So many dating websites, so little time…and threshold for rejection. Which site is right for you? Read on, young dater…

Later I'm going to stab her with a knife...

eHarmony: If you’re a serial killer who’s looking for the most efficient way to meet other serial killers, then eHarmony is the place for you. According to their website, they use 29 dimensions of personality to match you with someone based on deep compatibility, which is about as unintelligible as a sentence can get. But I think it means no more dates with a highway sniper when you’re far more of the lure someone back to your apartment and use their skin for a bath mat type.

Look, I know normal people on eHarmony – but the site is so marriage driven and labor intensive that it creeps me out. Before you get matched with anyone you have to fill out an endless questionnaire and answer countless inane questions about what you value and who you zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz whoops, I just fell asleep. The point is – people on there aren’t fucking around. For some that means they’d love to get married in the next six months, for others it means they want to put your head in their freezer. If either appeals to you, then by all means head on over…

Your OKCupid archetype. They should just call it OKCera.

OKCupid: Do you kinda want to date and kinda have a distraction from your temp job at a graphic design house? Then OKCupid will be a-OK with you. I know several people who’ve tried the site, and they all say the exact same thing: “I was on there for a few weeks and no one ever wrote to me.” That’s what happens when you market something to young urban hipsters who are far too ironic for an enterprise as earnestly square as computer dating, or you know…”love.” But if the thrift store PBR drinker who may or may not have showered today and may or may not have sheets on his bed is your type, then OKCupid is the place to find them. I’ve tried the site a couple of times myself and managed a date or two, but also had an inordinate amount of two email exchanges that fizzled out. I would say that could be my fault, but, well, I’m terribly charming.

Nerve.com: The site for getting laid. I of course would never do something as crass and callous as arrange an Internet dare for the sole purpose of having the sex, but if I did, Nerve would be the place I’d start. Actually, Nerve is their abbreviated name, the full one is “you’ve got a lot of NERVE thinking we’re going to go on a date and then not have sex in the bathroom because there’s only so much time in the day. Why aren’t we having sex already?!” You can see why they went with the shorter name. Kinda wordy.

Classic Nerve profile question: “In my bedroom, you’ll find…” Risque!

Cupidtino: A dating website for Mac lovers. Yes, as in the computer. No, I am not making that up.

Single!

Singles420: A dating website for pot smokers. No, I also am not making that up. I wonder how much crossover there is between Cupidtino and Singles 420 users? I’m guessing a fair amount.

Lavalife: The gold standard of pay-as-you-go dating sites. On Lavalife, every email and instant message costs you credits, which you buy in bulk at your leisure. It’s a good site with plenty of normal (looking AND acting!) people, and I recommend it. The only problem is the pay system. By charging you every time you communicate with someone, Lavalife subtly discourages activity on the site. You look at someone and think, “she seems cool, but is she really worth a whole credit? I don’t know…”, when really the site should be doing everything they can to get members to talk and make the site more happenin’. (The apostrophe denotes hipness.) I don’t know, maybe it doesn’t discourage anyone else and I’m just cheap. Did I mention that I’m single?

A girl I met on Plenty of Fish last week.

Plenty of Fish: It’s free! And because of that they have over 16 million unique visitors a month. They also have an interface that looks a lot like ColecoVision from 25 years ago.

The sheer numbers on Plenty of Fish are impressive, so there must be an abundance of quality folks there – it’s just that the whole thing kinda looks like crap. Their profile questions are ridiculously simplistic (“do you do drugs?” “do you have a car?”), and result in a lot of bland, uninformative answers. The site has such an air of, well… sadness that I doubt even Brad Pitt could make a positive impression. Especially if you’ve seen Cool World. BOOM – pointless Brad Pitt dig. Moving on…

Match.com: Are you white and a little bit boring? Are you pursuing a degree in social work or living near your parents on Staten Island? Then I think you’re probably already on Match, whether you know it or not.

The Winklevii would be make great Match members.

Obviously Match is my preferred destination, even though all I’ve really gotten out of my experience with it is one under-read blog that is littered with typos. BUT – their pay system makes sense. Sign up for a month, three months, or six months and send as many emails, IMs , and stupid winky things as you like. It’s the most popular dating website, which means 20 million unique visits per month – only about 1 million of which are me. They send you matches, recommend five people per day, and regularly remind you that you’re a doofus if you’re not writing someone immediately. All good things.

The only drawback to Match is the dull whitey factor. For as many people as they claim to have signed up, a lot of them seem pretty similar. Very straight-laced, very middle of the road. There’s not a lot of outside the box going on on Match. In fact, they’re inside the box with the lid tightly closed and the lights turned off to save on electricity. But that just makes it easier for dynamic types like you and me to stand out even easier. Right? Right.

Now how big is your head? I wanna make sure it will fit in my freezer…