The way to stay out of trouble with serial killers is to avoid being brought to a second location. It’s Serial Killer 101. Let ‘em abduct you, fine, but the real problems start when they toss you in their van. That’s how you end up in somebody’s basement at the bottom of a hole getting told to rub lotion all over the place – going to that second location. First dates, however, are quite the opposite. On a first date, the one thing you’re hoping will happen – the sure sign that success is underway – is that the two of you move to a second locale. Makeouts can be misleading, arguments can be inconclusive, awkwardness can go one way or the other – but you know for certain where you stand when one of you says “Hey, you wanna get out of here?” That’s when you got a good date on your hands. Unless…you’re out on a date with a serial killer. Then I don’t know what to tell ya…
I met Katie, and right away, the commonality was almost alarming. She reviewed movies for a living, I watched movies like it was my job. She used to be on the Food Network, I also watched the Food Network like it was my job. (Please no one tell my actual job.) She had great cleavage, I was great at looking at cleavage — it was a match made in heaven. But most of all, she made me laugh. Not easy to do, for sure, but within minutes of meeting Katie, she had me in stitches. Some of it was her eccentric nature, she was hopping in and out of her seat every few minutes, ordering coffee, changing her order, considering some pie, asking about pie options, deciding she didn’t want pie at all. It was a little like dating a coke addict (in the most endearing possible way), but the last thing she needed was more coffee. I get a kick out of quirk though, and Katie had plenty to go around. And she seemed equally enthused about me. She laughed at all my jokes, even the bad ones, and told me it was the best date she had been on in a long time. After a good ninety minutes of laughs, she told me, unfortunately, she had to go, and that’s when she dropped the line…
“Wanna go see Mission Impossible 4?”
Not in a week, not in a day, but right friggin’ now. Katie was, as I said, a movie reviewer, and that night she had a movie to review. It was Mission Impossible 4, and as I’ve always had an interest in free climbing Middle Eastern skyscrapers, I was intrigued. But more than wanting to see the movie, I was pleased that we had entered the hallowed second location realm. It’s a notable step, mostly because it’s such an unnecessary one. Even if you’re having a great evening, it’s easy enough to see a person another time. In fact, it’s probably advisable. No need to go overboard on a first meeting with someone who’s pretty darn close to being a stranger. But moving to another place, either a new bar or out for a walk or – for the floozies in the house – someone’s apartment, suggests real excitement. Fondness even. A feeling of “I’m not ready for this to end just yet.” It’s a great feeling, and one that’s very rarely acted on, in my experience. Which is why I loved it when Katie offered, and it really hurt when I had to say “no.”
Sadly, I had a deadline the next morning, and deadlines don’t care about cleavage. So we parted ways, with plans to hang out soon. Just to make sure she didn’t think I was blowing her off, I texted Katie after the movie, telling her I was very happy to meet her and wished I could’ve taken her up on her offer of short people and Scientology. All was well, and a good thing had clearly begun.
After a few jokey texts back and forth, I asked her a few days later when we could hang out again. It took her 24 hours to respond. That was the first sign. When someone waits 24 hours to respond to a date request, they might as well wait 24,000, because you probably already have your answer. The text that I received in response, however, was even more conclusive.
“Hey, I’m really sorry, but I’ve met someone else and things have gotten quite serious. You’re a really nice guy though, best of luck to you!”
WHAT? You’ve met somebody else and things have gotten quite serious…in seven days?! Does he have a time machine that let you go back in time like a month, allowing you a plausible opportunity to actually get serious? Or wait, is he on death row and you’re trying to speed things up just in case he doesn’t get clemency? Maybe she was doing a new kind of speed dating that doesn’t just apply to the first meeting but the entire relationship, so after 15 minutes they were already meeting each other’s parents? Look, I don’t mind getting blown off, I really don’t. Believe me, I’ve got plenty of practice. But isn’t it better for all involved if we just do it honestly? Just, you know, for dignity’s sake?And how exactly did we go from unnecessary movie invite to you pulling the “mysterious other man” routine a few days later?
Guys know what “I met someone else” means, it means “I want to meet someone else, other than you.” So why beat around the bush? Or, let’s assume Katie wasn’t lying. Let’s assume that she had been seeing someone previous to going out with me, and that things were going pretty well. That makes sense, I can buy that. Then, after meeting me, she decided she felt more strongly about the other dude. Wouldn’t blame her one bit. I probably feel more strongly about the other dude too. Then why invite me to the movie? Why introduce a further destination if there’s another guy you’re into? It’s just…well…it’s just a little silly. I don’t mind if you don’t like me, but can we keep the not liking me to just one location? It makes it a lot easier to understand.
Now I gotta rethink my whole stance on serial killers.