“Damn it, why isn’t Brian picking up?!”

You know that feeling you have when you’re separated from your cellphone for an extended period of time? Like, maybe the battery dies and you don’t have your charger, or you leave for work in the morning and accidentally leave it sitting on the kitchen counter? You notice it’s missing and instantly you’re terrified. “Oh my God. What if important people call? I’m gonna miss them. There are probably super important people calling me right now and I can’t answer! Sure, I could check my messages remotely, or… a more technologically advanced version of myself could check them remotely, but what about texts?! There’s no way to check texts! There could be a text-based emergency right now and I’ll never know! I just hope nobody’s dying. I’m so sorry, Mom. If you’re dying and I’m missing your call, I’ll say something really nice at your funeral. And I’ll never forget my phone again. I promise!” And then you get home, run to your telephone and find… zero messages. No voicemails, no texts, not even a pathetic little missed call. You’d kill for a missed call, even if it was just a reminder to pick up your dry cleaning. That’s what it’s like when you leave online dating for a while. You take a break from Match or OkCupid for one reason or another, and think in the back of your mind, “I bet some pretty amazing people are checking me out.” I mean, you’ve been gone so long, there must be a whole slew of knockouts, just waiting breathlessly for your grand reentry. Right? Riiiight? And then you sign back in, and, well…not so much.

As I am currently with girlfriend, I haven’t logged in to any dating site in quite a while. In fact, before this week, I hadn’t checked out a single profile all year. And you have no idea how many years it’s been since I’ve been able to say that. Sorry, did I say years? I meant centuries. I literally think it was last century. So when I popped onto OkCupid yesterday to see if it had any interesting matches for me, in the back of my mind I thought there might be a gem or two hiding out. Don’t get me wrong, my girlfriend’s great. I have no interest in anyone else, but just like that cellphone you leave sitting in your apartment, you imagine there’s an action-packed world out there that has noticed your absence. And that is what I thought when I clicked on this fine young lady that OkCupid had selected for me since I last checked in.

34 year-old woman

seeking men 25-58

Not bad. You can’t tell due to my expert photo editing, but she’s actually quite cute. And she lives in Los Angeles and is in my desired age rage. That’s a pretty remarkable trifecta, considering some of the women OkCupid has tried to set me up with in the past. So I read on…

SELF SUMMARY: I am lola , a fun loving outgoing girl! I love to travel a lot so I frequently go to places in Arizona, Texas and of course Vegas to visit friends and shit!

Alrighty, not sure we really needed the “and shit” in there, but hey, she’s just expressing enthusiasm, right? I get that. I’m enthusiastic about things. I mean, I’m not, but I understand the notion. And I love Vegas, so let’s see what else Lola has to say.

I’M REALLY GOOD AT: Doing nothing! lazy bitch iam! guys do everything for me plz!:)

Hmmm. OK. Not ideal. But maybe she’s making a joke. That’s what the smiley face thingy means, right? That she knows she’s making a ridiculous joke and that it’s obviously quite off-putting to call yourself a lazy bitch even in jest on a dating site. Yes. I’m confident in that. Just a joke!

THE SIX THINGS I COULD NEVER DO WITHOUT: my kids, sex, music, parties, shops, my dog, $$$$$$$$$$$$$$

That’s only 14 dollar signs, because 15 might seem shallow. And good news, Lola’s kids, you beat out sex on the list of things your mom can’t do without! And you’re a whole five places ahead of the dog. Huzzah!

I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT: rough anal sex.

Uh oh.

THE MOST PRIVATE THING I’M WILLING TO ADMIT: love anal sex. Pain and calling name.

Double uh oh. Not sure what calling name is, but judging by the context it can’t be good.

YOU SHOULD MESSAGE ME IF: I’m just looking for something casual (only anal) on the side.

Nothing says casual like…

Now wait a second. You’re just looking for something casual, ONLY ANAL, on the side?! How, pray tell, does one have casual sex in the rear end? Isn’t a penis in your rectum like the definition of not casual? “Oh you know, just hanging around, throwing on some sweatpants, watching a little House Hunters, I don’t know, maybe later I’ll toss a dick up my butt. You know, just a casual evening at home.” Who is looking for only casual anal sex? That’s like looking for only vegetarian cheeseburgers. It’s kinda antithetical, is it not? I haven’t had a lot of anal sex, but my understanding is it’s a pretty rigid, premeditated experience. I mean, you need lube, cleanliness, a certain degree of personal comfort, 911 on speed dial. That’s about as casual as a Dexter murder scene. And is this really a necessary warning to hand out before you’ve even started conversing? I’m sorry, I’m only looking for something casual and relaxed right now. You know, dicks in butts only. So don’t come at me with all your vagina and relationship-related desires. I’ve got a dog, shopping, money, oh, and kids to focus on, so all I really have time for is anal. Gotta run!

And never have I been happier to have met my girlfriend. Because I never look at her and say… How is This My Match?!