Surely you’ve read last week’s groundbreaking post about people who discuss sex in their dating profiles. I’ve been contacted by some very important and people, and talk is we’re up for a Peabody. (Disclaimer: May not be true.) But I’ve gotten a few emails from women saying they felt unduly singled out, that really I was just telling females not to talk about sex and that men were going unpunished. So this week, it’s time to balance the scales.
I don’t know if men talk excessively about sex in their profiles, I don’t really look at guy’s profiles. But they probably do, I mean, they talk excessively about sex pretty much everywhere else. But one place I know men misbehave to a comical amount is in their emails, and the texts resulting from those emails. I can’t tell you how many women have forwarded me horrendous messages from men asking them to perform sexual acts that I didn’t even know where physically possible. Offering to wear ladies’ asses as a hat has become surprisingly popular, even though it must be fairly uncomfortable for the woman and absolute murder on the guy’s back. But still the image endures. I don’t post any of these, because once you start documenting the lasciviousness of mankind, where are exactly are you supposed to stop? But in response to last week’s column I got a letter from a reader that encapsulates male behavior perfectly. We’ll call Kate B. Look at what poor Kate had to endure.
I have to share this OkCupid experience that has left my mind blown and grossed out. This seemingly nice, super normal, stable, good-looking guy made me chuckle a few times in our messages, then asked me out for beers that Friday after work. I oblige and we have a very nice two hour/three beer meeting and agreed we should definitely go out again. He texts me within a few hours and we exchange texts all weekend, nice pleasantries, nothing too serious. Monday happens, and I get a message in my okc mailbox from him. Here is what the message says:
“Hey, I know this isn’t the message you are looking for. But I met up with my ex this weekend and we are going to try things out again. I’m so sorry to do this to you.”
I’m like, bummer! This guy was nice, but I’m not heartbroken. We had like 2 hours of nice conversation and half a dozen texts, I’ll survive. So I send a nice reply “No worries, these things happen, it was nice to meet you. Good luck!” Because I’m a nice, sweet girl, and I do really wish the best for this guy. Heck, we are all just looking for that special someone so I can wish him no harm.
Cut to Tuesday morning. A new message in my inbox:
“HEY! False Alarm, not getting back together with my ex. Dinner this week?”
UMMM….. now that I know that you aren’t over an ex girlfriend?? No thanks. So I block him and move on.
Almost 8 months later I receive a text from a random number.
Random Number: “Heyyyy how you doin?”
Me: “Umm… fine. Who is this?”
Random Number: “Haha yeah you probably wouldn’t have this number. It’s Calvin, ya know [whatever his okc name is]”
Me: “Sorry, I really need more to go off of…”
Random Number: “We went for beers a while back but the timing wasn’t right.”
I instantly remember who he is. So I don’t respond, obviously. Three hours later:
Random Number: [NAKED CELLPHONE MIRROR PIC]
Random Number: “Remember this? ;)”
So now I’m scarred. Even the nice, funny, normal ones can pull this kind of stuff. It’s a tough world out there!
So thanks, naked cellphone picture guys, for getting all us normal dudes folded into the blame from your pants-less universe. It’s like a guy though, isn’t it, to say “Remember This?!” before sending a naked picture of himself to a woman who’s never actually seen him naked. Either he’s too dumb to remember, or is just certain that the lady will be so delighted by his johnson that she won’t care that she’s never seen it before.
I’ve never sent a naked picture of myself to anyone. In fact, if my doctor called me and said, “I need to run a very important test – it’s life or death. Can you please send me a naked picture of your body immediately!” my response would be “Uh…are you sure?” “Can you prove that you’re my doctor?” Unless she’s seen your dick in real life, don’t send her a picture of it, guys. And even then, only if it’s specifically requested. And never, under any circumstances, should you talk about, or show examples of, your whole weird sexual universe to an Internet date. It will only confirm their worst suspicions about you, and in some general way, me. So please, for my sake, keep the naked to yourself.