As we all know, Internet dating can be a risky endeavor, and not just romantically. I mean, it’s one of the few romantic pursuits where ending up stabbed is a realistic possibility, so it’s wise to take care. To this end, Match has put together a list of helpful and informative safety tips, and I think it’s about time we went through them together. Of course, security isn’t a concern for me – I’m a pretty big guy, and have taken several classes in HoKung Ru, the Chinese art of running away at the first sign of danger. But I worry about you, my reader. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you guys because, well, there really aren’t enough of you to spare. So, with my daily page view numbers in mind, let’s get to the safety tips. First off…Fraud.

Oh, well it makes so much sense when you say it like that! I’ve just been walking up to people and handing out my bank statements, willy nilly. Am I not supposed to do that? I just feel like it’s hard to really know a woman until she’s seen my 401K, you know? And no, that’s not a euphemism. If it were, I’d be 5.5K, at best. At BEST.

“Sorry Mom, it sounds like you’re in a real bind down at Jose’s Last Chance Auto Repair, but I just can’t wire you any cash. Match.com strictly forbids it. I mean, how do I know you’re not just claiming to be in an emergency? What? Yeah, Match.com, the dating site. They handle all my financial security nowadays.”

You know that guy you just met online who you won’t tell your last name or your home state or where you went to college or the number of apartments in your building or whether or not you have a roommate? Well don’t tell him your Social Security number either. Got it?

Alright, now we’re getting to the nitty gritty. Although, I will say that if I ended every Match email exchange every time I felt unsafe or threatened, I would’ve made it to like three dates total.

Who’s checking their online dating account on a public computer? “Yeah, I’m just gonna swing by the Mac store and see if I can’t pick out a few honeys to email on Match. Right where everyone can see me, just to cement my wacko loser status.” Internet dating sites are one step away from pornography on the shame spectrum. No one’s doing that shit at the public library. Come on…

All this time I’ve had government resources available to me? Is that how they caught Bin Laden?

Also, no need to worry, Match. If I was in such a hurry to meet people offline I wouldn’t be shelling out $30 for your site, now would I do? Meeting people offline is when they become real, which is obviously terrifying. Thanks anyway, though…

And suddenly all my unreturned messages are explained…

So let me get this straight. You want to ban from Match everyone who is married, offensive, inappropriate, lying, or sending out spam? You realize that’s EVERYONE on Match, right? You kick out all the liars, cheats, and scum bags and you’re gonna be left with two old ladies from Florida and a fake profile someone put up for their dog. And I’m not gonna lie, I’ll take a shot at the old ladies, but I’m not gonna like it. And I’m absolutely not emailing a dog. Again. I’m absolutely not emailing a dog again.

…Remote location?

“So, where would you like to go on our first date?”

“The woods. Deep, deep in the woods.”

If you don’t own a mobile phone, cancel your date and immediately go to buy a mobile phone. Because people without mobile phones are weirdos.

Ha HA. Right. Stay sober on an Internet date! Good one, Match.

“Excuse me, I need to use the restroom for a moment. I’m just gonna bring my coat, and my hat, and my umbrella, and my cell phone, and my bag. Oh, and my drink. And the napkin with my drink, and the swizzle stick too. Back in a jiffy!”

And suddenly, all my unexplained restraining orders are explained.

Wait a second, what?! WHAT??!! Long Distance Meetings? People are going on LONG DISTANCE MEETINGS? Are you insane? I hereby take back every snarky, obnoxious thing I have said about Match’s safety tips. I had no idea how necessary they are.

Though I think we could simplify this whole section with the following safety suggestion:

LONG DISTANCE MEETINGS

Don’t go on them, you fucking lunatic.

End of story.

Safe dating, everyone!