“Do you vow to ruin everyone’s relationship in attendance?” “I do.”

Bringing a date of any kind to a wedding is risky. On paper, it should be a fun weekend. I mean, there’s fancy clothes, an open bar, and food that someone else paid for. It’s like going on a date with Boardwalk Empire. But the problem is, at some point in all the revelry, some asshole is gonna stand up and pledge their eternal love for someone else, making things real awkward for us single folks. Because it’s impossible to watch two other people get married and not turn to the person you’re dating and do your own little evaluation. Either you think: “Wow, I could see myself doing this with her one day,” or you think, “Wow, I wonder how fast I can find a taxi?” It’s one or the other. You can’t see two people marry, standing next to someone you could conceivably marry, and not consider the possibilities. Obviously, I’m being kind of a jerk about it, because I am kind of a jerk, but attending a wedding can be a watershed moment. I have several friends who admit to realizing their relationship was either doomed or blessed during someone else’s nuptials, even though they wouldn’t act on this discovery for months, or even years. So it’s crucial that you think carefully before inviting a date to a wedding. And it’s even more crucial if you met that date online. Because as we like to say here at It’s Not a Match, sometimes the people you meet on the Internet are fucking crazy.

After careful consideration, and extensive trial and error, these are the types of Internet dates you can safely bring to watch a couple get hitched.

“Would you like to go with me to a wedding?”

1) Someone You Just Met: Hear me out. I know that “So, what are you doing on Saturday? Wanna come to my buddy’s wedding?!” is not the standard second date invitation, but it can actually be surprisingly fun. Mostly because of how insane it is. You get to drink, and laugh, and get to know someone better, all while having an instant conversation starter. “So, how did you two meet?” “Oh, online. A week ago. I don’t even know her last name!” Soon enough you’ll be the kooky Internet couple that everyone at the wedding is rooting for. Like Rudy, but with sex. And the best part is, the wedding can’t put any pressure on your relationship, because you don’t actually have a relationship. It’s great. Except for one caveat. Weddings are long, and all of your friends will be invited. So if it goes bad, it’s gonna go bad real hard. Best of luck!

2) Someone Who Doesn’t Drink: I don’t know how many times I can say this: don’t bring a drinker to a wedding, don’t bring a drinker to a wedding, also, don’t bring a drinker to a wedding. Obviously your date doesn’t have to be a teetotaler, it’s probably better if they’re not, but nothing makes an ugly situation uglier than seven gin and tonics. And a little champagne. And a shot of tequila, because at some point some moron is going to suggest people start doing shots of tequila. I once got trapped in a drunk wedding conversation that nearly ended with a woman proposing to me while her husband was inside getting her coffee and calling their babysitter. And believe me, I’m not that charming. I don’t care if you met her on EHarmony a year ago and you think she might be the love of your life, think twice about inviting a boozehound to someone’s nuptials. No reason to tempt fate.

3) Someone You Met on Kettle of Fish: Because let’s be honest, that’s not going anywhere anyway.

4) Someone Who’s Never Been Divorced: I’ve never been divorced, but it seems that nothing underlines the pain of no longer being married quite like attending someone else’s wedding with a guy you met on the computer.

5) Someone You Like So Much That You Just Wanna Be Around, No Matter What Happens: Well isn’t that sweet. A genuine, positive, happy relationship. If you’re in one of these, Mr. Romance, go for it. Just make sure she feels the same way. Otherwise you’re gonna end up shooting tequila and looking for a taxi. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…