The only reason I hold on to my Match account these days is for the Daily 5. OKCupid is a better, faster, and more importantly, cheaper site – but the women it recommends to me are nowhere near as insane. Don’t get me wrong, OKCupid is very very bad at suggesting potential mates. As we’ve highlighted in previous editions of HiTMM, the Cups has offered me such fine companions as a half-woman half-tree, a polygamist, and a woman who enjoys licking knives. All winners, to be sure. But when I want a really doozy, a real “how could any human or bizarre computer logarithm possibly think this match would end in anything less than a murder suicide,” I turn to Match.com. Because only their Daily 5 can come up with an idea for my love life that is even worse than the ones I come up with on my own. And that’s sorta comforting. What suggestions did Match have for me this week?

Well how about this…uh…gal?

Seriously. How is THIS My Match?

33 year-old Woman/ Status: Currently Seperated

I mean, come on. Come on come on come on. That is not, you know, technically speaking, a woman. And look, I’m all for non-traditional lifestyles, going your own way, doing your own thing. and I actually think it’s very cool of this gentleman to have a dating profile of himself in drag. But really, Match? This is one of the 5 best people you could find for me to date today? Nic Cage in a wig? You can’t do any better that? Say maybe an old lady, or a very attractive thirty-something who recently passed away? I don’t know, maybe this is just Match’s way of throwing its hands in the air. It’s as if the Daily 5 is saying, “Look B, or whatever your name is, you’ve been on this site for a few years now, and we’ve recommended pretty much everyone we could think of. Short chicks, tall chicks, skinny chicks, fat chicks, and none of them were clicking with you, so this is our last idea. Chicks with dicks. Take it or leave it. If this one doesn’t work for you, you’re on your own.”

Initially, I wanted to give Match a break. I mean, how is it supposed to know that a dude put on some makeup and dropped his profile in the lady category? It’s not like they can personally review every member on their site, and you can’t expect them to crack some elaborate transvestite code in the guy’s post to reveal he’s a man. And then I read his post.

Her Idea of a Great Date: I am looking for STR8 men who this may be their first time with a special kind of friend like me. I prefer in shape and HIV negative guys like me.

Here’s an idea Match, how about all profiles in the female category that uses the term “STR8 men” gets a red flag? Not sure we need the guy from “A Beautiful Mind” to crack that code. Also, something tells me the standard gal doesn’t put in a specific request for “In shape and HIV negative” dates. And finally, when a woman says she’s looking for “guys like me,” it may be a pretty good sign that she’s actually, you know, a GUY. Again, more power to this dater looking for his kinda date, and if he doesn’t want to place himself in the male for male section of Match, I’m fine with that too. Just please don’t put him in my Daily 5. Because that makes we want to cry. And use OkCupid more often.

I do kinda wonder what sort of relationship he’s “currently separated” from though, don’t you? Anyway…

How is This My Match?!

Have questions for It’s Not a Match, or horrible dates your website has set you up with? Email ‘B’ with your quandries!