Men: Stop Paying For First Dates

Laugh it up buddy, because she ain’t paying for shit.

I know, ladies, that you are united on this issue. Men should pay for every first date. You recognize that it’s archaic, maybe even a tad demeaning, but it is convention, and convention must be respected. A man will ask you out on a date – be it Internet or otherwise – and at the end of the evening, regardless of the date’s quality, length, or overall expense, two things must happen. First the check will arrive and the lady must offer to pay. Then, the man is to smile, nod “no”, then place his credit card on the table. That’s the way it works, and there is little room for variation. But understand, women, that there’s a quiet movement afoot. A potential revolution that is simmering just under the surface, and I’ve got the emails to prove it. Jon from Nevada. Billy from Miami. Doug in Wisconsin. They’re all wondering, with more than a bit of fear in their voices, if men really have to pay for every date. And I am here to say…NO. No they do not.

Let me say this plainly: Men should pay for the first date. It’s the right thing to do. But  there are a lot of things that are the “right” thing to do, and we don’t do ’em. Like sending thank you notes. Or not wearing hats indoors. Or washing your socks on an annual or semi-annual basis. We’ve moved beyond these arcane traditions, so why have we held onto the one where dudes have to pay for everything that a woman consumes? It’s senseless, and it’s gotta stop. Never again, I say!

He pays for everybody’s drinks

OK, not never again. Again. Definitely again. I got carried away with the moment. But there are times, and I know this is controversial shit, when a man can get away with not picking up a woman’s tab. Here is a complete list:

  1. If the date sucked.

That’s it. It’s just that simple. If your evening turns in a total dud, and you have no intention of seeing the woman again under any circumstances, and she offers to pay her share, then, yes, men, you may accept. And I do mean under NO CIRCUMSTANCES would you see her again. Like, let’s say you meet her and she only has one arm, but then you think, “hey, it might grow back.” You pay for that girl’s drink. Or if she shows up in a Ku Klux Klan outfit and you think, “I don’t agree with their principles, but I’ve always found white to be a flattering color.” Buy that lady a cocktail. But if you’re absolutely certain that you two are donesville, then let the woman buy her own booze. Paying for it is just, well, a waste of money.

Look, cheaping out isn’t meant as a punishment. I don’t think men should try to penalize a woman for failing to fulfill all his dreams in a forty-five minute span. But what exactly does one get out of buying drinks for someone who was a stranger an hour ago and will revert back to being a stranger five minutes from now? I’ll tell you. Zip-o. Sure, you fulfill some sort of nebulous duty that goes with being a man who has asked out a woman, but honestly, who really gives a shit? Is a game show host going to walk up to you after the date and say “your gallantry has exceeded expected levels of humanity, and for that you win… A NEW CAR!” Nope. Not gonna happen. What you’ll get is the satisfaction of knowing that you essentially gave someone thirty dollars because society suggests that that’s the right thing to do. Frankly, I’d rather just have the thirty dollars.

The actual prize for picking up the tab

I know that this may sound stingy. No, scratch that. It definitely sounds stingy. But it’s also realistic. Internet dating isn’t free and it isn’t fast. It takes a lot of nights out before you find the lady or gentleman for you, and asking one side to pay every one of those nights is unrealistic. So, Jon from Nevada, Billy from Miami, Doug in Wisconsin…you now have my permission to, on rare circumstance, not pick up a first date tab. But don’t abuse the privilege, fellahs. Because believe me, the first time you make a bad bill decision will also be the last. And honestly, the least you can do for an outstanding woman is pay for her drinks, right? RIGHT.

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64 Responses to Men: Stop Paying For First Dates

  1. Mark says:

    My 2 cents:

    I can see a man possibly paying on a first date – mainly if the guy was the asker. BUT, on mutually arranged dates, especially any subsequent ones, I think the tab should always be split.

    I’ve asked to split plenty of times. And it’s worked fine for both parties. Why should it be men who incur all the expense when there’s an equally able person across the table? Like a relationship, both people should invest and risk equally.

    Personally, this stance hasn’t cost me any relationships. I believe women who don’t agree with this should be called out, as they are generally the same ones demanding equality on every other front. There’s negative as well as positive consequences to complete equality. These days women make pretty much the same money men do in most areas, and in fact women are making more money than men in a lot of areas – especially as more women are getting degrees than men now. So it seems fair to demand equality for dates.

    We’ve done away with nearly every other archaic tradition, so how about this one as well.

    After all, men are still expected to buy the ring, aren’t they…?

    • Sara says:

      To me going dutch automatically means you are just friends. You aren’t there as a unit but as two individuals. However, I am not insane. I don’t expect men to always pick up the check. I pick up the check half the time.

      I didn’t realize how many girls expect this until…
      Recently I picked up the check on a first date when the guy was in the bathroom so there wouldn’t be any arguements. He was stunned when he realized that I had done so. “This is the first time a woman has ever picked up the check for me,” was his response. And he was 32 years old good looking, smart, charming guy. I was shocked!

  2. Becky says:

    Boo…… Best to make sure you never, ever want to date this girl again. If the dude didn’t pay for my Starbucks, meal, or drink, I would assume he is just flat out a cheapskate, and it would probably spill over into other areas of his personality. Just no way in my mind of justifying it. It’s the price of playing the dating game. If things do click, you can beat at various points down the road, the lady is gonna treat you from time to time.

    • B says:

      Ha ha, and between Mark and Becky we have a perfect demonstration of the disagreement. Dude’s think it’s OK, ladies do not.

      • Mark says:

        Heh. And what do you suppose men think of women who don’t at least offer to pay their part these days?

        Personally, I’m not cheap – so that theory doesn’t pan out that my personality is based around this idea. I am smart with my money though, and that’s likely why I’m not in debt up to my eyeballs like most people.. but I digress.

        I think Becky’s comment is just a prime example of an old way of thinking. Is it still about men clamouring for a woman’s approval? Are we still ‘suitors’, lining up to impress? It should be equal – most grown-ups are just two people looking for a relationship. I can’t recall a time I’ve heard a woman offering to treat, but at least if both people go in expecting to pay an equal share, no one is having to put themselves out more than the other. People are risking enough just putting themselves out there. It seems fair enough to me.

        It boils down to: Anyone who would judge so much based on whether they get a free meal from someone probably isn’t worth your time.

        But anyway, most of us know the type that operate like that, so we’ll steer clear. And maybe you won’t have to worry about ‘cheapskates’ getting in your way.. ;)

      • B says:

        I don’t think it’s as old a way of thinking as you suggest, Mark.

  3. LJ says:

    Ok, as a woman, I’m going to go against the female grain here and say I agree with you. I NEVER expect a man to pay for me on a first date. You’re two strangers meeting up for the first time (in the case of Internet dating); why should one person have to pay for the whole deal (regardless of who did the asking)? Sure, most of my female friends are horrified and say they’d never see a man again if he didn’t pick up the check. However, I think it’s only fair if the check is split. Maybe it’s a control thing? After all, I don’t want to feel like my date has any expectations just because he pays (and I’ve been out with some men who think they deserve to “get some” if they shell out for drinks or whatnot). So, it’s just easier if we each pay for ourselves. Would I like my date to pay for me? Sure. But do I expect it? No.

    • B says:

      LJ, I agree with you, it is only fair to split a first meeting between what are essentially strangers, but I think you’re in the vast minority on this one. And your friends who would be horrified, are they generally demanding of their dates/boyfriends, or pretty even-handed, except when the check comes? I bet it’s the latter, but I’d like to hear what you think…

      • LJ says:

        I just saw your question, so I apologize for the delayed response.

        You are correct – the friends who are horrified are demanding of their dates/boyfriends, especially when it comes to who pays. In fact, many of them have been raised to expect a man to ALWAYS pay for dates (although I do know that most of them will consider paying for things here and there after an exclusive relationship has been established). That being said, some of them still expect men to pay for every single activity, even after a relationship has been established. Now, as to the percentage of these friends who hold this belief who actually FIND men who will pay for everything? I imagine you can guess that number. I just think it’s unrealistic in this day and age. But, hey, if they can find a man who will foot the bill for everything… smoke ’em if you got ’em (so to speak).

    • Tina says:

      Another woman here and I think the same thing. Women need to be reminded that you are not dating the guy’s wallet. My husband and I split the check when we first dated and when we progressed into a relationship sometimes he paid and sometimes I did. He is not cheap, he listened and respected my desire to be equal in the relationship. He truely appreciated that I wanted to spend time with him and wasn’t focused on what he could give me. We have been married for over six years, have a beautiful little girl and ours is an equal partnership. So to other women out there, it is not terrible to pay sometimes.

  4. KBells says:

    I think men should pay for the first date, and then the asker should pay after. Refusing to pay for a date is not an actual indicator of cheapness just as paying is not an indicator of generosity. I dated a guy who paid for a large majority of dates but was really cheap in every other aspect of his life. The reason I mainly think it’s the asker’s responsibility to pay comes down to interest. I’ve invited dates to shows, restaurants, and I’ve had dates invite me to games, museums and etc. The point is, if I’m requesting your company to something that may not be your interest, that’s all ready a bit of a hassle for you. You’re being introduced to something new, yes, but it’s also something you wouldn’t be doing any way on your own dime. It’s important enough for me to enjoy with you, then I’m willing to pay for that. If you’re suggesting all the dates and building them around your favorite team, food, and activities then, no, I’m not going dutch.

  5. Sgt. Slaughter says:

    The man should pay for the first date. He doesn’t have to. You are right. It is archaic. But you have to ask yourself the object of your dating. To find someone to marry, or something, right? In this ever-shrinking world of internet reality, word travels fast. Like it or not, man doesn’t pay, woman is likely to think less of you/the date. How many times have you men seen someone you know or someone your friend knows on your preferred dating site of choice? Happened to me yesterday. And I guarantee that it happens more with women.

    You cheap out first date, it’ll likely come back on you and your chances of success will drop. It ain’t fair but that’s the game we are all playing.

    Plus, do you really want to tell your daughter (now or in 15 years) that she should go out with men who won’t buy her a drink? I don’t.

    • B says:

      It’s just a question of what’s worth more, the money you save or the small chance that not paying for the wrong lady will come back to bite you. For me, I err on side of over-paying, but I am of course an extremely generous and forgiving person.

      • Mark says:

        I like the flurry of comments this has ignited!

        Personally I’m not saying I flat-out wouldn’t pay, but I wouldn’t feel great about a woman who didn’t at least offer to split/go dutch. To me this is about changing conventions, not just sticking to the old ways in case someone gets their nose out of joint. Everyone is equal in this – especially like LJ said with two strangers meeting, why is one expected to pay? (LG you are awesome we should go out sometime – on you. Just kidding, we’ll go dutch. ;)

        Also – MJ agrees too, nice! I’m surprised two women already feel the same way about this. Maybe things are changing a bit.

        I do feel that if someone cares THATmuch about whether someone else pays for their meal/drink/whatever, they may need to ask themselves what they expect of other people. Are they expecting to be taken care of? Maybe they just feel entitled? But hey, those are just my thoughts…

    • bruce says:

      I dunno there sarge…I have a 16 year old daughter who just started dating…and not that she is asking for MY advice, but I would STRONGLY advise her to pay her own way…because I want her to grow up and be her OWN person.
      I was raised to be chivalrous. I open doors for women (children and elders too), I will stop and help someone with a flat tire or other situation…but I wont pay for the first date. I wont even pay for MOST of the dates. Some, sure. But its not going to be majority. I know this will limit my field…but I’m fine with that, because I am actually looking for an equal partner…not an employee.

  6. MJ says:

    As a woman, I agree with this post 100%. (I love you “It’s Not A”, but I can’t say I always agree with you. This time- yes.) As someone who goes on a enormous amount of internet dates, I pay often (particularly if I’m the one who picked the place for the date) on the first date. And I always, *always* insist on paying half (at the least) if I know I’m never going to see the guy again. In fact, I’ve had a lot of men (ok, more than a handful) slightly freak out at the fact that I’ve offered to pay for all/part of the first date. Apparently, a lot of dudes are clued in to the fact that this is the sign the girl has no interest in seeing you again. (This is not always the case with me but is true more often than not.) Regardless, if the date is bad/no chemistry, it’s only fair for you to split the cost of a moment misspent.

    And yes, this comment abuses and misuses the parenthetical. Get over it.

    • B says:

      What? Reading and not agreeing, MJ? Access revoked!

      I can say that for my part that I would love a girl to insist on paying after a date she didn’t enjoy. Then I’d get a chemistry measurement, and save some money all in one. I don’t know that it’s common though. I can only think of one or two dates when a woman absolutely insisted on paying, and those were ones where it went quite well.

  7. Chris says:

    If you’re struggling at dating enough to take to the internet, you should probably go ahead and just pick up the tab. You don’t need to be putting yourself at a greater disadvantage of losing someone who might possibly be interested in you.

    Especially if you’re short.

  8. Jenni says:

    As a woman, I agree with this. However, I would like to point out that men and women both treat people they respect or admire out to dinner and for me at least, it is more of a kind gesture. I’m sure most of you have treated your friends out to dinner, or thanked someone in that way at some point in time. I look upon it as a sign of respect or appreciation. I also have paid for dates in entirety, gone dutch and been paid for. Why did I pay for some dates? Because I thoroughly enjoyed myself, and his company and while I have very little money, sometimes it’s just nice to be nice. As a liberal feminist, I feel it would be hypocritical to do otherwise. But just because I believe men and women should stand on equal footing, especially at the start of a potential relationship does not mean that I will look poorly on someone who is chivalrous and opens the car door for me. It is a sign of respect and of kindness. A gesture. Gestures are not laws they are little acts of kindness.

  9. Personally I’m in favor of going Dutch on the more informal first date, and then picking up the tab once it’s established that there’s some interest there beyond “so what do you do again?”. I do think it’s really selfish for a girl to allow the guy to pick up the tab if she has no intention of seeing him again. Letting a guy pay for you doesn’t buy him hanky panky, but it should buy him a second date if he asks for one.

    • burntorangehorn says:

      “Letting a guy pay for you doesn’t buy him hanky panky, but it should buy him a second date if he asks for one.”

      Exactamundo. If a girl allows a guy to pay when she has no intention of seeing him again, then she’s simply showing a sense of entitlement. I would never expect even just a kiss if I were the one footing the whole bill, but I would expect that she would be certain she hasn’t mentally ruled out a second date. If something happens following a guy-paid first date that makes her not want to go on the second, fine; but she shouldn’t shuffle compacts and lozenges in her purse while a guy pays if she knows there’s no second act.

      The exercises and charades we endure are amazing, aren’t they? Guy is expected to to approach girl, impress girl, and ask girl on date, girl is supposed to offer to split, guy is expected to insist to pay for it all. I’ve found this is an almost-invariable expected sequence of events, even when the girl is a self-professed feminist. I don’t pretend to understand it; I just operate under the assumption that I’m going to pay for the first date, even if I know I’m not interested, unless I absolutely deplore the girl–which hasn’t happened yet.

      • B says:

        I do not endorse any statement that buying drinks entitles you to anything. Except for having less money than you’d like.

  10. John says:

    I will always offer to pay, no matter what # date it is. If the girl did the asking (can’t remember the last time that happened though) I will still offer. If she insists, then I will let her. The thing that I hate is if I offer to pay and she says, “you sure?” I say, “yes.” She says, “are you sure” and so on and so forth. I hate that. Ask once, if your offer is refused just say, thank you, which is all I ever expect at the end of a date. And of course, the inevitable informing me of the headache she has. Damn headaches!

  11. David says:

    Totally agree and it can go both ways… if the girl had an awful time going dutch can be her subtle way of saying “I’ll call you again”… And I’ve done this after terrible dates. One girl even sent me an email telling me how rude it was… which just made me laugh. I’m the worst.

    • LJ says:

      That’s interesting; I hadn’t really considered that kind of motivation until you and TheShoeGazer pointed it out. I think I offer to pay more often when I really like the guy rather than if I didn’t intend to see him again. (I imagine I’m in the minority there, too.) Then again, my instinct is usually to pay for myself (or both of us) first anyway, and then accept being paid for as a far off second option. Along the same lines, if I don’t intend to see the guy again, I’d definitely pay for myself because I wouldn’t want to lead him on. So maybe I have considered it.

  12. David says:

    “I’ll NEVER call you again” … forgot the negative. My bad.

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  14. Char says:

    I feel men should want to pay for the whole thing in the end if its a good date but ladies should offer and be prepared to pay for thier stuff without getting pissy about it. 90% of women now days beileve they ahould be treated as equals..heres to being equal :oP

    • BIBTD says:

      Equals? I thought it was Princess syndrome? If it isn’t the best, women don’t want it. Settling is considered a bad thing especially in the U.S.

  15. Boston Rob says:

    This is great reading. I went looking for a site to complain about a date where I thought we had a great time. Ie. girl was smiling a lot, introduced me to her friends, and said things like “you can tell when I am having a bad date it’s written on my face”. So of course me being the gentlemen thinks its going well, and in hope of another date pay. This is where she becomes stand offish. The night ends. And then the games begin – no contact except “polite” responses. Ok girls, if your not into a guy let him know! It’s better for everyone.
    How this pertains to this discussion was, she has since said upon meeting me I knew we didn’t click, but wanted a nice meal out and drinks… Couple hundred bucks later, you get the picture. This kind of girl I am sure does this more than once. It’s what gives these discussions fuel! Would love to name names, but I think she’ll never meet her match, that’s payback enough.

    • B says:

      Had a very similar one the other night, Rob. I would write it up, but I wouldn’t really know what to say. Seemed to so good, ended so not good. No idea why. Keep up the good fight!

    • BIBTD says:

      Dang man she used you. It’s called Dine and Dash. You can tell if a woman is looking for a meal ticket. Plus being honest hurts. You say you want the truth but imagine if ear hairs destroyed a date? That is why the FRIEND ZONE exist.

  16. Bob Sacamano says:

    As long as we are still in the 1950’s, I will pay for dinner if she will do my laundry.

  17. bruce says:

    @Bob Sacamano,

    Great Response.

  18. I feel like the biggest thing about this particular issue is a point you made a few posts back. First Dates shouldn’t be dinner. They should be lunch, coffee, drinks, a walk through the park, etc. Something both cheap and relatively easy to escape from if she does turn out to look like she ate her profile picture or if she is just plain insane. Now, assuming we followed this advice (I personally don’t, but most of the time I don’t I regret it afterwards), the total cost of the date if I, as the conservative and demure lady that I am also follow the two drink max rule, the most this guy should be on the hook for is what? 20 bucks?

    Now, I personally will admit to being a fan of the check dance. You casually ask how much your portion was or go for your own wallet with the idea in mind that he is going to say, “No no, tonight’s on me”. The key that I find however is to follow through. If you act like you’re going to pay and never get the cue, then don’t drag your feet you stingy bitch, pay your half. Like I said, it should be under 20 bucks unless you splurged in which case that’s your own damn fault.

    I have totally gone on second dates with guys who have only paid their half and I have definitely gone on second dates with guys who paid for the whole thing. Dudes though, if you’re going to only pay for your half don’t bother justifying to me why or trying to explain that money’s tight, it’s only going to make you look like a pansy and a cheapskate. Just do it, with confidence and if she flips out on you, think of all the dinners you saved yourself having to buy her. I will admit that I kind of like when a guy pays for me either because it shows he had a nice time or maybe it appeals to latent primal instincts (Boy who pay be good provider ugh ugh) or possibly because I have dated my fair share of total losers who literally couldn’t afford the dinner they just invited me to (If you can barely afford to take yourself to dinner you probably should be focusing on things other than dating, like new employment or managing your finances). In short, that’s my final say on things. I like it but don’t expect it and if it happens, I appreciate it rather than abuse it.

  19. Claire H says:

    I agree with you. As a woman, I’m aware of the wave I ride that is free first dates, of which there are many more than second dates. If the date sucked, for both of you, I would completely agree that the bill should be split. It’s not fair for you to pay for me when I have no intention of seeing you again, etc. In a world where chivalry is dead/not dead, and social norms are there/not there, I think this trend should continue and grow, of the man being obligated/not obligated to pay for the first date.

  20. Claire says:

    “You recognize that it’s archaic, maybe even a tad demeaning, but it is convention, and convention must be respected.”
    Really? Demeaning, archaic convention must be respected? Without deliberately flouting demeaning conventions, various needed civil and social rights movements throughout history (anti-slavery, women’s rights, rights of the child, etc.) wouldn’t have happened.

    I am a woman and I ALWAYS pay my way for dates, especially the first date. I don’t want to start something off by setting any kind of precedent by compromising gender equality. If women want to be treated as equals for real, they have to let go of this kind of thing. The idea that a person is “obligated” to do anything based simply on the genitalia they were born with is ridiculous.
    I’m not against a little chivalry like holding the door and such, and I do think it can be a nice, but occasional, thing to do for EITHER the male or female involved to pick up the whole check. But I think that kind of thing should be reserved for when you are actually in a relationship with someone.

  21. BIBTD says:

    Awesome how I am so late to the party. Necro posting is not cool. Derp.

  22. Eva says:

    I would never pay for a date. I recently went on my 4th or 5th date (with a guy who had always been chivalrous before) & he asks if “we’re doing dutch”? I shrug while sending laser beams of shock with my eyes. He pays for the movie but then asks me to buy him popcorn. I bought him a small, while hoping the kid who hands it to him has spit in it. After that I never returned his texts. The man should pay PERIOD!
    One thing men don’t take into account is how much money we spend on looking nice. That’s what we contribute, that should be enough.

    • B says:

      Ha ha, wow, Eva. Are you a real person or the mean hot girl character from a comic book?

    • Mark says:

      Oh please. You can buy cheap clothes and still look great. You don’t need an expensive, professional hair stylist. My ex did her hair at home. As for cosmetics; you can use those more than once, whereas a meal is used once and it’s gone.

      Eva, you are sexist, PERIOD!

    • mike says:

      Eva….You’re just joking right?? You call the fact that a guy is paying for a date “chivalrous” and then after being treated to 4 or 5 dates bitch about buying a $4 bag of popcorn….:)

    • truth says:

      Id rather poke my eyeballs out that go on a day with an entitled, ungrateful……well….”lady” like you. Single and loving it!

  23. latinguy says:

    Well…per my experience past 3-4 years intermittent online dating and regular dating I’d have to say it really depends on culture, your income and who it is you are dating or meeting. I’m a latin guy so I have been raised to ALWAYS pay. Do I like it? meh, can I afford to? yes. To me it’s all about how I feel about her. As long as I don’t feel duped, used, hooked by her sure I’ll pay. One good advice I got from an “expert” regarding the online dating and relationships in general is never, ever have expectations about your date, you’ll be less disappointed and this goes for boys and girls.

    BTW love this site I’m hooked.

    • Arianna says:

      Thank you! The whole paying for first dates ‘issue’ wasn’t even an issue for me before i went abroad.

      I’m from Italy and men have ALWAYS paid for me, dinner or drinks. And not just for dates, even casual things between friends if i’m the only woman in the group. It’s not considered sexist or even exceptional, it’s a norm, period. And i live now in Asia, where guys are OFFENDED if you try to pay.

      So while i’m not too comfortable with the idea of someone spending a lot of money for me, I unconsciously expect it because i’m so used to it. Now i’ve been abroad for more than 6 years and have met/dated people from everywhere, so I offer to pay my part if i think that might be more appropriate.
      But please don’t judge all girls, sometimes it really depends on your cultural background.

  24. Jendark says:

    I agree that culture has a lot to do with who pays. Coming from a particular back round the men always pay for EVERYTHING no questions asked. When dating outside my culture and the guy accepts my offer for me to split the bill on the first date has to be the biggest turn off for me. For example, I went on a date last week and the guy claimed he had the best time considering he had been on so many online dates. For him to accept my offer to pay was a huge negative on my end. Don’t get me wrong I would offer to pay for drinks , or split the check on maybe the third date or even buy him things especially when I’m interested. For a girl to pay for dinner or drinks I just don’t think it’s necessary when a guy is into a girl. She can do other things for him in different ways!
    If you really like a girl just be a bit more aggressive with the check and pay it; espicially if you see potential for something more. You dont want the girl to walk away thinking your cheap.

    Being cheap is my biggest pet peeve. Know the question is should or shouldn’t I go on another date…I liked the guy so I might. But it truly did bother me.

  25. VC says:

    One thing that no one seems to have brought up here, is how paying for first dates can add up quickly if you are actively dating. A meal in any decent restaurant for two will cost you nothing less than $30 including beverages and tip, sometimes even more. If you went on 10 dates in a month (if you were so lucky of course), you would have spent 3 greens. And there is no guarantee that you will get a second date from any of these girls. The sense of entitlement that these women have is repulsive to me. I am the kind of person who will never ask a woman to pay, although I will gladly accept if she offers to pay her half. I have dated about 30-35 women in last 10 years, and had several relationships, and found only one woman who regularly paid her fair share. We took turns paying for expenses.

    Recently, I got back in the dating game again at 36, and I am finding all of this very stressful. And while it may reduce my chances of success significantly, I am going to put my foot down about not paying for the woman until it is established that I am going steady with her. Why should I keep paying for strangers. They are getting the exact same thing as I am from a date. Women are not a commodity that we men are using so as to have to pay for it. If you don’t want to get objectified and being treated equal, act like equal.

    Thank God, I never met a woman like Eva. May be I did, but never realized it. If only I could know what they’re thinking in their heads.

    • SINGLe MD says:

      again here… to reply, yes I always pay first, second…etc. I was brought up that way. I’m 40 single, Doctor… yeah I can afford it, do I want to?not really I try to be frugal. If I had to guesstimate how much money I’ve spent on first “DUD” dates, no seconds or one night stands in the last 3 months… Oh GOD… hmm average $80-$100/date…dinner and/or drinks… easily in the thousand 1-2K range… but that has changed now. My advice for guys…ALWAYS PAY if you can, be smart about it, be frugal…and be very, very, very selective. In the long run it will pay off.

  26. You says:

    Ugh.. this is all just making a very good case for dying alone…

  27. Michelle says:

    Call me old fashioned, but I really like it if the guy pays for the first date. It shows me that he’s interested, and if I’m interested in him then it’s a big turn-on. Singiness is a big turn-off. A guy who didn’t pay for the first date and asked me out again would have to perform better in another area to keep me interested. On the other hand, if I have zero interest in seeing him again, I would totally go Dutch. Also, once an exclusive relationship is established I can be a lot more generous.

    • B says:

      Well, sure, I love it when someone pays for me too, but I don’t think it’s a requirement. Certainly not if the date doesn’t go well.

    • Mark says:

      Call me old fashion, but I really like it when women are in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant.

      Calling yourself old fashion is no excuse to be sexist. Now fix me a sammich, woman.

  28. beputty says:

    In Online dating Guys should not pay. If you meet a lady at a club through a friend or some other avenue it’s a different story. But in many cases we are talking about 1st dates via online where in most instances people are lying about who they are, at least statistically someone is lying about their height, weight, income… Sorry in this day and age I just don’t get it.
    I know I am in the minority but I find the practice of men paying for everything reprehensible. By the way I’m not cheap nor poor. I just don’t like to be taken advantage of and that is what this looks like especially in the mired world of online dating.

  29. I don’t think there is a should or shouldn’t, but if I went on a date with a guy and we were having a good time and I knew that we were both attracted to one another and he either expected to go Dutch, or accepted my offer to pay half then I would really question his interest and respect for me and I might not go out with him again. Also, future dates I would be happy to treat but on a great first date with good chemistry, I absolutely hope the guy is a gentleman enough to offer to pay and I would consider it a very bad sign if he did not. Also, I went on many internet dates and I always considered it more of a pre-date so I did offer to go Dutch but the guy NEVER accepted. Even if it didn’t work out I feel that the guy probably never regretted my good company and we also weren’t meeting at an expensive place. I would just say to the guys that if you meet a great girl who is a good conversationalist, polite, and there is something there then it’s in your best interest to pay, it could be first of future great dates and you don’t want to jinx it –the girl might treat you next time —!!!

  30. Annie says:

    I was so intrigued by your blog and wanted to compliment your writing style, but then I saw that you wrote “revert back” and it was over. Revert back, is saying “go back back” sort of like “chai tea” which is just “tea tea”. Anyways, I didn’t reciprocate an email on match because the guy’s profile said “revert back”.

    • B says:

      Well, Annie, that is certainly your option. But I will ask, what’s more important: meeting someone you like or meeting someone who never makes a grammatical error, common or otherwise? You’re certainly permitted to say the latter, but I would encourage you to consider otherwise. It’s the Internet, people are thinking quickly. It’s the nature of the beast. Smart people make dumb mistakes all the time. I would encourage you not to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Especially if the baby is this website – because this website is amazing.

  31. Anonymous says:

    Annie, “anyways” isn’t a word. See? Happens to the best of us.

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