Your Awful Story Olympics, Volume 1

My site was up for exactly one day before I got my first email from a reader who wanted to share their online dating disaster. It’s started a sort of competition – who can out-horror who, and the emails have kept coming. What I love is that everyone is so proud of the awfulness they’ve endured, wearing it as a badge of courage, insisting that they are the worst treated of all. It’s become the Olympics of horrendous dating, and so today, as much as I would love to be a participant, will serve as your judge. Otherwise you guys wouldn’t have a chance. Here are this week’s medal winners…

The Bronze:

Hey Dude – love the site. Just wanted you to know, your pee story has nothing on me. I went out with a girl who threw up three times. The last one was when I was giving her [oral sex]. It was nasty bro, but she was hot! -T. Wes (Weymouth, MA)

You’ve really earned this one, T. Wes. Obviously, you’ve gotta drink a lot in one evening to get all the way to three pukes – and that is award-worthy on its own. But T. Wes, what I love most is that your date vomited twice and still you said, “You know what I wanna do is give her some oral sex!” That’s impressive, buddy. What would she have had to do to get you to turn that down, not thrown up? Have you considered that vomit might be your own personal aphrodisiac?  If so, may I encourage you to date the three-foot by three-foot area of carpet next to my college freshman year roommate’s bed? That shit will drive you crazy!
The Silver

Oh my god, I just read your post about not going to dinner on a first date, and I wish I had read it a few months ago!!! I had drinks with a guy, and he proceeded to get totally shitfaced. I had a few too many myself and was having a good time, so when he asked if we should get some dinner to sober up, I said ok. Plus, free dinner right, so whatever. Except at our sober up meal at a PRETTY nice restaurant, he just kept drinking. I think he had a whole bottle of wine minus the one glass I was still slowwwwly sipping! He’s slurring his words at this point, and I look up and he’s got some cheese or something on the side of his mouth. As nicely as I can, I say maybe he’d like to go to the bathroom and clean himself up a bit. He says ok, and gets up, and then just starts swaying. I knew there was no way he was making it to the bathroom. Then all of a sudden he collapses and knocks our entire dinner table over, plates and everything! Everyone in the place was staring at us. SO AWKWARD. He was lying on the floor with all our food all over him! I looked down at him and told him it was probably just better if he went home. Without saying anything, he got up and stumbled off. Amazing!

He called me the next day and apologized and was really sweet. I felt bad for him. But when he asked me if I’d give him another chance, I just said no. Wendy (NYC, NY)

Not much to say to that one, really. I appreciate that you did feel bad for him, but not so bad that you didn’t turn him down for a second date or refrain from sending his embarrassment into a website where he would surely be made fun of. But fuck it, his loss is our gain.

Now, onto the gold…

The Gold

First place this week is just for an email, but what an email it is.

Dear [Anonymous],

You’re the first person I’ve emailed on match.com, I found your profile both funny and intriguing and I really like your crooked smile.

I’d be interested to hear more about you, if you write me back I will send you a fan fiction Garfield that I recently completed where Garfield accidentally eats a suicide lasagna that jon had baked for a friend of his with a terminal disease, how’s that for motivation?

-Bill

Clearly I never wrote him back. I wonder if this is his response to all the women, or if I’m just really lucky. – Anonymous in Phoenix, Arizona.

Have some dignity, Jess. It's not gonna happen.

Wow. You gotta give him a bit of a break, though, Anon. I mean, it was his first Match email after all. Maybe he hadn’t learned yet that you’re not supposed to be vaguely insulting and then earth-shatteringly creepy the first time you email someone. It took me a few weeks before I picked that up.

Also, there is no less sexy phrase on the face of the earth than “fan fiction.” If Jessica Biel wanted me to join her for a gourmet dinner with only the finest of wines and gluten-free delectables, but said that first I had to read her Buffy The Vampire Slayer fan fiction graphic novel, I would politely decline. And then she would turn pushy and sexual, as women also do in my presence, but I would hold strong! Because I am a man of conviction! And, also, writing a fake piece in a style of a piece you really like just for the shits and giggles of it is, well, really fucking lame.

If you could find it in your heart, Anon, to respond to young William, I think it would mean a lot to him. He’s probably young and confused and just doesn’t know how to talk to a woman. Plus, I’d love to get my hands on that Garfield! Why would Jon make someone a poisoned lasagna?!

Have a disaster story you’d like to share? Email me here to be included in the next Awful Story Olympics…

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One Response to Your Awful Story Olympics, Volume 1

  1. Pingback: Your Awful Story Olympics, Vol. 2 | It's Not a Match.com

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