I was going through my emails last night, doing my best to respond to everyone (I’m trying, I promise!), when all of a sudden…a diamond appeared. It was a note from a reader, and it was amazing. My first thought was to include it in this month’s Awful Story Olympics, but then I realized it needed to be more. “More than a fake competition you made up for your dating blog that involves pictures of prizes instead of actual prizes? How can anything be more than that?” you ask. (You’re getting to be kind of a dick, by the way). Yes – even more than that. This message needed its own column, because it revealed the answer to one of life’s great questions. What is Internet dating like if you’re a really hot chick? I know! Awesome, right?
The reader’s name is Olivia, and I’m sure every guy reading this has emailed his fair share of Olivias. I know I have. You wonder why they’re even on Match, and how one could ever be noticed in the torrent of emails they surely receive. If you’re a lady, you’ve probably seen an Olivia and thought “oh, give it a rest.” Hell, I’m sure I have. No one has a lot of sympathy for hot girls. But after reading this, perhaps you will…
Olivia: At the risk of coming of narcissistic, I’ll admit that I am an attractive girl. I’m 5’10”, slender, blonde hair. I travel for a living which most people find intriguing, Ivy League-educated, and have guys always telling me I’m the quintessential “dream girl”. So in other words, I get a LOT of emails on match. My first day I had 179 and average about 50 daily since then.
B: I’m sorry, let me repeat that. 50 EMAILS A DAY. 50! 179 emails on her first day?! Think of that next time you want to send something lamely uninspired, or are wondering why a fetching girl didn’t write you back. Because 49 other guys hit her up at the exact same time. And her job, most likely, is not “Writing Emails to Dudes I Don’t Know.”
Now, do I have any reason to believe this? Have I seen a photo of Olivia? No I have not. But to me, it just sounds true. Why exaggerate your appeal in an email to some writer you’ll never meet, right? ALSO, she sent me this: a copy of her Match dashboard. It’s insane.
78 new emails, 3811 profile views, and 182 people making Olivia a favorite. You know how many people have made me a favorite? 2, and one of them is in Poland. Honestly, 3811 profile views is one of the craziest numbers I’ve ever seen. I had no idea the counter even went into quadruple digits! So really, anyone still doubting that Olivia’s pretty hot?
(As an aside, I love that even with all this attention, she’s still received zero phone alerts. That new function’s working out great, Match!)
OK, back to the email…
O: All these emails mean I end up not responding to the vast majority of them just due to the sheer number. Most guys take it easy and move on, some attempt second emails (which is usually successful), sometimes even third (which is never successful), but most generally understand: if a girl doesn’t respond, she’s not interested and don’t get upset over it.
The other day I got this email from someone who was NOT happy that I did not respond:
“I’m sorry if I was not hot enough in few pics on a website to get a reply from a supermodel(sarcasm) like you, based on your pics you think way too high of yourself, see I accept being average looking, hence the email to you. Be open to more possibilities than that dream guy/prince charming/underwear model/rich man who will NEVER email you and doesnt exist and you may find real love and an amazing guy here, gettin tons of emails on a dating site doesnt make you more attractive than before you started online dating and suddenly doesnt make you a 10, just to let you know…just means there are alot of horny dbags who havent been with many women and players who figure if they send 300 emails a day out tellin you how hot you are that might get them laid…remember that babe, and your loss on an awesome guy who would have rocked your world in every way ;)
Ps not a lot of gq models looking for average lookin slightly out of shape women, how many years have you been online dating now????!!! lmao well hope your gettin the attn you joined for…enjoy growing old on here, while waiting for george clooney, should be fun :)”
B: See. Now you feel kinda sorry for hot girls, don’t you? Her two crimes were existing and not responding, and her punishment was a long, very personal – albeit horribly written – attack email. That kinda sucks. Lucky for us, Olivia doesn’t fuck around.
O: I was appalled. I wanted to ignore it, but it made me angry so I had to write something back. There was a lot wrong with this guy as to why we aren’t matches. He’s 38 and I’m only 25 (creepy). He smokes and I have listed I’m not interested in dating smokers. He didn’t even graduate college, despite the fact I list I’m looking for educated men, and how important it is to be educated. On top of that, he works in construction, and my profile and photos should clearly show our lifestyles don’t mesh. He basically ignored my entire profile, and then got mad at me for not responding. Here’s what I wrote back:
First of all, it’s not because you’re not “hot enough” that I didn’t respond to you. I don’t feel I need to apologize for not reciprocating any interest when I’ve clearly listed my desired age range as up to 35. Age is just a number, and I’m sure people only put approximate ranges that aren’t deal-breakers, but 38 is just too old for me and out of my comfort zone.
Secondly, it’s only been four days since you messaged me. I’ve only just recently opened it. I’m constantly at a three-day backlog of messages, and excuse me for not making you a top priority in my life. You’re not the first guy to send a second email… but usually they wait a week or two, and I often respond to second emails because opening one that says, “I emailed you before but thought I’d try again” catches my attention enough to respond.
Oh, and just so you know, I get my match e-mails on my Blackberry, which I can read before signing in online. You know what I like about that? That my phone doesn’t show the photos, and I can read the message without judging the sender based on their looks.
Even if you were 28, I can tell you right now your initial message was pretty much the same comments, same questions, and same tidbits about yourself as 80% of what turns up in my inbox, the exact same kinds of emails I generally don’t respond to, anyway.
The reason I’m on Match at all is to find dates. I don’t do bars, I don’t accept invitations from guys who ask me out after five minutes, and friends have already tried setting me up with every guy they know. I’ve been on here for a month, and despite the nearly 1,500 emails I’ve received, I’ve only gone on three dates… but not because I’m some superficial, picky “supermodel” who wants perfection… I do not have the time. If I go on a date with someone, I probably won’t be available for a second date for a month, a third date for a month after that. That doesn’t work for 99% of guys. So, please, accept my apologies for trying a different approach or trying to meet new people in a modern way. I guess I’m not allowed to be on an online dating site, since you seem to think beautiful people have no trouble finding quality dates, and are baffled that someone like me could be single, or that I just need an ego boost to my already bursting vanity. I’ll just ignore your double standards, sexism and stereotypes if that makes you feel better.
You should feel lucky… This is the longest e-mail I’ve written anyone on match so far. Congratulations.”
B: Well…great. Now I’m in love with Olivia. I can’t imagine the delight that must’ve filled this man’s heart when he went to his in-box and saw a message from her. “It worked!,” he thought. “I put her in her place and now she came crawling back to me. They always do. I rule!” And then he opened the email and started to read, and that’s when his day got really really shitty. And how about Olivia laying the smackdown on him?! I now see how she got 182 favorites.
O: Now, again today, I’ve received another angry response for not replying to an email, from some delusional guy who can’t take rejection.
This guy sent me a better-than-average email two weeks ago, and again a week later. He’s not hot, but cute, but I didn’t respond because he lives… 700 MILES AWAY. Did he really think I’m going to respond to someone who doesn’t even live in the same region of the country?
He sent me a short message just saying “I get it, you are just not a very friendly person..”. A little rude, but I can deal with it. But then an hour later (in response to a photo of the NY Skyline, which Olivia jokingly captioned as “You’d have to live in a basement not to recognize this…”)
And FYI, your comment about people who live in basements makes you sound very unintelligent and unattractive…I know a lot of basement dwellers with a much higher IQ than you who aren’t so damn judgmental.
I guess it’s not easy finding a woman with beauty, brains and class. You know the ones who are fun to be around for more than one reason.”
I’ve got a whole library of bad emails if you’d be interested in knowing just how bad some guys’ attempts at contact are, and how to NOT write an email.
B: And that…folks is what we’re saving for next time. I asked Olivia one follow-up question: “If you could tell guys one thing to do to grab your attention, what would it be?”, and got a massive response. Some of it stuff I’ve told you before, some of it brand new even to me. Rather than do a 4,000 word post, I decided break it up into segments, so tune in next week for the next riveting installment. The working title: “Advice From a Hot Girl: How to Meet Your Online Dream Girl.” And believe me, after you read it, you’ll never write another lazy subject line again.
I haven’t used Match in about a year (still recovering from the related PTSD) so I don’t know if this function is still around or if it’s only available to a certain level of membership but…
She should use the inbox filters. You can designate everyone who tries to email you who doesn’t fit into a certain age range, education level, distance from you, smoking habits, marriage history (I think…) to be sent to a different inbox. A spam filter for people, as it were. And then everyone who does fit into these criteria go to your normal inbox. You can still visit the filtered inbox if you want to.
Could help. It helped me.
As an average cuteness girl, who gets an average number of e-mails from all types of Match.com guys from everywhere…you are now my new hero. Alas, I never thought about the abundance of (and creepy) e-mails being beautiful would bring on when on a dating site but now realizing that you get my average intake of emails times 20, I feel for you. Good luck!
Reading about Olivia’s struggle did not make me feel bad for her at all. Maybe she should put a not so hot picture of herself online to weed out the idiots that only want to date her for her supermodel looks. That’s what I do except that I’m not hot and I only have unattractive photos of myself and, what’s worse, they’re the pretty ones. However, I’m sure she can’t take a bad photo.
I kinda hope that she gets off online dating altogether. As I can’t compete with the hot women in LA in real life, thinking that some 25 year old woman with long legs and yellow hair is enticing all the men in my age range (34-39), too, makes me sick. I can only wish her the best of luck in finding someone ASAP. The only thing I feel for her is jealousy.
Next week you can write about celebrities and how it sucks for them to not be able to go to Trader Joe’s without makeup.
Haha, so true!
Sorry, Olivia, but the general public doesn’t feel sympathy for those who have “so much they don’t know what to do with it!!”
Whether that be money, fame, friends, free time, or yes, even potential dates.
Yes, B, I understand finding the freako emails amusing, but please don’t put her “problems” on a pedastal with her own multisection column…
Ha ha, I appreciate your passion, Amy. And to be fair, it wasn’t Olivia who asked for the sympathy – she merely sent me a few horrific emails, and I ran with it from there. But I think her story is interesting, mostly to see how Internet dating can get screwy for all sorts of people in all sorts of situations.
OMG–I agree! Im on match and have the same issues but not as many as Olivia does ofcourse with 50+ a day–I dont get that high but although I do get my fair share, I dont complain about it–the creepers though–whether you get one a day or 50–they’r still creepers! Olivia is not a victim here–although it seems she is–Old, young, average or super model-like, we all–on any dating site, will get the creepy emails so you, Olivia-because you’re (and I dont know this to be true) are such a super-model type are no different. Its called–men and as women (if we are mature enough) have to deal with it if we want to explore online dating! Simply said–hide your profile when you’re away and when you’re not-use the filters–its the little buttons you press to make sure you dont get unwanted responses :)
There are some seriously jealous girls on this site, and jealousy isn’t attractive on anyone. Especially plain janes/ fuglies. Olivia is actually sweet. I don’t even respond period. Responding only prolongs a conversation- and you’re doing these men a favor by letting them know you’re out of their league by ignoring them. The sooner they realize it, the sooner they’ll spend their time/ resources on plainer girls. So fuglies- the “Olivia’s” of the world are actually doing you a favor.
P.S.- I’m a lawyer too, in case you try playing the “She’s pretty, but she’s dumb card.” And I routinely have to deal with frumpy, hater women all day, so I sympathize with women like Olivia and know what it is like to be the recipient of jealousy.
However, if it is a consolation to the fuglies, most of the educated, young, extremely attractive men on match do have some sort of shortcoming. I’ve prob gone out with every hot lawyer and doctor in my city and most were quickly put in the friend category. They’re either commitment phobes (important to discern this quickly ladies), socially awkward, or lied about something on their profile that is a deal breaker for me. So basically, plain girls aren’t missing out anyway. That being said, I’ve made some good friends/networked, eaten for free for months, and found my current match who is a great guy :)!
Totally agree. They have about 100 ways to filter out creepers on these sites and the beautiful women still complain. Try being a guy, actually taking the time to read profiles, write out an e-mail and maybe get one reply out of forty. Hours wasted while all this girl has to do is find one e-mail from one guy she actually likes.
Here’s an idea, don’t read the jerk e-mails! The first four words are usually indication enough that this mail is a jerk.
The statistics say than an average woman e-mailing someone her age will get a response after e-mailing five people. For the average man writing to women his age it’s fifty. Men e-mailing women much younger is closer to 150. Remember, this is average people, not Blake Lively’s twin that wrote in with her woe-is-me story.
Sign up, go completely private and find five guys you actually like and send them e-mails. If you’re a 5-10 pretty blonde it will take you about thirty minutes to get a date with whoever you want.
Yes, there are creepy guys out there and they suck. There are also completely normal guys that have had their fill of the bar scene.
This is not giving a pass to the jackasses that send follow up “I lost sleep waiting for you to reply to my message” angry emails, but one of my biggest online dating pet peeves is women that take the time to go to a dating site, sign up, fill out a profile, add pictures…and then say they have very little or no time to date. I’ve been in extremely busy stages in my life – even now having 2 jobs, mentoring, hosting exchange students, etc. When I see my plate is full, I wouldn’t go to a site that only is used for meeting new people. So I don’t understand why others do it so often. Was Olivia on Match just to save guys for a rainy day knowing how busy she is? Who likes being put on the back burner for a month or 2? I would suggest that she completely walks away from dating sites until she’s in a place where she can put more time and attention into her love life and meeting someone. And my suggestion to people that get frustrated when they don’t get replies, “send it then forget it.” That way if you don’t get a response, you don’t even remember it. But if you do, then it’s a pleasant surprise.
Seatown, NO ONE has time to respond to 50 emails per day.
Well, being a match participant–if you know you’re going to be away for months and/or you travel–make sure its clear in your profile–very clear–AND hide your profile when you know you wont be available–its easy–click the button! :)
That’s a really good reply. It sums up my reaction to reading the article. Olivia is not my hero at all; it seems like Match was just a way for her to stroke her ego given the fact that she has basically no time to invest in dating. On top of the fact that women as a rule don’t need to make the first contact so the burden is on the men to contact her in the hopes that she will throw them a crumb of attention. She should try speed dating which is quite time-efficient and would put her face to face with 10-20 men at a time.
I also agree with your suggestion for the men. Send it then forget it. As a man I went through a phase of obsessing over my online dating inboxes, but now I know better. If a woman sees my profile and likes it, she’ll let me know. Otherwise I will focus on having a life that doesn’t depend on fretting over the validation of a woman.
Completely agree. Super model or not, woman or man, if you’re going to commit to dating in any sense (e-life or real life) be considerate to your potential match, “make” time for at least one date a week – this is your potential soul mate we’re talking about, that over time can wait!
Also, great advice on the “send it and forget it”, thinking about it afterwards is just setting yourself up for disappointment.
This article totally made me think of B’s previous one where he set up the fake “hot girl” profile with his friend. It’s kind of surprising how this girl, Olivia, is getting such a dramatically higher number of emails than his fake hot woman with the cleverly crafted profile did in his little experiment. Care to venture a guess as to reason(s) on why there’s such a dramatic messaging disparity B?
Very interesting and eye-opening. However, one big question is what Olivia’s profile actually looked like (although the picture caption you mentioned suggests it was informative).
What I am complaining about is the typical profile of hot girls on match : short and frustratingly useless for someone trying to write them an email.
From my experience as a dude on Match and okCupid, most “hot” girls write very brief profiles without anything to work with in your first contact email. Even worse, some will just describe themselves by saying “my friends would call me warm, passionate and loving. I love food and travel and resting at home,” then repeat this about 100 times throughout the profile. Others will finish with the annoying “email me if you want to know more.” Let’s guess what every guy will write : “Hello, my name is X and I’m interested.”
So, hot girl with lame profile: all guys write the same stuff because you gave us zero, one, or two things to work with and there is only a few ways to express how I love my friends with comparable passion to yours.
I focus on this because I think of myself as a B-like guy : someone who wouldn’t have survived evolution if culture, i.e., writing and talking, didn’t become a possible way to compete with the Clooneys and Mannings of the world (Sorry B). So, when my best chance on match is to write a witty email about something related to the girl I’m interested in, I can’t help but get frustrated with such profiles that have nothing to offer. Without anything to work with, my email will sound just like any other douchebag’s email.
Basically, these hot girls (pardon the stereotyping), are redoing their act in real life: I don’t need to tell you about me because I’m hot, so I’ll just pos(t my pictur)e and will passively listen to your greetings.
After doing this righteous rant every time I see a hot girl’s short profile, I end up emailing her 90% of the time. I spend 30 mins going over the same stupid description, trying to figure out an angle in vain. So, I look at my WWBD bracelet (what would B do? — bad idea, I know), and write a funny self-deprecating joke that works less than 1% of the time, and 30% of the time I’ll just see that she visited my profile without emailing, which is even worse (I know, I’m a hypocrite because I do it too). So, during my last days on match, I simply started skipping such short profiles even if the girl was a 9 or a 10. That leaves her mostly with the douchebags and weirdos.
.. or normal guys who haven’t quit on emailing her yet.
Ha, very funny, Sari. Rest assured, when I am confronted with a profile that’s appealing on images but not so much content, I do the exact same thing. Stare at it and try to figure out what the hell I’m going to say. Or, at least, I used to. I’ve since realized that if I can’t think of anything conversation worthy after reading a profile that it’s only gonna be worse if we somehow get to meeting in person. It seems like trying to strike up a conversation is worth it if a woman’s pictures are really that appealing, but honestly, it’s not subsequent emails or conversations are going to get any better. And ultimately, a shitty date with a hot chick is still a shitty date.
You say you’re a “B” guy, don’t be surprised when a girl much hotter than you are doesn’t find you attractive. She has eyes too.
I just ignore those profiles. Even a super hot picture in a profile that says nothing means either (1) the woman thinks of nothing to say or (2) isn’t open enough to post details. Either way, she won’t like me and I won’t like her.
So what your saying is that there is no hope for us single men looking for love on Match when we have to compete with 50+ other potential suitors every day. Gee, thanks for making my day….
I don’t want to bore you folks but maybe some things I said before bear repeating. If I net it out, the two most important factors to me are a) we expect more precision from the medium of internet dating than it is good for and b) the same dating dynamics apply here that apply in “real life”.
As to a), not only are sites like match.com not only not as perfect as we would hope them to be; in some ways they are worse as they are fraught with the problems that come from the relative anonymity that the Internet provides. It brings out the worst in some people. Men and women alike, I guess, but (I am afraid) more often so in men. Penis pictures, uncouth descriptive texts, demands, and worse.
Pair that with the fact that the regular dating dynamics still apply and you have a recipe for disappointment. To men, it is a numbers game and so we are willing to take more chances. Being used to rejection, we are “willing to find out”. Women, I have come to believe, are less willing to incurr even social risks, let alone physical ones. In a dating environment, women will not meet with you if they have for the most part already precluded the liklihood that they will have sex with you.
It literally does not matter that you may have a 96% match on the dating questions including the showstopper items. If she is not smitten by your looks, she will not meet. The interesting part is that this applies to the Internet a little bit more so than to “real life”. In “real life” your personality can win out. But, there too, it comes down to “is she potentially willing to have sex with you”. The answer is mostly “no”.
You make some good points Beardsley. Like many I thought that sites like Match or OkCupid would make it easier to date, but it’s proving to be quite the opposite for the reasons you outlined and more. It makes me feel like the whole exercise is pointless from a guys perspective. I’m a great guy with a lot to offer, but if I’m just getting lost in the deluge of emails then my chances are little at best of actually getting a response. If I see a profile from a woman that catches my eye or if I think has a great profile a lot of times I don’t even bother to send an email to her anymore. I mean, what’s the point? There’s less than a 1% chance I’ll get a response no matter how witty or funny or creative my email is. And even though logically I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up it’s difficult to divest any emotional attachment of a potential match. Sure, men are more ‘used to rejection’ but you know what, it still HURTS no matter what the circumstance. There’s only so much rejection one can take before the instinct of self preservation kicks in and you just don’t bother even trying any more because you just don’t want to deal with the rejection. It’s a stupid game that we play, but what other choice do we have? It reminds me of a line from an old Depeche Mode song I used to listen to: “It all seems so stupid that it makes me want to give up, but why should I give up when it all seems so stupid?”
If a girl has a gorgeous pic and little else, I just say something like “Hey I like your pics as you seem very physically attractive, and I like the fact that you’ve never been married, never had kids, want kids in the future, and have a degree. I suppose it’s enough to pique my curiosity. But I need to find out a bit more about you before I ask you out. Yes I actually read profiles! So if you’re interested in getting to know me, please let me know a bit more about you.” It never seems to work, lol
A friend of mine and I are doing that exact experiment right now on OkCupid. We crafted a “hot girl” to see what they go through. It’s been eye-opening. It’s been a week, and this profile has over 400 views and between 5 and 7 emails a day. Now that’s a far cry from 50 emails a day, but it still goes to show you how hard it is to stand out as a guy online.
So I’m supposed to feel bad for someone because too many people want to date her? Even if most of them are losers, it’s still not something I have sympathy for. It’s like if you were offered a free car and you tried to complain about how many models there were you had to choose from. Ok its not really like that but still…
If she is honestly getting that many replies, how is she not meeting enough people in the real world?
Sorry B but no. Let this one go. You just can’t compare the frustration of getting few and far between replies to the mild annoyance of having a too many options to quickly sort through. I’d rather get girls I don’t want sending me pissed off emails, then having the ones I do want not responding at all any day.
Wah, Wah, Olivia, get over yourself
P.S. “At the risk of coming of narcissistic, I’ll admit that I am an attractive girl” There’s really no way to recover any grace after saying something like that
Sorry, Steve, but I don’t agree. Someone who’s attractive isn’t allowed to admit or recognize that? Come on. And my goal isn’t purely to garner sympathy for Olivia, it’s to learn from the experience. Don’t you find it interesting that even for someone who might rate quite high on several traditional scales of desirability, that Match can still be a total drag? I don’t know, I do…
Well–my 2 cents :) Since I am a current match member–everyone has their own idea of what is attractive or above average on whatever level–it could be looks, education, income BUT the one thing that isnt discussed is that you’re looking for a soul mate no? That has nothing to do with education, income or looks (well chemistry does I suppose) so you cannot say in one breath “they can be average and Ill think about responding” etc and in the next say “they’re not educated enough” or “they smoke” etc… these are things that can be changed..the ONE thing that cannot be changed is WHO you are…not what you do and the immature mind of someone like Olivia has no idea until she grows up a bit..everything about a person, even looks (in this day and age) can be changed (other than actual birthdate) but you cannot change essentionally who you really are and THAT should be the only deciding factor..again,, just my 2 cents :)
That could easily mean that Match isn’t the format for her. If she really believes she is so especially hot that she falls into whatever top percentile of people get 3811 views, then she needs to hire someone professional up to the task, like Casanova or Cyrano. Otherwise she she quit Match and stop complaining.
Sorry, typo – I meant “Otherwise she should just quit Match and stop complaining.”
Why doesn’t she use the filters that match offers???? This Olivia girl is frustrating me too. Why doesn’t she do a search herself, with the qualities she looks for and she herself contact those guys??? Maybe she’s dumb.
“The reader’s name is Olivia, and I’m sure every guy reading this has emailed his fair share of Olivias.”
Not this one. In terms of the range of female attractiveness that would, in return, most likely find me attractive, I have learned over the years exactly where my wheelhouse is. (Also, in my experience, most guys I have ever met are very well aware of their respective wheelhouses. Some, like Olivia’s erstwhile and borderline-illiterate correspondent, choose to ignore it.)
From the sounds of things, Olivia is so far outside my wheelhouse I would read her profile, wonder wtf match was thinking in the first place sending someone like her my way, think “she’s gonna be great for someone else,” and move on by without a second thought. So there’s one less message you have to read, Olivia. Well, unless you count this one, which kind of cancels it out… so, uh, never mind.
Oddly, I’ve received a very similar (in tone and execution) message on match myself; to this day I cannot figure out why. My reply was somewhat more terse: “People that can’t be bothered–or don’t know how–to spell correctly do not interest me in the slightest. Good luck in your search.”
I think Olivia is being unfairly slighted here. No matter the level of attractiveness, no one deserves to be harassed for not responding to someone they aren’t interested in. An over the top polite thing would be to send out a message saying, “no thanks,” but it absolutely is not necessary. Saying attractive women deserve to be flooded with obnoxious emails is akin to saying that actors/actresses deserve to have every waking moment documented by photographers. The only thing I do agree with is that if she only has time for one date a month, she might try something other than online dating for companionship. She would have to be incredibly awesome for me to wait around a month in between dates. And I can’t stand those short profiles. “I’m capable of dressing up for a night on the town or being comfortable in sweats,” so are a lot of people – give me information, so I can attempt to make a connection with you, please. Regardless, I look forward to reading her advice and would love to see what she wrote in her profile.
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I too gave match.com a try (2 weeks as of now) and, although not nearly as bad as “Olivia”, within days I was receiving mass amounts of emails. To date I get about 20 a day. Even though I gave a fairly detailed profile, although somewhat vague for security, I would say that half are mass produced messages. My roommate is also on match.com and we constantly receive the same message from the same guy, word for word.
I can understand the frustration for women when all you want to do is meet a few new interesting men for a date and you wind up with an inbox full of messages from men that never bothered to look at your profile. I took the time to write something out, please read and see if we are even close to being compatible.
I can also understand the frustration on the men’s side when they don’t receive a quick response when they truly tried to write something creative. All I can say is don’t get upset if you don’t get a response for a few days, often times it takes a while to sort out the junk emails from the good ones. And if you never hear back, it might not mean that we don’t find you interesting. It could be we got frustrated and just gave up after the tenth “hey sweetie, you are so hot, I like oxygen too, we should meet up”.
I’m sorry Jane but you have clearly detailed a situation which is problematic for both sides but then basically you say guys should just suck it up and deal.
This is why I left online dating. Good quality women don’t have time to sort through the weirdos. Good quality men don’t have time to hand craft thoughtful personal emails which get ignored 95 percent of the time, even though they are ignored because of above.
I do not agree that men should just accept it and spend hours on the website crafting emails every day, and frankly noone would anyway.
It’s best to just jump ship if you are desirable in any way, try a meet up group (meetup.com).
I don’t think they’re waiting for George Clooney to email them. In fact, I don’t think hot girls go out with any of the people who email them. They spent $120 to fuel their narcissism. I’m a man and no humble way to put this; I’m hotter/tied for hotness with all the other guys on match in my area (yes I look at who I’m up against). My sister’s been on the cover of Marie Claire and in Maxim. When I walk around town, most women look at me, and when I look back, they quickly look away. Some make a point of not looking at me at all, and it’s fun to get in their way to see what they do (most often nothing, but sometimes they scowl). I’m 26 and I got a high paying job. I got a nice profile too. Here’s my experience, I’ve been using Match for 4 months, 0 emails sent to me, 0 emails I’ve sent returned, 1 wink from a 38 year old woman in Iowa (I live in California) without a profile pic. However, my profile has been viewed 437 times by 192 members (when they stop their membership the number goes down). I live in a small town too. About 20 are attractive and less than a dozen are truly hot. And I email those hot ones. So who’s viewing me? Are they all creepettes? Waiting to be hit on but too scared to hit on men themselves? Reactionaries. If anything, this site has made me misogynist. There’s some type of gender role thing going on my mother never taught me. Maybe it’s as this article says, the hot girls get so many emails it gets buried in everything, though only one email I’ve ever sent hasn’t been read (it tells you if emails are read). Or maybe they’re fakes similar to what the commentator BJE does. I don’t think that site is for hot people. It’s for average-looking people seeking other average-looking people.
You sound hot Phillip. I’d love to meet you.
Love connection on It’s Not a Match! Let’s make this happen!!!
You cracked me up Philip,
online dating is a place where women date up and men date down, because of the male-female ratio and not making this up. It doesn’t matter how sweet and gentle you are on your emails, how detailed and well crafted is your profile and even if you had great pictures…unless you are writing to someone you would not touch with a 10 feet pole, your response rate is going to be 10-20% and the ones you will get to be on a face to face date less than 5% plus they are going to be dating 3-4 guys….
Last person I went on a date from match told me she met a guy last Sunday, on Wednesday and Thursday, I was her Saturday date, and I asked her… so what’s wrong with these guys? and she told me one was a creap, the other one was “too nice”, and the third one I liked him but I think I can do better… I finished my drink, paid her drink and went home.
P.D. what do I have to do for you to introduce me to your sister? :D
Well, well, well …………………………..
I’m an attractive gal on Match. I couldn’t deal with all the email, time invovled, and guilt of letting guys down or not responding so I resorted to this —- I list myself as being in a completely different COUNTRY like Iceland. Then I list the guys I’m looking for as being somewhere like Zimbabwae. I know it sounds nutty, and it is a bit – but I’m not trying to be deceitful, just left alone. And it WORKS! It allows me to look at profiles in my own town/area without a constant barrage of emails. I contact the men first, then I immediately (like in the subject line) tell them where I live, and point them to my profile to understand why I do Match the way I do. I have not run into one guy who didn’t understand, and most end up feeling pretty good that they were the one I chose to talk to. They also realize I’m not “candy shopping” around for every dude possible waiting for the next best one to come along. It’s worked for me, and I will continue to do it this way. However, my issue lately is that it’s almost time to re-subscribe and suddenly guys that are “too good to be true” keep popping-up as choices when I do a general search. I truly do think Match is trying to bait me into staying on and continuing my paid subscription. That sucks. I hate the idea of someone sitting in an Match office trying setting up fake profiles and replys, but I’m certain it happens.
I’ll believe it when I see it.
A pretty gal Favorited my profile so I asked if she wanted to chat. Her profile stated she was one state away from mine and we started chatting over Email. Low and behold, she tells me “she” (if that’s what or who they really are) lives in some other country like Uganda or something.
When “they” stated that, I instantly asked that I needed verification, and they refused to even show me they were the same gal in the pictures on Match.com via video chat or private call or whatever.
I never replied back to her. Pretty sure that was a scam. And its happened at least twice to me. I chatted with another gal for over a month in Texas and again they refused to verify who they were via phone or video chat.
Last thing, as I mentioned in my first post, there ARE fake profiles on Match – girls too. I’m guessing that there are more fake “gals” than guys on Match due to the imbalance of the genders on the site in general. So, if some of these guys aren’t getting a response or a gal seems too good to be true, it could be a “fakey”. Some things I’ve noticed that you need to look for in fakes are: a large number of professional looking hot pics, exotic travel places, often with the person doing something “cutsie” with animals or kids; the profile being really well written and creative; they often list “never married”; their profile shows only “miles of” wherever they are, instead of a specific number like “100 miles of”; their age range goes well OVER their own (well under is typical, but not over); they have some really “cushy” job like neuroscience or veterinarian that they just left, or they are new to the area; their income listed is very high; and their “IM” might also be on, which is unusal for the average match member. Also, a “fake” profile may write back to you, maybe once or twice, very short sentences saying little. I’ve read that the opposite type of profile, one with very little effort put into it, is also on Match, but that hasn’t been my experience – maybe because those aren’t the kind I’m interested in looking at in the first place. But if it’s time to renew, a person should be really wary of fakes in general.
I think we all get harassing messages from time to time. We can only ignore them, and appreciate and respond to the ones we like. I’m sure Olivia is getting plenty of emails from at least a few handsome, and young, males with good jobs or college education. Appreciate those, and ignore the psychopaths.
I’m glad Olivia is not settling for the older men that are probably creepy, disgusting older men just looking for a piece of a**
Err…I don’t like the stereotype that just because the guy works in construction he’s uneducated and probably has a different lifestyle from a so-called Ivy League grad. I have a B.S. in compsci, but decided to work in construction. Let me tell you, depending on where you work and for how long, you can make a lot more money work in construction than the traditional route most college grads take. I guess in her case, since she’s from an Ivy League, she might be making well over $100,000 a year, and making this kind of money in construction is only possible if you start your own company. That being said, I guess these stereotypes should not bother be, since I tend to go for the more religious woman who believes there’s more to life than money and social-status.
Darn typos. work in = working in construction. should no bother be = should not bother me. woman who believes there’s more = woman who believes that there’s more
Ha ha Eric. An aside from all the Match tales and intrigue.
You are the first person I’ve ever seen do what I’ve done many times in emails — send follow-up emails correcting myself. I pride myself on my ability to communicate and move people’s ideas and emotions with the written word.
This is not false modesty. My spelling is sometimes so bad that even a spell check program can’t get a clue! :-) Then I’ll Google the word. Google is much more intuitive. Once I made a mistake in a correction; a third email was required. :-)
Oh yes, I did notice in some women’s profiles on Match sarcastic lines such as, “…and please know the difference between to, too and two.” So funny. Hey, I even know “through, though and thought. I’m so proud of myself. :-)
PS B, I don’t usually participate on blogs like this, but your blog is too insightful (and funny) to resist.
Thanks, John. Happy to have you!
Well. it’s true, only blodes re beautiful. I went to these dating sites and men and dating sites as well as dating services are ALL THE SAME!!! I have black hair and eyes,(yes,I ‘m causcasion) But these so-called services consider me ugly. I wrote a very nasty e-mail to Match.com. I give up on love!! there’s no love for me whatever, so I’m Planning on killing myself so I’m sending my LAST POST!
TL, Don’t consider yourself ugly because of what a website says! I know lots of men, (including me) who find dark-haired, dark-eyed women especially attractive and alluring!!!
I’ve noticed the ridiculous number of Russian women on Match – specifically in the UK. They somehow are able to describe themselves not as ‘Attractive, Average or Very attractive’ but as ‘perfect’ – they are generally ‘police officers, cooks or teachers’, and no profile description at all. Then if you even glance at their profile they ask you to mail themselves on a gmail or hotmail address straightaway. I’m on DatingDirect, not Match, which uses the same profiles but has different questions, so if there is a Match option to describe yourself as ‘perfect’ I’d be surprised but also put off by anyone who would describe themselves as such. Perfect? Do you not fart? Snore? Wake up screaming about the invading ninjas? (ok maybe that’s just me)
Oh, and they all have names like ‘babushka’, ‘percolatta’, ‘madeupname-a’ etc etc. And they’re all beautiful. So now I don’t even bother. Don’t give yourself a name ending in ‘-a’, as I’ll assume you are, as B says, a Russian prostitute. Sad, but unfortunately true
I’ve been on match.com about 2 months and will affirm, in Olivia’s defense, that beauty can be isolating. I’m not a supermodel, but if you’re good-looking and well-educated, Match.com is impossible. It works great if you’re average or under-average precisely because most of the people in this world fit that category! If you’re hot and smart – and a person of faith – fuggetaboutit!
Olivia. I was in your shoes ten years ago. I am a former car show model(no, not the bikini/heels kind), and an Ivy League graduate(A.M in Public Policy) as well. I had my share of jerks, but that is the reality of online dating. I just want to send her off with some encouragement, that I did meet an amazing, good looking, highly educated, financially secure, kind, and wonderful man….in Canada. Yes, I ended up moving for him, married him, and had a beautiful baby. No, I do not have my body anymore(though it’s not in BAD shape), he could care less that I attended Harvard 12 years ago, and my career is respectable but not my priority- I’ve recently quit to raise my kids. Guess what Olivia? My husband loves me no matter what. In ten years, you’ll be wishing for a man who loves you regardless of your looks/accomplishments. Your looks won’t last, your resume only impresses employers, and in the end, you’ll realize that a genuine guy is all you really need.
Ha ha Miti, i’m sorry to inform you that there is no correlation between smart and a person of faith. In fact they are mutually exclusive. IMHO of course.
She’s to blame for not setting up the inbox filters to prevent 38 year olds, etc from emailing her. She’d eliminate about 80% of unwanted messages, I bet. Most women have set up these filters and thus are not bombarded with messages. I guess she’s not completely tech literate..
Truly enjoyed your blog. You are very clever! I can kind of relate to this article as I recently joined Match about two months ago. I’m up to almost 10,000 views but it could be the same 20 guys checking me out over and over. Or, maybe some lonely 70 year old with a gimpy leg. I’m in sales and meet people all the time the old fashioned “organic” way. I guess I just wanted to try something different. It’s been fun, regardless and I’m not taking it too seriously. I have to admit though, although I look pretty good for my age, I did shave off an entire decade. I said I’m 42 but I’m 52. Shocking! Who would ever lie on this site! Ha! I’m up front when I meet anyone. Surprisingly they really don’t seen to care. Chalk one up for men! Who would have thought. My screen name is sleemlee by the way. I’m taking it down end of November. :)
Fucking hell, I’m pretty certain I would’ve spotted a 10-year diff! But if you were posting 10-year-old holiday photos that’s not fair.
I TOTALLY know where Olivia is coming from. I would say I fall into the hot girl category – except now I am 40 (w/a 6 year old). But my pics are still hot and I get a bunch of young guys looking for a Mrs. Robinson experience. The first time I tried Match almost a year ago – I had 2500 views in a month and countless emails. It was overwhelming – especially for someone that hadn’t dated since 1995! At first I was doing the thanks but not interested thing – but it just was too much of a time suck. I decided to give it a rest after a handful of dates – and I was pretty open to a lot of different types. Decided to go back on a couple days ago – already had over 100 emails and almost 400 hits in 2 days! Some of the same guys on there from last time. I am using different pics. The crazy thing is I just noticed my soon to be Ex husband on there. That pretty much creeped me out (92% match). Just waiting to see how long before he notices me.
Just felt the need to say I’m sure Olivia is real!
After reading (most of) the comments here, I am compelled to add one of my own. I certainly don’t fall under the, apparently, much coveted category of “hot girl”…far from it. I’m pretty average–not unattractive, but not Heidi Klum either. In the past 9 years, I have been on many dating sites and am currently doing a rather fun social experiment on eHarmony (since it’s miraculously only about $10 a month). Now, I am 59 years old, so my perspective is a bit different. But believe me, we are competing with all those young “hot” girls, too, even in our age range. (I know, creepy, right?) So, my question to the men is, “What great girls are you passing up because they just don’t register (visually) as ‘hot?'” You don’t even bother reading their profiles where you might discover that they are funny, interesting, articulate, grounded and sincere. They DO have time to write back and, in fact, are patiently and hopefully waiting for some great guy to contact them so they can find out just how much more fun (and much lower maintenance) they are. But you’re all too busy writing to women who get 50 emails a day, cannot book a date with you for a month (and then another month later IF she has enjoyed herself enough), and hey, word up, for whom you are just one guy in a long line of guys! I mean, what are the odds and who wants to waste their time playing them? It’s like a lottery, for crying out loud!
So, I guess you can stand in line getting older by the day…waiting…waiting…waiting for the hot women to throw you a bone or you can maybe take a closer look (and when I say “look,” I mean “read!”) at some of the average looking women. By the way, did you know Cleopatra, who is generally thought of as a real beauty (a la Elizabeth Taylor), was really NOT good looking at all, but remarkably sexy…hence her ability to attract the likes of many powerful men.
I’ve told my kids forever–marry someone you can have a great conversation with because, in the end, it’s all you have. The looks go, the energy goes, sometimes the money goes, and the sex life becomes non-existent (or just too darn dangerous)–but a good conversation with a good friend with whom you share wonderful memories keeps the embers glowing, even if the fire is no longer roaring.
All the best….Cynthia
I was a bit offended by her comment that the guy was “creepy” just because he sent an email to a woman 13 years his junior. Isn’t this just another form of ageism?
People are certainly free to exercise whatever preferences they want in a dating marketplace. If a woman (or a man) wants to date only left-handed redheads who were born in July, such is their right.
However, we have to stick to the idea that once you’re an adult, you’re an adult. There aren’t different castes of adult separated by age.
This same woman would likely be very offended if she were treated dismissively in the workplace because she is only 25. However, that is *exactly* what she is doing by labeling a 38-year-old man as “creepy,” simply because he emails a younger woman.
You are either a full adult at 25 or you’re not….You can’t have it both ways.
I firmly disagree and I’ll tell you the reasons why: because for one thing, she listed her age preference as being up to 35 years old. He totally ignored the fact that he was three years older than the oldest she was willing to go. Put yourself in her shoes just for a moment: why would a very attractive, successful, educated young woman need to go out with a guy that much older when she can easily get one who’s much closer to her own age (and probably much better looking for it)? Also, a man who is 38 is most likely in a totally different place in life than she is. She’s just starting out in her career, the world is hers for the taking and she’s probably going to wait a few years before she’s going to get married and start a family. Judging by most of the guys I’ve seen on dating sites who are his age, he’s probably already been married and divorced and has had all the kids he wants. Why should she waste valuable child-bearing years taking a chance on an older man who might not eventually want the same things she does? Furthermore, if that were the case, then what would be wrong with looking for the women who are his age? If in fact, he doesn’t want kids and isn’t looking to get married again anytime soon, why not look for someone closer to his own age who’s on the same page as he is? It’s the fact that she’s the young, hot model type that every man thinks he deserves. What they fail to take into consideration is that, like it or not, a woman like this has a ton of options. She may well already have her own ideas about what she wants in a man. And she’s supposed to feel guilty for not wanting a 38 year old construction worker who probably has a huge beer gut, is balding and only makes $30,000 a year? Get real.
lol Jenn, I think you need to do some research. Construction workers can EASILY make six figures. I know small machine operators that make 150k-230k with 10+ years experience.
You and Olivia share the same problem. You’re snooty women who think that it is a big deal that you are college/university educated. Stick your head out of the window. The streets are FILLED with them. You’re not special. It is easier than ever for women to get educated because of the incentives that women get simply for being women, especially in male-dominated industries. Men are not afforded similar incentives in ANY industry.
How do you know he has a beer gut? How do you know he is baling? How do you know how much he makes? You don’t know him. Stop judging.
I was simply attempting to illustrate the point that, like most men on dating sites, this particular man was most likely just an average guy who thinks he deserves someone who is way out of his league. By all accounts, it sounds like Olivia is out of many men’s leagues. And yet, these Shallow Hals will still try to get her, simply because she represents the “best” (read: hottest) kind of woman to shoot for. And for the record, men are not offered any incentives for one reason: they don’t need any. Women still only make an average of 85 cents on the dollar, even in female-dominated industries.
I’m a current online dating User and I honestly don’t feel bad, I don’t think she deserves to be treated with terrible emails or to be judged either, but simply this blogging is trying to make us feel sympathy for the hot girl, no matter if she puts hot pics or regular pics, at the end of the day, she still has more of an opportunity than us average guys or even great looking guys, you know how many lonely guys are out there, dating is not what it used to be especially my parent’s generation when you liked a girl and you went after her, now it’s all this B.S. and to much vanity, SO NO I DON’T FEEL BAD FOR HER, she could easily just delete the email and move on to the next email, unlike me I have to send out about 80 well thought emails to get a response(that’s not very good)
Totally agree. Very difficult to feel sympathy when us guys (hot or not) have to put 100% of our heart and creativity into every message when we rarely get a response of which has none in return.
It could be that you’re choosing women who are out of your league. If you’re only putting effort into crafting personalized emails for the hot chicks, yet the average ones only get a form letter or one line, I’d say a change in your approach is in order. Maybe you should put more effort into contacting women who might not look like models.
So I know this is an old thread, but this is very interesting to me! In all honesty, I’m not totally sure what my level of attractiveness is. I’ve had a few men in the past tell me that I’m beautiful, gorgeous, hot (or whatever word you want to use for good looking) but those compliments have been few and far between. I’m pretty tall (5’10) and really shy when it comes to showing interest in a man (initially that is), so sometimes I wonder if that’s why I rarely get hit on or if I’m not really that attractive afterall.
Anyway, with that being said, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m probably an average to slightly above average looking girl…not ugly, but not hot in the sense that every man wants me. Just explaining this so you know what (for lack of a better way of putting it) level I’m on.
I joined match a few months ago and I’ve actually gotten more responses than what I was expecting. I’d say I get about 20-30 winks and/or emails a day. Call me crazy, but I actually find this very flattering! I guess I don’t understand what there is to complain about. If you don’t want to be bombarded, there is the option of putting your profile on “hidden” that way you can search for who YOU want to email. When you find someone, take your profile off of “hidden” and email the guy. Just ignore everyone else that emails you during the time your profile is visable and quit worrying about them thinking you’re a bitch…afterall, you’ve expressed that you really don’t care to spare anyone’s feelings anyway. Here’s another idea..take your pictures completely off of your profile. Trust me, this will eliminate pretty much ALL interest and again, you can email who YOU want to email (and of course tell them that you can send your pics to them later)
As for me, I feel each person deserves some sort of response. I use the same email (or essentially the same) on every guy I have no interested in… “I’ve recently connected with someone else, but I appreciate your email/wink and I wish you the best of luck in your search for Miss Right”
I’ve never once had a bad response from a man when I’ve responded with this. Quite the opposite. Most will tell me to email them if things don’t work out or they’ll tell me that I’m very considerate and express how impressed they are. The best part, it only takes a few minutes a day to send these responses. (especially since i have the same thing written up for each one)
I guess my point is…you should be grateful that you have so many options available to you. If getting too much attention is such an annoyance, there are ways to fix that that really don’t take an ivy league education to figure out… I mean, hell, I went to a state school and even I have figured this out!! :)
I have read so many posts on the topic of the blogger lovers except this post is
in fact a nice piece of writing, keep it up.
Dating a Russian girl is a wonderful experience for everybody. Russian females are charming and sociable. They are excellent housewives. They rank family and motherhood first. They are well-educated. Nearly all Russian women have a university or college education. They are good at many things and highly respect the traditions.Therefore, before striking up a close relationship, men should learn a few important things about Russian culture and traditions.It is necessary to discover some facts about the country, its history, politics and religion. This will indicate that you are full of serious intentions and are genuinely interested in the world around your potential girl-friend or spouse.^
Our blog site
I just read your book and loved it!
I am so sorry I didn’t know about this site a year ago when I received the exact same second email as Olivia from what sounds like the same guy after not replying to his first email in 3 days time.
Or this morning,when I submitted it to the your site before reading this post!
So awful and amazing to know someone else had those things sent to them.
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I really doubt she got 78 emails in a day or even 2. Winks yes but emails, doubtful. I’d like to see the dates on these emails. If she did get that many emails its probably cause she has a ton of sexy, half naked pics. Even if a chick isn’t beautiful if she’s easy looking guys will think DUH she’s easy!………I’ll tell you about my experience on match. I signed up for the free trial (actually cancelled it after 2.5 days) I think I got 800 views, 1 favorites, 12 likes, 40 winks and 27 emails. Not to mention I had the same people viewing my profile over and over again like stalkers. I think it was the same 5 guys looked 5 times each. People that never winked or anything which was odd I thought. Now Mind you I only posted one pic of me. I had my hair pulled back. You could only see the top of my chest and my face was totally visible and you could see absolutely what I looked like! Not one of those pics where your camera is held 20 inches about you lol. I have a great body (not to sound conceded) but I didn’t post any sexy pics cause I didn’t want pervs bothering me cause they think they’re gonna bang me. Never the less, no one wowed me. I emailed back and forth with a couple guys 2 or 3 guys. One guy was actually pretty cute, not really totally my type but 1 year younger then me. There were some nice guys but just not my type AT ALL. A ton of creepy looking guys that I really didn’t even want checking me out to be honest. I thought about it a lot before canceling andim just at a point I feel like at 28 I’m too old to play the games of some lame dating profile. I felt bad for a few of the nicer guys that emailed me so I returned they winks before canceling my membership lol
She did, I saw her in-box. It was shocking.
Not impressive. I did the fake profile experiment and even an average looking girl got 10 messages within the first 30 minutes of registration. Not even a girl I would look twice at on the street.
You have to realize that the amount of ACTIVE men online versus ACTIVE women is disproportionate. It is almost 50:50 when you consider INACTIVE female profiles. But when you compare ACTIVE profiles, there are about A LOT more guys online than women.
I’m a male, almost 40 and still single. I have never joined any dating sites and don’t ever plan to. I’m no GQ model or anything like that. But, I’m not ugly either. I was certainly more attractive back when I wasn’t retirement age like I am now. My looks haven’t completely gone to shit, but they have gone down over time. A little more weight, a good bit less hair. For whatever reason, nothing has ever worked out for me, relationship wise. And I take responsibility for that. I can’t push it off on somebody else and cry that “oh, woe is me, why wouldn’t girls ever date me long enough to give things a chance”. It’s true that no girl ever dated me long enough for anything to develop into a (possible) serious relationship, but I have to stop and realize that the common denominator in all those instances was me. It could be that I’m just not “marrying material”. But, hey, it is what it is. We all pass away one day and it makes zero difference if we are married, single, kids, no kids, rich, poor, nice, mean, a nobody, a superstar, smoking hot or dog ugly, a janitor or the CEO of a large corporation. We all have the same destination, ultimately.
But, this isn’t about me. I’m actually posting this because of a friend of mine. He is just a couple of years younger than me and has never been married. He recently joined a dating site for the first time in his life. He’s doing really well. The problem is, he’s doing a little TOO well. As in he’s somehow getting to go on dates with women who are WAY out of his league. He’s already been out with two Olivia type girls. Hell, he may have even been out with Olivia herself with the luck he’s been having! So, my question is, is match.com have a lot of Olivias? And if so, do they seriously outnumber the men on there? I just don’t get how somebody who has never done much dating in life, is very average (maybe even below average) looking, has practically no personality can suddenly just step up to the plate and start knocking home runs right out of the park, so to speak. Is it that easy on match.com? I ask that one, because, if it is that easy, I need to sign up! While part of me is jealous, the other part of me is kind of concerned for him. It just seems too good to be true. It makes me ask “okay, what’s REALLY going on here?”. But, if I ask him that question, naturally he is going to say “oh, here we go, you are just jealous!”. Because he’s so enamored right now, he is not thinking clearly and he’s not seeing that all this sudden good fortune could very well come with lots of strings attached. If he is seriously just doing that well on there, then (as much as it pains me, LOL) I will say more power to him. But, I just have that feeling that his sudden success is not what it appears to be and something else is definitely going on.
I’m glad I found this blog. My first post (just above this one) was about my suspicions of my friend’s unusual and questionable success on match.com. This post is just about dating in general. Dating just sux. Period. It sux when you are young. It REALLY sux when you are older. Even in the best of times, when you are in your 20’s and you’ve still got most of your hair, your metabolism is still high, so little to no weight issues, your blood pressure and cholesterol are good, and you generally look and feel good, dating still sux. There is not even a word to describe how bad it sux when the hairline goes, the metabolism slows and opens the flood gates for the weight, the body starts to show signs of age and wear, little health issues start, and your youth is a thing of the past. Those younger than you start giggling and making jokes about how you are so old that you are so old, the candles on your birthday cake raised earths temperature by 3 degrees.
You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.
You are so old, you fart dust.
You are so old, you sat next to Jesus in school.
You are so old, you walked into an antique shop and they sold you.
You are so old, your birth-certificate expired.
You are so old, if you to acted your age, you’d die.
Yes, all those have been told to me by today’s youth. And the scary part? I’m still under 40!! The truth of it is, nobody is promised a damn thing. Just because someone was born and takes in oxygen each and every day does not mean they have any kind of God given right to a relationship. Some people will never meet anyone. I never have. I accept that. It just is what it is. I will die alone. But, really, don’t we all die alone? There are lots of people out there who are alone. If someone ever totaled up just SOME of the lonely people and compiled the numbers, you would have to make sure you were sitting down when you read them. The figures would be that staggering. Years ago, I read something about how even some celebrities have trouble meeting people! I don’t know how some people pull it off while others can’t. I don’t know how some broke/unemployed guys with criminal records a mile long can somehow attain women WAY out of their leagues, yet attractive, nice guys with good jobs can’t seem to even get a look. I don’t get it. At any rate, as hard as dating is now, hang on to your hats, because it’s about to get tougher. Social media is doing a lot of damage in that it is causing people to honestly forget how to be social. There are married people out there who are actually dating now. Call it an open marriage, or whatever, but it is happening. It sort of makes me glad that I just gave up. I feel sorry for the next wave of up and coming single people. Good luck to them all. They will need it.
One of the things I have learned in my time on Match and POF and OKC is that, when all is said and done, the same “mechanics” are at work online that apply in the “real world”. Some of them are amplified because of the relative anonymity of the ‘net. But it is still the same thing.
In the basic male-female dynamic (and this was illustrated in a great SNL skit with Tom Brady quite a few years ago), “sexual harassment” for women is “being hit on by a guy they do not find attractive”. The problem is: That is most of the men. Vice versa it is actually quite similar but men handle it differently. But, relationship studies support this, we do not ‘fall in love’ or even ‘fall in like’ with most people that we meet. Consequently, most dates are doomed to fail. And so long as both sides accept that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince (and actually take a pro-active approach and “do” kiss a lot of frogs; male or female) that is OK. The problem is (for men) that most women don’t. I postulate that, in aggregate, men are generally more willing to give women you are not initially perfect matches “a chance” (i.e. a “first date”) than vice versa.
Yes, women are inundated with replies, both savory and not; that’s the sad truth. I also did an experiment on CL a few years back and place a M4W ad. Within 30 minutes I had 67 replies and but the end of the hour about 180 or so. Some with pictures that boggle the mind. I read the first five; scanned the next five and pitched the rest. That is what men are up against even if they are decent and writing a decent reply.
However, the second issue is that the available technology on the ‘net tempts people (men and women alike) to build unreasonable expectations into searchable profiles: I want yay tall or yay short, this ethnicity or that, this type of hair, that type of income, chest size, education, political leanings, food preferences, job, children (or not), pets, dreams, hopes, high heels and a loving kinkiness in bed… That person, in real life, pretty much does not exist. On the flip side, the wealth of information out there is then also not used or, rather, disregarded for more shallow or, at least, short-sighted gauges of “character”.
On OKC you can answer way over a thousand questions on all kinds of issues from personality to sex to politics to what-have-you. You can also weight how important an issue is or what alternatives you are willing to accept (“seeking non-smoker but trying to stop is OK”). That is extrapolated in to a “match score” between you an any profile you look at. I am 42 (43 in the summer) and “looking” in the range 25 to 38. Somehow, though, most women who find my interest end up between 28 and 32 (at least that’s how it turned out recently). Some (those that I write to) have a matching score of between 95 and 99 percent across all issues and, sometimes, on issues they and I marked as “care about” even 100. You would think that with such matches, you would want to at least have a cup of coffee to see how you get along in person. Not so, if the age difference is ten years or more. The prejudicial assumption is that, no matter how good the match, that is “just creepy”.
Also, let us not kid ourselves, 90 percent of the decision on either side is, on the web, initially made because of the photo. Real life works differently, most dates are not “blind”: You see the other person operate, be charming and funny and the “attractiveness” is influenced by that. So long as the physical appearance rates a “neutral” you “like” the person (or not) before the question of a date comes up but you are willing to give wider berth to what is “required” by you. On Match, you can filter that you do not want responses from someone older than, say “3x” years of age. And you will miss the guy who you would go out with if he asked you out at work because, while he is already “3X+2”, you don’t know that and, hey, you “like” him. And you don’t really care about his age. Is it really important if she is 5’5″ and not 5’6″?
Between the ages of 36 and 39 I had a girlfriend for almost three years who I had been casually introduced to by an acquaintance; not as a “date” but over a situation that she needed help with and I could help her. She was she was 24 year old at the start. Pretty much exactly 12 years younger. We broke up when she moved 800 miles away for a job and we are still friends and talk two or three times a year. In a conversation within those years she admitted that, had she not made my acquaintance at a non-romantic level and come to “know me” she would not have given me the time of day had I made a pass at her. I was “too old” and “not her type”. Her “type” up to then had been 28yo pretty boys.
Like in job interviews, the profile (the resume) is really used to find out you do “not” want to hire. And that is, really, most of the applicants. It’s just that in this “game” women mostly do not initiate contact in quite the same fashion and with quite the same frequency as men do and, as we all know and loathe, “common courtesy” is really not all of that common anywhere. And so the numbers are as they are and women are deluged to the point of exhaustion.
Finally, let us not forget that the sites make money through “searching” and not through “finding”. That’s how you find profiles from people who have not signed on in eight months and likely never will again. But it gives you the illusion of a greater field of candidates. In a way you have to look at it as a marketing campaign: A response rate of four percent is good. Not all of those who respond will buy. You have to enjoy selling or you are doomed. :)
This is yearssssss later, but maybe if Beardsley had actually stretched his range of ages acceptable to include women who are more than two years younger than him, he may have found some great women. It astonishes me the number of men who will not consider a woman who is their same exact age, or gasp, a couple years older. Apparently men must still be at minimum one or two years older than women they date, just like in high school. Their loss.
So Match is; a bunch of fat, ugly chicks, 3 times that many guys looking for a date that doesn’t look like a farm animal, and one hot chick that never goes on dates. Sounds like if you are a normal guy, with a normal amount of free time for Match, you are not getting $h1t. Can’t win, don’t try, got it. Way too many guys and no quality women, so much so, that a decent looking girl can’t even be on the site in a normal way. Sounds just like every other dating option. Is that the case or has the site been worth bothering with for anyone?
Uh…what? lol I’ve been on Match before and quit within a month because there weren’t any decent or halfway attractive guys to be had! NOT ONE. All of them were either missing teeth, overweight, or just looked plain dirty. A lot of them also lacked basic typing (or writing) skills, so that was a complete turn off. I wouldn’t say I’m a “hot” girl…I’m just an average, girl next door type (and no, not overweight) So yeah…it goes both ways…there seems to be hardly options for anyone looking for a normal, decent person!
Both of you are making stuff up. There are plenty of attractive women and men on match, the problem is the women don’t respond. I don’t know if the hot guys respond or not, maybe we could get a female opinion on this.
The bottom line is this. Cases like Olivia prove one thing: even if she was attracted to someone who messaged her she would most likely not respond. This is due to sheet volume and nothing else. So a high quality male would be wasting his time with her and so many others, in the aggregate probably 95 percent of the time.
But he reason I don’t cry for Olivia is, she can easily do her own search and email the supermodel Wall Street execs and they will reply to her, if they are attracted, because they do not get a deluge of emails.
I have tried the experiment BOTH ways and can validate this argument. A fake hot girl profile gets an absurd number of emails 20 or more a day. A fake hot guy profile gets a few a day at most, highly manageable.
As such, the situation online is untenable. Good quality women don’t have the time to filter through the creeps, good quality men don’t have the time for hand crafted emails with a 5 percent response rate.
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I understand Olivia is overwhelmed with disheartening emails but thought the comment that a 12 year age difference was “creepy” was grotesque and actually offensive to many women a.k.a. Cougars involved in fulfilling relationships with much younger men and those men engaged in fulfilling relationships with much younger women. My parents were 10 years apart in age and had a lifelong, fulfilling, and happy marriage. Olivia’s George Clooney may be out there and may be 10 or 20 years older. While it ain’t me babe, she may be cutting off her nose to spite her face.
Nope. That happens to be her preference. You disagree with it good for you. It isn’t your dating life now is it. It ain’t you babe you got that right.
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Great blog post. And having a less-than-desirable experience on Match – I do feel for Olivia! Being a divorced mother of two I don’t frequent bars, refuse to give out my phone number to a stranger, and was tired of being set up by all of my friends. I’m a locally competitive triathlete and train year round for my sport, work a full time job and stay active with my 2 children. Finding a fellow triathlete who can mesh into this lifestyle is difficult, but I know they exist. I thought Match would be a slam dunk way to meet a quality guy with the same interests. WRONG! I went on very few dates, had to block multiple stalkers, became extremely overwhelmed with the email volume, and closed my account within a month. I did not know about these “filters” or I would have used them. Match.com is not for me – but I have found a way around it. I write profiles and choose photos for my friends who like online dating. While looking through the Match men, they let me know if they come across someone that I would be interested in and email them on my behalf. Is that wrong? Maybe – but it sure beats 50 emails a day!
I don’t know, I am very above average in attractiveness as a guy, I did male modeling before going back to college. I’m in school for a Chemistry degree. Despite being very good looking, and smart, I rarely get replies.
Inspired by this interesting blog, I looked up the subject a tiny bit in wikopedia. It says: “eHarmony’s membership is about 58% female and 42% male, whereas the ratio at Match.com is about the reverse of that. ” Any idea why that is?
Also, I got the impression that the disparity in interest between men and women might be greater at younger ages. Unfortunately women often lose their attractiveness to the opposite sex sooner than males. Something to do with evolutiony reproductive “strategies”, i’m sure.
Anyway, thanks everybody (even the ranters and ravers).
Bullocks. I assure you that the ratio of ACTIVE men to ACTIVE women is at least 2:1 on ANY dating site. On POF I think it is around 4:1.
I just quit both Match and POF after only 10 weeks. Wasn’t getting any decent replies either. Sad part is I thought it was gonna be fun. I was really excited about joining. While I’m no Waylon Jennings, at 54, I’m looking gooooooood- tall, thin, good hair and good teeth. Also got good job as Software Engineer and a nice house, a nice daughter and a little money in the bank. I’m also NO cheater or philanderer. The eyes don’t lie. I’m not hiding anything.
Like I said, most of my emails were ignored and any responses were mostly crappy and fragmented. The worst was the last. Here’s a lady that’s 53 and been on site for a while, lives about 3-5 miles from me, lots in common, etc, etc. LOL Turns-out I’m not even worth talking to. Not even curious! LOL.
What I was successful at is attracting lonely old women looking to hook-up. For the first few months, I was getting them every day, then they finally stopped cold for some reason. Glad I didn’t give-in to that. Was close, but fear of getting the clap is enough to keep me away.
The only fun thing was when this one turkey came back weeks later after rejecting me. She probably bombed-out everywhere else and came back to me looking for sure thing. But I had a surprise waiting for her. LOL. She got big taste of her own medicine. LOL
Computer dating created more problems for me than it solved. Never going back.
I really like Olivia and I am a girl. Never settle and never accept double standards from morons. You deserve the best girl and I hope you find what you’re looking for. For the women who are jealous they bought into societies lies and cannot be their own person. Jealousy is pathetic. I may not be as hot as Olivia but I hung out with at least one hot girl like her. All the men liked her sure but you know what they liked me too. Back then and even now I have a boyfriend who is crazy about me and I’m not worried than an Olivia will take him away. I’m one of a kind like women are supposed to be REMEMBER. I don’t compete for a man they compete for me. Yeah this reminds me why all my friends are guys and I like the company of older women because younger women are retards. Either they feel the need to get naked and sexual just because a cute guy is around or they get sh*tfaced to cover up the fact tha they need attention from a man 24/7 and claim ‘He’s just trying to f*ck you’. They still haven’t mastered the art of conversation or know that it is perfectly ok to have your clothes on and still talk to a roomful of guys without engaging in sex. Even in grade school I knew women were pathetic. I played sports with guys and they filed their stupid nails like a sterotypical d*mb b*tch. Thanks for the reminder. I didn’t miss a thing. Only women I can stand my age are confident one of a kind who grope guys if they feel like it and DON’T APOLOGIZE FOR A DAMNED THING.
Men don’t like weak pathetic or whinny women. Remember that. Go OLIVIA I sympathize. Never settle….aim high baby. Love you in sisterhood girlfriend YEAHHH!!!
Why does she “deserve the best”? For having a vagina? You don’t know her personally. That’s the problem with women today, especially online.
When women say “deserve”, the astute observer hears “entitlement”.
I wish all guys would just stop emailing these women on match. Let them be the chasers for once. We’re too damn stupid to band together though.
I dont do dating sites anymore. I figure let the women come to us guys for a change. I would rather be alone than be with someone like the woman in the article, and yeah she is going to eventually dump a regular guy for a George Clooney.
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This is FACT…girls are just as shallow, if not more, than guys are accused of being, and I can prove it. I set up 2 profiles on a dating site. In one, I put up a picture of an average looking guy with basic profile information. In the second, I put up a picture of a good-looking douchebag-type guy with basic profile information. I sent 20 emails out to the same girls from each profile. With the average guy, I sent out funny, witty, respectful emails with perfect spelling and grammar. With the hot guy profile, I sent out emails with bad grammar and spelling, and talked disrespectfully, calling the girls “hot” and “babe”. Things like that. I got 1 response back from average guy. I got 16 responses back from hot guy. Case closed.
I think it is important to remember that even with websites that allow for discrete matching by profile (such as OKC), it all comes down to visuals and the preset preferences that we all have. You know how it is said that in a job interview the interviewer decided for or against you in the first five seconds when you meet. Same here. You can put up a detailed profile, answer a couple hundred questions and match up like this:
98% on Ethics questions
90% on Sex questions
94% on Religion questions
87% on Lifestyle questions
74% on Dating questions
90% on Other questions
and it means *nothing* if she does not like your picture. Even if you fall into her search demographic. And, of course, as the previous poster noted, you can go from cool to toxic in 3 years (35 to 38).
Exactly. I laugh at the “matching criteria”. If you see a 20% match who is incredibly attractive, are you going to care where the other 80% stands? Both men and women rate pictures first and any other criteria 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc.
Her age range is up to 35, but 38 is creepy? So in just 3 years you can go form OK to creepy? If 3 makes that big of a difference I better get off my butt.
Astute observation. Remember, any guy who is not hot is “creepy” to the average girl. You think that if it was a 38 year old hot celebrity, she would have turned him down? Her self-righteousness in her e-mail is palatable. I have put girls in their place online and ironically, I get a VERY high response rate when I call girls out on their shit (things I notice in their profile which I know are BS, particularly attention whores who claim that they are “bi” just to get a rise out of guys).
One time I simply asked a girl who claimed that she was bi, how many girlfriends she has had in the past. It was a polite e-mail, I was not rude and the tone was one of curiosity (even though I was totally skeptical). You should have seen the incredibly defensive and RUDE response that I received in return. She never answered the question, but I guarantee you that the answer is ZERO. Pure attention whoring accounts for much of the female activity online.
But if I send a well-written e-mail as a young, well-educated, reasonably attractive man within 3-4 years of her age out of interest in dating? No reply.
Yet according to Olivia, you would think that I would be in demand. Notice the disparity in what girls SAY and how REALITY unfolds.
Further to my point above, I can ASSURE you that girls respond to topless pictures from guys online regardless of whatever asinine disclaimer that they have on their profile in capslock. When girls say that they don’t respond to guys with shirtless pictures, what they are REALLY saying is that they ONLY respond if you are HOT. I can vouch for this claim from personal experience.
Again, believe actions, not words.
I can look on the bright side, I’m a 27 year old guy, people say I’m a good looking average type, all teeth still there, take care of myself, and wonder why I’m still single – and I’ve genuinely messaged probably 800 women by now after reading their profiles, with general upbeat quick messages trying to find a catch. If they don’t respond, I just go on to the next one. Not one date. I’ve spent 9 months trying to meet someone this way – the last time I actually dated ‘the offline way’ was way back in 2012.
Wait, that’s not a bright side… should I be wasting my money on stuff like Match.com anymore or just keep trying until I find that one in a million?
I wouldn’t consider all the women I’ve messaged are stereotypes either. I’ve come across some profiles though where the “hot chicks” start writing things like, “PSA, if you’re looking for one night stands, get lost!” kind of stuff. Honestly, I if I was being bombarded by thousands of one-liners, it would get highly annoying.
Anyways – I look for someone on my level, someone who takes their time with their profile, what they look for, so at least I can get a glimpse at what they might be like in person for an actual conversation. Hopefully all this effort will turn a stone somewhere.
Not sure if my post was deleted or what.
I’m wondering if I should even be trying this Match.com avenue at all. I’ve tried it for about a year now and have not met one person IN person for a real conversation. No dates came out of it, nothing. The only reason I’m trying it is from lack of meeting anyone worthwhile “offline” – I haven’t dated since 2012. I always hear about people meeting online, so it just seems like an attractive goal to see if its all put up to be.
Most of the women I message I pick based on their profile IF its actually complete and I can get a sense of at least somewhat what they might be like in reality. Granted I’m a decent looking guy, at least people tell me so, but I definitely don’t message stereotypical profiles that are barely filled out with an image of some “babe girl/woman.” I always hear about people meeting online so
I can understand why it’s frustrating for a lot of women, as I do see some profiles filled out with “PSA: Stop messaging if you’re looking for one-night stands,” etc.
After sending god knows how many messages by now, probably 500-800 messages to one person at time, I’m starting to wonder if this is even worth my time.
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I have been a member on match.com for about 30 days now and it seems that no matter how well written your initial email the response rate is very low. I have put serious effort into writing emails tailored to each match I thought might have something in common with me but out of 38 emails sent I have only gotten three replies and only 75% of the emails I sent out have been read. Two of those reply emails turned into actual back and forth communication and both of those tapered off after several days, but I think one realized she had dated my brother in college (haha, small world). I would consider myself a good looking guy, blonde hair, blue eyes, 30yrs old, bachelors degree, self employed, and fit. I have gotten about 28 likes, 440 views, 6 winks, and 4 emails from other women over the past 30 days on match.com. I was not interested in most of the women that sought me out but the few that I did find interesting did not respond to my replies. I can see where most guys would get frustrated and resort to the shotgun approach sending out canned emails in hopes of a reply. I even gave the shotgun approach a try on another site because I thought I might be over doing it with my 1st contact emails. It takes a lot of time and effort to craft interesting and engaging emails tailored to each match. I will say that periodically updating your profile will bump your visibility on the site because it notifies others that you have made updates. Every-time I added a picture or updated my profile the number of views per day went up. I think there is a learning curve for guys when it comes to online dating. It is not as easy as many make it out to be that is for sure. I have decided to take a break from the site for a while and see what happens. I have found eharmony, POF, and Zoosk to be duds. Zoosk seems like it is geared towards people in their teens and early 20’s.
That guy was in the right by sending an email like that to that “hot” supermodel chick Olivia. Before I did match I thought I was a good-looking guy. What the HELL are these women looking for??? Bradley Cooper!?? I see these pretty girls with regular guys all the time. By regular I mean non celebrities.
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When I reached the part about the Blackberry, I stopped believing this. A woman or even a human being giving anyone the time of day on a dating site without knowing what they look like? Doesn’t happen.
I just saw the headline to this article but I can tell you that being a “hot” girl on match as well as having a masters degree and a high income (75k- 100k range) that I rarely get responses to e-mails I send out. Although, I do get alot of e-mails from guys (approx. 5 a day)- most of whom I’m not interested in!! If I send out 6 e-mails- 1 or 2 at the max will respond with interest. I know I’m super attractive since I get told that I look like Shakira all the time! Dating sucks!!!
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Enjoyed reading this. I’ve been on Match for a little over a month now, and thought I’ll add a penny or 2 here. I’m a woman, mid-thirties, divorced, no kids. I would say attractive, although I never actually like to use that term when referring to myself. Being photogenic helps a lot when it comes to online dating. The day when I singed in to match, I received about 48 emails, I put up a profile in the morning, and checked the messages late night, I didn’t expect that. After the first week, it slowed down a lot. At 30 days, there are over 600 messages there, usually messages are automatically deleted after 30 days.
I agree with some people that said calling someone a creep just because they are few years older than her (Olivia) age limit is unnecessary. I got responses from men on their 50-60’s, I didn’t think for a moment that they were creeps. I do realize that women -or maybe I shouldn’t generalize here- I tend NOT to respond to a guy if I’m out of his age range, or don’t fit his requirements, but men usually don’t follow that, maybe the fact that there are a lot more men than women has to do with that. Now, to the men that complain about woman not responding, there is no way we could do that, I did that when I read the first few messages that were written and personalized specifically to me (yes, we know), but I think that just give the guy a false hope when he sees a response from you, and eventually get rejected. I can never get to reply to say “I’m not interested”, a no response should mean no interest. It goes both ways. I have messaged few guys, and I haven’t gotten a reply, I wanted to but I didn’t. I don’t take it personally, I just move on. Why send a follow up message asking why you didn’t respond?! If someone is interested, he/she will respond, sooner or later. Men tend to take it personally. I’m not exaggerating here, but I had men who sent 4 emails, follow ups to the first one, men who sent me messages just to say that they only viewed me again because I changed my default picture and thought I was a different person. A man who said why do I keep viewing them when I do not respond. I accidentally clicked once on his profile.
I tend NOT to respond to a guy if I’m out of his age range, or don’t fit his requirements. I meant to say by that I do not initiate contact, not “respond”
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I am not an Olivia but do get my fair share of attention. What I have found helps is a pretty detailed profile. There are certain things that make me undatable to certain people and make them undatable to me. I clearly spell those things out in the “In My Own Words” section. It serves as an effective weeding tool to stop people from contacting me where there is clear incompatibility from my end or their end and helps to eliminate the noise.
I have done that as well, however, men ignore that and contact me anyway.
In the first 24 hours I got 73 emails from Match.com (sent to my main email) from men who liked me, faved me, winked, messaged me, and sent interests(not including daily matches). However, on the match site I got 10 emails and 304 views. I know that’s a lot of daily views– it’s nice to see that so many people are attracted to my photo, but the low direct emails make wonder if I have a terrible personality. Lol.
My daily break down was 51 likes, 10 emails, 21 winks, and 2 faves. I’m not lagging too far behind hot Olivia in interactions, but the dispersions are way different. I get good interest on the visuals, but few emails. Any tips on making my profile information more desirable?
what did you write about yourself? I see many women that only put a pharragraph so there is not much for a guy to work on for writing an email, besides of what you see on the photos. In any case it sounds like you got a lot of attention.
Considering that the top tab counts 15 new items, I think this might not be an honest daily representation. Especially considering the statistically peculiar discrepancy of views to likes (3811 views but only 1 like). I think some aspects of her information have not been reset for quite sometime.
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All the best
Ha! Coincidentally, my friend (who I met on Match.com) & I went thru a similar learning curve both from the female & male perspectives. We use each other as a sounding board for this crazy thingy called relationships / dating / whatever. I’ve definitely walked in the guys shoes & feel their pain. She has experienced the “hot girl” dilemma & is perhaps an Olivia in some regard – 35,000 views in a few months, banging pics, over load of emails, winks, likes, creeps, angry dudes etc. – yet she had written me first, we both weren’t interested in the other romantically, we have met personally & call, text & email to this day. Then again she is not an Olivia due to the aforementioned, her spirit & each of us possessing our own uniqueness. Anywho, what we decided as a research experiment was to write profiles for each other based on our Match.com experiences & how we saw the other. I posted my version of her profile as my entry to see if other women resonated. The profile follows …
(My friend & I wrote optional profiles for each other. Neither of us preferred the one we wrote for the other. While she conceded the following took effort & her other friend thought it her to a tee, she remarked that she couldn’t blatantly ask for such specific “wants,” criteria or describe herself in this manner. Duh! That was one purpose of our challenge. My take is that we’re on a dating / meeting site. Ask & ye shall receive; many don’t pay heed anyway as you know. Plus, in marketing, a focused narrowed strategy is often most productive in obtaining the desired result in your specific target market & core demographics. So … since I rather like this I’m gonna go ahead & be silly posting it as an experiment & farce for my own. Now she is much more of a savvy Match veteran than I & as a woman her walk greatly differs from mine. Perhaps you other vets & maybe even newbies can resonate with some of the following).
A Most Delicate Flower
As a caution flag waves … um, I can also be a feisty lil’ ol’ Venus Fly Trap. Former New York City girl. Can you ever really take The City out of a New Yorker? A mixed bag of Bronx sassiness / toughness & Manhattan suave cool minus the stereotypical ‘Sex and the City’ snobbery swag. Being taught properly in NYC Catholic schools while possessing a staunch upbringing, my grammar & vocabulary can oft times be articulately sublime … excepting of course the frequent swearing outbursts & off the cuff yelling. Not all bark & no bite – more so a lot of bark & some bite. Okay, so I’m a tad askew & semi-difficult to figure out which in turn culminates in a combustible concoction; strike that & use … a rather intoxicating & alluring panache of subtlety & depth. Hell, isn’t unraveling the mystery a half ton of fun? Oh & just come to peace with my serial killer reading. Yes. Really.
Please don’t harp on how big bright beautiful & sunny my smile is or go on about my pics being so modelesque & au naturale. Blech! That’s us women gagging & being nauseated by the mundane same-old-same-old tactics. It’s not Happy Hour. Though those compliments are duly noted and yeah, kind of sweet, that shouldn’t be the focus and reveals you’re not getting it. Da Bronx chick in me will rough you up, curse you and stab a pen in my own eye or in your brain – euphemistically, no that’s not quite right … metaphorically, no incorrect too … so we’ll go with figuratively speaking. Additionally, bypass mentioning how much you infer we have in common & how well you imagine we cosmically instantly connect after a cursory read of my profile or just glancing at said pics. Here’s an idea / hint … woo me with your wit, humor, elocution, erudition & wordsmithing. In other words … freakin’ crack me the F’ up. Cool. Really.
Though these aren’t on-demand must haves, it could further intrigue a smidgen if you’re a 6’0″+ tall drink of water with that intangible of presence – well at least in my mind’s eye – not a kid (i.e. say < 32 or immature at any age), you enjoy tipping a few beverages, can shoot some mean Cricket, read, write & communicate aptly, may listen to 'Enigma,' get Sheldon & Leonard, plus aren't my mother or C. Everett Coop about smoking. I'll share that I have a soft spot for white chocolate, aiding those in need (humans sometimes included) & admit an accent or the ability to speak another language can be pretty hot. See? I am a delicate flower. Really!
Yeah, yeah, I already know I'm adorable. No, no, not in that overt way you're thinking. If we hit it off in any capacity you'll quickly discern that too thru your inductive reasoning. Or is it your deductive reasoning? I'm comfortable in my own skin even when it's wearing thinner on me after 72 straight hours being awake. You should know I'm part zombie, part insomniac, zero part somnambulist & at my very core 9 parts sweetheart, don’t have a problem hoofing it around (even in 6' heels though I prefer my boots), can do charming well, I'm always a wisenheimer even as an Irish lass, I'm good with my age & sort of digging it & yup, before you inquire & bug the holy bejesus out of me … I & the pics are real. Really? Really!
You can & must do far better than a 'Like,' a 'Wink' & numerous insipid or bothersome emails. Stand up, stand out, put your Big Boy pants on. You dudes have to realize us dudettes can get absolutely bombarded with overly voluminous contacts almost requiring the need to hire on a part-time assistant, causing us to take oaths against Match.com & make diatribes against the creepy, bitter & quite frankly so far out of the ballpark emails. That said, your outstanding & compelling note may get lost, buried or fall thru the cracks in the deluge. Be a bit patient. Be nice. The competition might be lame or very great. It also could be the “It’s not you, it’s me” routine. So buck up soldier! After passing muster (not mustard; that fun comes later) we can pick up the grins & giggles from there. It’s well worth the price of admission. Okay? Really.
If I have not panicked him away, I'm scouting & hoping for a compatible match that can partner with me, put up with me, let me get away with wee little things here & there just because I'm a delicate flower, challenge me, grow with me, is substantial & resolute in his own right & loves me for who I am. Really!
Remember, just because it’s not nice doesn’t mean it’s not true.
I am a 40 yr old woman, very attractive (so I’ve been told, also an 8-9/10, I have been told that I resemble a cross between Cindy Crawford/Julia Roberts, slender/athletic build, college educated (paid for my schooling), successful, and owns her home and car. I take great care of myself-exercise, eat healthy, and I look like I am in my latter 20’s/early 30’s. I have had about 2216 viewers, 149 men who have favorited my profile, plenty of likes and winks. I typically block the ones that are absolutely out, but there is a max limit of 125 for blocking and I have surpassed that. I have sadly come to the conclusion that a lot of men on the Match just don’t read profiles-or they just don’t know how to read at all. I get a lot of heavy set, balding men, no college education, horrible grammar, and is not in the same salary range I earn, in other words, looking not only for a trophy girlfriend, but a sugar mama on top of that. Or, I get grandpa’s that are 20-30 years older than me! I just find it laughable that they feel they have something remotely in common w/ me. They certainly look like they are rung out and ridden hard. I also get young men that are 15-20 years younger than me. Are you kidding me?!?!?
I know where you are coming from Dani. I am also early 40’s, attractive, college educated and its either man man 57 emailing me with his kids all grown and having grandchildren or its a guy with tattoos all over, a high school education, and drives a beer truck and I ask WTF are they doing emailing me? Is this for real? What in Gods name gave them the idea I am a possible match? Was my profile even read? It is mind boggling to me.
Wait… you were in your 40s. What do you think you have to offer a stable, working gentleman in your age range? He’s going to be looking for someone in their late-20s. Get real.
OMG, this has happened to me and even worse. I am told I am gorgeous and my primary photo is the best photo ever taken of me. My first day on match, I received 135 emails and get bombarded constantly. I choose one or two and many of the rest keep emailing me over and over and over until I have to block them because I get so annoyed. I have winked at maybe 3 guys and favorited 1 guy and ALL OF THEM HAVE BLOCKED ME SINCE! unbelievable considering most have favorited me and viewed my profile several times. Talk about Harsh. I am still hoping to meet a great guy here though. I get rude replies too when I haven’t responded. It is so stressful to get all those emails though! Because if I miss a great guy cause i cannot get to their email, they may not respond if I don’t respond for few days (thinking I am dating many guys) when it is because I have too many to read. This has been really awful. Sometimes I wish I was mediocre. Nobody takes me seriously anyway. Ugh… advice anyone???
Ignore the ones you don’t like. If they email you a second time, continue to ignore. If they send something nasty, delete and block.
I have found luck with writing a very detailed profile that admittedly turns a lot of men off. I don’t want to appeal to everyone. I want to appeal to the right person. Therefore, I have no problem spelling out exactly what I’m looking for. It has kept my amount of messages to a reasonable amount (for awhile I was getting 10-20 messages a day but lately it’s been 20-30 even with an admitting somewhat mean profile ). I say what I’m looking for in terms of education (I’m educated and expect the same), religion (I don’t want someone religious), income (I make a good income and expect someone to at least be close to me), politics (I don’t want anyone conservative), personality wise (very Type A because I’m a lot to handle), etc. I spell everything out. I let the men self select out. If I don’t do this, the amount of messages I get is mindboggling. I’d rather weed out upfront and get less messages from higher quality people than more from people that don’t have a chance with me. The more specific your profile is, the better matches you’ll get that contact you. The only thing a general profile did was give me a headache.
Duh. You do the matching. To clarify, you search for guys and hit up the ones you like, ignore everyone else. Really not that difficult. And enjoy it while it lasts because as you know it doesnt.
Match.com puts chemistry on its head. It goes against the natural way of meeting someone. Nothing beats approaching a woman in public, testing bodily for interest, getting her number if she is receptive and moving on if she isn’t. When you go online, everything is based on generic things and many men don’t even bother to read a woman’s profile especially if she is “hot.” So unless a woman is seeking validation, she is surely going to feel some frustration with the online dating process.
I joined Match.com a week or so ago and have had some return emails etc. I have not decided yet what I think of Match.com but will let you know when I do. I think a lot of the problem with dating in general is that men need to be more picky themselves about who they will date, much like woman do. Unfortunately and from an evolutionary standpoint men are more concerned about how many times they get laid/brag rights etc., even if they don’t admit it or are not truly aware of their own self. If we took more time and raised our own standards and actually looked for woman who were right for us there would be a glut of men out there and woman would actually have to start making an effort i.e. chasing us a little. Initially as men we would be lonely for a while (lag for woman to get lonely and come around) but it would make it better for everyone. Woman would meet thoughtful guys and men would find woman who actually wanted to put some effort into a relationship instead of sailing on the cruiseship “Entitlement” taught them by their momas and the subsequent disenchantment they feel when the man doesn’t inflate their lifeboat on command anymore.
I love what you wrote David. After one year and too many emails sent to me to even count, I leave match a single woman. I think one reason I got so many emails was just looks and looks only, because once I viewed their profiles they had complete opposite things I wanted. Had they truly looked for things in common, I would have very few emails. I was never really flattered by the hundreds of emails I received weekly. If anything I was stressed at reading them and then finding out there wasn’t anything relatable with them. Attractiveness only goes so far and now Im dateless for probably a really long time. I hope other men read your words and quit acting so meaningless! I truly think my kind heart is the greatest thing about me and my looks can be ice cream on the cake! Amen😄
I’m with Olivia on this, she has zero responsibility to respond to anyone. If she wants to cherry-pick to ‘whom’ she responds thec more power to her. If she responds to 1 out of every 5000 email requests then that’s her perogative. That’s one of the benefits of being a non-needy, hot chick. It’s life. The best advice I would have is stop emailing super-hot chicks if you can’t handle their rejection.
As a side-note, I’m waiting for my divorce to become official, so I have a match.com account for ‘research purposes’. Boy am I glad I started reading this blog before I actually contacted any women (forgetting for a minute the hundreds of ‘favorites’). I’m now much-more prepared for the inevitable rejection to come. Planning on purchasing the book tonight.
Prepare for PLENTY of rejection, my friend. I’m happily married, but frankly dating SUCKED for me. If I ever divorce, I’m gonna stay single till I die (either by natural causes or by blowing my brains out… both of which are FAR BETTER than going back into the dating cesspool).
Match.com is a completely unnatural way to meet the opposite sex. Men on the site appear to be full of themselves, and if you show any interest AT ALL in getting to know them or talk to them, they assume you are ready to sleep with them immediately and have a long term relationship. Poof! I am a pretty decent looking woman and if I even communicate once with a man, if you do not email again within 2 days, they will send you a message, “not sure what I did, I guess you are not interested”. How about I have a life and I am not thinking about them constantly? If you go on a date, I have had it happen on many occasions I am asked to spend the nite on the first of second date or within 2 weeks of getting to know someone. I mean, its basically a screening site for men to screen if they can get laid? They are overly and i mean overly aggressive. They bring the topic of sex up within about 3 hours of talking, guaranteed! Natural relationships do not go like this, you meet someone and all you know is your good with seeing them again and thats enough… not on match! You better know if you want to be intimate within about 5 hours of spending time together! And if you are not sure? well then, they will not waste their time cause in case they dont get what they want, forget it! They need to take a damn chill pill and realize we dont really give a shit about sex when we just meet you!!!!
“you seem to think beautiful people have no trouble finding quality dates, and are baffled that someone like me could be single, or that I just need an ego boost to my already bursting vanity”
I didn’t see where he called her beautiful or expressed surprise that she’s single. Seems like she just assumed that. In any case, she does come off as quite enamoured with herself.
Yes. Yes she does.
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“e been on here for a month, and despite the nearly 1,500 emails I’ve received, I’ve only gone on three dates… but not because I’m some superficial, picky “supermodel” who wants perfection… I do not have the time. If I go on a date with someone, I probably won’t be available for a second date for a month, a third date for a month after that. ”
Whatever, if you’re a hot female and need to go online to meet someone then guess what? You’re physically attractive but you’re personality sucks hence you’re still looking.
She signed up for match.com but can’t make time to date? “Olivia” sounds like a total bitch. Well it’s been about what, 5 years now? I bet she whored around a bit and is STILL single at age 30 now (5 years later), because people can see that she is garbage on the inside.
I’ve done the match thing doens of times in the last decade, with mixed results. I’m an average looking guy, was 38-50 in the time I used it, and have a Phd in a technical area. Income commensurate, but by no means high. I don’t travel or socialize much, so don’t have many of the traditional “look at me being happy and successful!” photos that others have.
The conclusion I reached was that success on match is mostly screening out the narcissists, mentally ill, and career daters out of the pool, and then facing the more traditional odds with the remaining group. The error that many make is to infer something about their own desirability from a response or view rate. They forget that online dating is a magnet for these undesirable subgroups. You are literally STARTING with a group of people substantially different than the general population. When we feel rejected, we have this internal image of a room full of attractive, successful people mocking us. The reality is more likely to be a room full of people staring into mirrors or drooling on themselves. Don’t take it personally.
In terms of actual dating, I think every successful date I’ve had (i.e. led to new friend or relationship) has been with someone who joined Match within a month of conversing with me. And even within this group, you will find the best conversations and interaction. This happens because new users do not yet know their perceived value to others, and whether you over- or under- estimate that unknown is dependent on a lot of psychological factors, including self esteem.
One of the most difficult factors working against you is that you are in constant competition from the first view onward. All during convo, any dates, etc., the other person is comparing you to other options. Unless you are a superstar in all relevant dimensions, you will not be winning this by direct competition. Instead, I would suggest using a reverse approach, letting UNKNOWNS work on your behalf. By this, I mean purposefully not mentioning your best few traits, and letting them become known to the person over time. Whar you want to hear are things like “Oh wow, I didn’t know you could sing this old song!”, or “why didn’t you tell me you were so good at tennis?”. It really doesn’t matter what it is. The key is that once a person continues to be surprised by these unknowns, they begin to EXPECT there are more positive unknowns about you.
The above sounds entirely irrational, because it requires you to NOT make the best first impression possible, but rather just making a good enough one. If you do this, and also limit your contact to newer Match users, your experience should be much better.