Honestly, I don’t know what to do. For seven months we’ve done the Awful Story Olympics, and for seven months we’ve had definitive Gold, Silver, and Bronze medal winners. And by “winners”, I mean people got to see a picture of a medal pasted next to their story of disaster and personal humiliation, so, you know, more like losers. But still, the champion was always clear. This month however, you guys have really stepped up the level of tragedy, and I’m not sure how to score things.

Your stories have really gotten bad. I mean, what’s worse, an email that probably came from a serial killer, or a totally inappropriate request for a threesome? No idea. And can either of them beat a date that devolves into that most erotic of topics: the validity of the Catholic religion? I really don’t know. So I’ve decided to break the rules/be a total wuss this month and award… Three Gold Medals! Honestly, I don’t think I had any other choice. I’m sure you’ll agree…

The Gold #1

B, 

I found this guy on a different site, Plenty of Fish to be exact, and he seemed ok online… worked in the IT industry, well-travelled, cute etc. 

So we decided to meet for dinner. Everything was going fine, I would’ve given it an 8 out of 10, when all of a sudden out of no where he starts telling me the story about how he fell in love with his ex-girlfriend IN THE THIRD PERSON! Ahem…

“Mike worked on a cruise ship.”

“Mike met a girl on the ship.

“Mike started dating the girl,” etc…

Seriously, he went on for AT LEAST 20 minutes like this. Then, he proceeded to tell me that his ex was going to visit him for 2 weeks, but not to worry because nothing was going to happen.

Me: Well nobody plans on things happening, they just kinda happen.
Him: Well, you could join us?

Annnnd date over.

Yup, I got propositioned for a threesome on my first date by a guy who speaks in the third person. Ridiculous! -Chrissy, Canada

I would’ve been out of there the second he said “Mike worked on a cruise ship.” Not because of the third person, which admittedly is creepy, but because of the CRUISE SHIP. The only people who work on cruise ships are drifters who are running low on cash and mass murders. It’s been proven. In fact, season six of Dexter will shed light on this reality when he gets a job organizing the buffets on a Carnival Cruise out of Miami Beach.

One other note: only a woman would list “works in the IT Industry” and “well-travelled” as the reasons to date someone. You ever heard a guy say “I met this girl who’s great with computers and constantly wants to go on trips. I think I’m in love!”? No, you haven’t.

And finally, don’t use Plenty of Fish. Onto to the second Gold!

The Gold #2

From loyal reader, Emily P.,

Love your site, makes me feel like I’m not the only one ending up on dates with psychos!

I got this email a few months ago, and it ranks up there with maybe the worst thing I’ve ever tried to decipher:

~!*~**HeLLLo0 M!Sz~?!?~~* 

How did the Easter hoLidAy go 4 yA~!?~ 
Discover any loSt eggs N~ the yArd~? Welll neiTher did I`… maTTer oFv faCtly ,I` went kaYaking on WiLson’s Creek on the big dAy ~&~ was surpriSed that moSt ofv my friends had REAL planz on the holidAy~! 
~!*!~*AnYyyY~*wAy*~*!~* 
I` genU!nLy hOpe ~U~ enJoyed *U’r~ EaSter,,, but aFter reAding 
aboUt cHa…. 
feLt liKe WE,., woUld hAve had an even n!Cerrrr time oVer the hoL!dAy iF only we hAd met eaCh oTher so0oner thAn later~!* 
JuSt feLt compeLed 2 wriTe yA N~ hopes ofv leArning so muCh mOre aboUt 
the LuOVeLy FlowWer thAt I` see here B~4 me~~*!*~ 
I` bet we hAve mOre N~common than either ofv us hAve yet 2 find. 
*;>) 
I`’m very oPen, HoneSt ~&~ genU!nLy lOOking 4 soMe~1 thAt is searching 4 an eXploS!ve, vibrAnt relationship thAt wiLL aCtuaLy laSt so0 much loNger thAn “oUr” previous 
onez did~! I` thiNk thAt cAme oUt riGht~? 
Either orrr 
WiLL ~U~ shAre sOme oFv *U’r~ coLors dear ~& teLL me more 
aboUt cHa~??~ 
*U’r~ new friend 
WoLfgAng Ke!Th
*************************CHEEEERRRsZz**~*!!!~*~*!~*****!!~*** 
but ~UUu~ can 
call me 
WoLf!eee 
*~*!*!*!~*!*~!*~*~*~***~!*!!*!*!*~*~**~**~!**!!**!*!*~~**!*!*!*~**~**!*~*~***

Good God. There’s something so uncomfortable about a person who uses arbitrary cApITal LeTTerS. It’s about the craziest thing you could do. If you wrote Charlie Manson a note with random letters capitalized, he’d write you back saying, “Dude, get some therapy or something, because you’re creeping me out.”

My original thesis was going to be that if the guy had written this exact message in a normal syntax without all the strange asterisk drawings then Emily may have actually responded, but then I got to his name. Wolfgang Keith. Nobody’s going out with a guy named Wolfgang Keith.

The Gold #3

I officially experienced the most horrific match date.

I walk in the door and he looks halfway decent. BUZZ KILL he was shorter than me. I am sorry, that is a date breaker. 

Anyway, we got to talking….he wasn’t funny AT ALL. I mean I can usually crack a joke with SOMEBODY. No, he was dry as the fucking desert. Since he had no sense of humor I assumed he would like talking politics or religion. I then said ” Yea, I am Christian not like those bad “sects” such as Lutherans or Catholics. This was pure sarcasm here. Holy fuck I opened a can of worms. For 45 minutes he grilled me on why Catholicism was the “only” religion, then he said ” you obviously don’t do your research”. I have gone to religious school my whole life. I don’t know how to argue with someone as crazy as that.

So, I just got up and said ” You are weird” and walked out. I deleted his number and de friended him from facebook.

The next day he emailed me this…

Lauren,

If you reply back to this I’ll be surprised but I wanted to make a few things very clear. First, you shouldn’t be surprised that the way that things went because you are just plain RUDE! NORMAL individuals don’t meet someone for the first time and insult their beliefs and then follow it up with “I hope I offended you. Because that’s what I do.” My point about doing your research was merely this. When Christianity began, the ONLY “sect” that existed was Catholocism. You, who adhere to the inspired book, the TRUE book that was compiled by inspired writings and inspired individuals IS Catholic WITH 72 books. Do you think Jesus passed on His new church to someone and hope that within 1500 years that someone was going to change it? That doesn’t seem correct does it?

The final book in its entirety was completed in 397 A.D. Who decided what was in it? Catholic bishops and men like St. Jerome, a man who we honor as dedicating his life, although imperfect since he was human, to Christ and the church. (Note to reader: Feel free to skip ahead here. He’s going nowhere, trust me.) So if you want to completely do away with Catholic traditions and influences, reading the Bible isn’t really for you. This is what I meant by “Do your research” which clearly offended you. So, since you decided to be on the offensive and say nasty things to me, I just figured I’d be tactful and tell you why you were wrong. No one who claims to be Christian and uses the Bible as their base can really “hate” the Catholic church because if they did, had ALL their facts straight and are being just in their decisions, they’d have to abandon their own religion because Catholicism is the foundation of every Christian belief. I knew I was being reckless with the way I was talking with you but I was only talking to you so that you might actually hear me. At this point, I didn’t care if I offended you either. Furthermore, it was you that brought up religion more than once. You chose that. I’m not going to sit idle and let you tell me what I believe is “the other bad one”. Normal people who are sensitive about other people don’t do that. You are apparently not “normal” or not “sensitive” to others. Neither one can I tolerate. I would never tell you that your choice of religion was bad IF you believed that Christ is the center of it. I do NOT hold people responsible for the type of religion they were born into but when provoked, I act and speak my mind. I do not think that only Catholics go to Heaven either for God is fair in His judgment. I’m just not going to let you tell me with seemingly absolute certainty and even arrogance about things you obviously really know very little about. The truth hurts I’m sure. Your overpowering ego was way too much for me to handle as well. I’m glad that you took the initiative to delete me as your “friend”. Talking about religion and politics is only your favorite thing to do if the other person agrees with you but unfortunately we couldn’t even be civil because of your narrow-mindedness. Tell me where I’m going wrong. If you can prove anything that I said is untrue, including what you meant or how I quoted you, I’d like to hear it. Since you can’t, I don’t expect an email back

Joe

This tops all dates. 

Actually, Lauren, no it does not. It ties two others. Go with God!

Want your shot at the Gold? Send me your awful stories here!