When I introduced How is This My Match? some months ago, it was in an effort to keep things brief. The internet is designed to be short and sweet, and my posts tend to be more long and sour. Because when you’re discussing things as important as a girl who can’t stop wearing holiday sweaters, you need a lot of words to capture the complexity of the situation. I wanted to keep writing long, but also have shorter pieces that would allow you guys to zip in and out quickly and help me post more often. So HiTMM? was born, and so far you guys really seem to dig it.

Initially I asked you guys not to send me your terrible matches. Because what happened was, I’d giggle at your hilarious descriptions, then I’d check our their profile myself, then they’d see me checking them out, and not realize I was doing it more for laughs than for sexies. So they’d message me, I wouldn’t quite what to do, and everything would get real uncomfortable real fast. Leading, at one point, to me getting an email which read…

(clearing throat, putting on reading glasses…)

“You look familiar. Did I sleep with you?”

And what exactly am I supposed to do with that? So, I asked you to stop forwarding me the bizarrely unsuitable people that Match and OkCupid have bizarrely deemed suitable. But now I say… screw it. Things have gotten quite busy here at the It’s Not a Match home office (i.e. my couch and/or toilet), and with talks of a second book on the horizon, I will take inspiration where I can get it. So please, send me your tired, your poor, your hungry, so that I may mock them and the internet dating service from whence they have come. Seriously. Itsnotamatch@gmail.com. Let’s make it happen!

Wanna know what kind of thing I’m looking for? Well how about this… I mean, How is This My Match?

21 year old woman
Maryland, United States

seeking men 20-25
within 25 miles of Maryland, United States

Alright, look. There are plenty of problems with this, which I’ll get to, but let’s start with the basics. I AM 35 YEARS OLD. I know you know this, Match, because when I click on the profile of myself on your site, it tells me I’m 35. And there’s a picture of me right there to prove it. In fact, if one day I got into a terrible accident and hit my head and needed, more than anything else, to figure out how damn old I was, I would look it up on Match.com, because I know that’s a place where saying exactly how old you are is important. This young lady is seeking a man between 20 and 25. 35 is not a number that’s between 20 and 25. It’s just not. Not even close. And my desired age range starts at, I think, 31, which means the youngest person I would even think about dating is six years older than her most ancient, grandfatherly possibility. That is not good. Honestly, I don’t even really know what algorithms are, but I would think they’d be able to parse a complicated mathematical minefield such as this.

Oh, also, Los Angeles, where I live, is not within 25 miles of Maryland. It’s closer to within 2500 miles. Do you not have a map, Match? You should get a map. Or just use Google Maps. That’s easy too. Or MapQuest, I think that’s still around. That one’s fun because it makes it sound like a dangerous journey….MapQuest!

All of this is to say, Match, that before I’ve even gotten to the specifics of this young lady’s profile, the idea of me dating her is completely preposterous. You might as well have recommended a 75 year-old man. (Smash cut to: Me on a date with Larry King. Confused, but not altogether unhappy. Smash back.)

Now, let’s get down to the nitty gritty…

Her Headline: Like I sayed I am crayz I say what I want to I dont care what ppl think of or say.

Uh oh.

Profile: I’m out going girl I love to go out and have fun as long as I dont get in trobley. When u get to now me I am crazy amd radom. I dont care what ppl say about me or think about me. I can be funny sometimes. 

I would like him to be funney like me for who I am not lie to me us me treast me the same no matter who we are around. Trust me.

Well, I think well all like to have fun as long we don’t get in trobley. Sometimes I feel like I’m the kinda guy that trobley just follows, you know? Oh, pardon me. U now?

The authentically prepared dutch dish, Radom.

Hey, you guys read this site. I make typos. Sometimes I make lots of them, and truth be told, I’m not all that concerned with rooting them out. There’s probably typos in this very post. It’s a blog, I’m not getting paid to write it, you’re not paying to read it, so I feel we can all survive a botched sentence and here and there. But come on, this shit is insane. You’re telling me the algorithms can’t pick up “Male – Writer” and “Female – Thinks ‘Radom’, ‘Funney’, and ‘Treast’ Are Words”, and sense there’s a problem?

College: ITT Technical Institute, Owings Mills, MD

Oh yeah, I know that place. I think it’s within 25 miles of my house.

Favorite Things: I like all kind of music. when I watch tv it is mosty paranormal. I love horroe moves.

I feel like I’m trapped in a horroe movie right now.

Last Read: I dont read books.

You don’t say.

How is this my match?!

I’ve shown you mine, now you show me yours! (In as uncreepy a way as possible…)