I threw down the gauntlet a few weeks back, and asked you readers to step up the insanity of your Internet dating game. And I’m not sure what this says about me and the sort of people I attract, but you were more than up to the task. “Huzzah,” I say, to all of us, and our ability to seek out lunacy and find it attractive just long enough to get a story out of it.
So far, the worst email I’ve gotten is this:
DUED, I went out with a girl last nt who loved Coldplay. WTFuck?
Now I appreciate the dedication, and any reader who takes the time to drop me a note is a reader I will love forever, but, well, “Dude” is not a very hard word to spell. And why bother abbreviating the “What The” if you’re just gonna throw the “Fuck” out there long-form anyway? Coldplay, on the other hand, is hard to get behind. They’re tolerable, but not the sort of thing you bring up on a first date. Coldplay fandom is the musical equivalent of lyme disease. No shame in having it, but you might wanna bury the lede on that one ’til date number two. I know this, because I admitted within the first few minutes of meeting a lady that I used to listen to the Dave Matthew’s Band. Her reaction was, more or less, “WTFuck.”
The best email I received, however, deals with far creepier, and therefore, more awesome matters. It’s from Kerrie, and it’s outstanding.
My horrifying story:
I met a guy on OKC a couple months ago. He was hilarious and interesting and cute so it took me longer than usual to realize how fucking crazy he was. At the end of the third date, the subject of online dating came up and I mentioned a funny anecdote about seeing my married co-worker on there posing as single. He proceeded to tell me that if I want to mess with said co-worker, he has several fake profiles that we could correspond with him through.
Now, I’m gonna stop Kerrie right there, because this, I have done. Not for the purpose of fucking with people, but just for genuine, sociological research. Ok, and also a little bit to fuck with people. But I’m a nice guy, and I’m guessing from Kerrie’s tone that we are soon about to find out that her guy was not nice…
He went on to tell me that he picks out “creepy” guys out online, messages them with a fake profile and even sets up dates with them. Fucked up, right? Yeah, no. He actually shows up to the fake date to watch the unsuspecting dude’s reaction to being stood up while text messaging him from a google voice number.
And then he rapes and kills them, and then rapes them again after they’ve been killed? I expected him to turn out to be not nice, I didn’t expect him to turn out to be Ted Bundy. Look, we all see some creeps online and feel they should be taken down a notch. But do we feel it so strongly that we email them, set up a fake date, set up a fake number so you can text them on that date, then show up in person and watch the whole thing go down? I mean, that’s a lot of work. If you’re devoting more than 20 minutes of any day to privately shaming strangers, you might want to reconsider some of your life choices. Just ask yourself this question: “Is the sort of the thing the lead character in a 1970’s Scorsese film might do before going on a violent killing spree?” If the answer is yes, or even maybe yes, then perhaps you should take the night off. And sign up for Kettle of Fish, because I really think you’ll feel a lot more at home on that site.
Back to Kerrie…
I think he realized this was freaking me out (did I mention he was in my house when during this conversation?) so he tried play it down saying he only messed with the “real assholes” on there. This prompted me to make an awkward Dexter reference- which oddly seemed to offend him. Seriously? After a few more dates (I have no excuse for the pathetic-ness of that admission) I wised up, called it off and tried resumed my search on OKC.
And that’s how you know how you know the story is true, because even after admitting he was sort of a psychopath, Kerrie went out with him a couple more times. Internet dating: the only place in the world where a wackjob gets a second shot. Kerrie has admitted that she’s worried about every guy she meets now being a secret creep, but don’t worry, I’m pretty sure this guys is one of a kind.
Think you can beat Kerrie’s email? Give it a shot here!