex?!
So what do you think? Have you seen monkey pictures on your internet dating travels? Do they sweep you off your feet? And, most importantly, have you seen an even weirder photo trend? Like.. say, men with koalas?
That would just be outstanding…
It's Not a Match.com 
Maybe leave the Koalas be…
http://metro.co.uk/2012/04/21/one-direction-in-chlamydia-scare-after-handling-koalas-down-under-397499/
i find that men in canada (pof) either post pictures of themselves with fish or with their dogs…
but when i say dogs- i mean massive dogs that they are carrying around their necks or holding in their arms. i’ve seen this about 4 times. men who carry really large dogs. i’ve been wondering if they are trying to show their strength and sensitivity all at once?
oh, like not every women on match has a picture with their “baby”…
haha i’ve never understood the pictures with men and babies either- i always think its their child, and then automatically move on.
At least koalas won’t rip your face off and have the strength 10x of a normal man!
I find the koala a much cuter impression :)
Number 3 seems like the most likely reason.
Women are getting wise to the whole tactic of guys that pose with someone else’s toddler or dog/cat to convince women that they are good with kids/pets.
Pictures with a monkey achieve the same thing, and women haven’t gotten wise to it yet…or have they?
For all of these reasons, photos don’t impress me. Use your words and actions :)
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Normally I delete Spam comments, but Stephanie is too great to resist.
As a developer, it deeply offends me that STEPHANIE’s programmer couldn’t take the extra step of fixing the case for her NAME and STATE.
Also, as always, this blog documents disturbing trends in online dating photos ahead of the curve, again. I was going to post a picture of me with Kennewick Man but that’s probably not quite primate enough.
Ok I read this post this evening and thought well I’ve never seen a monkey photo so what’s the big deal. Then 4 hours later I’m looking at match profiles and sure enough there is a guy with a photo of himself with a monkey on his shoulder as his main pic!!! Seriously what is happening men of match?
See! They’re everywhere. I wonder if monkeys use pictures of them with humans on monkey dating sites?
No, they have more class.
I’d like to share some findings regarding online dating that I accidentally came across.
My first observation regards eharmony. I decided to update my profile and managed to use the word “Jesus” in it. It wasn’t in any religious sense, but rather part of the title of a book that I recently read. Since you’re all just dying to know what happened, I’m going to go ahead and tell you. For the next several days I received matches that were, I think the best way to put it is, adamantly Christian. These were matches that mentioned either Jesus or God, rather prominently, as something they are passionate about, something they are most thankful for, the most influential person in your life, and in case you hadn’t already noticed, something you wish more people would notice about you.
This leads me to believe that under at least some circumstances, despite their 8 hour questionairre designed to find your perfect match, eharmony uses words in your profile to find your matches. Now that I know this, I am going to update my profile to accurately state that I am most passionate about “living life to the fullest” so that I receive matches that share this passion with me.
My second observation regards match. Why am I on both sites? Well, there’s no law against buying both Mounds and Almond Joy, so back off. So this book was so good that I decided to update my match profile as well. So what happened, you ask? Well, people started actually looking at my profile. Let me stop here for a second and note that I am a guy. The vast majority of my profile views come from girls that I e-mail who just want to double check and make sure I’m not rich before not responding to my e-mails. However, with this minor profile update, I went from something like 3 unsolicited profile views a month to something like 50 (yes 50) unique profile views in the past few days.
And I had a girl e-mail me!
Sorry, that deserved its own paragraph. That’s right, a girl e-mailed me (a guy) without me having to do anything. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still be out there poring over profiles to find that little bit of information to run with. You might know what I mean. “I like that picture of you pretending to hold the Eiffel Tower in your hand. I like French fries. Let’s chat.” But I will take this small victory.
I don’t know exactly why it is, but updating my profile has gotten it a lot more views. Based on this finding, I plan on updating my profile in some manner every few days. I figure going from “I enjoy living life to the fullest” to “I really enjoy living life to the fullest” to “I really really enjoy living life to the fullest” should buy me at least a week and a half of updates.
I hope these findings help someone.
Cheers!
The monkey pics are weird but what’s most weird about the pics is the guy with the koala has, what appears to be three arms, so you not only get pics with animals, but the aliens are joining in on the dating sites HAHA!
Oh my God. You’re right. How did I not see that. What’s weirder, the guy have three arms, or the monkey having a second arm that looks exactly like a human arm?
I think both observations are equally strange. So do we call photoshop on the ever-so-loving men with monkey/koala pics or do we ignore all the weird extra arms and say “awwww, look how sensitive THAT guy is?!” Strange but funny nonetheless