Well, this seems to be catching on…

When I introduced the How is This My Match? feature a few weeks ago, it was in an effort to keep things brief. The Internet is designed to be short and sweet, and my posts tend to be the opposite, often breaking the dangerous Thousand Word Barrier. Because when you’re discussing things as important as a girl who can’t stop wearing holiday sweaters, you need a lot of words to capture the complexity of the situation. I wanted to keep writing long, but also have shorter pieces that would allow you guys to zip in and out quickly and help me post more often. So HiTMM? was born, and so far you guys really seem to dig it.

Here’s the thing though – you can’t send me your terrible matches. Because what happens is, I look at them, then they see that I’ve looked at them with Match’s “Who’s Viewed My Profile” feature, then they write me, thinking that I’m checking them out and probably  interested in getting it on, and it gets awkward fast. Leading to me getting emails like the one I did today, which read…

(clearing throat, putting on reading glasses…)

“You look familiar. Did I sleep with you?”

And what exactly am I supposed to do with that? So, I love the support, and I’m glad you guys are digging the new column. But if you want me to check out the preposterously bad recommendations Match has made for you, you’re just gonna have to copy and paste the person’s profile into an email. Deal? Deal.

Now, please tell me, How is This My Match?

57 year-old woman
New York, United States

seeking men 48-57
within 25 miles of New York, United States

Come on, Match. I mean COME ON. I don’t expect brilliant selections, people I’ve dreamed about meeting my whole life but never knew were out there, soulmates that went undiscovered until you found them and suggested them to me in Daily 5.  I do however expect someone that I can be entirely certain is, in fact, a woman. That’s not asking that much. No dudes, Match. No dudes. And, I thought this was implied, but along with No Dudes, I also want no women that very well might be dudes. Like 40% chance at least. Just to be safe, let’s say 50%. No one who’s at least as likely to be a dude as they are to not be a dude. Agreed?

And hey, don’t think I didn’t notice how well you did on proximity this time. For the first time on HiTMM, you picked someone in my state. Nice work baby, you’re learning. (However, 57 is way too old, so let’s not go patting yourself on the back just yet. Also, she looks like a dude.)

Her Headline: Beautiful,Bold And Bald….by choice…if your into hair surprise..don’t be scared it’s smooth.

Hair surprise.

I believe I can say without equivocation that I am not into hair surprise. In fact, I don’t think anyone is. I don’t have the slightest idea what hair surprise actually is, but I’ll tell you right now, we’re all gonna vote no on it. Who wants a hair surprise? I want hair to be exactly what I expect. No surprise. No, “oh my god was I shocked when I figured out what was going on on your head!” I want hair boring. Hair totally predictable. Hair hair.

Her Profile: I like to think of myself as a bold,beautiful woman who sports a bald head…by choice who’s strong relaible & independent, I honor myself everyday. I am so grateful for the blessing that has been bestowed upon me. I’ve been resilient in lifes challegenes and I’m still standing by the graces of “Jah, I have no issues with relinguishing control as matter of fact I welcome it at times. 

We’re all works in progress…would you agree. So with that said Lets,Live,Love & Laugh….Peace & Blessing 

Seems like a very nice lady. Probably refers to “Jah” more often than I do, but we could work around that. “Bald by choice” is going to be our stumbling block, I believe. Thanks though, Match, I can see you really thought this one out.

Last Read: I’m into inspirational books.

Me too! Wait, you get inspired by pornography, right?

For Fun: Working out free style.

I think I’ve seen people working out at the gym “free style”, and it’s horrifying.

What You Have in Common: You’re both into weight lifting.

Me.

So…she’s 25 years older than me, quite religious, and shaves her head, but we’re a good match because we’re both into weightlifting?! How does that work? We’re gonna go lifting together one day? I’m not even into weightlifting. Who told you I was into weightlifting? The last weight I lifted was my cat. I’m into running on a treadmill, then walking quickly by the weight room, trying not to make eye contact.

But thanks anyway, I can tell you really busted your ass on this one.

How is This My Match?