Every dating website asks you the same question: what ethnicity are you looking for in a mate? You think about, feel a little uncomfortable, then read over the dreaded options…
- Black/African Descent
- East Indian
- Middle Eastern
- Native American
- Pacific Islander
- Sorry If We Left Anyone Out, We’re Really Trying Hard Not To Be Offensive About This. Again, We’re Really Super Sorry, All Races Are Great. Even Middle Easterners! Sorry, Especially Middle Easterners! Sorry! Did We Say We’re Sorry? Sorry!
It really is that awkward. I mean, is there any process that is so incredibly PC andracist simultaneously? Because, as a white person, I’m totally cool with you just calling us “White” or “Caucasian”, Match, you really don’t have to do both. And I don’t know any black people, but I’ve seen them on TV, and I have a feeling they’d be fine with you leaving out “African Descent” too. But even as these dating websites stumble all over themselves to handle this with sensitivity, they’re asking you, essentially, to pick which races you like. Or which races you’d like to date, if that distinction makes you feel less icky. And so what do you do?
Well, if you’re anything like me, and for your sake I really hope that you’re not, you click the box next to “All.” All races. That’s who you’d like to date. Even though it’s not really who you’d like to date, you just feel it’s the right message to send out to the universe. You are a Modern Thinker. Open Minded. You will Date Anyone — regardless of color, race, or creed. And then, when Match sends you your liberal, open-minded options, you calmly look them over, then click only on the pictures of the races that interest you. Because not only are you not Open Minded, but you’re also a wuss.
For a while, I did this. I told my computer I would date anyone, just so it thought I was a nice person, and then proceeded to look only at white people. It was pathetic, frankly. And I have a feeling that perhaps you are equally pathetic. I didn’t want to be racist, so instead I was just racist very, very quietly. And it cost me time, convenience, and made precisely zero people feel better. So I have stopped clicking “All.” Now I just click “White,” and have come to terms with being just a little bit of a dick. (On all other topics, I’m a huge dick.)
Make no mistake, this is definitely racist. Saying you don’t want to date Blacks, or Asians, or Native Americans because you’re just not attracted to them isracist. It’s just not offensive. At least, in my opinion. I, myself, am simply not attracted people who aren’t White. As much as it hurts my liberal leanings and Democratic voting record to say so, it’s the truth. I don’t dislike them, I just don’t feel the urge to sex them. Black ladies don’t turn my head in a crowd. Middle Eastern women don’t catch my eye in a bar. Asian girls just don’t turn me on. Unless I’m looking for someone to iron a real crisp collar onto my shirt, then I got all hot and bothered. (I kid, I kid). And, as it’s an exclusionary practice decided entirely by the color of one’s skin, that’s racist. But does anyone really care?
There will not be, I don’t think, a rash of race riots outside the It’s Not a Match offices when minorities learn they will probably not be dating me. Primarily because we don’t have offices. But also because there’s two kinds of racism. There’s good racism, and bad racism. OK, scratch that. There’s no such thing as good racism. But there’s accidental racism. You can’t help who you’re attracted to. If a group of people just doesn’t do it for you, they just don’t do it for you. So there’s no need to be bashful and apologetic about your preferences. Ask the average person if they’re interested in dating someone from X or Y race, and they’ll hem and haw before they give you an answer. “Well…I never have…but I would, I just…you know, I don’t know. Sure, I would. I guess, yeah, I would!” Translation: no, they wouldn’t. But what are they so awkward about? Some people are attracted to people from all races, some people are not. Just like some people like short people, tall people, fat people, or very fat people. To each his own! Unless you preferences are formed by hate or idiocy, then you need not apologize. It’s nice, but it’s stupid. Like what you like, wussypants.
But let me guess, you still feel uncomfortable, don’t you? If you’re not sure whether your dating preferences make you a bad racist or an understandable one, please consult the Official It’s Not a Match Guide to Dating Bigotry…
If any of the following are reasons you DON’T want to date someone, you’re BAD RACIST.
- You’re concerned about spending every date eating Szechuan chicken, fried chicken, chicken curry, chicken kebobs, or really any kind of specifically prepared chicken.
- You think you’re not good enough at math for them.
- You think you’re too good at math for them.
- You don’t watch UPN.
- Salsa gives you the toots.
- You “found Dances with Wolves boring.”
- You don’t think you have that much to say about the railroads.
- You have any opinion whatsoever about their music.
- You bet they won’t get that you’re wearing the white hood ironically.
- You haven’t been that pleased with Barack Obama.
If any of the following are reasons you DO want to date someone, you’re also BAD RACIST.
- You feel like you really “got” The Chappelle Show.
- You consider how comfortable you are taking the subway to be one of your best qualities.
- Finally, someone to watch sports with!
- You’ve always wanted to learn how to use a wok.
- Your kids “will look just like those little nesting dolls!”
- This will make your role play fantasies so much more authentic.
- You saw Three Amigos six times.
- You haven’t been that pleased with Barack Obama.