This weekend, The Financial Times and Slate got together to praise Match for its fancy-shmancy compatibility algorithms. (Thanks to loyal reader Andrew who sent along the tip!) Read it if you wish, but the basic thrust of the piece is “I know matching people up online based on their preferences and browsing history must be really hard, but Match totally knocks it out of the park!” Which insults me, because here on It’s Not a Match, we have a little segment called “How Is This My Match?” that proves beyond a doubt that Match is absolutely not knocking it out of the park. And I don’t know any editors at The Financial Times or Slate, but I assumed they spent pretty much all their downtime reading my website. So this has come as quite a shock to me. (Thanks to loyal reader Andrew retracted!)
But hey, maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe Match has been recommending some really great people and I’m just being a jerk about it. (Wouldn’t be the first time.) Obviously The Financial Times and Slate think so, and they’re soooooo smart, so…I don’t know. You tell me. Do you think this lady that I found in my Daily 5, is a good fit for me? Keep in mind, I don’t like dogs.
Or crazy people.
30 year-old woman
New York, United States
seeking men 25-35
within 25 miles of New York, United States
This woman has eleven photos in her profile. All of them are with her dog. ALL OF THEM. As you can see, some are dog candid shots, some are dog posed shots, some are borderline dog pornographic shots, but every last motherfucking one of them is a dog shot. That’s a lot. We all love our pets, but if you’re never pictured without yours I’m gonna start to worry that it’s surgically attached. Or conjoined, in some sort of freakish, inter-species Siamese twin disaster. Or that you’re a weirdo.
In her words…
What She’s Looking For: MUST LOVE ANIMALS! I love hanging at home and going to dinner with my dog. We are missing something…Do you know what that may be?
Alright, look. You can not write that you love going to dinner with your dog in a dating profile. You just can’t. Because that makes it sound like every night at 7, you and your dog choose a restaurant…”Maybe the amusing French place that just opened in the Village? Or hey – how about kabobs?! When’s the last time we did kabobs?!”… and then you put on your dress and your dog puts on his little doggy suit and you guys go out and have a nice dinner together. And when the check comes he always snatches it up before you, and then you quibble over how much to leave for tip. That’s what it sounds like when you say you love going to dinner with your dog, and that’s insane. So don’t do that.
Also, I would avoid saying “we are missing something”, when talking about the absence of a man in your life. Because that kinda makes it sound like you and your dog are already a couple and together you’re looking for a man to add that extra little something to complete the union. And that’s weird because, you know, you’re a human being, and he’s a fucking dog.
And lastly, you don’t really have to say “MUST LOVE ANIMALS.” We pieced that together by this point. And if we hadn’t, here’s a bunch more pictures…
Oh, and did I mention that I like cats? Cat person…paired up with the biggest dog person in the world. Nice work, algorithms.
So Financial Times, I have one question for you: How is this my match?