After arguing that men should not necessarily pay for a first date last week, I got one of my favorite emails ever. I’ve had women email trying to set me up with their friends, their moms, themselves, and I think even one of their cats, but this note warmed my heart more than any other. You ready?
You cheap mothafucker, thats why youre single.
Thank you, Miche0177, you are a sweetheart. And while I appreciate your input, I have to admit I’m a little offended. I know it’s fun to cast off anonymous angry emails, but my willingness on occasion to let my date to split a tab is not the reason I’m single, and I’m offended by the suggestion. I’m single because of the rashes. The full-body, head-to-toe rashes. And the night terrors. And the crying. And very possibly the fake leg. Which may or may not be the source of my rashes. But cheapness, Miche0177, cheapness has nothing to do with it.
Imagine my delight, however, when I received a new recommendation from Match that seem to dovetail perfectly with my recent post. It’s as if they’ve discovered my site! (If they have, apologies to every woman I’m currently conversing with, they’re totally deleting my account.) But anyway, here’s what my new match would like to do on her first date…
I’m not so sure about that walking down the beach business (remember, fake leg), but otherwise, this is a woman after my own heart! Normally this is the time where I ask “How is This My Match?!”, but I’m not gonna do it this time. Good work, Match. I think you might have finally nailed one. I mean, come on, look at these pictures…
Wow. Foxy, right? I’m not totally sure about the butterflies on the wall (read a little Sweet Valley High if you ask me) but other than that I certainly can’t complain. And the last picture with the shoulder tattoo? Now you’re playing my number! I’ve dated several women with tattoos, and 100% of them were totally insane, but I sure had fun figuring that out. I was starting to get quite intrigued, until I came across this little chestnut…
18 year-old woman
Los Angeles, California
18 year-old woman?! 18?! 1-8?! How many times can I write the number 18? What the hell is going on here? Is that even legal? Are you trying to catch me in a sting operation, Match? I keep expecting to turn around and see this guy step out from behind a curtain…
And say “why don’t you have a seat? I’m Chris Hansen, and I’m from Dateline.” And if he does, is Match.com gonna bail me out? How could you do this to me, Match, after all we’ve been through together? I want to state for the record that my desired age range is 27-37, and there is no combination of the numbers 1 and 8 that fall inside that window. I would also like to speak to my lawyer.
Don’t worry, it get’s worse…
What She’s Looking For: Hey, My name is Nxxxx Xxxxxx, I am not subscribed so look me up on Facebook and feel free to contact me directly!
That’s gotta be entrapment, right? I’m pretty sure this is how they nab the guys on How To Catch a Predator. You start on a dating site, nice and innocent. They show you a few risqué little tattoos, then ask you to contact them directly on Facebook. You do and a few minutes later you somehow end up in a seedy Internet chat room, and before you know it you’re driving to their house wine coolers and a few of the more suggestive episodes of My Little Pony. I know how this shit goes down, Hansen, and I’m not falling for your little trap! Now I know why the butterflies on her wall read Sweet Valley High, because she probably just graduated from Sweet Valley High last week.
Now I know it’s not technically illegal for me to date an 18 year-old. Or at least I think it’s not. It’s not, right? But the whole thing is too close for comfort. And is that really what you think of me, Match? That all you need to do is show me a smiling face and a little skin and pretty soon I’ll be traipsing around with teenagers?! Well, how dare you? I am a grown adult. And, I can’t traipse, on account of the fake leg. Thanks for bringing it up. Again.
Come on, How is This My Match?!
Rolling on the floor here, LMAO! What a mean spirited comment from Miche! Rashes, night terrors and crying don’t scare me! I see 18 isn’t your thing…. Is 50 something? Yours wouldn’t be the first fake leg I’ve seen! Just kidding…. But, I surely do get a huge kick out of your blog! And, here I thought all these interesting dating experiences only happened to my generation… later in life daters, divorcees, etc. But, I guess it’s a not age discrimantory – now is it. Cheapskates, weirdos, and otherwise developmentally and emotionally challenged matches abound!
I have a bunch of tattoos and I’d like to say that I am perfectly normal. Except when I’m actually GETTING them. Then I’m an insane mess of tears, lamaz breathing, and crazy questions like, “Is Satan in your needle?”
If she’s 18, she probably hasn’t learned to be bitter yet. But if she says she’s 18, she’s also probably 17. So, pro AND con.
Also tattooed, also…well…who am I kidding…probably a complete loon.
I will weigh in on the payment issue, if I may….
I ALWAYS offer to pay my way on those first dates, and am not being disingenuous in doing so…frankly, particularly if I am not interested in seeing the person again, I would just as soon pay for my own whatever we’re having. To the credit of most men, they are generally most chivalrous, and refuse to let me pay.
On my most recent Match first date, we met for lunch at a very casual neighborhood spot. I had the mammoth meal of water and a salad. The total for my lunch? $4.99.
When the check was presented. my date placed his credit card in the folder, and stopped the server from taking it until I was able to get my card from my wallet.
The tab was a total of about $30 (clearly, he ate freely)….four fucking ninety-nine, people.
THAT, MIche0177, is a cheap EMEFFER
PS-Becky, I think I challenge you to a duel.
I’d win…Have you experienced white pants, (and shoes), navy blue shirt unbuttoned to the belly button. Couldn’t take my eyes of the chest area which sported a gold chain, grey hairs, and very droopy man boobs…… Now, I ask you… what’s a $30 compared to that?
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