I’ve been in LA for a month now, and I’ve found the city’s women to be pretty, well, normal. Sure, they talk about yoga more than most people, and yes, many do seem to be tan in a way that doesn’t appear to be generated by the actual sun – but for the most part it’s gone well. However, after one too many conversations about show business, I have on occasion found myself yearning for something more wholesome. Thankfully, my Daily 5 Match recommendations have delivered on that need…

64 year-old woman
Girard, Ohio

seeking men 64-68
within 50 miles of Girard, Ohio

I mean, come on. What am I supposed to do with this? I’m sure she’s a wonderful lady, she really does look very sweet, but is the idea that I’m going to email her and get all flirty flirty? Is that how Match sees this going? I look over her profile and craft a few of my trademark personalized little quips – trying to be suggestive, but not all that suggestive, because that’s not how you treat a lady? Then I tell her pictures are very cute and that I sincerely hope she writes me back because I think there’s a potential for a deep emotional connection here? Plus some pretty serious bone time? That’s how this is going to play, Match, this romance you’ve just suggested I begin with a 64 year-old woman who lives over 2400 miles away from me? Because I’m not sure I see that working. Oh, and when do I ask her what it was like to play the psychic in the Poltergeist movies? Because that’s coming up. Don’t think for a minute that’s not coming up.

 I don’t mean to make fun of this woman, I really don’t. But I’m 33 and I live in Los Angeles. She’s 64 and lives in Girard, Ohio. We are not going to be lovers. In fact, just typing the word lovers in this context has made me a little queasy.

This is generally what I find sexually appealing…

Not this…

Although I will admit that a nicely wrapped gift does get me pretty hot. But this isn’t just physical. At the beginning of each Match profile, they hit you with a few facts, a thumbnail sketch of the person, so you can evaluate quickly how you feel. Here’s Mrs. Santa’s:

Relationship: Widow / Widower

Have kids: Yes, they live away from home (1)

Want kids: No, but it’s OK if my partner has kids

Height: 5’1″ (155cms)

Faith: Christian / Other

Drink: Never

Every single one of those is something I specifically said I did not want. Specifically. Did not want. And this is one of five BEST matches you had for me today, Match? Who didn’t make the cut? An alien? Someone who’s already dead? Or perhaps an inanimate object, like, say, an ironing board?

And just to be clear, I’m certain Claus wouldn’t be any happier to see me turn up in her inbox. Check out the rest of her profile.

What She’s Looking For: I love the Lord, Jesus Christ, with all my heart and he is first in my life. What I am looking for in a man: he must be a believer in the Lord, friendly, considerate, a real gentlemen and treat me like a lady.

I don’t believe in God, haven’t been to church in fifteen years, am not particularly friendly, and, I think we can all agree, pretty close to be a full-fledged dick.

For Fun: Bible study.

Not so much.

Favorite Hot Spots: Church.

I think you can see where this is going.

Faith: I am a follower of Jesus Christ and he is my personal savior.

Aaaaand Yahtzee! Is that how you get Yahtzee? Three messages of devotion in less that five sentences? I don’t know, it’s been a while since I played.

The point is this, that while this lovely woman would make someone a perfectly delightful mate, that someone is most decidedly not me. Or anyone like me. And I’m sure she’d be the first to agree.

Which is why I again have to ask…

How is This My Match?!?