I was going through my emails last night, doing my best to respond to everyone (I’m trying, I promise!), when all of a sudden…a diamond appeared. It was a note from a reader, and it was amazing. My first thought was to include it in this month’s Awful Story Olympics, but then I realized it needed to be more. “More than a fake competition you made up for your dating blog that involves pictures of prizes instead of actual prizes? How can anything be more than that?” you ask. (You’re getting to be kind of a dick, by the way). Yes – even more than that. This message needed its own column, because it revealed the answer to one of life’s great questions. What is Internet dating like if you’re a really hot chick? I know! Awesome, right?
The reader’s name is Olivia, and I’m sure every guy reading this has emailed his fair share of Olivias. I know I have. You wonder why they’re even on Match, and how one could ever be noticed in the torrent of emails they surely receive. If you’re a lady, you’ve probably seen an Olivia and thought “oh, give it a rest.” Hell, I’m sure I have. No one has a lot of sympathy for hot girls. But after reading this, perhaps you will…
Olivia: At the risk of coming of narcissistic, I’ll admit that I am an attractive girl. I’m 5’10”, slender, blonde hair. I travel for a living which most people find intriguing, Ivy League-educated, and have guys always telling me I’m the quintessential “dream girl”. So in other words, I get a LOT of emails on match. My first day I had 179 and average about 50 daily since then.
B: I’m sorry, let me repeat that. 50 EMAILS A DAY. 50! 179 emails on her first day?! Think of that next time you want to send something lamely uninspired, or are wondering why a fetching girl didn’t write you back. Because 49 other guys hit her up at the exact same time. And her job, most likely, is not “Writing Emails to Dudes I Don’t Know.”
Now, do I have any reason to believe this? Have I seen a photo of Olivia? No I have not. But to me, it just sounds true. Why exaggerate your appeal in an email to some writer you’ll never meet, right? ALSO, she sent me this: a copy of her Match dashboard. It’s insane.
78 new emails, 3811 profile views, and 182 people making Olivia a favorite. You know how many people have made me a favorite? 2, and one of them is in Poland. Honestly, 3811 profile views is one of the craziest numbers I’ve ever seen. I had no idea the counter even went into quadruple digits! So really, anyone still doubting that Olivia’s pretty hot?
(As an aside, I love that even with all this attention, she’s still received zero phone alerts. That new function’s working out great, Match!)
OK, back to the email…
O: All these emails mean I end up not responding to the vast majority of them just due to the sheer number. Most guys take it easy and move on, some attempt second emails (which is usually successful), sometimes even third (which is never successful), but most generally understand: if a girl doesn’t respond, she’s not interested and don’t get upset over it.
The other day I got this email from someone who was NOT happy that I did not respond:
“I’m sorry if I was not hot enough in few pics on a website to get a reply from a supermodel(sarcasm) like you, based on your pics you think way too high of yourself, see I accept being average looking, hence the email to you. Be open to more possibilities than that dream guy/prince charming/underwear model/rich man who will NEVER email you and doesnt exist and you may find real love and an amazing guy here, gettin tons of emails on a dating site doesnt make you more attractive than before you started online dating and suddenly doesnt make you a 10, just to let you know…just means there are alot of horny dbags who havent been with many women and players who figure if they send 300 emails a day out tellin you how hot you are that might get them laid…remember that babe, and your loss on an awesome guy who would have rocked your world in every way ;)
Ps not a lot of gq models looking for average lookin slightly out of shape women, how many years have you been online dating now????!!! lmao well hope your gettin the attn you joined for…enjoy growing old on here, while waiting for george clooney, should be fun :)”
B: See. Now you feel kinda sorry for hot girls, don’t you? Her two crimes were existing and not responding, and her punishment was a long, very personal – albeit horribly written – attack email. That kinda sucks. Lucky for us, Olivia doesn’t fuck around.
O: I was appalled. I wanted to ignore it, but it made me angry so I had to write something back. There was a lot wrong with this guy as to why we aren’t matches. He’s 38 and I’m only 25 (creepy). He smokes and I have listed I’m not interested in dating smokers. He didn’t even graduate college, despite the fact I list I’m looking for educated men, and how important it is to be educated. On top of that, he works in construction, and my profile and photos should clearly show our lifestyles don’t mesh. He basically ignored my entire profile, and then got mad at me for not responding. Here’s what I wrote back:
First of all, it’s not because you’re not “hot enough” that I didn’t respond to you. I don’t feel I need to apologize for not reciprocating any interest when I’ve clearly listed my desired age range as up to 35. Age is just a number, and I’m sure people only put approximate ranges that aren’t deal-breakers, but 38 is just too old for me and out of my comfort zone.
Secondly, it’s only been four days since you messaged me. I’ve only just recently opened it. I’m constantly at a three-day backlog of messages, and excuse me for not making you a top priority in my life. You’re not the first guy to send a second email… but usually they wait a week or two, and I often respond to second emails because opening one that says, “I emailed you before but thought I’d try again” catches my attention enough to respond.
Oh, and just so you know, I get my match e-mails on my Blackberry, which I can read before signing in online. You know what I like about that? That my phone doesn’t show the photos, and I can read the message without judging the sender based on their looks.
Even if you were 28, I can tell you right now your initial message was pretty much the same comments, same questions, and same tidbits about yourself as 80% of what turns up in my inbox, the exact same kinds of emails I generally don’t respond to, anyway.
The reason I’m on Match at all is to find dates. I don’t do bars, I don’t accept invitations from guys who ask me out after five minutes, and friends have already tried setting me up with every guy they know. I’ve been on here for a month, and despite the nearly 1,500 emails I’ve received, I’ve only gone on three dates… but not because I’m some superficial, picky “supermodel” who wants perfection… I do not have the time. If I go on a date with someone, I probably won’t be available for a second date for a month, a third date for a month after that. That doesn’t work for 99% of guys. So, please, accept my apologies for trying a different approach or trying to meet new people in a modern way. I guess I’m not allowed to be on an online dating site, since you seem to think beautiful people have no trouble finding quality dates, and are baffled that someone like me could be single, or that I just need an ego boost to my already bursting vanity. I’ll just ignore your double standards, sexism and stereotypes if that makes you feel better.
You should feel lucky… This is the longest e-mail I’ve written anyone on match so far. Congratulations.”
B: Well…great. Now I’m in love with Olivia. I can’t imagine the delight that must’ve filled this man’s heart when he went to his in-box and saw a message from her. “It worked!,” he thought. “I put her in her place and now she came crawling back to me. They always do. I rule!” And then he opened the email and started to read, and that’s when his day got really really shitty. And how about Olivia laying the smackdown on him?! I now see how she got 182 favorites.
O: Now, again today, I’ve received another angry response for not replying to an email, from some delusional guy who can’t take rejection.
This guy sent me a better-than-average email two weeks ago, and again a week later. He’s not hot, but cute, but I didn’t respond because he lives… 700 MILES AWAY. Did he really think I’m going to respond to someone who doesn’t even live in the same region of the country?
He sent me a short message just saying “I get it, you are just not a very friendly person..”. A little rude, but I can deal with it. But then an hour later (in response to a photo of the NY Skyline, which Olivia jokingly captioned as “You’d have to live in a basement not to recognize this…”)
And FYI, your comment about people who live in basements makes you sound very unintelligent and unattractive…I know a lot of basement dwellers with a much higher IQ than you who aren’t so damn judgmental.
I guess it’s not easy finding a woman with beauty, brains and class. You know the ones who are fun to be around for more than one reason.”
I’ve got a whole library of bad emails if you’d be interested in knowing just how bad some guys’ attempts at contact are, and how to NOT write an email.
B: And that…folks is what we’re saving for next time. I asked Olivia one follow-up question: “If you could tell guys one thing to do to grab your attention, what would it be?”, and got a massive response. Some of it stuff I’ve told you before, some of it brand new even to me. Rather than do a 4,000 word post, I decided break it up into segments, so tune in next week for the next riveting installment. The working title: “Advice From a Hot Girl: How to Meet Your Online Dream Girl.” And believe me, after you read it, you’ll never write another lazy subject line again.