This may come as a shock to regular readers, but I have begun to dip my toes in the OKCupid waters. I know, I know. I’ve long argued that you get what you pay for on free dating sites, which in OKCupid’s case is jack shit. But for a variety of reasons, I think it may be a more productive way to meet people in Los Angeles. I’ll go into that in more detail in a future post, but my main concern presently is trying to survive without Match’s priceless Daily 5 recommendations. Over recent months, Match has brought so many fine women to my attention, such as Bald Black Lady, The Lesbian, 19 year-old Hottie, and of course, Mrs. Santa Claus. If I stopped using Match as frequently, what would I do without their exquisitely awful suggestions? OKCupid doesn’t have Daily 5’s, so how could they provide such a regular parade of insanity?

Well, worry not, faithful reader. While OKCup’s doesn’t recommend people per say, it will alert you when someone they find particularly keen looks at your profile. They’ll send you an email telling you that an “Exceptionally Good Match” has her eye on you, and yes, it works about as well as you’d expect.

But you can be the judge of that.

And so I ask you….How is This My Match (OKCupid Style)?!

27, Straight Female

Los Angeles, CA

Yep. That’s it. A picture of someone who seems to be actively running from the camera. Perhaps she’s a fugitive from the law? Maybe she forgot to make up her face before heading out in the morning? Or maybe she doesn’t have a face at all? She could be one of those Oprah guests who her got her face eaten off by her friend’s chimpanzee. There’s really no way of knowing because all I can see is the BACK OF HER HEAD. Not even the back, really. It’s sort of the side of the back, and it’s totally covered in hair. Hair, and some branches, and part of a tree trunk that she’s climbing up for some unknown reason.

I feel like the dating sites are screwing with me at this point. Like someone at Match noticed that I hadn’t logged in in a while, knew of course that I hadn’t met anyone, so  assumed I’d wandered off onto another site. They placed a few calls, found out I was on OKCupid, then asked for a favor. “Hey, you have any pictures of something crazy, like a chick kissing an elephant, or a woman who looks like Harry Truman, or…wait. WAIT. Get a photo of some weird girl climbing up a tree. Or a guy, it doesn’t really matter. Just make sure he’s got long hair, and you can’t see his face it all, and then send it to this asshole and tell him it’s his perfect match. He’ll get a big kick out of it, believe me!” OK, that probably didn’t happen, but I can’t be sure at this point. And neither can you.

I mean, she couldn’t have at least cleared the bush before taking the picture? I’m looking at like half a torso here. No legs even! It’s just degrading. She’s more plant than human as far as I can tell.

Not surprisingly, ol’ Flora and Fauna here kept her profile pretty brief. Most of her responses are gibberish, or in no way answer the question asked. Which means that in OKCupid’s eyes, my perfect match is an illiterate who has no face or legs. I’d like to argue with them, but it’s not like I’ve hit off so great with all the women I’ve met who have faces, so perhaps they’re on to something. There was one question she responded to that I think summed up my first OKCupid recommendation rather nicely.

On a typical Friday night I am…cyclops reading.

That’s funny, I believe I spent my Valentine’s Day cyclops reading as well.

Seriously people, How is This My Match?!