How is This My Match, Boobs Edition

If only she Internet dated…

I have learned over time not to mince words in my profile. Initially I focused on being  funny and well-rounded, trying to cast the widest net possible. So I’d make jokes, and list every interest I’ve ever had or conceivably might have again in the future. I believe at one point my profile listed “sneakers” as one of my favorite things, as if the one thing standing between me and true love was a common appreciation of comfortable footwear. But after a few years at the game, I wised up. My profile now contains the words “smart” and “funny” approximately 400 times. Even sentences where it doesn’t apply, like how far am I willing to travel to find a mate, I just answer with “Wherever the smart and funny people are.” It has helped, for the most part. I don’t get as many emails from people whose favorite show is Two and a Half Men, which is nice, and the amount of LOL’s, LMAO’s, and ROFL’s I’m forced to endure has decreased exponentially. OkCupid however has yet to entirely grasp what I’m looking for.

I mean seriously, How is This My Match?

I ask for smart and funny, and this is what they recommend…

Maybe the left boob is named “Smart” and the right one is called “Funny?” Look, it’s not impossible that a girl who posts not one but two bikini shots in her profile is also smart and funny. But I wouldn’t say it’s super-duper possible either. Where they taken on the beach, perhaps. Posed in her weird nude library, probably not. I mean, if Tina Fey was on OkCupid, something tells me she wouldn’t lead with her rack. And if by chance she did wanna tit it up in a couple of photos, I doubt she would underline her point by posing in front of a mirror that was adorned with a drawing of a naked lady bending over. What exactly is that? “I want them to know that I’m into sex, but I’m not sure the candid bikini-in-the-living-room photo spread is sending that message. What do I do? I know! Let’s tape this crude drawing of a chick buying a one-way ticket to Bonetown over in the corner, just to make sure I’m not being too subtle. People are constantly telling me that I’m just too subtle!” Thanks, OkCupid, for finding exactly what I’m looking for.

But hey, it’s not really fair to judge someone based on only a couple of pictures. Let’s judge her on profile instead!

My Self Summary: I do not self-summarize.

I see. Well, I do not email people I know nothing about, so we seem to be at an impasse. A booby booby impasse.

I’m Really Got At: Many Things.

If only self-summarizing were one of them.

The number of interesting things I’m asking you to say. And still, I’m asking too much.

The Six Things I Could Never Live Without: My list expounds beyond 6 items and changes often. For the sake of posterity, I won’t bother to list it.


You Should Message Me If… “Dorks”, go away. That goes for you too, pseudo-“nerds”, who have never so much as cracked open a book, but who often have cracked open their ass for unknown, though potentially, gay reasons.

I’ve nothing against gays and find them to be wonderful people, but hipsters–you have to admit, those assholes are fags.

Really, because it kinda seems like you do have something against gays. I mean, people who like gay people don’t usually use “fag” as an insult. It’s quite a feat though, pulling off confusing and vaguely homophobic simultaneously in a profile that’s meant to seem attractive. And anti-intellectual, to top it all off. Are you an OKCupid dater, or a villain in a John Grisham novel? Because you’re checking all the boxes. And yes, all of those boxes add up to one thing and one thing only: smart AND also funny. Thanks, Internet dating. You’ve done great work as always.

I mean seriously, How is This My Match?!

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13 Responses to How is This My Match, Boobs Edition

  1. M says:

    Since every time I tweak my profile on Match they have to “approve” it, and I mean like changing the latest book I’ve read…I am absolutely appalled that this Hate Filled profile could ever have been posted. And that’s saying nothing about the pics. But B, I’m so glad that that is not your match. Whew! :)

  2. MC Kali says:

    Well B, sometimes people you meet on the Internet are fucking crazy…

    My profile is so lucid that it’s not funny… but I’m not really concerned about that, being that I’m not here to entertain the general public of online men. But hell yeah, they better entertain me, LOL. Is that sexist? Probably, in a good way.

  3. Paula says:

    When I was on OKC there were some snotty men who thought they were “intellectuals” and too good to be there, apparently unaware that they were, in fact, looking for someone just the same as every other lonely schlub. So these guys would write this superior-sounding shit about not wanting to do a self-summary, or they’d make a joke about it all and not say anything real, on and on. Because acting like an arrogant ass is sooooo attractive. I would love to see one of them matched 99% with bikini girl, HAH!!

  4. S says:

    I really want to know where that first picture was taken. The bland shelves and the labels on the books… is she bra-and-panty-ing it in an ACTUAL LIBRARY? If so, I’m not sure whether that makes her cooler or even more disturbing.

    • Paca says:

      Alas, Cool I am not.

      It’s a library of sorts, but not really–it’s my living room. 2000+ books that my landlord considers a fire hazard. There are no labels on the books, just the regular book spines. Though the books that do appear to be labeled are Penguin books (just how it’s designed). You’ll also note the PSP and DS games stacked in there as well.

      There, know you know.

  5. Katie Qué says:

    Sometimes I wonder, wouldn’t you just rather be single?

    • Paca says:

      If you saw how many men actually sidestep the pictures, pretending they never even noticed them–that the pictures were not the reason they messaged me: You would rather be single too.

  6. Paca says:

    I figured my profile would end-up on a blog sooner or later–I was right!

    The profile is meant to be a joke and a window into the responses women get on Okcupid for my buddies. My guy pals always lament the fact that they hardly get responses from women on the site and asked me to join to see what reception I’d get–it was excessive and they were upset (Not fair!). So, I tried to make it as repellant as I personally could (which, honestly, comes off more as aloof). This did not deter men either.

    Even the rant against hipster, you guessed it, made hipster males want to get to know me more so. I was “fascinating”, “intriguing”, and “opinionated” (the most common words hipsters used to describe me) and they liked that in a woman. Go figure. Hipsters were also more susceptible to minor jokes in the profile such as naming favored authors noted on my profile as their favorites too (none of which exist in reality).

    For the most part, men try to side step the bikini pictures and just ask about my knitting & photography. Very few are crude (with much effort) in their messages, though I recall one offering to take me to Hawaii if I allowed him to “motor boat” me. Charmed!

    While I note most men are not sexually crude when they message me, I will say that some do get a bit belligerent. As a rule of thumb, I typically don’t respond to messages (aside from an occasional “thanks” for a nice comment on my knitting) which accounts for the red dot on my profile. So when I don’t respond, some men get indigent and upset. I go from being a “beautiful, intelligent woman” to a “stupid, dumb bitch” who will be taught what for while “walking home late at night” (this is the cleaned up version of what some men have said). The luxury of being a woman.

    2 bikini pics (taken before going to the beach) and 4 or 5 other normal pictures you chose to omit because, well, they were too normal I suppose–not much for hilarious fodder. Knitting, photography and so on. The water painting in one of the pictures is by a local artist that was not yet framed at the time. It being in the picture was just a matter of my current surroundings, was not purposeful.

    The word “fag” used in my hipster rant is a matter of habit. Having gay a lesbian friends myself (my little sister included) it’s a word they use to describe annoying people, a word they use almost exclusively towards hipster. A word they’ve never flinched at when I used it. At this point, I cannot imagine a more appropriate word for the hipster subculture, but that’s just me. I can’t be considerate of every person’s sensibilities, no one can.

    Good day!

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