Idiots.
This weekend, The Financial Times and Slate got together to praise Match for its fancy-shmancy compatibility algorithms. (Thanks to loyal reader Andrew who sent along the tip!) Read it if you wish, but the basic thrust of the piece is “I know matching people up online based on their preferences and browsing history must be really hard, but Match totally knocks it out of the park!” Which insults me, because here on It’s Not a Match, we have a little segment called “How Is This My Match?” that proves beyond a doubt that Match is absolutely not knocking it out of the park. And I don’t know any editors at The Financial Times or Slate, but I assumed they spent pretty much all their downtime reading my website. So this has come as quite a shock to me. (Thanks to loyal reader Andrew retracted!)
But hey, maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe Match has been recommending some really great people and I’m just being a jerk about it. (Wouldn’t be the first time.) Obviously The Financial Times and Slate think so, and they’re soooooo smart, so…I don’t know. You tell me. Do you think this lady that I found in my Daily 5, is a good fit for me? Keep in mind, I don’t like dogs.
Or crazy people.
30 year-old woman
New York, United States
seeking men 25-35
within 25 miles of New York, United States
This woman has eleven photos in her profile. All of them are with her dog. ALL OF THEM. As you can see, some are dog candid shots, some are dog posed shots, some are borderline dog pornographic shots, but every last motherfucking one of them is a dog shot. That’s a lot. We all love our pets, but if you’re never pictured without yours I’m gonna start to worry that it’s surgically attached. Or conjoined, in some sort of freakish, inter-species Siamese twin disaster. Or that you’re a weirdo.
In her words…
What She’s Looking For: MUST LOVE ANIMALS! I love hanging at home and going to dinner with my dog. We are missing something…Do you know what that may be?
Alright, look. You can not write that you love going to dinner with your dog in a dating profile. You just can’t. Because that makes it sound like every night at 7, you and your dog choose a restaurant…”Maybe the amusing French place that just opened in the Village? Or hey – how about kabobs?! When’s the last time we did kabobs?!”… and then you put on your dress and your dog puts on his little doggy suit and you guys go out and have a nice dinner together. And when the check comes he always snatches it up before you, and then you quibble over how much to leave for tip. That’s what it sounds like when you say you love going to dinner with your dog, and that’s insane. So don’t do that.
Also, I would avoid saying “we are missing something”, when talking about the absence of a man in your life. Because that kinda makes it sound like you and your dog are already a couple and together you’re looking for a man to add that extra little something to complete the union. And that’s weird because, you know, you’re a human being, and he’s a fucking dog.
And lastly, you don’t really have to say “MUST LOVE ANIMALS.” We pieced that together by this point. And if we hadn’t, here’s a bunch more pictures…
"I'm looking for a girl who, right before she kisses me, lets her dog lick her lips."
This is clearly a posed, professionally taken picture! She paid someone to take this picture of her sitting her dog in a chair. Are you seeing this?!
Girl: "I love you so much, Doggie." Dog: "Please let me go."
Girl: "I LOVE YOU DOGGIE!!!" Dog: "I need some space."
Alllllmost got one in there without the dog.
Oh, and did I mention that I like cats? Cat person…paired up with the biggest dog person in the world. Nice work, algorithms.
So Financial Times, I have one question for you: How is this my match?
It's Not a Match.com 
Dude…what if she’s blind?
Ha Ha, this issue has been raised by a few folks. it’s clear from her profile that she is definitely not blind. I could offer up my evidence, but I’m trying to leave these people with as much anonymity as possible, so I’ll leave it at that. I’m sure she’s not blind.
Or, at least, 99% sure.
I wish there was a way to say “I don’t like…” on match. I am allergic to cats and generally don’t care for them even when I am not getting splotchy skin and puffy eyes. I wish there was a way to say “I don’t like Cats”. I am sick of coming across women in my daily matches who’s ideal Saturday night is spent hanging out with their 3 cats!
Hiyeee!… Umm, my cat and I want to marry you. We’re both pretty cute, LOL! You’re sooo funny and IMHO we are clearly soul mates (i.e. both lookin’ for love in all the wrong places and both cat people). Jake (he’s my furbaby) never gets jealous of ANY of my boyfriends and he is just a petite little guy so he won’t take up too much room on the bed. Anyways, check out my website: kittysrgiftsfromheaven.com. There are lots of cute pictures ;) Hope to hear from you!!!
I am relieved to report this site doesn’t seem to exist.
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OMFG that has to be one of THE funniest articles I have read in a long, long time. Oh gosh that sounds bad, I know. But how can I actually apologize for find this, pardon me, howlingly funny? ( yikes, was that even worse? probably…).
I really almost could not finish the entire thing I was laughing so hard, so fast. And that’s saying a lot because I have a tongue that is 15′ long. It matches my pinky fingers.
But at least I don’t French kiss my dog. We have an understanding about that and it’s always essentially this: me human, you dog. I’m sorry you got matched with a…I can’t even call her a ‘dog lover’ as that would imply she actually cares about her pet, versus say, exploiting it and in a fairly obscene way.
Kudos to you for your stamina and sense of humor in dating. I guess those are requirements when you go the online route. BTW, hope you’re enjoying the armpit of California, otherwise known as ‘Los Angeles’, or something like that.
Thanks, Shelly! Tell your friends and neighbors…
Another truly hilarious post, if for no other reason than I–as a human male–am a bit tired of competing with my canine brethren. However, on second read, I did notice something…the dog has an ID card…so, he/she is some sort of “assistance” dog…which doesn’t completely dismiss the misses over-affection, but does change some of the context of things like “going out to dinner” with…Now, the fact that she can see and can apparently walk…I’m going with an anxiety disorder.
(And why, if every women over 30 has a dog they love…do they complain about typical male behavior?)
This is Hilarious! Love your Writing style of comedy. Your perspective is masterful! ahahah
Yeah, this is clearly a service dog of some sort. I’m usually a big fan of your column but this one is pretty insensitive. And the girl looks smoking hot except for that gigantic black bar across her eyes, which I’m pretty sure is why she needs the dog to begin with.
I put the bar there. From the rest of her profile, I really don’t think it’s a service animal. But I could be wrong, and going to hell. Which is probably happening either way…
Ha, yeah, I know you put the bar there, I was trying to make a little joke. And you’re definitely going to hell, but you know what they say, “heaven for the climate, hell for the company”, so I’ll see you there! Oh, and I totally want to marry this girl (and her dog). Is she still single?