Not those kinda headlines. Thankfully...

Not all dating sites require their members to write headlines, but they should.  They’re the first thing you see when looking at a person’s profile, and a good headline can sum things up quickly. “Busy Stockbroker Looking for My Girl Friday”, “Cute Girl Seeks Partner In Crime”, “Necrophiliac Searching For Dead Bodies, Gender Unimportant”… you know, that sort of thing. It’s not just about information, however. A great headline can be revelatory, so indicative of a person’s voice and sense of humor that you find yourself falling in love in an instant. But the bad ones are so much more fun.

I still remember the headlines I loved… “I actually like the taste of Roofies!”, “I just came here looking for matchbooks”, “If Jenni from Jersey Shore changed her name to Wow, we’d have to call her WowWoww”, and they all led to great dates. Not great relationships, of course, because who has those, but it was a start. In fact, I think I can definitively say I’ve never had a bad date with someone with a good headline. But I remember the stinkers just as fondly. And after I certain point, I started writing them down.

Here are some of my favorites. And yes, these are all real…

Hi! or Hiya! or Hi There! or Hello There ;) ! – Easily the most common headline, which makes you wonder how many people there are wandering around who don’t know what the word “headline” means. What if you picked up the New York Times tomorrow, and on the front page it said in big letters…“Hi!”? Would you read greedily ahead, trying to learn more about this captivating “Hi” story, or would you throw the paper in the garbage?

Also, adding a ;) only makes it worse.

“We need to be willing to let our intuition guide us, & then be willing to follow that guidance directly and fearlessly. ” Shakti Gawain – Another popular headline approach is the inspirational quote. Which makes sense, because when I think of the girl of my dreams, the first wondrous ability I assign her is a facility with pithy affirmational sayings. Oooooh baby, do you have a Deepak Chopra quote of the day calendar?! Now I’m really getting hot!

Punctual.

I heart punctuality – Is it possible for a headline to make you sound too fun?

A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other. -Dave Matthews Band – Here’s a handy rule in life: don’t ever quote Dave Matthews. Ever.

Je suis venu te dire que je m’en vais. – Really? The whole headline in French? You’re not worried about that being pretentious at all? The only way you’d be cool with a French headline is if you’re doing so many other things that so dwarf it in pretension that “French headline” doesn’t even make the list. Either that, or you’re actually French. In both cases, I’m outta here.

u need a spouse – Blunt, but dignified. I actually kinda like this one.

I’m busier than a one-legged Riverdancer – I’d think that a one-legged Riverdancer actually wouldn’t be busy at all. I mean, obviously their dancing days are over, so they’d really just be sitting around collecting disability, right? Because a one-legged dancer, River or otherwise, would just be a terrible thing to watch. I mean, they’d fall down almost immediately. And then trampling becomes an issue. Which would probably seem funny at first, just the sight of it, but then when it was clear that the one-legged person was getting injured, and maybe would die, you’d feel bad. Both for them and for laughing. Anyway, point is, one-legged Riverdancers probably aren’t that busy.

Microbiologist seeks Megachemistry – It turns out it is possible for a headline to make you sound too fun.

Let's fuck

Snuggles, Bike Rides & Picnics – That’s great, are we dating in an Archie comic, or in real life?

“I’m Kind of a Big Deal”… Bonus Points If You Can Name That Movie!!! – Your bonus point account balance must be pretty low, because everyone can name that movie. Also, unless bonus points are redeemable at the first date bar I always go to, I’m not interested.

Ava Taback Good – No idea what that means. And I Googled. With and without quotation marks.

and my super all-time favorite headline…

I’m sweet and sour. Sort of like really good Asian chicken… – When I think of love, romance, a passion so deep you can feel it in your bones, I think of this….

Maybe it’s just me, but when trying to attract members of the opposite sex, I might not compare myself to Chinese takeout. Sushi is very sensual, that would be a good choice. Or maybe some spicy Mexican tacos. But deep-fried chicken balls covered in a red sugary sauce? Not what I’m looking for in a woman.