I wouldn’t say I’m pessimistic about Internet dates. I prefer…realistic. I recognize that most of them are going nowhere, so I don’t really do the whole getting-excited-about-people-I-meet thing. Anyone can look good after two drinks and a couple of their top-tier stories, but I wanna see what it’s like after we’ve had dinner a few times and all their best material is used up. Make me smile when we’re bored and then I’ll get excited. But sometimes I break my own rules…
A little while back, I went out with a doctor. A hot doctor. A hot doctor who had a good sense of humor and seemed to find my jokes unreasonably hilarious. Around the It’s Not a Match offices, that’s what we call the “mother load.” (Note: There are absolutely no It’s Not a Match offices.) So halfway through the first date, I could see my skepticism was going to be tested. To remain unimpressed in the face of intelligent beauty, well that’s some serious devotion to negativity. I mean, come on…
Normally I’m up to the toughest of pessimistic tasks. But then Hot Doctor pulled out the secret weapon.
Hot Doctor: I’m kinda worried about this weekend…
Hot Doctor: I’ve gotta go visit my brother. He’s been having a lot of trouble feeling depressed, he stopped eating for a while. We’re worried he might kill himself.
So she’s smart, attractive, funny AND she comes from a difficult family background that might make her a little bit crazy?! DING DING DING we have a winner! Be still my beating and somewhat deranged heart. What can I say, I don’t mean to pick the complicated ones. I don’t start talking to a girl and hold out hope that perhaps one day she used to be a cutter. But come on, you’ve read this site, there’s something about a girl that’s just a little bit screwy that I can’t resist. My therapist is aware of the issue, I assure you. But I had only known Hot Doctor – or shall I say Hoctor? – for about an hour, and already I was feeling that thing you humans call excitement. Until, that is, she presented a level of screwy that I hadn’t yet considered.
Thing That Concerned Me #1: She had just started working at a new hospital because the patients at her previous one were all “pretty gross.” Upon further questioning, gross seemed to involve being really fat, smoking too much, and generally having a bad attitude. I don’t know, I mean I guess doctors are allowed to be annoyed with their patients, but not liking them because they’re fat seemed pretty tough. Especially for an obstetrician.
Thing That Concerned Me #2: She didn’t like Jews.
Now, she didn’t say “Jews” specifically, she said Israelis. But then, in her explanation, she listed off a bunch of characteristics that are stereotypically assigned to Jewish people. And it’s not as long as you dislike Israelis in general but not Jews specifically you’re totally in the clear. As the story went, Hoctor wasn’t getting along with a friend because the friend had recently taken on a boyfriend of Israeli decent. She said that and then I said nothing, because what really does one say when it looks like their companion is about to get super racist? Obviously from my expression, she felt it necessary to explain. “I’m not prejudiced or anything,” she said/they always say, “I’ve just had a lot of bad interactions with Israelis.” Saying nothing had worked so far, so I decided to stick with that game plan. “They’re just always getting into arguments. This guy is really opinionated and stubborn, which is exactly how I knew he would be, and I can’t handle it.” At that point, we were at racish – not all the way racist, but pretty darn close. Then Hoctor brought it home, “plus he always argues over the bill when we get food delivered. It’s like, ‘I’m sorry, but we have to tip more than 5%.’ ” Aaaaand we’ve achieved racist!
So OK, obviously this girl was not a fan of the Jewish people. Sorry, Israeli people. But I’ve never really seen racism in action before. It didn’t seem all angry and southern and Mel Gibsony like it does in the movies. She was this cute, sweet little Asian girl who for some reason just hated the crap out of Jewish people. It was weird. She was really great, other than the arbitrary hatred of people based solely on ethnicity. When I said I liked complex women, I meant more…complex feelings about life, not complex feelings about who to root for in Mississippi Burning.
So in the end, it turned out my skepticism was well founded. Hot Doctor asked me if I’d like to go out again, but I politely declined. Perhaps we could’ve had a fine time, but what if we got overcharged on the bill? I’d ask the waiter about it and all of a sudden I’d have a burning cross on my lawn. You just can’t build a romance on that. No matter how much she reminded me of a young Jane Seymour.
I like this site and the amusing anecdotes. As a person of the Jewish persuasion who does have some experience with Israel and Israelis, I can tell you… yeah, some of them are kind of like that?
I would be careful judging people based on perceived prejudice until it’s fully explored. Who knows in what kind of household this woman grew up in, in what kind of community? Who knows what her previous experience of Jews (or Israelis) were?
Also, who hasn’t been bitter about an ex and then tarred them with broad labels (“all girls are crazy”)?
I’m just saying anti-semitism is one of the strongest things you can tar someone with. Look at Mel Gibson. It’s usually worth looking into before a judgment like that is made.
That said, I believe in gut instincts with dating (probably why I do so poorly at it), which means that if you weren’t feeling this girl, then that’s fine anyway. Just saying, if this seemed like the only “bad” thing, it might be worth more of a talk.
Ha, well you’re a better person than I, feitelogram.
I knew she was Asian the minute you she said she didn’t like Israelis( and not Jews). To Asians disliking Israelis isn’t the same as disliking Jews. Israelis in general are known to treat Asians like crap( or atleast thats the feeling most asians get). They have utter contempt for Asians and generally when they travel to Asia assume the locals don’t exist. I’ve never met an Israeli who hasn’t been rude and obnoxious to me. (Yet once you realize that’s just how they are and are rude and obnoxious back you can be great friends) But Jews and Jewish people born and raised in America or even Europe? They have never hurt me or been rude to me. And have been great friends and usually Jewish men marry and are attracted to Asian women. All of them have been nice. It’s not a racial thing. It’s a cultural thing. She had a problem with Israeli attitude and not Judaism. BIG difference. I don’t think that makes her racist. Just biased. I personally don’t have any problems with Israelis but I am not blind to how the general population treats Asians.
“I’m not racist, but…” is usually always followed by a racist comment. It’s like when someone says, “don’t panic, but…” and then they tell you something awful. Why preface these things? Why not just say:
“So, I’m about to be super racist up in this bitch…” or “hey, get ready to start breathing into a paper bag…”
I’m Israeli and I have to say, most guys I get to meet either briefly or thoroughly, really are opinionated, stubborn, and seem to be fond of arguments. I don’t really get to meet non Jewish- Israeli men, so cant say if its a guy thing or an Israeli guy thing.
But I can understand where you’re coming from, I can never go on a 2nd date or be friends with anybody that give me the feeling they’re prejudiced. major turnoff.
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One myth is that some people may think asians are smart and they like jews. Wrong. They could never happen at the same time. In case asians are smart, they will know that jews controlled media hate asians especially guys. No love for jews, from asian friends.
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