One of my favorite features on Match.com is The Daily 5. The D5 is a list compiled for you everyday of five profiles that you absolutely, positively must see. They are reported to be your “perfect matches,” a group selected using a “unique set of algorithms,” based on your preferences, profile, and rating of previous Daily 5 choices. Also, without fail, the selections are entirely insane.

No, not my favorite.

Certainly you’re familiar with this phenomenon, when Netflix suggests a movie they’re sure you’ll like, and you’re so offended that you want to call the company to complain. “No, I would not absolutely love Pootie Tang, thank you very much!” Or Amazon recommends The Hotel for Dogs soundtrack, based on your previous shopping selections. TiVo has been recording any and everything starring Noah Wylie for me for years, and I can’t figure out how to make it stop. It’s maddening, and it’s a little insulting. “Is this really what you think of me, inanimate electronic object?!”

So now I have decided to fight back. The Daily 5 has been suggesting such ridiculous people that it’s time shed some light on this dirty little secret: it has no fucking idea what it’s doing. I can’t remember the last time I clicked “like” next to a D5 suggestion, much less emailed one of the lunatics it foisted upon me. My criteria are pretty broad: a woman in her mid 20’s to late 30’s, any race, any height, most body types, who lives near me and went to college. That’s it. What do I get? 75 year-old divorcees who live in Cincinnati and can’t spell “can’t.” Or an emaciated 18 year-old who’s into “fashion and trees.”

Today I’m introducing a new feature on It’s Not a Match, called “How is This My Match.” Each time The Daily 5 makes a deranged recommendation, I’ll post it here, starting with the fine lady below. As always, my intention is not to mock the people themselves, just the idea that they’re right for me. I’m sure they have a match out there, but it ain’t me. It really really ain’t.

So seriously…How is This My Match?!

63 year old woman
Pennsylvania, United States

seeking men 55-70
within 25 miles of Pennsylvania, United States

Profile: I am a fairly old fashioned lady with a good sense of humor who is looking for a good loyal friend/companion. I love ballroom dancing, but ‘old fashion’ dancing is okay too. Most of my friends are married or in relationships, and I enjoy sharing in their activities. However, I miss being part of ‘a couple’. I miss out on many things as I feel uncomfortable being the fifth wheel.

So…Ballroom dancing and “old-fashioned” dancing are different things now? Because to me, when I think old-fashioned dancing, ballrooms jump pretty readily to mind. What’s a truly old-fashioned dance then, clutching a picture of John Quincy Adams while you sway slowly from side to side? And what’s the Dougie? Future dancing?

But on the positive side, most of my friends are in relationships too!

For Fun: Dancing – enjoy Ballroom dances; sewing, knitting, crocheting for gifts and charity

Has a more a senior citizen sentence ever been written? I defy you, Daily 5, to show me anything in my profile that seems akin to crocheting for charity. Oh, also, I’m not 55-70 living within 25 miles of anything in Pennsylvania.

Favorite Things: Dancing with the Stars; do NOT like reality TV shows.

If there’s one unifying characteristic in this fine lady’s profile, it seems to be the love of dance. The last time I danced, people died. She doesn’t need that. And oh, by the way, Dancing with the Stars is a reality show.

How is this my match?!