Every Internet Dating Profile Ever

Not a great profile writer.

There’s really only one rule to follow when you’re creating a profile for a online dating: Be Different. OK…wait, no, there’s two rules. Be Different, and Avoid Hardcore Racial Slurs. Alright three rules. Just three. Be Different, Avoid Hardcore Racial Slurs, and Try To Abstain From The Phrase “Sweet Ass Titties.” I’ve learned that one the hard way.

Seriously though, being different is the only important thing. There are so many profiles on each site, and so many of them are earth-shatteringly boring – you need to make setting yourself apart the goal. Here’s a profile the other day that caught my eye…

“Secretive conservative sensory quiet mastered the art of listening without the words.”

That’s it. That’s the whole profile. Maybe she was crazy, or really super foreign, or just operating on a different plane than you and I – but either way, I remembered her. No way in hell I’m sending her an email, but two days later she’s still occupying some space in my mind – and that’s what we’re looking for. Jump out to your reader, wake them up, make them the forget the 10 ridiculously lame profiles they just skipped past to get to yours. The best way to do this? Avoid every lame ass Internet dating cliche out there. In case you’re new to the online romance game, I’ll do my best to collect these banalities for you here, in one easy-to-read locale. So here then is a summary of Every Internet Dating Profile Ever Written.

First, the obligatory picture from too far away to actually be useful…



Gosh, what do I say in these things? [Anything really, just try to avoid cliches.] LOL! [Too late.] I totally never thought I’d be Internet dating, but I know a bunch of people who’ve had good luck on here, so I figured, why not give it a shot? [You mean, other than price, time, unlimited potential for failure, and the requirement to write an appealing and attention grabbing profile? Other than that, yeah, why not enter into things flippantly?] Hey, if we hit off, we can just tell our friends we met in a bar! [Exclamation point!]

For the rest of this post, and a whole mess of other It’s Not a Match favorites, buy my new book Not a Match: My True Tales of Online Dating Disasters. 

Available for your ereader on Amazon and iTunes. It’s inexpensive, very funny, and only somewhat sad!

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13 Responses to Every Internet Dating Profile Ever

  1. Denise says:

    I hate the phrase, “I work hard and play hard(er)”… it alone makes me want to click next. And anything that starts with, “my friends and family think I’m,” also needs to die.

    Side note, I tried the first email tip… so far one hundred percent success! I may have only sent one… but still. I like it, you’re a winner. I’ll find love in only 95 more dates.

    • B says:

      I feel like if you’re gonna ask the friends and family you need to at least report their full opinion. “My friends and family say I’m very loyal…but also I could be better at returning calls and personal hygiene. “

  2. John says:

    You forgot Rule #436 – No Game Playing and being tired of the bar scene.

    “I will never tire of the bar scene.”

    • B says:

      Damn – you’re so right! Those are beauties. What is the bar scene, exactly? People standing around drinking and sometimes talking to each other? Because I have a feeling you still do that…

  3. Katy says:

    I’m pretty sure my old Match.com profile had the headline: “Fully vaccinated with a complete set of teeth.” Notice I didn’t say WHOSE teeth. You’ve gotta keep the mystery alive, amiright??

  4. Pingback: Internet Dating: Who Has It Worse, Men or Women? | It's Not a Match.com

  5. theshoegazer says:

    You hit on most of them. Don’t forget the “I like all types of music”, followed by a list of boring mainstream acts, with maybe one eclectic artist thrown in there that unbeknownst to us had a song on the Gray’s Anatomy soundtrack. Guaranteed you’ll see Jack Johnson’s name over and over again.

    Also, you forgot about how so many desperate girls play up their love of spectator sports, probably in the hopes that some backwards hat douchebag will take them out for some Michelob Ultras.

    And what is with all the Macchu Pichu pictures on dating sites? I’ve probably seen 2 dozen of them, easily.

  6. Trake says:

    YES! Man, you summed it all up. What does play hard even mean? It’s funny how a person can write so much “about” themselves and so very little.

  7. Sean says:

    Holy shit i’ve read that EXACT profile 1000 times

  8. Jerry says:

    Your articles are for when it abosulltey, positively, needs to be understood overnight.

  9. Matt says:

    “I love to laugh” that’s my personal fave. I’ve never heard a women utter those words yet it’s in 95% of profiles. I recently read the funniest, most creative profile from a woman. She took on the persona of a total trailer trash red neck bimbo. It was awesome. In talking to her I told her how I thought it would be fun to write a 50 shades of grey inspired profile. I wrote it – its good – and now I’m getting up the nerve to throw it out there.

  10. Pingback: The Time I Created a Fake Woman’s Profile… | It's Not a Match.com

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