I think that, honestly, the woman of my dreams probably doesn’t email people back right away. Certainly not the people she encounters online dating. First of all, she’s busy. She has a demanding career in the field of writing for SNL/teaching literature/impersonating Jessica Biel/being the first female manager of the Boston Red Sox. On top of that, she has her hobbies. And frankly, the girl of my dreams just doesn’t feel right if she can’t spend at least an hour a day parasailing/playing guitar/cleaning up oil spills/training to be the first female manager of the Boston Red Sox. So I understand if she doesn’t respond to my first email quickly, she probably gets so many. It’ll take her a day or two to wade through the other suitors and come upon the majesty of my message. She will open it and immediately see that this is the one. She’ll recognize it for its humor, its intelligence, its obvious demonstration of an almost supernatural sexual appeal. But what if, even then, after she’s saved the rainforests and adopted all the stray puppies and called for the perfect hit and run, what if the girl of my dreams still doesn’t write me back? What do I do then?
Simple. I write her again.
Hold on! What?! You can’t write someone twice! You’re harassing them. You’re becoming one of those deranged Internet daters who copy and paste every message, who live in a different state, who have only the loosest understandings of the English language, who never ever ever take “no” for an answer. That’s what people say to me when they ask if they can email someone twice. Then, calmly, sagaciously, in a manner that no doubt reflects the great Dalai Lama himself, I respond, “What’s the worst thing that could happen? She’s gonna not write you back…again?”
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