The Worst Profile Headlines Ever

Not those kinda headlines. Thankfully...

Not all dating sites require their members to write headlines, but they should.  They’re the first thing you see when looking at a person’s profile, and a good headline can sum things up quickly. “Busy Stockbroker Looking for My Girl Friday”, “Cute Girl Seeks Partner In Crime”, “Necrophiliac Searching For Dead Bodies, Gender Unimportant”… you know, that sort of thing. It’s not just about information, however. A great headline can be revelatory, so indicative of a person’s voice and sense of humor that you find yourself falling in love in an instant. But the bad ones are so much more fun.

I still remember the headlines I loved… “I actually like the taste of Roofies!”, “I just came here looking for matchbooks”, “If Jenni from Jersey Shore changed her name to Wow, we’d have to call her WowWoww”, and they all led to great dates. Not great relationships, of course, because who has those, but it was a start. In fact, I think I can definitively say I’ve never had a bad date with someone with a good headline. But I remember the stinkers just as fondly. And after I certain point, I started writing them down.

Here are some of my favorites. And yes, these are all real…

Hi! or Hiya! or Hi There! or Hello There ;) ! – Easily the most common headline, which makes you wonder how many people there are wandering around who don’t know what the word “headline” means. What if you picked up the New York Times tomorrow, and on the front page it said in big letters…“Hi!”? Would you read greedily ahead, trying to learn more about this captivating “Hi” story, or would you throw the paper in the garbage?

Also, adding a ;) only makes it worse.

“We need to be willing to let our intuition guide us, & then be willing to follow that guidance directly and fearlessly. ” Shakti Gawain – Another popular headline approach is the inspirational quote. Which makes sense, because when I think of the girl of my dreams, the first wondrous ability I assign her is a facility with pithy affirmational sayings. Oooooh baby, do you have a Deepak Chopra quote of the day calendar?! Now I’m really getting hot!


I heart punctuality – Is it possible for a headline to make you sound too fun?

A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other. -Dave Matthews Band – Here’s a handy rule in life: don’t ever quote Dave Matthews. Ever.

Je suis venu te dire que je m’en vais. – Really? The whole headline in French? You’re not worried about that being pretentious at all? The only way you’d be cool with a French headline is if you’re doing so many other things that so dwarf it in pretension that “French headline” doesn’t even make the list. Either that, or you’re actually French. In both cases, I’m outta here.

u need a spouse – Blunt, but dignified. I actually kinda like this one.

I’m busier than a one-legged Riverdancer – I’d think that a one-legged Riverdancer actually wouldn’t be busy at all. I mean, obviously their dancing days are over, so they’d really just be sitting around collecting disability, right? Because a one-legged dancer, River or otherwise, would just be a terrible thing to watch. I mean, they’d fall down almost immediately. And then trampling becomes an issue. Which would probably seem funny at first, just the sight of it, but then when it was clear that the one-legged person was getting injured, and maybe would die, you’d feel bad. Both for them and for laughing. Anyway, point is, one-legged Riverdancers probably aren’t that busy.

Microbiologist seeks Megachemistry – It turns out it is possible for a headline to make you sound too fun.

Let's fuck

Snuggles, Bike Rides & Picnics – That’s great, are we dating in an Archie comic, or in real life?

“I’m Kind of a Big Deal”… Bonus Points If You Can Name That Movie!!! – Your bonus point account balance must be pretty low, because everyone can name that movie. Also, unless bonus points are redeemable at the first date bar I always go to, I’m not interested.

Ava Taback Good – No idea what that means. And I Googled. With and without quotation marks.

and my super all-time favorite headline…

I’m sweet and sour. Sort of like really good Asian chicken… – When I think of love, romance, a passion so deep you can feel it in your bones, I think of this….

Maybe it’s just me, but when trying to attract members of the opposite sex, I might not compare myself to Chinese takeout. Sushi is very sensual, that would be a good choice. Or maybe some spicy Mexican tacos. But deep-fried chicken balls covered in a red sugary sauce? Not what I’m looking for in a woman.

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13 Responses to The Worst Profile Headlines Ever

  1. J says:

    The typed word “hiya” makes me think of AOL and screeching modems. I have no idea why. Maybe because no one’s actually used that word since 1998.

  2. witmurph says:

    Sometimes I feel too quirky, so I want to make my profile seem more normal. . . Hmmm. . .
    This is actually great (and hilarious) advice.

    Thanks, yet again. . .


    • B says:

      When in doubt, always go quirky. No one has ever clicked on a profile thinking, “wow, i’m so turned on by how normal she is.” But quirky and crazy have a thin line between them, of course…

  3. John says:

    How could you leave off, “Must Love Dogs.” Using a Diane Lane movie title as your headline is just plain wrong. Under the Tuscan Sun, Hardball, Unfaithful, that one with Colin Hanks. All bad ideas.

    • B says:

      Ha ha. I didn’t even think of Must Love Dogs as a Diane Lane movie. I feel like it’s reached its own status as just an exceptionally annoying thing that people say while online dating. And truth be told, I don’t love dogs, but I can pretend. And they’ll never know! Eat it, Diane Lane.

  4. Catherine says:

    “Just an Edward Looking for His Bella”

    And then the first line of the profile reads something like “Lol, Just trying to get the ladies’ attention”.

    And for those who don’t know, that’s a reference to the Twilight series of books which makes me wonder if he’s trying to get the attention of 13 year old girls or if he really thinks that grown women (even if they read the books) would find that remotely attractive. And then fessing up to your “scheme”? ::Shudder::

    Also, I really believe that somewhere between 20 and 25 percent of the male demographic I’m looking at (college educated, city dwelling 26-35 year olds) use the headline area for a Will Ferrell quote, and as much as I appreciate his work, that just bothers me for some reason I can’t quite put my finger on. Bizarrely, I insta-clicked on a guy whose headline was “When the world slips you a Jeffery, stroke the furry wall” from Get Him to the Greek so who knows what my problem is?

    • B says:

      Ha, good point, Catherine. I’m all about getting ladies’ attention, but it has never once occurred to me make a Twilight reference. And I’m proud of that fact.

      Good point about Will Ferrell quotes, BUT I think women are just as guilty. I see Anchorman references all the time, and only look at guys’ profiles, you know, occasionally. I wonder whose quotes Will Ferrell puts on his Internet dating profile? Maybe things that unfamous people say?

  5. That_guy says:

    I’d totally click on the microbiologist one, were I not married with a child.
    (married to a mechanical engineer, btw)

    …which brings up a great thing you should write up: ever come across a profile (or actually go on a date) with someone who’s in a relationship/married?

  6. katie que says:

    People often confuse quoting movies with having a good sense of humor.

  7. E says:

    I was wondering what you think of this headline: I’m nobody’s poet, but I ain’t half bad.

    I know this article is for the worst headlines but wanted to see if you think this headline is a good one?


    • B says:

      Sure, it’s fine. A little obscure, but it’ll work. All you really want out of a headline is that it’s not aggressively awful.

  8. Waterman says:

    Ok, I’m going to share the one I’m using now…ready? “It puts the lotion in the basket” (Silence of the Lambs) for sure this will allow me to cut the slow ones from the herd! (actually it’s working, I’m getting some mail traffic, who would’ve thought!)

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