Totally organic group of people
Every dating website asks you the same question: what ethnicity are you looking for in a mate? You think about, feel a little uncomfortable, then read over the dreaded options…
- Asian
- Black/African Descent
- East Indian
- Latino/Hispanic
- Middle Eastern
- Native American
- Pacific Islander
- White/Caucasian
- Other
- All
- Sorry If We Left Anyone Out, We’re Really Trying Hard Not To Be Offensive About This. Again, We’re Really Super Sorry, All Races Are Great. Even Middle Easterners! Sorry, Especially Middle Easterners! Sorry! Did We Say We’re Sorry? Sorry!
It really is that awkward. I mean, is there any process that is so incredibly PC andracist simultaneously? Because, as a white person, I’m totally cool with you just calling us “White” or “Caucasian”, Match, you really don’t have to do both. And I don’t know any black people, but I’ve seen them on TV, and I have a feeling they’d be fine with you leaving out “African Descent” too. But even as these dating websites stumble all over themselves to handle this with sensitivity, they’re asking you, essentially, to pick which races you like. Or which races you’d like to date, if that distinction makes you feel less icky. And so what do you do?
"That person! I want to date that person!"
Well, if you’re anything like me, and for your sake I really hope that you’re not, you click the box next to “All.” All races. That’s who you’d like to date. Even though it’s not really who you’d like to date, you just feel it’s the right message to send out to the universe. You are a Modern Thinker. Open Minded. You will Date Anyone — regardless of color, race, or creed. And then, when Match sends you your liberal, open-minded options, you calmly look them over, then click only on the pictures of the races that interest you. Because not only are you not Open Minded, but you’re also a wuss.
For a while, I did this. I told my computer I would date anyone, just so it thought I was a nice person, and then proceeded to look only at white people. It was pathetic, frankly. And I have a feeling that perhaps you are equally pathetic. I didn’t want to be racist, so instead I was just racist very, very quietly. And it cost me time, convenience, and made precisely zero people feel better. So I have stopped clicking “All.” Now I just click “White,” and have come to terms with being just a little bit of a dick. (On all other topics, I’m a huge dick.)
Make no mistake, this is definitely racist. Saying you don’t want to date Blacks, or Asians, or Native Americans because you’re just not attracted to them isracist. It’s just not offensive. At least, in my opinion. I, myself, am simply not attracted people who aren’t White. As much as it hurts my liberal leanings and Democratic voting record to say so, it’s the truth. I don’t dislike them, I just don’t feel the urge to sex them. Black ladies don’t turn my head in a crowd. Middle Eastern women don’t catch my eye in a bar. Asian girls just don’t turn me on. Unless I’m looking for someone to iron a real crisp collar onto my shirt, then I got all hot and bothered. (I kid, I kid). And, as it’s an exclusionary practice decided entirely by the color of one’s skin, that’s racist. But does anyone really care?
The "It's Not a Match" race riots
There will not be, I don’t think, a rash of race riots outside the It’s Not a Match offices when minorities learn they will probably not be dating me. Primarily because we don’t have offices. But also because there’s two kinds of racism. There’s good racism, and bad racism. OK, scratch that. There’s no such thing as good racism. But there’s accidental racism. You can’t help who you’re attracted to. If a group of people just doesn’t do it for you, they just don’t do it for you. So there’s no need to be bashful and apologetic about your preferences. Ask the average person if they’re interested in dating someone from X or Y race, and they’ll hem and haw before they give you an answer. “Well…I never have…but I would, I just…you know, I don’t know. Sure, I would. I guess, yeah, I would!” Translation: no, they wouldn’t. But what are they so awkward about? Some people are attracted to people from all races, some people are not. Just like some people like short people, tall people, fat people, or very fat people. To each his own! Unless you preferences are formed by hate or idiocy, then you need not apologize. It’s nice, but it’s stupid. Like what you like, wussypants.
But let me guess, you still feel uncomfortable, don’t you? If you’re not sure whether your dating preferences make you a bad racist or an understandable one, please consult the Official It’s Not a Match Guide to Dating Bigotry…
If any of the following are reasons you DON’T want to date someone, you’re BAD RACIST.
- You’re concerned about spending every date eating Szechuan chicken, fried chicken, chicken curry, chicken kebobs, or really any kind of specifically prepared chicken.
- You think you’re not good enough at math for them.
- You think you’re too good at math for them.
- You don’t watch UPN.
- Salsa gives you the toots.
- You “found Dances with Wolves boring.”
- You don’t think you have that much to say about the railroads.
- You have any opinion whatsoever about their music.
- You bet they won’t get that you’re wearing the white hood ironically.
- You haven’t been that pleased with Barack Obama.
If any of the following are reasons you DO want to date someone, you’re also BAD RACIST.
- You feel like you really “got” The Chappelle Show.
- You consider how comfortable you are taking the subway to be one of your best qualities.
- Finally, someone to watch sports with!
- You’ve always wanted to learn how to use a wok.
- Your kids “will look just like those little nesting dolls!”
- This will make your role play fantasies so much more authentic.
- You saw Three Amigos six times.
- You haven’t been that pleased with Barack Obama.
I’m surprised you don’t mention Natural Mating Selection Theories. Mainly “The social and cultural background of a couple provides the context for the interpersonal processes.” We’re, for the most part, naturally programmed to find mating partners that look like us.
Don’t be surprised. I am nowhere near that smart…
Not true. This is a line used by white people to justify only dating other white people, when its really a subtle form of racial supremacism imo. If you look at the stats (a la OKCupid: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-race-affects-whether-people-write-you-back/) then your statement is contradicted by the data, since asian and latin women are more attracted to white males than “those that look like them.” This is about social acceptability. Women have their primative “cavewoman” preferences (tall, strong, lots of resources) and then they have their social preferences. Over time, dating certain races became “more acceptable” which is why it happens more. However, it would be more accurate to say that in our society, preference for white males is universal among females of all races. This is more proof that racial preferences in dating are driven by socially driven racism, not by some enlightened personal preference.
I’m attracted to hot people … regardless of race.
Exactly.
Me too Elizabeth. Are you hot?
That might just make you a slut..
Hey B, I agree w/ Elizabeth. Although all my past boyfriends aka serious relationships have been either white guys or Hispanic. So B, is that racist?
I’ve read (forgot the author, the book was “the third chimpanzee:) that we are genetically wired to be attracted to people who look like our second cousins…far enough away to ward off genetic mutation, close enough to be familar.
Personally (of Russian/Slavic/Mediterranean descent) i think Halle Berry is the hottest women in the world…though, a lot of folks wouldn’t consider her “African-american”…which brings up the stupidest part of this whole “labeling” business…who is white? Some geneticists suggest that less than 8% of the earths population could be “scientifically” considered to be of one race.
Halle Berry is hot. That is the extent of my scientific contribution.
Well, there you go, that is an irrefutable fact.
Halle Berry is half English.
Post reminded me of a Men’s Health article I came across not too long ago… http://news.menshealth.com/new-research-your-girlfriend-is-a-horrible-person/2011/06/29/
So…its ok to exclude people based on race but not on attractiveness?
I kid…but only to drive home the point that the realities of what we find attractive tend to be a bit harsher than what people comfortably admit.
Hey, if Match had a “exclude all people that you don’t find attractive” button, I would use it and advocate others use it. The difference between the height and race issue is one of fairness. Short guys would like to be given a shot, Minorities couldn’t care less that I’m not interested.
That’s entirely ignorant and false. I’m mixed race and if a guy found me pretty because I look like an islander or native of hispanic (I do to many people) I would like for him to give me a shot even if my profile says black/white. The idea that’s okay to not like people based off of race is so entirely silly. I find it funny that people still tend to do this, but whatever. Evolving takes time.
I also only listed white/Caucasian/burns-but-doesn’t-tan for my preference, but Match still pairs me with many other races. I appreciate the quest for diversity, but their daily match methods aren’t worth a damn.
Agreed, you should check out my How is This my Match segment…
Nice! Other than a Benetton ad of diversity, I’ve also been matched with guys ranging from 18 – 67 (I’m 33), dominants-seeking-submissives, guys looking for “big boobies,” some very swarthy women, and a whole lot of “average” 280-lb. guys looking for a girl who is into “staying fit and taking care of herself.”
Dude
I have been chucking for sometime now. You friggin’ nailed it.
I am a minority in the country of residence. What surprises me is how the white folk criticize themselves for this while the rest of the world does it like it’s nobody’s business.
Who one screws is ones own preference, screw away. Morals are a shifting metric. Adhere to them too closely and you’ll find yourself no where when the society’s paradigm changes.
Happy porking.
Happy porking, indeed.
This site slays me…
I wrote a small article (in my blog) on this a while back.
And I realized that I’m not a racist just because I’m usually attracted to White or Hispanic people, I’m quite normal actually. My choice to do so is just My “preference”.
The way I “preferer” Vanilla ice cream to any other ice cream. It’s like you said “about what we do/don’t like”. Nothing less and nothing more :)
When I decided to join match, I was fed up with wasting my time so I was not going to waste my time being PC. I did feel awkward checking the “I only want to date white people” box, but it’s what I did. I was getting off the proverbial pot and deciding once an for all what I wanted. I will admit that I was shallow. I have no doubt that some of the people I didn’t choose were GREAT people, but sorry… I don’t want to date a construction worker with 3 kids. After 24 hours on match.com I had narrowed my “matches” (Not my daily matches….ALL of my matches) to 3 people. I emailed all 3, received a response from one and we have been together for a year and a half. Political correctness is for the birds…
“but sorry… I don’t want to date a construction worker with 3 kids.” You had me before you added that part, which is definitely more than a little racist…
That’s probably why you’re still single.
I have a black friend on Match right now who only wants to date black guys, but refuses to check the box! She’s waisting their time and hers! On the other hand, I’m black. I truly am open to dating people outside of my race. So, if you don’t mean it, don’t check it! You’re just cluttering the pool for those of use who really are willing to look past race and height and all that other superficial nonsense.
And, if you’re roughly 5’6″ and black or not black with and interest & current events & the outdoors, know there’s a cute petite black girl Match who would not hesitate to email you back.
While I disagree with the notion that it’s “okay” to be so racially selective because as a student of psychology and sociology I know that there is a broader, deep, and ugly truth to why people feel that way, I do agree that if you’re a racist you should wear the badge. Stop wasting my time.
Problem is, some people do get attacked for checking off racial preferences. I’m a light-skinned mixed girl and I’ve never really been attracted to black guys, it’s just the physical attributes that I’m not particularly attracted to, not any judgements that I’m making about their personality or character. They’re just not my cup of tea.
But when some black guys see that I haven’t checked their box, they take it personally and feel the need to send me scathing messages like “what, a black man isn’t good enough for you?” and the like. At the same time when I’ve dated darker skinned black men I’ve had to deal with scathing looks from darker skinned women because I’m seen as “taking their good men”.
It’s really a double-edged sword for some people. But really I guess it should come down to not giving a damn about what strangers think of you. Life’s too short to worry about offending everyone when you’re just trying to be happy in your relationships.
Can they see that you haven’t checked their box? I didn’t realize that. And why does that sound so dirty?
Haha, yes, we can see that you didn’t check our box…you’re right that does sound a little 80′s porn-ish. You know how on Match you can see what another person is looking for in a mate? Well it also lists their ethnicity preferences too.
I don’t know how anyone else feels, but I’m more turned off by someone who has checked every race but mine, than someone who has only listed one race as a preference. I can understand only dating who looks like you, or having a fetish for a couple of races. However, when you list every single ethnic option except for one, I see that as more of a red flag for a racist against the race you did not select. Since there’s an option for no preference, I’m assuming that this was not just an error.
I always found it funny though that in response to my being open to all races I’ll often get the comment “Really, even Asian men?” Seriously, I get this a lot! Apparently, it’s like the “country music” of races. You know how people will say “I like all types of music, except country” But when I say open to all races, I mean it, just like I mean open to all music, even country :)
And what about ageism? How many dating sites have age restriction? Do you know how many 19 year olds don’t want to date people in their 40s and 50s and so on? LOL
I know people “have a preference” but that racism is just so narrow-minded it’s sickening. I mean, I play a game, look at the picture and can usually tell whether they would be racist or not. I’m usually right. I’m multiracial, athletic, and have a similar look to The Rock (with hair). If I just see white/caucasian, I just pass them by. My girlfriend was looking for a white guy but met me at a singles event and fell in love with me at first site. You’re missing out on quality people just lumping yourself into one category. I’m attracting to good looking people. I don’t care what the race is. I’m not attracted to very dark girls but that doesn’t discount a race? It’s just silly and ignorant.
Racism is natural! I am a fit, educated male of indian decent, and no I am not the skinny balding nerd types either lol. But I can understand why a white girl would not want to date me. We think we’ve evolved to acting purely on logic and intellectual reasoning but we’ve not! On the other hand I am lucky to not have gotten dates, i’ve spent that time doing other things i love, like riding my harley upstate Ny and checking out backroads, learning how to play the slide guitar, working with animals, learning how to cook and traveling. At this point I don’t even miss being attracted to someone or wish being attractive to someone. Life is good.
Also to add I respect all the women who make their racial preference very clear. This saves a lot of guys of minority decent a lot of time and energy. I just checked out match.com out and most of the women have checked caucasian on their preference list. In a way this is great, because I wont waste my time emailing them, and they wont have to waste their time opening my mail only to have to discard it. Being honest about how you feel is much more practical and honest then being politically correct.
I dont know why I am not attracted to black women. Seriosly just black women. wtf is wrong with me?
There is no reason to tell someone that their race is why you aren’t attracted to them, the same way you wouldn’t say, “I don’t date fat chicks,” even if it’s true, and even if you can’t help it. That’s why having these filters makes sense, but why it makes no sense for match.com to show others what your filters are.
When you do a search on okstupid you can filter based on race so only those you choose show up when you are browsing profiles/choosing who to stalk/message. but it doesn’t outwardly offend anyone by announcing, “Sorry, I’m excluding you based solely on your race.”
I see no reason why NOT to date someone purely because of race! Listen If it’s ok to say: I’ll only date tall guys then whats the matter with saying I’ll only date white guys! Racism is a natural phenomenon there is NO way around it. It would assuage a lot of anxiety for the people who wish to deny it if they would just accept it.
That’s pure BS. Since race is a social construct– and the way we view ‘race’ nowadays came from 500 years ago– it means racism is a social construct. Period. Racism is not natural, so get over yourself and stop trying to justify it.
Some of the assertions made both by the author, as well as those in the comment section, are possibly some of the most ignorant misconceptions I’ve read in my life. Seriously… did any of you go to college? For one to assume that they would never find someone outside of their race sexually attract when we are ALL HUMANS and there are literally MILLIONS of people excluded in such a statement is absolutely sickening. The saddest part is that the author harbors racist ideology subconsciously without even knowing it ( or maybe he’s simply postering and is well aware of the fact that his comments were hurtful and reeking of ignorance). The fact is that we are not biologically predisposed to being sexually attracted to those who look like us, there is absolutely no scientific evidence supporting this, and in fact the contrary has been supported by numerous objective studies. In fact, to only be attracted to one’s race seems… incestuous to me.Think about it from an objective perspective… If you met someone of a different race that was smart, exotic, objectively attractive and youthful, and had an amazing personality, and you would rather be with someone that looked like they could be related to you that is wrong and perverse on so many levels. I pray for the day that ignorant people such as yourself with realize that there IS something unnatural about only being attracted to your race and perpetuated not by biology in any sense of the word, but rather by hundreds and hundreds of years of racism and psychological indoctrination.
I honestly don’t see how having a racial preference when it comes to choosing a mate is Racist. Are you prejudicial because you have a gender, sexual orientation, religion, disability, and age preference? You’re not saying you don’t want to date them because you think you’re superior. If you eventually want to have kids you should really think about it, it’s your business. I mean I wouldn’t choose to re-produce with someone who has Down syndrome, but that doesn’t mean I dislike them, it means I don’t find them attractive and I want to have healthy children, and that’s my business. And I dooo find woman of other racial decent attractive, but just like white girls I’m attracted to different characteristics, now does that make me shallow? If that’s the case I should have shaked up with the first woman who through herself at me years ago just to be a nice guy, I mean I wouldn’t want to be selfish now.
Being race conscious is fine! nothing wrong with it! we are all different for a reason! black, white, asian, Nature did not intend us to be the same, hence did not make us the same! think about it? In my opinion people should not date out of their race.
I live in the US am successful in the top `10 percent and I enjoy what the west has given me, occasionally I will have fun with white or black women, for experiment. But when it comes to marriage i will only marry a indian woman. I have to think about what i want my children to be! this is very important as I wish my bloodline to be pure indian, just the way my ancestors were.
I don’t think it is racist. It is just your preference. We don’t call gay people sexist for only dating men; it is just their preference as well.
The “gay” argument is flawed… There are WAY more biological, physiological, and social differences between males and females then there are of two people of the same gender but different races. Even moreso in the U.S., where the average black has approximately 21 percent Caucasian ancestry, and more than half of American whites have African (black) ancestry. You’re essentially saying that physically, an Indian male and woman are more physically alike than an Indian woman and a black woman, which science makes it pretty clear is not the case. So, yes, it DOES make you shallow and racist. The most racist thing about it however, is that you actually have the audacity to place millions and millions of non-white women, some of who may which have more in common with you culturally and interest-wise, some of who are certainly more objectively attractive than you are, and lump them all into one category – undesirable and not worth you even getting to know them, which is b.s.
But judging by your lack of grammar skills and logical thinking, they aren’t missing out on much so maybe you are actually doing them a favor!
Furthermore, history has REPEATEDLY shown us over and over again that nations who have truly made racial progress are multiracial/interracial societies where there is an abundance of intermixing between the two. Look it up for yourself. The marker of true racial progress will be when people don’t even think in terms of race at all. You are an example of what is wrong with this country – you are racist and socially conditioned to be prejudiced, yet you don’t even realize it. Yet that’s exactly what you are doing when you use race as a predetermining factor. The Down Syndrome argument is flawed as well – biologically we are not wired to be attracted to unhealthy people, period. Yet, there is not biological determinant that would make us apprehensive about dating a perfectly healthy person of the opposite sex because they would be just as capable of producing healthy offspring as someone of the same race.
Oh, another thing I would like to add is that, if racial preferences were REALLY based on inherent biological leanings, and not fueled by social/ media bias and racism, then you would only be drawn to girls that have the exact same racial percentages as you do: For instance, if you are 85% white, 10% native american, and 5% black, then you would only be attracted to women that have this exact genetic makeup, and not 100% Russian girls or whatever that may be because technically you wouldn’t be the same race. Many “white” Americans are a lot less white than they think they are, especially compared to their Northern European counterparts.
All very well written. I couldn’t say it better myself.
Last comment: This OKCupid study supports what I’m saying: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-race-affects-whether-people-write-you-back/
Although the white women in the study showed a higher preference of white men than men of other races, Asian and Hispanic women preferred white men ALMOST EXCLUSIVELY, preferring them over other races of men including there own. Why is this? Because our society places a higher value to white men than other men, less perceived negative stereotypes, and we are SOCIALLY CONDITIONED by the media and the racism within society to believe that white men are more attractive and desriable for a mate. If this wasn’t the case, than the majority of Asian and Hispanic women would prefer men of their own race.
JJ nailed it on the head. Social and Economical conditioning. That is the root. Society determines whats beautiful, what’s appealing, qualifications for success, etc. Years ago, women were scorned for having big butts universally, with the exception of some minority ethnic groups, such as blacks (bohemian, haitian, brazillian, african americans, etc) and hispanics (mexicans, columbian, cubans, dominicans, etc).
But now it has been accepted but more importantly celebrated as being “attractive and beautiful”. This is something black and hispanic men have always found beauty in, but now white cultural has decided or found this to be appealing as well. So now this is the media trend. Not all white men, let me make that clear, like girls who have butts on the bigger side. I have white friends who don’t like girls with big butts at all, lol. But my point being is, we are being conditioned as a society and groomed on what’s attractive and what’s not, or what’s appealing or more appealing or what’s not. 90 percent of attractive women on television, be it commercials or shows, are white. If 90 percent of women on television and commercials were attractive black women, then black women would be greatly desired over any other group. So the brain-washing and the conditioning starts there. This is why the numbers are so far off. Why would a person of another racial group, over-overwhelmingly prefer a partner of another group? Touching on Asian and Hispanics specifically, as someone up top bought these two groups up. There seeing white men as a “status symbol” for success and social equity.
This “preference” has a root, and it’s not just a “I am just attracted to white girls\men”. There is much more behind it. Whether you choose to explore it or not is another thing. Beauty is Beauty. No man can tell me different. Beauty does not start the color of the individual, it starts with features. The shape of the face, shape of the mouth, eye size shape and color, etc. It’s certain features that catches our eyes and translate to beauty to the person that is beholding it. Skin color can add to beauty, but it cannot take a way from it. Beauty is Beauty.
preference is preference..period..i date within my own race but I don’t hate anyone.so if I date just blondes I guess I hate bruntettes?? some of you people aren’t very educated as to what the difference is between preference and racism is and you made up or fabricated the definition/.become educated and learn the difference.i don’t date overweight people but I don’t hate overweight people.most of you uneducated puds are claiming it’s racist merely because in being bias it’s not giving other people the option of being chosen..that’s not racism you morons.a person can date people with blue eyes but not hate or have disdain for people with brown eyes.it’s called preference.i date within my own race for reasons of culture not skin color.i grew up in a certain culture and feel most comfortable there./i don’t date to be diverse i date who i know i’ll have most things in common.with and that’s going to be someone within my own race/only uneducated flakes would consider someone racist because they don’t do everything socially with divserity in mind.
Warning this is long! *
I think it’s foolish to assume that “preference” doesn’t hurt anyone. And as a white male it’s something you’d probably never understand. Preferences aren’t innocent likes and dislikes. They are 100percent rooted in what your society has conditioned you to believe is beautiful and acceptable. It excludes 100s of millions of women based on stereotypes and prejudice.
It has a profound influence on the women you exclude. As a nonwhite woman growing up in a mostly white school. It meant that I was never seen as a possible relationship partner. I was never asked out, when people referred to females it usually excluded me. Despite the fact that objectively I was seen as attractive. Some guys even secretly liked me although the one time one guy said I was attractive aloud his friends shamed him. Calling me ugly and made fun of him for saying it. Black women especially don’t have the luxury of being treated like actual women. After starting college. I still wasn’t asked out very often and most of the time it was just so they could experiment and tell everyone they did. It really affected my self esteem. I started dating guys I thought I was worth. Usually uneducated unattractive men that were borderline abusive, some were. When I thought I found a keeper he’d laugh at my face with the idea that I’d possibly think I’d be good enough to be brought home to their parents. Or even consider our relationship would ever become serious despite it having everything we both wanted in a relationship.
I’m very fit. Yet when I go to clubs where the majority of people are white. I’m completely ignored. I’ve had men spill drinks on me and not even notice and push me out of the way to speak to my very blonde friend. I’ve had doors that were held by males slammed in my face once all my white and Asian female friends walked through them. (Even the unattractive and overweight ones). I’ve had guys buy drinks for the group but excluded buying one for me.
That is not the way any woman should live.
But here’s why preference is nothing more than overt racism.
My experience in Europe was entirely the opposite. When I went to clubs I had to bat guys away with a stick. Very attractive tall fit ones too. They’d stop me in the street to tell me I’m beautiful. Most of the time they ignored that same blonde friend in North America. For the first time I felt what it was like to be female. To have guys ask you out and truly find you desirable. I’ve had guys clamour to talk to me. When I told some of them my experience at home. They were shocked. They couldn’t conceive of something like that happening to “a nice funny girl, who looked like me” (their words not mine). I was on average asked out more times in one week there than I ever was in my entire life. I lived there for over a year.
Now that I’ve returned home. Dating has been a miserable experience. Every day my self esteem is challenged. I tried online dating. Again just more pain. I’ll read a guys profile we would have a lot in common. I get a little excited I’d scroll down. Usually every race but my own is checked for preference. Or just white, middle eastern and/or Asian. Now I just scroll down first to check before wasting my time with the rest of the profile.
The black guys aren’t any better. The ones who have the traits I like exclusively only date women of other races. Which leaves my inbox full of overweight 50+ white guys (I’m in my early 20s). And unattractive black guys that send me messages entirely in ebonics or messages with more “words” in the sentence than there are letters. As a student studying to enter a medical related field you can imagine that I’d have nothing in common with such a being. I don’t. Most have barely finished highschool.
I’m seriously tired of the north American dating market. I’ve accepted that if I stay here I’ll either end up alone or having to settle for a man I don’t find attractive and have nothing in common with.
Needless to say. I hate north America. I wish I could go back to Europe.
At least there I was seen as female. And for the most part an attractive woman was just that. An attractive woman that they’d love to have a relationship with. As a science student I’ll let you all know. Racism isn’t natural. Ethnic mixing however, is.
That was a long comment, but I enjoyed the read so no worries!!
You touch on a lot of different points, so I’ll try and touch on them as well. I had a very broad base of friends, the majority of them white, do to where I live and the demographics. A couple of Asian friends and a few of Mexican descent. As a Black male going out with my white friends, a lot of times it was the same. It was the same in the sense that I was being excluded from being seen as a possible dating option because of my race regardless of my personality, knowledge base, etc. etc. Being a male, I’ve never experience some of the unique things that you mention due to you being a woman, such as not having drinks bought for me but for all your white friends, or having drinks accidentally spilled on me and no apology, but the exclusion I can definitely relate too.
I will say this though, you seem to have a negative perception of Black Males, I say that because of this statement: “Ebonics or messages with more “words” in the sentence than there are letters. As a student studying to enter a medical related field you can imagine that I’d have nothing in common with such a being”
Such a being? Are you kidding me? It’s great that your achieving your goals and excelling in your education, but that statement speaks volumes to what you think of people who have not travel the road you have, or who may not have had the opportunities that you had. The fact that a person “barely finished High School” in your statement, does not mean I would have nothing in common with them. I would have to know them to know that, but from an educational standpoint, we do not match. You come off as very judgmental, that is in itself a bad quality to exhibit. Your comment also speaks of a sense of “entitlement”. You feel you “deserve” or you’re “entitled” to be with a certain kind of person. We all have certain things we desire in a mate, you will NEVER find them all in one person. I am a fit Black Male, and what I desire in a mate is someone who is responsible, domestic, health conscious, a Christian, smart, who haves a good sense of humor. These things are internal qualities that I seek and desire, which are reasonable when you get down to it. Now physically, I have a whole list of desires, but outside of someone being fit, as I am fit, there just that, DESIRES. I can desire a certain cup size, a certain foot size, a certain hair color, hair length, height and the like, but I do not DESERVE a person like that. Outside of my partner being fit, because that’s a lifestyle I lead, I don’t deserve a person who’s going to fit all my desires physically that I may have, it would just be nice.
You are still dealing with scars that you have received from your experiences dealing with race growing up, as well as your experiences going out with friends of other races and cultures. I understand that, because we all have them, men and women of all races, scars of some sorts. America is huge, do you really think that in a country where there are over 255 million people that you are doomed to be alone if you stay here? If you really think that out, you will realize that that is not even logical. You can go to certain parts of the world and be desired there more than other parts, this is truthful. Race relations are different from one country to the next, from one state to the next, from one town to the next. You are frustrated because you are not getting what you think you DESERVE! But you must re-check this thinking, and realize that you do not DESERVE what you desire, but it’s just that, desires. Touching on the white guys that thought you were attractive but were ridiculed for saying or voicing it by white peers, understand, white people in general make decisions based off of parents, family, and their friends expectations. They always have generally. That’s why often times they will date outside their race but never marry outside their race. They do not want to deal with the coming backlash or conflict they will face from their family and friends. In my opinion, they are not built for it. I do not mean genetically, because genetically we are all the same, but they have not been groomed in that way to face adversity. Black Males have faced adversity sense a very early age, so they have been groomed and shaped and are able to withstand ANY backlash they should encounter.
Think of a guitar player. At first playing the guitar hurts your finger, after a while, your fingers callus over and hardens, before you know it your flying across the strings and your fingers don’t hurt anymore. Now, I am not saying that ALL Black males are strong, and that ALL White males are not, I am generalizing, and not including all, and from your experiences in school, you can relate and identify with the statement I made above, which is based off of the social economical dichotomy we have in this country. Facing adversity and ill-treatment will do one of two things: Build a strong character and a strong man; or 2) break a man down.
Now to touch on Black males you have things in common with who just wants to date women outside of their race, aren’t you sort of in that boat yourself? All your scars and self-esteem problems seem to stem from not being accepted or treated the same from white guys you’ve been trying to date outside of your race vs. how they were treating your friends. They called you names, treated you indifferently, and helped fuel you on a downward spiral of degraded self-esteem. So why would you still seek trying to date them if this has been your experience? Let me make this clear, I am not advocating dismissing an entire race off of the actions of some or a few, but at some point you have to do a reassessment. As I stated, I am a Black Male, and I have always been more successful in dating women of other races than I have dating Black girls. Why is that? I’ve asked myself that a thousand times over, but at the end of the day, I play the cards I’m dealt. If I was successful at dating Asian women and that’s who found me appealing the most, I would probably just date Asian women. Regardless of the color I am, I’m going to do what I’m successful at. But I’m not going to go back and continue to do the thing that causes me frustration, hurt and pain. I have a friend, Black women love him, so that’s who he dates mostly. That’s his path. He may marry one and have and raise another Martin Luther King Jr. I on the other hand, might marry someone white, and have and raise another Sade or Alicia Keys, etc..
And if your time in Europe was so refreshing, why did you come back? I am assuming all the men that was asking you out there for the most part were white Europeans, which is why I adjoined you to that Black male that you were referencing above that only dates outside of his race whom on paper you seem to be very compatible with. I would strongly suggest that you re-evaluate your thinking on what you DESERVE, vs. what you desire. Because to be honest with you, as people, we think we deserve a lot more then we actually do. I will tell you this, men are very simple creatures. Most mean desire a woman that’s domestic. We are not impressed by a woman’s educational accolades as women make think. This is not even in our top 5 of what we seek in a woman. We do not select women on the same criteria that women select men. A woman who can cook a good meal when a man comes home from work, will nab a husband quicker leading with that foot then a woman who has a double masters and leads with that foot.
Now that my long comment is over, I would like to add, that those guys who treated you like that growing up and when you go out were JERKS!
@Liquidsnake,Thanks for the really great comment. I know my comment was long, and I went off on a tangent at times. I did want to address a few things, however.
For one, a lot of the guys that did contact me with Ebonics, were black, but not all. Some were white to be honest. But I think that’s what bothers me the most, all other races of women are expected and typically are “allowed” only select mates that have the same (or higher) socio-economic/educational standing. But stating that I do not find guys from the ghetto attractive is somehow expecting that there’s a disconnect between what I think I deserve and what I actually deserve. (From what I got at least, but maybe I am just over exaggerating the claim you made. Feel free to clarify, I think I may be wrong).
I did take every sentence of your post seriously, and I will be spending some time reevaluating my beliefs on a lot of things. I however, will not be lowering my standards just to find anyone. I guess I’d rather be alone than end up with a guy I don’t have anything in common with and am not attracted to. I recently joined match.com hoping that maybe it was just okcupid that had that problem. But in actuality match.com is even worse. I would say over 80% of the guys I am matched with all do not date black women. So far I have received a few page views, but almost no messages from guys under 40 (I am in my early 20s). The few I did get from guys under 40 were from very unattractive guys, some were borderline obese, while others were just socially awkward. i.e sending me multiple messages every few days, after I sent them a “not interested” email. Or would send emails asking me personal questions.Signing up for match.com was such a waste of time ( and money).
As for attraction I find all races attractive, for me attractive is not just looks. But how a guy carries himself, his goals, ambitions, desires, how he treats women etc. I do find black males attractive though, but I should have stated that on more than one occasion after mutual flirting. I took a leap and told them how I felt, or asked them out. Only to be turned down and given the response ” I don’t date black women.” Now I know I shouldn’t have just stopped trying, but with most black guys I find attractive I have. It’s happened five times so far in my life. I don’t think I can do it again. Leaving me with only black guys I don’t find attractive (overweight, uneducated, ghetto etc.)
I completely agree about your point about adversity. I also think that may explain a bit of the difference between white guys in Europe and that of ones in N.America. The ones in Europe have immediate family, that are still alive that have experienced war, famine, disease, and oppression in their own backyards. And although they haven’t felt it personally, I feel they understand it a little bit better. Especially the importance of questioning your culture, government and society. (The French especially embody that).
As for being maternal and what not. I do actually know how to cook, and clean and what not. I grew up with a very traditional mother and father. She pushed me and my siblings to work hard in school as much as she pushed us to do house work and what not stating that “we would never get married if we didn’t learn how to (insert task here)”. I am well put together, really into fashion, I am feminine. I take care of my hair really well, so it’s fairly long (almost mid back length). I dress feminine, I stay in shape. Lack of femininity would be the last thing anyone would use to describe me.
I am Canadian by the way. Although I travel to America quite often, as half of my family lives there. So its more like having less than 33 million people to choose from (half of which are women, another half are either too old, or to young. Then a good chunk is married or in some sort of committed relationship, then narrow down all the men who refuse to date black women, and then all the men who I don’t have anything in common with or don’t find attractive). In the end I actually don’t have much to choose from. And as I get older. I feel that I have to choose between being single for the rest of my life, compromising with someone I can never be happy with, or moving away from all my friends and family and starting over in Europe. The upside being that I can easily find a quality guy willing to go out with me, and my future children (if I am so inclined to have any) won’t have to deal with what I grew up with. Which leads to the next point..
I guess for me my biggest deal is that I have been struggling to not having to admit that women like myself don’t “deserve”a quality guy based on my race. But as I get older I am finding it to be the case. For the many nights I find myself alone (either at home or out), regardless of my personality, regardless of my looks. I realize that no matter what I do, average and below average women of other races will always be able to find a good quality match before I do. And I don’t know if I want to bring kids in this culture knowing how hard I am having it, and knowing how hard they will have it just for having my genes (even if its half). In some ways I find, being black in the North American dating market is a close second to having a visual disability. It is not a slight against those who are disabled. It is just a comparison to the mind set. Many people will pass over those who are disabled, even if they possess all the other criteria they want in a partner. Based on the fact that they are disabled. In the same vain, I am finding many people doing the same for me as a black female. I am fun to hang around with, and occupy time with, or even use to get close to my other raced friends but that’s about it.
I was only studying in Europe, once my Visa ran out I had to return home unfortunately. But I think about how much I want to return everyday. I wish I didn’t have to return.
(Also for your last comment, you’d be so surprised how long it took me to realize that most were just plain jerks. I realized instantly the guys who’ve spilled drinks on me are jerks though so all hope is not lost for me yet. I guess I was just young and naive, for years I thought it something was deeply wrong with me. Either than I am hideous, or boring, or any other negative adjective.)
Hey I read your response. I hope everything is good on your end. Allow me to clarify and expand upon the first part your response. “But I think that’s what bothers me the most, all other races of women are expected and typically are “allowed” only select mates that have the same (or higher) social-economic/educational standing”
I’m not saying that you have to settle for someone who has less social, economical, or educational standing then yourself. You are well within your right to seek out someone you feel you will be compatible with. But please understand, depending on what you accomplished in your life, if more then half people have not made it that far, you have already excluded more then half of the population were you reside. I will use white women or men as an example since you live in Canada. There’s are an overwhelmingly more white population in Canada then Black population, so by the shear numbers, white men and women can afford to be a little more selective base just off of the numbers. Their numbers affords this to them numerically. Where you stated there are not many black people in Canada in comparison, and a lot of them that are there (guys)that you would consider, “mate potential”, only date woman outside of their race. I am NOT, and do NOT, suggest dating someone who is not intelligent, who is not ambitious to some extent, or anyone that is not respectful. But I think you may place too much emphasis on the social, economical, educational thing of it all. If you have a Masters, does he have to have a Masters? If so, why? What about a Bachelors or a Associates? Some careers don’t require a Masters. What about a person who has a trade like and Electrician, who may not have necessarily went to school but enter his profession through an apprenticeship and is brilliant at what he does and is ambitious. What about salary, If you make xxxxx, and he makes xxxx, does this disqualify him? These are hard questions that you have to answer. Because it is in a woman naturally, for a man to take care of them. So when you accomplish so much educationally and career wise, you are seeking someone on the same level as you or higher as you stated, so they can take care of you or at least “match” you let’s say.
But here’s the thing, Men do not like to Compete against there woman. I have this so you should have that. The reason why this is an issue, is because we do not pick or choose our mates that way. When a man pursues a woman, most men do not consider her education at the top of the list. As long as she can hold a conversation, she doesn’t have to have a Masters or a Bachelors degree. So even though a man may have a PHD, a masters, or a bachelors, he does not require his wife to be or girlfriend to have these things. Nor does he require her to make 6-figures or at least 80,000 a year, like a lot of professional women require their potential mates to do, because they have found success in their respected career field. Most men do not pick woman based on the metrics that your using. What appeals to a man when were looking for a mate, is totally different then what appeals to a woman when looking for a mate.
I was making a statement based off of your categorizing people of a lower status as “beings”, as if they were “less-than”. Because to GOD, we are all less than. No amount of education is going to win favoritism from him over another person. Because GOD does not look at external achievements, he values the intent and what’s inside of a person(heart). In any event, I have notice, the more education or money a person makes or acquires, the more they feel they deserve. They start to get a “this is what I deserve attitude because this is what I accomplished”. But here’s the thing, I’ve know women who have had NOTHING, no car or career job, but made statements that they would not date a guy who didn’t have a car, even though they did not have a car. So although there are many women who have accomplished a lot educationally and professionally, Men still wield the majority of the power professionally on a global scale, and if we were to exercise your metrics in looking for a potential mate, there would be many woman not married now. Because most people simply do not fulfill all of the metrics or the “bar” that’s being set. Most people don’t make 6-figures so if that is used as a criteria, you will have a more difficult time finding a mate. Most people don’t hold Master or PHD’s. Most people are between an Associates and a Bachelors, and some have neither, but like I said, have learned their trade through an apprentice program.
I would like to address this as well: “Only to be turned down and given the response ” I don’t date black women.” Now I know I shouldn’t have just stopped trying, but with most black guys I find attractive I have. It’s happened five times so far in my life. I don’t think I can do it again”
Welcome to the other side of dating. This is NOTHING new for guys, lol. Welcome to what we go through on the regular. Rejection. But if they weren’t interested in black women then they should not have responded to your email. It is a dating site and not a friend site.
I would like to respond to this as well: “I guess for me my biggest deal is that I have been struggling to not having to admit that women like myself don’t “deserve”a quality guy based on my race. But as I get older I am finding it to be the case”
If you are a quality girl, you deserve a quality guy. Period. But what metrics you are using to determine if a guy is “quality” or not? Advanced education and high salary does not equal a “quality person”. These are external tags, but they do not depict a persons character. I think you need to base more emphasis on what a person has going on internally, and not so much on social, economical, and educational status. Desire someone who is intelligent, but a higher degree does not necessarily equal that. A person with an Associates degree, can be way more intelligent then a person with a Bachelors degree. It really depends on the individual and how they apply themselves to what it is they’re doing or studying. Higher degrees just equate to extra years, doesn’t equate to intelligence level. Jayz, smart business mind, NO DEGREE. 50 Cent, smart business mind, NO DEGREE. Bill Gates, smart business mind, College Dropout! To further nail the point home, there are people in prison as we speak for dumb stuff, but while they were in there, read every book imaginable, no DEGREE, but now more intelligent then when that person went in. And some of them get degrees in their now. You can use secondary education as a filter, but it should not be a “hard filter”, meaning if you want someone that has a secondary education that’s fine, I would want the same for the most part, but don’t put a Degree to it like a Masters or a PHD. You’re just shooting yourself in the foot and shrinking your dating pool. If you find someone who has all the things that your looking for as far as education, salary, looks, does not mean you will be compatible? This person still has an “personality”, and it may not gel with yours, regardless of if they have the external tags your looking for. If your really a good person like you said you are, domestic, smart, fit, like taking care of yourself for you and your man, then who’s lost is it really? You sound like the kind of person any guy would want. But I will say this, not to beat a dead horse, cause I know he’s probably dead. Men want a partner in a woman, not a competitor. If he feels he has to compete with you on a money level, educational level, or anything like that, he will not stick around. If a man makes 70000 yr salary, (figure I’d use a number instead of xxxx to make it more realistic) and a women says he needs to make at least 85 or 90 to be with her or on “her level”, that man is gone! A man does not and will not compete for control over the house, regardless of what the salary or educational discrepancies there are.
I will tell you something, its not that most men are intimidated by a woman who makes more money, but a woman who makes more money feels she can control and run the relationship. Men are BUILT to be in control and to lead. We will not compete for something that is in us to do naturally. There is more to a man then his degrees, which is why he can make you feel like your on cloud 9, and have the ability to make you feel like your whole world just came crashing down. We can see the value in a good woman, and it ain’t got nothing (“ain’t got nothing”, yeah I said it) to do with her degrees or her salary. Trust me. Imho, I think you just need to use your metrics or your filter in finding a man as a guide, but it should not be in stone as far as exacts and detailed specifics.
You being black does not limit you, although you may feel like that. I know you feel that way because other people are stupid, and if your surrounded by a bunch of stupid people, it’s easy to buy into it. And what your saying is very real, people do judge you and I based strictly off of our skin color most of time before we even speak. You’re disqualified before you even go to the starting line. But, that’s there problem, don’t make it yours. And your only 23,24, why are you rushing?? I know you want someone whom you’ll be compatible, but I really honestly think you will find someone. Don’t date someone who’s a thug black or white or who has 6 kids. Why should you? You made some good decisions in your life to put you into a good position, so be with someone else who’s made or is making good decisions. Just remember, what I said about the metrics.
Long ass note is done.