Every Halloween, I think back to this email. I often wonder where the author is now, and if he’s killed anyone yet. It’s got that special level of crazy that is so specific, so genuine, that you can’t tell whether to laugh, cry, or run. It wasn’t sent to me, it was sent to one of my readers, in a segment I used to run frequently called Your Awful Story Olympics. It featured your dating stories, but your dating stories haven’t been as fun lately, I guess maybe you’re all too sane. Or maybe you didn’t feel like you could live up to this, The Scariest Email I’ve Ever Received. Enjoy, and Happy Halloween.

Here’s Johnny’s Email!

There will be only one Awful Story Olympic Medal this month, kids. When you read it, you’ll understand why.  In my months of writing this site and years of Internet dating personally, I have never encountered an email so bizarre, insulting, and borderline terrifying. Actually, it’s the perfect email for Halloween week. Like any good horror flick, it starts out strange, a little bit eery, but you tell yourself not to worry. It’s just an email. Then, as it picks up steam, you can feel the hairs on the back of your neck start to stand up, and you make sure to flip a few more lights on in the house. Finally, when the climax arrives, you’re so freaked out you’re locking the front door and checking for the monster hiding under your bed. It’s just that upsetting. To this month’s other entrants, don’t worry, you’ll be back in the running in November. Sadly, this month, you never stood a chance.

The Gold

An email received by Kelly A. in the Bay area. Keep in mind, she’s a nurse…

Hello,

I’m interested in an email correspondence.

I see you only want to go 25 miles for a boyfriend. We’re about 110 miles apart. We can discuss the distance through email further if it is your main concern of yours, (I don’t mean to sound like this is a business contract) I’ll start with this:

1. If you spend $40 a trip once a month for the day, the weekend, whatever, you’d spend about $480 in a year running back and forth. Possibly less depending on the kind of car you drive. I would come down of course too.

2. I feel like there is something wrong with the guys in the valley/bay area otherwise they’d already be taken. The reason I’m not taken, hardly anyone is willing to go the distance. Even from the Modesto, Stockton area.

3. We can discuss initial dating and how that could work through email if this is a concern of yours. We could meet in Tracy for an initial meeting. Then I’d be willing to come to San Ramon for a couple of half-day type dates. This plan isn’t set in stone but I’m trying to say you wouldn’t have to spend much money on travel in the course of getting to know me.

4. If the relationship worked out I have quite a bit of flexibility (when I can take time off work) and I can often come for 3 or 4 day weekends.

5. I’ve been doing this online dating thing for about three years off and on and I see the same women come on here again and again, I doubt you will find anyone in your area.

The reason I haven’t emailed you is because of your dog. I don’t usually email anyone with a dog. I don’t have a fenced yard. I live on a steep hill and it gets too cold to leave dog’s outside at night where I’m at. Do you have a relative you could drop that dog off with when you would come to visit me?

I’m from Fremont and my parents still have a condo there. I could stay in it during initial dating.

I think one of the reasons you don’t want to go very far for a boyfriend is because you won’t get the same pay elsewhere.

The other major problem is that I don’t want to move. In my town, (by the way my county has about 60,000 full time residents) is Sonora Regional Hospital, which is a four story tall hospital, (and relatively new building). Also, Adventist Health hospital, where they hire RN’s starting at close to $40 an hour and they’ll hire you on part time as little as two days a week. Which would work pretty well in the event of a kid. Even if you couldn’t get medical insurance with two days a week, I don’t think the cost of medical insurance is an insurmountable obstacle. If this scenario were to work out, I would take care of the kid the two days a week you’re working, we wouldn’t drop it off in daycare or anything.

They recently changed the law on medical rates and men and women now have to pay the same rate (in the same age groups) and my rate went up to $114 a month from $100 a month. This is Blue Cross, but I’m on the $3500 plan which means I have to pay the first $3500 in medical expenses cumulative for the year every year but I get blue cross’s negotiated rate. Up until a year and a half ago I was on the $40 copay plan but the Obama care thing increased costs immediately (for several reasons) and my rate went from $160 to $217 a month and I rarely go to any type of doctor so it didn’t make sense for me to be on that plan anymore. Even these are surmountable costs if you could work like two days a week.

My neighbor is an accountant at Sonora Regional and he’s been there over 20 years. Recently I was discussing the feasibility of an experienced RN getting a job at Sonora regional. In the case of a girl friend moving to me. He said It’s a little harder now than a couple of years ago. He mentioned you could still probably get in after about a two-month wait. He mentioned most of the nurses only work two or three days a week. If we were to begin a relationship we could discuss this with my neighbor very early on in the relationship.

If my income bothers you, we can discuss that further through email. I’ve gotten in trouble before bragging to women on here about how much money I can make in a day. The problem is that you’re in a higher income bracket. If I continue making money at the rate I’m going for the rest of the year I’ll be at about 88,000 pre tax profit for the year and I have down time too. The last two weeks of June were very slow.

I don’t expect your email response to be this long and my future emails won’t be this long.

Hope to hear back from you soon,

Creepiest Motherfucker On The Face of The Earth

I’ve never written a post about what not to say in a first email, because really, where would I begin? But now I see. This is where I begin.

So…ahem…here we go.

When Writing a First Email, What Shouldn’t You Do?

1. Tell the person it will probably cost them $500 to date you.
2. Suggest, right off the bat, several half-day dates in a city your date doesn’t live in.
3. Tell your date you doubt she will find anyone better in her area.
4. Ask your date to please leave her dog elsewhere for the many, as of yet unplanned, weekends spent at your house.
5. Admit that while one of you will certainly have to move to have a relationship together, state plainly that you will not be moving anywhere.
6. Bring up the potential of you two having a kid.
7. You know what, let’s do that one again. Bring up the potential of you two having a kid.
8. Spend an entire paragraph explaining the intricacies of your current health insurance payment structure.
9. Imply, or basically outright declare, that you have asked your neighbor about the feasibility of your date – someone you have never met, spoken to, or can even conclusively prove exists – getting a job at the hospital in your town.
10. Try to comfort your date by telling her that she too could speak to said neighbor.
11. Tell your date that you’ve gotten into trouble in the past by bragging about your salary.
12. Immediately follow that by bragging about your salary.
13. And, just for old time’s sake, bring up the potential of you two having a kid.

So there you go. Those are the 13 things you shouldn’t do in a first email. I’m sorry I didn’t list them earlier. I feel I’ve let you all down.

God bless you, Kate in the Bay area. I hope to heaven you have your front door securely locked.

Have a story that’s even 10% as awful as that one? Send them to It’s Not a Match here! 

“You’re crazy, man. You’re crazy.”