Every dating website asks you the same question: what ethnicity are you looking for in a mate? You think about, feel a little uncomfortable, then read over the dreaded options…
- Black/African Descent
- East Indian
- Middle Eastern
- Native American
- Pacific Islander
- Sorry If We Left Anyone Out, We’re Really Trying Hard Not To Be Offensive About This. Again, We’re Really Super Sorry, All Races Are Great. Even Middle Easterners! Sorry, Especially Middle Easterners! Sorry! Did We Say We’re Sorry? Sorry!
It really is that awkward. I mean, is there any process that is so incredibly PC andracist simultaneously? Because, as a white person, I’m totally cool with you just calling us “White” or “Caucasian”, Match, you really don’t have to do both. And I don’t know any black people, but I’ve seen them on TV, and I have a feeling they’d be fine with you leaving out “African Descent” too. But even as these dating websites stumble all over themselves to handle this with sensitivity, they’re asking you, essentially, to pick which races you like. Or which races you’d like to date, if that distinction makes you feel less icky. And so what do you do?
Well, if you’re anything like me, and for your sake I really hope that you’re not, you click the box next to “All.” All races. That’s who you’d like to date. Even though it’s not really who you’d like to date, you just feel it’s the right message to send out to the universe. You are a Modern Thinker. Open Minded. You will Date Anyone — regardless of color, race, or creed. And then, when Match sends you your liberal, open-minded options, you calmly look them over, then click only on the pictures of the races that interest you. Because not only are you not Open Minded, but you’re also a wuss.
For a while, I did this. I told my computer I would date anyone, just so it thought I was a nice person, and then proceeded to look only at white people. It was pathetic, frankly. And I have a feeling that perhaps you are equally pathetic. I didn’t want to be racist, so instead I was just racist very, very quietly. And it cost me time, convenience, and made precisely zero people feel better. So I have stopped clicking “All.” Now I just click “White,” and have come to terms with being just a little bit of a dick. (On all other topics, I’m a huge dick.)
Make no mistake, this is definitely racist. Saying you don’t want to date Blacks, or Asians, or Native Americans because you’re just not attracted to them isracist. It’s just not offensive. At least, in my opinion. I, myself, am simply not attracted people who aren’t White. As much as it hurts my liberal leanings and Democratic voting record to say so, it’s the truth. I don’t dislike them, I just don’t feel the urge to sex them. Black ladies don’t turn my head in a crowd. Middle Eastern women don’t catch my eye in a bar. Asian girls just don’t turn me on. Unless I’m looking for someone to iron a real crisp collar onto my shirt, then I got all hot and bothered. (I kid, I kid). And, as it’s an exclusionary practice decided entirely by the color of one’s skin, that’s racist. But does anyone really care?
There will not be, I don’t think, a rash of race riots outside the It’s Not a Match offices when minorities learn they will probably not be dating me. Primarily because we don’t have offices. But also because there’s two kinds of racism. There’s good racism, and bad racism. OK, scratch that. There’s no such thing as good racism. But there’s accidental racism. You can’t help who you’re attracted to. If a group of people just doesn’t do it for you, they just don’t do it for you. So there’s no need to be bashful and apologetic about your preferences. Ask the average person if they’re interested in dating someone from X or Y race, and they’ll hem and haw before they give you an answer. “Well…I never have…but I would, I just…you know, I don’t know. Sure, I would. I guess, yeah, I would!” Translation: no, they wouldn’t. But what are they so awkward about? Some people are attracted to people from all races, some people are not. Just like some people like short people, tall people, fat people, or very fat people. To each his own! Unless you preferences are formed by hate or idiocy, then you need not apologize. It’s nice, but it’s stupid. Like what you like, wussypants.
But let me guess, you still feel uncomfortable, don’t you? If you’re not sure whether your dating preferences make you a bad racist or an understandable one, please consult the Official It’s Not a Match Guide to Dating Bigotry…
If any of the following are reasons you DON’T want to date someone, you’re BAD RACIST.
- You’re concerned about spending every date eating Szechuan chicken, fried chicken, chicken curry, chicken kebobs, or really any kind of specifically prepared chicken.
- You think you’re not good enough at math for them.
- You think you’re too good at math for them.
- You don’t watch UPN.
- Salsa gives you the toots.
- You “found Dances with Wolves boring.”
- You don’t think you have that much to say about the railroads.
- You have any opinion whatsoever about their music.
- You bet they won’t get that you’re wearing the white hood ironically.
- You haven’t been that pleased with Barack Obama.
If any of the following are reasons you DO want to date someone, you’re also BAD RACIST.
- You feel like you really “got” The Chappelle Show.
- You consider how comfortable you are taking the subway to be one of your best qualities.
- Finally, someone to watch sports with!
- You’ve always wanted to learn how to use a wok.
- Your kids “will look just like those little nesting dolls!”
- This will make your role play fantasies so much more authentic.
- You saw Three Amigos six times.
- You haven’t been that pleased with Barack Obama.
I’m surprised you don’t mention Natural Mating Selection Theories. Mainly “The social and cultural background of a couple provides the context for the interpersonal processes.” We’re, for the most part, naturally programmed to find mating partners that look like us.
Don’t be surprised. I am nowhere near that smart…
Not true. This is a line used by white people to justify only dating other white people, when its really a subtle form of racial supremacism imo. If you look at the stats (a la OKCupid: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-race-affects-whether-people-write-you-back/) then your statement is contradicted by the data, since asian and latin women are more attracted to white males than “those that look like them.” This is about social acceptability. Women have their primative “cavewoman” preferences (tall, strong, lots of resources) and then they have their social preferences. Over time, dating certain races became “more acceptable” which is why it happens more. However, it would be more accurate to say that in our society, preference for white males is universal among females of all races. This is more proof that racial preferences in dating are driven by socially driven racism, not by some enlightened personal preference.
Why do you assume it’s only white people who won’t date outside their race? Why do you feel someone should be forced to date a person they’re not attracted to in order to be not racist? If someone prefers blondes or redheads, does that make them a racist? If someone likes blue or green eyes, does that make them a racist?
No one has to date someone they dont want to. We are going to have racial dating quotas now?
stats from some dating site filled with people who couldn’t get a date in person is not entirely scientific. for one, asian and latina women prefer attractive men of their own race over any white man; ever notice how the most attractive women from those races are with their own men. like you never really see attractive asian women with white men. attraction has more to do with human nature than you think. plus, anyone can see for themselves that most white males are ugly/average at best
The whole Latina white guys thing is nonsense. I don’t think people really u see stand these results. First of all you do know that white men represent econimal statutes for women right? That’s why many Latina and Asian women will date an ugly white guy just for money or like George Lopez says to become home owners jokingly. A lot of that isn’t attraction is just looking for a white man with money
Sure, people are free to like who they like, but come on—-let’s not pretend that society putting white people in general on a pedestal, along with white people being the dominant population, dosen’tb play a major part in who we find attractive, and who we like. Especially when society and the media have always depicted white people (especially white men) as more desirable than any other men in the world (which is some BS, to be honest) and shoves that down our throat from the time we’re just barely old enough to start recognizing race. So, for the author to claim he only likes white women and couldn’t possibly be attracted to any non-white women—come on. I seriously doubt that he’s had something in common with every white woman he’s been out with, of gotten along with all of them,or liked all of them, or that he hasn’t at least been attracted to one non-white woman, but just never got the guts to ask her out. So it’s been easier for him to date white women simply because they’re familiar and safe—and no having to step out of his safe zone. Honestly, to claim you’re attracted to only one type is like getting a bag of M&Ms and saying you only like the ones that are the color blue, and that you don’t like any of the other one that are different colors—it’s ridiculous. Also, people’s preferences change over time—you won’t like the same exact type of people to date at 38, as you did at 18, so there’s that to consider. Also, he’s basically going only by looks and features–they aren’t everything—he should at least try going on a date with a non-white lady to actually get to know her as a person, and stop being hung up on looks.
I’m attracted to hot people … regardless of race.
Me too Elizabeth. Are you hot?
That might just make you a slut..
Hey B, I agree w/ Elizabeth. Although all my past boyfriends aka serious relationships have been either white guys or Hispanic. So B, is that racist?
I’ve read (forgot the author, the book was “the third chimpanzee:) that we are genetically wired to be attracted to people who look like our second cousins…far enough away to ward off genetic mutation, close enough to be familar.
Personally (of Russian/Slavic/Mediterranean descent) i think Halle Berry is the hottest women in the world…though, a lot of folks wouldn’t consider her “African-american”…which brings up the stupidest part of this whole “labeling” business…who is white? Some geneticists suggest that less than 8% of the earths population could be “scientifically” considered to be of one race.
Halle Berry is hot. That is the extent of my scientific contribution.
Well, there you go, that is an irrefutable fact.
Well then Mr. I’m not racist, you just contradicted your whole post by stating Halle Berry is hot! This is the last time I waste time reading posts from idiots like you
Halle Berry is half English.
Post reminded me of a Men’s Health article I came across not too long ago… http://news.menshealth.com/new-research-your-girlfriend-is-a-horrible-person/2011/06/29/
So…its ok to exclude people based on race but not on attractiveness?
I kid…but only to drive home the point that the realities of what we find attractive tend to be a bit harsher than what people comfortably admit.
Hey, if Match had a “exclude all people that you don’t find attractive” button, I would use it and advocate others use it. The difference between the height and race issue is one of fairness. Short guys would like to be given a shot, Minorities couldn’t care less that I’m not interested.
That’s entirely ignorant and false. I’m mixed race and if a guy found me pretty because I look like an islander or native of hispanic (I do to many people) I would like for him to give me a shot even if my profile says black/white. The idea that’s okay to not like people based off of race is so entirely silly. I find it funny that people still tend to do this, but whatever. Evolving takes time.
I also only listed white/Caucasian/burns-but-doesn’t-tan for my preference, but Match still pairs me with many other races. I appreciate the quest for diversity, but their daily match methods aren’t worth a damn.
Agreed, you should check out my How is This my Match segment…
Nice! Other than a Benetton ad of diversity, I’ve also been matched with guys ranging from 18 – 67 (I’m 33), dominants-seeking-submissives, guys looking for “big boobies,” some very swarthy women, and a whole lot of “average” 280-lb. guys looking for a girl who is into “staying fit and taking care of herself.”
I have been chucking for sometime now. You friggin’ nailed it.
I am a minority in the country of residence. What surprises me is how the white folk criticize themselves for this while the rest of the world does it like it’s nobody’s business.
Who one screws is ones own preference, screw away. Morals are a shifting metric. Adhere to them too closely and you’ll find yourself no where when the society’s paradigm changes.
Happy porking, indeed.
This site slays me…
I wrote a small article (in my blog) on this a while back.
And I realized that I’m not a racist just because I’m usually attracted to White or Hispanic people, I’m quite normal actually. My choice to do so is just My “preference”.
The way I “preferer” Vanilla ice cream to any other ice cream. It’s like you said “about what we do/don’t like”. Nothing less and nothing more :)
When I decided to join match, I was fed up with wasting my time so I was not going to waste my time being PC. I did feel awkward checking the “I only want to date white people” box, but it’s what I did. I was getting off the proverbial pot and deciding once an for all what I wanted. I will admit that I was shallow. I have no doubt that some of the people I didn’t choose were GREAT people, but sorry… I don’t want to date a construction worker with 3 kids. After 24 hours on match.com I had narrowed my “matches” (Not my daily matches….ALL of my matches) to 3 people. I emailed all 3, received a response from one and we have been together for a year and a half. Political correctness is for the birds…
“but sorry… I don’t want to date a construction worker with 3 kids.” You had me before you added that part, which is definitely more than a little racist…
That’s probably why you’re still single.
I have a black friend on Match right now who only wants to date black guys, but refuses to check the box! She’s waisting their time and hers! On the other hand, I’m black. I truly am open to dating people outside of my race. So, if you don’t mean it, don’t check it! You’re just cluttering the pool for those of use who really are willing to look past race and height and all that other superficial nonsense.
And, if you’re roughly 5’6″ and black or not black with and interest & current events & the outdoors, know there’s a cute petite black girl Match who would not hesitate to email you back.
While I disagree with the notion that it’s “okay” to be so racially selective because as a student of psychology and sociology I know that there is a broader, deep, and ugly truth to why people feel that way, I do agree that if you’re a racist you should wear the badge. Stop wasting my time.
Problem is, some people do get attacked for checking off racial preferences. I’m a light-skinned mixed girl and I’ve never really been attracted to black guys, it’s just the physical attributes that I’m not particularly attracted to, not any judgements that I’m making about their personality or character. They’re just not my cup of tea.
But when some black guys see that I haven’t checked their box, they take it personally and feel the need to send me scathing messages like “what, a black man isn’t good enough for you?” and the like. At the same time when I’ve dated darker skinned black men I’ve had to deal with scathing looks from darker skinned women because I’m seen as “taking their good men”.
It’s really a double-edged sword for some people. But really I guess it should come down to not giving a damn about what strangers think of you. Life’s too short to worry about offending everyone when you’re just trying to be happy in your relationships.
Can they see that you haven’t checked their box? I didn’t realize that. And why does that sound so dirty?
Haha, yes, we can see that you didn’t check our box…you’re right that does sound a little 80’s porn-ish. You know how on Match you can see what another person is looking for in a mate? Well it also lists their ethnicity preferences too.
I don’t know how anyone else feels, but I’m more turned off by someone who has checked every race but mine, than someone who has only listed one race as a preference. I can understand only dating who looks like you, or having a fetish for a couple of races. However, when you list every single ethnic option except for one, I see that as more of a red flag for a racist against the race you did not select. Since there’s an option for no preference, I’m assuming that this was not just an error.
I always found it funny though that in response to my being open to all races I’ll often get the comment “Really, even Asian men?” Seriously, I get this a lot! Apparently, it’s like the “country music” of races. You know how people will say “I like all types of music, except country” But when I say open to all races, I mean it, just like I mean open to all music, even country :)
@ Ashley, exactly. Someone is always going to be offended. While there is beauty in all ethnicities, I know what kind of beauty I mainly respond to, asian. Many men dont like fit women with muscles, they prefer skinny thin, or sometimes even big. Big DEAL! Why would I lose sleep over that and try to analyze why so and so doesnt like me? They have the right to prefer whatever they prefer. There are men into fit toned women with defined arms, great for me, different strokes for different folks. Sure there’s conditioning for some “preferences” but then there are those preferences that are honest, not based on what society/magazines/the media deems as the best or acceptable (and clearly if that was the case for me, why would I even go for asians in the first place?). People need to breathe and realize that evey single thing about us cant be explained. Many things will remain mysteries and are not supposed to be overanalyzed. Embrace who you are, its not that serious.
And what about ageism? How many dating sites have age restriction? Do you know how many 19 year olds don’t want to date people in their 40s and 50s and so on? LOL
I know people “have a preference” but that racism is just so narrow-minded it’s sickening. I mean, I play a game, look at the picture and can usually tell whether they would be racist or not. I’m usually right. I’m multiracial, athletic, and have a similar look to The Rock (with hair). If I just see white/caucasian, I just pass them by. My girlfriend was looking for a white guy but met me at a singles event and fell in love with me at first site. You’re missing out on quality people just lumping yourself into one category. I’m attracting to good looking people. I don’t care what the race is. I’m not attracted to very dark girls but that doesn’t discount a race? It’s just silly and ignorant.
Racism is natural! I am a fit, educated male of indian decent, and no I am not the skinny balding nerd types either lol. But I can understand why a white girl would not want to date me. We think we’ve evolved to acting purely on logic and intellectual reasoning but we’ve not! On the other hand I am lucky to not have gotten dates, i’ve spent that time doing other things i love, like riding my harley upstate Ny and checking out backroads, learning how to play the slide guitar, working with animals, learning how to cook and traveling. At this point I don’t even miss being attracted to someone or wish being attractive to someone. Life is good.
Also to add I respect all the women who make their racial preference very clear. This saves a lot of guys of minority decent a lot of time and energy. I just checked out match.com out and most of the women have checked caucasian on their preference list. In a way this is great, because I wont waste my time emailing them, and they wont have to waste their time opening my mail only to have to discard it. Being honest about how you feel is much more practical and honest then being politically correct.
I dont know why I am not attracted to black women. Seriosly just black women. wtf is wrong with me?
There is no reason to tell someone that their race is why you aren’t attracted to them, the same way you wouldn’t say, “I don’t date fat chicks,” even if it’s true, and even if you can’t help it. That’s why having these filters makes sense, but why it makes no sense for match.com to show others what your filters are.
When you do a search on okstupid you can filter based on race so only those you choose show up when you are browsing profiles/choosing who to stalk/message. but it doesn’t outwardly offend anyone by announcing, “Sorry, I’m excluding you based solely on your race.”
I see no reason why NOT to date someone purely because of race! Listen If it’s ok to say: I’ll only date tall guys then whats the matter with saying I’ll only date white guys! Racism is a natural phenomenon there is NO way around it. It would assuage a lot of anxiety for the people who wish to deny it if they would just accept it.
That’s pure BS. Since race is a social construct– and the way we view ‘race’ nowadays came from 500 years ago– it means racism is a social construct. Period. Racism is not natural, so get over yourself and stop trying to justify it.
Some of the assertions made both by the author, as well as those in the comment section, are possibly some of the most ignorant misconceptions I’ve read in my life. Seriously… did any of you go to college? For one to assume that they would never find someone outside of their race sexually attract when we are ALL HUMANS and there are literally MILLIONS of people excluded in such a statement is absolutely sickening. The saddest part is that the author harbors racist ideology subconsciously without even knowing it ( or maybe he’s simply postering and is well aware of the fact that his comments were hurtful and reeking of ignorance). The fact is that we are not biologically predisposed to being sexually attracted to those who look like us, there is absolutely no scientific evidence supporting this, and in fact the contrary has been supported by numerous objective studies. In fact, to only be attracted to one’s race seems… incestuous to me.Think about it from an objective perspective… If you met someone of a different race that was smart, exotic, objectively attractive and youthful, and had an amazing personality, and you would rather be with someone that looked like they could be related to you that is wrong and perverse on so many levels. I pray for the day that ignorant people such as yourself with realize that there IS something unnatural about only being attracted to your race and perpetuated not by biology in any sense of the word, but rather by hundreds and hundreds of years of racism and psychological indoctrination.
I honestly don’t see how having a racial preference when it comes to choosing a mate is Racist. Are you prejudicial because you have a gender, sexual orientation, religion, disability, and age preference? You’re not saying you don’t want to date them because you think you’re superior. If you eventually want to have kids you should really think about it, it’s your business. I mean I wouldn’t choose to re-produce with someone who has Down syndrome, but that doesn’t mean I dislike them, it means I don’t find them attractive and I want to have healthy children, and that’s my business. And I dooo find woman of other racial decent attractive, but just like white girls I’m attracted to different characteristics, now does that make me shallow? If that’s the case I should have shaked up with the first woman who through herself at me years ago just to be a nice guy, I mean I wouldn’t want to be selfish now.
Being race conscious is fine! nothing wrong with it! we are all different for a reason! black, white, asian, Nature did not intend us to be the same, hence did not make us the same! think about it? In my opinion people should not date out of their race.
I live in the US am successful in the top `10 percent and I enjoy what the west has given me, occasionally I will have fun with white or black women, for experiment. But when it comes to marriage i will only marry a indian woman. I have to think about what i want my children to be! this is very important as I wish my bloodline to be pure indian, just the way my ancestors were.
I don’t think it is racist. It is just your preference. We don’t call gay people sexist for only dating men; it is just their preference as well.
The “gay” argument is flawed… There are WAY more biological, physiological, and social differences between males and females then there are of two people of the same gender but different races. Even moreso in the U.S., where the average black has approximately 21 percent Caucasian ancestry, and more than half of American whites have African (black) ancestry. You’re essentially saying that physically, an Indian male and woman are more physically alike than an Indian woman and a black woman, which science makes it pretty clear is not the case. So, yes, it DOES make you shallow and racist. The most racist thing about it however, is that you actually have the audacity to place millions and millions of non-white women, some of who may which have more in common with you culturally and interest-wise, some of who are certainly more objectively attractive than you are, and lump them all into one category – undesirable and not worth you even getting to know them, which is b.s.
But judging by your lack of grammar skills and logical thinking, they aren’t missing out on much so maybe you are actually doing them a favor!
Furthermore, history has REPEATEDLY shown us over and over again that nations who have truly made racial progress are multiracial/interracial societies where there is an abundance of intermixing between the two. Look it up for yourself. The marker of true racial progress will be when people don’t even think in terms of race at all. You are an example of what is wrong with this country – you are racist and socially conditioned to be prejudiced, yet you don’t even realize it. Yet that’s exactly what you are doing when you use race as a predetermining factor. The Down Syndrome argument is flawed as well – biologically we are not wired to be attracted to unhealthy people, period. Yet, there is not biological determinant that would make us apprehensive about dating a perfectly healthy person of the opposite sex because they would be just as capable of producing healthy offspring as someone of the same race.
Oh, another thing I would like to add is that, if racial preferences were REALLY based on inherent biological leanings, and not fueled by social/ media bias and racism, then you would only be drawn to girls that have the exact same racial percentages as you do: For instance, if you are 85% white, 10% native american, and 5% black, then you would only be attracted to women that have this exact genetic makeup, and not 100% Russian girls or whatever that may be because technically you wouldn’t be the same race. Many “white” Americans are a lot less white than they think they are, especially compared to their Northern European counterparts.
All very well written. I couldn’t say it better myself.
Last comment: This OKCupid study supports what I’m saying: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-race-affects-whether-people-write-you-back/
Although the white women in the study showed a higher preference of white men than men of other races, Asian and Hispanic women preferred white men ALMOST EXCLUSIVELY, preferring them over other races of men including there own. Why is this? Because our society places a higher value to white men than other men, less perceived negative stereotypes, and we are SOCIALLY CONDITIONED by the media and the racism within society to believe that white men are more attractive and desriable for a mate. If this wasn’t the case, than the majority of Asian and Hispanic women would prefer men of their own race.
JJ nailed it on the head. Social and Economical conditioning. That is the root. Society determines whats beautiful, what’s appealing, qualifications for success, etc. Years ago, women were scorned for having big butts universally, with the exception of some minority ethnic groups, such as blacks (bohemian, haitian, brazillian, african americans, etc) and hispanics (mexicans, columbian, cubans, dominicans, etc).
But now it has been accepted but more importantly celebrated as being “attractive and beautiful”. This is something black and hispanic men have always found beauty in, but now white cultural has decided or found this to be appealing as well. So now this is the media trend. Not all white men, let me make that clear, like girls who have butts on the bigger side. I have white friends who don’t like girls with big butts at all, lol. But my point being is, we are being conditioned as a society and groomed on what’s attractive and what’s not, or what’s appealing or more appealing or what’s not. 90 percent of attractive women on television, be it commercials or shows, are white. If 90 percent of women on television and commercials were attractive black women, then black women would be greatly desired over any other group. So the brain-washing and the conditioning starts there. This is why the numbers are so far off. Why would a person of another racial group, over-overwhelmingly prefer a partner of another group? Touching on Asian and Hispanics specifically, as someone up top bought these two groups up. There seeing white men as a “status symbol” for success and social equity.
This “preference” has a root, and it’s not just a “I am just attracted to white girls\men”. There is much more behind it. Whether you choose to explore it or not is another thing. Beauty is Beauty. No man can tell me different. Beauty does not start the color of the individual, it starts with features. The shape of the face, shape of the mouth, eye size shape and color, etc. It’s certain features that catches our eyes and translate to beauty to the person that is beholding it. Skin color can add to beauty, but it cannot take a way from it. Beauty is Beauty.
but you’re taking about a dating site, of which many of the users are desperate and/or unattractive. in real life, for example, you never really see attractive asian or latina women with white men, as they are always with men of their own race. attraction actually has more to do with human nature than anything else. and regardless of what the media shows, anyone can see for themselves that most of the white men they encounter in real life are actually ugly or average looking, at best. also, if what you’re saying is true, wouldn’t asian and latino men also prefer white women over their own?
preference is preference..period..i date within my own race but I don’t hate anyone.so if I date just blondes I guess I hate bruntettes?? some of you people aren’t very educated as to what the difference is between preference and racism is and you made up or fabricated the definition/.become educated and learn the difference.i don’t date overweight people but I don’t hate overweight people.most of you uneducated puds are claiming it’s racist merely because in being bias it’s not giving other people the option of being chosen..that’s not racism you morons.a person can date people with blue eyes but not hate or have disdain for people with brown eyes.it’s called preference.i date within my own race for reasons of culture not skin color.i grew up in a certain culture and feel most comfortable there./i don’t date to be diverse i date who i know i’ll have most things in common.with and that’s going to be someone within my own race/only uneducated flakes would consider someone racist because they don’t do everything socially with divserity in mind.
Warning this is long! *
I think it’s foolish to assume that “preference” doesn’t hurt anyone. And as a white male it’s something you’d probably never understand. Preferences aren’t innocent likes and dislikes. They are 100percent rooted in what your society has conditioned you to believe is beautiful and acceptable. It excludes 100s of millions of women based on stereotypes and prejudice.
It has a profound influence on the women you exclude. As a nonwhite woman growing up in a mostly white school. It meant that I was never seen as a possible relationship partner. I was never asked out, when people referred to females it usually excluded me. Despite the fact that objectively I was seen as attractive. Some guys even secretly liked me although the one time one guy said I was attractive aloud his friends shamed him. Calling me ugly and made fun of him for saying it. Black women especially don’t have the luxury of being treated like actual women. After starting college. I still wasn’t asked out very often and most of the time it was just so they could experiment and tell everyone they did. It really affected my self esteem. I started dating guys I thought I was worth. Usually uneducated unattractive men that were borderline abusive, some were. When I thought I found a keeper he’d laugh at my face with the idea that I’d possibly think I’d be good enough to be brought home to their parents. Or even consider our relationship would ever become serious despite it having everything we both wanted in a relationship.
I’m very fit. Yet when I go to clubs where the majority of people are white. I’m completely ignored. I’ve had men spill drinks on me and not even notice and push me out of the way to speak to my very blonde friend. I’ve had doors that were held by males slammed in my face once all my white and Asian female friends walked through them. (Even the unattractive and overweight ones). I’ve had guys buy drinks for the group but excluded buying one for me.
That is not the way any woman should live.
But here’s why preference is nothing more than overt racism.
My experience in Europe was entirely the opposite. When I went to clubs I had to bat guys away with a stick. Very attractive tall fit ones too. They’d stop me in the street to tell me I’m beautiful. Most of the time they ignored that same blonde friend in North America. For the first time I felt what it was like to be female. To have guys ask you out and truly find you desirable. I’ve had guys clamour to talk to me. When I told some of them my experience at home. They were shocked. They couldn’t conceive of something like that happening to “a nice funny girl, who looked like me” (their words not mine). I was on average asked out more times in one week there than I ever was in my entire life. I lived there for over a year.
Now that I’ve returned home. Dating has been a miserable experience. Every day my self esteem is challenged. I tried online dating. Again just more pain. I’ll read a guys profile we would have a lot in common. I get a little excited I’d scroll down. Usually every race but my own is checked for preference. Or just white, middle eastern and/or Asian. Now I just scroll down first to check before wasting my time with the rest of the profile.
The black guys aren’t any better. The ones who have the traits I like exclusively only date women of other races. Which leaves my inbox full of overweight 50+ white guys (I’m in my early 20s). And unattractive black guys that send me messages entirely in ebonics or messages with more “words” in the sentence than there are letters. As a student studying to enter a medical related field you can imagine that I’d have nothing in common with such a being. I don’t. Most have barely finished highschool.
I’m seriously tired of the north American dating market. I’ve accepted that if I stay here I’ll either end up alone or having to settle for a man I don’t find attractive and have nothing in common with.
Needless to say. I hate north America. I wish I could go back to Europe.
At least there I was seen as female. And for the most part an attractive woman was just that. An attractive woman that they’d love to have a relationship with. As a science student I’ll let you all know. Racism isn’t natural. Ethnic mixing however, is.
That was a long comment, but I enjoyed the read so no worries!!
You touch on a lot of different points, so I’ll try and touch on them as well. I had a very broad base of friends, the majority of them white, do to where I live and the demographics. A couple of Asian friends and a few of Mexican descent. As a Black male going out with my white friends, a lot of times it was the same. It was the same in the sense that I was being excluded from being seen as a possible dating option because of my race regardless of my personality, knowledge base, etc. etc. Being a male, I’ve never experience some of the unique things that you mention due to you being a woman, such as not having drinks bought for me but for all your white friends, or having drinks accidentally spilled on me and no apology, but the exclusion I can definitely relate too.
I will say this though, you seem to have a negative perception of Black Males, I say that because of this statement: “Ebonics or messages with more “words” in the sentence than there are letters. As a student studying to enter a medical related field you can imagine that I’d have nothing in common with such a being”
Such a being? Are you kidding me? It’s great that your achieving your goals and excelling in your education, but that statement speaks volumes to what you think of people who have not travel the road you have, or who may not have had the opportunities that you had. The fact that a person “barely finished High School” in your statement, does not mean I would have nothing in common with them. I would have to know them to know that, but from an educational standpoint, we do not match. You come off as very judgmental, that is in itself a bad quality to exhibit. Your comment also speaks of a sense of “entitlement”. You feel you “deserve” or you’re “entitled” to be with a certain kind of person. We all have certain things we desire in a mate, you will NEVER find them all in one person. I am a fit Black Male, and what I desire in a mate is someone who is responsible, domestic, health conscious, a Christian, smart, who haves a good sense of humor. These things are internal qualities that I seek and desire, which are reasonable when you get down to it. Now physically, I have a whole list of desires, but outside of someone being fit, as I am fit, there just that, DESIRES. I can desire a certain cup size, a certain foot size, a certain hair color, hair length, height and the like, but I do not DESERVE a person like that. Outside of my partner being fit, because that’s a lifestyle I lead, I don’t deserve a person who’s going to fit all my desires physically that I may have, it would just be nice.
You are still dealing with scars that you have received from your experiences dealing with race growing up, as well as your experiences going out with friends of other races and cultures. I understand that, because we all have them, men and women of all races, scars of some sorts. America is huge, do you really think that in a country where there are over 255 million people that you are doomed to be alone if you stay here? If you really think that out, you will realize that that is not even logical. You can go to certain parts of the world and be desired there more than other parts, this is truthful. Race relations are different from one country to the next, from one state to the next, from one town to the next. You are frustrated because you are not getting what you think you DESERVE! But you must re-check this thinking, and realize that you do not DESERVE what you desire, but it’s just that, desires. Touching on the white guys that thought you were attractive but were ridiculed for saying or voicing it by white peers, understand, white people in general make decisions based off of parents, family, and their friends expectations. They always have generally. That’s why often times they will date outside their race but never marry outside their race. They do not want to deal with the coming backlash or conflict they will face from their family and friends. In my opinion, they are not built for it. I do not mean genetically, because genetically we are all the same, but they have not been groomed in that way to face adversity. Black Males have faced adversity sense a very early age, so they have been groomed and shaped and are able to withstand ANY backlash they should encounter.
Think of a guitar player. At first playing the guitar hurts your finger, after a while, your fingers callus over and hardens, before you know it your flying across the strings and your fingers don’t hurt anymore. Now, I am not saying that ALL Black males are strong, and that ALL White males are not, I am generalizing, and not including all, and from your experiences in school, you can relate and identify with the statement I made above, which is based off of the social economical dichotomy we have in this country. Facing adversity and ill-treatment will do one of two things: Build a strong character and a strong man; or 2) break a man down.
Now to touch on Black males you have things in common with who just wants to date women outside of their race, aren’t you sort of in that boat yourself? All your scars and self-esteem problems seem to stem from not being accepted or treated the same from white guys you’ve been trying to date outside of your race vs. how they were treating your friends. They called you names, treated you indifferently, and helped fuel you on a downward spiral of degraded self-esteem. So why would you still seek trying to date them if this has been your experience? Let me make this clear, I am not advocating dismissing an entire race off of the actions of some or a few, but at some point you have to do a reassessment. As I stated, I am a Black Male, and I have always been more successful in dating women of other races than I have dating Black girls. Why is that? I’ve asked myself that a thousand times over, but at the end of the day, I play the cards I’m dealt. If I was successful at dating Asian women and that’s who found me appealing the most, I would probably just date Asian women. Regardless of the color I am, I’m going to do what I’m successful at. But I’m not going to go back and continue to do the thing that causes me frustration, hurt and pain. I have a friend, Black women love him, so that’s who he dates mostly. That’s his path. He may marry one and have and raise another Martin Luther King Jr. I on the other hand, might marry someone white, and have and raise another Sade or Alicia Keys, etc..
And if your time in Europe was so refreshing, why did you come back? I am assuming all the men that was asking you out there for the most part were white Europeans, which is why I adjoined you to that Black male that you were referencing above that only dates outside of his race whom on paper you seem to be very compatible with. I would strongly suggest that you re-evaluate your thinking on what you DESERVE, vs. what you desire. Because to be honest with you, as people, we think we deserve a lot more then we actually do. I will tell you this, men are very simple creatures. Most mean desire a woman that’s domestic. We are not impressed by a woman’s educational accolades as women make think. This is not even in our top 5 of what we seek in a woman. We do not select women on the same criteria that women select men. A woman who can cook a good meal when a man comes home from work, will nab a husband quicker leading with that foot then a woman who has a double masters and leads with that foot.
Now that my long comment is over, I would like to add, that those guys who treated you like that growing up and when you go out were JERKS!
@Liquidsnake,Thanks for the really great comment. I know my comment was long, and I went off on a tangent at times. I did want to address a few things, however.
For one, a lot of the guys that did contact me with Ebonics, were black, but not all. Some were white to be honest. But I think that’s what bothers me the most, all other races of women are expected and typically are “allowed” only select mates that have the same (or higher) socio-economic/educational standing. But stating that I do not find guys from the ghetto attractive is somehow expecting that there’s a disconnect between what I think I deserve and what I actually deserve. (From what I got at least, but maybe I am just over exaggerating the claim you made. Feel free to clarify, I think I may be wrong).
I did take every sentence of your post seriously, and I will be spending some time reevaluating my beliefs on a lot of things. I however, will not be lowering my standards just to find anyone. I guess I’d rather be alone than end up with a guy I don’t have anything in common with and am not attracted to. I recently joined match.com hoping that maybe it was just okcupid that had that problem. But in actuality match.com is even worse. I would say over 80% of the guys I am matched with all do not date black women. So far I have received a few page views, but almost no messages from guys under 40 (I am in my early 20s). The few I did get from guys under 40 were from very unattractive guys, some were borderline obese, while others were just socially awkward. i.e sending me multiple messages every few days, after I sent them a “not interested” email. Or would send emails asking me personal questions.Signing up for match.com was such a waste of time ( and money).
As for attraction I find all races attractive, for me attractive is not just looks. But how a guy carries himself, his goals, ambitions, desires, how he treats women etc. I do find black males attractive though, but I should have stated that on more than one occasion after mutual flirting. I took a leap and told them how I felt, or asked them out. Only to be turned down and given the response ” I don’t date black women.” Now I know I shouldn’t have just stopped trying, but with most black guys I find attractive I have. It’s happened five times so far in my life. I don’t think I can do it again. Leaving me with only black guys I don’t find attractive (overweight, uneducated, ghetto etc.)
I completely agree about your point about adversity. I also think that may explain a bit of the difference between white guys in Europe and that of ones in N.America. The ones in Europe have immediate family, that are still alive that have experienced war, famine, disease, and oppression in their own backyards. And although they haven’t felt it personally, I feel they understand it a little bit better. Especially the importance of questioning your culture, government and society. (The French especially embody that).
As for being maternal and what not. I do actually know how to cook, and clean and what not. I grew up with a very traditional mother and father. She pushed me and my siblings to work hard in school as much as she pushed us to do house work and what not stating that “we would never get married if we didn’t learn how to (insert task here)”. I am well put together, really into fashion, I am feminine. I take care of my hair really well, so it’s fairly long (almost mid back length). I dress feminine, I stay in shape. Lack of femininity would be the last thing anyone would use to describe me.
I am Canadian by the way. Although I travel to America quite often, as half of my family lives there. So its more like having less than 33 million people to choose from (half of which are women, another half are either too old, or to young. Then a good chunk is married or in some sort of committed relationship, then narrow down all the men who refuse to date black women, and then all the men who I don’t have anything in common with or don’t find attractive). In the end I actually don’t have much to choose from. And as I get older. I feel that I have to choose between being single for the rest of my life, compromising with someone I can never be happy with, or moving away from all my friends and family and starting over in Europe. The upside being that I can easily find a quality guy willing to go out with me, and my future children (if I am so inclined to have any) won’t have to deal with what I grew up with. Which leads to the next point..
I guess for me my biggest deal is that I have been struggling to not having to admit that women like myself don’t “deserve”a quality guy based on my race. But as I get older I am finding it to be the case. For the many nights I find myself alone (either at home or out), regardless of my personality, regardless of my looks. I realize that no matter what I do, average and below average women of other races will always be able to find a good quality match before I do. And I don’t know if I want to bring kids in this culture knowing how hard I am having it, and knowing how hard they will have it just for having my genes (even if its half). In some ways I find, being black in the North American dating market is a close second to having a visual disability. It is not a slight against those who are disabled. It is just a comparison to the mind set. Many people will pass over those who are disabled, even if they possess all the other criteria they want in a partner. Based on the fact that they are disabled. In the same vain, I am finding many people doing the same for me as a black female. I am fun to hang around with, and occupy time with, or even use to get close to my other raced friends but that’s about it.
I was only studying in Europe, once my Visa ran out I had to return home unfortunately. But I think about how much I want to return everyday. I wish I didn’t have to return.
(Also for your last comment, you’d be so surprised how long it took me to realize that most were just plain jerks. I realized instantly the guys who’ve spilled drinks on me are jerks though so all hope is not lost for me yet. I guess I was just young and naive, for years I thought it something was deeply wrong with me. Either than I am hideous, or boring, or any other negative adjective.)
Hey I read your response. I hope everything is good on your end. Allow me to clarify and expand upon the first part your response. “But I think that’s what bothers me the most, all other races of women are expected and typically are “allowed” only select mates that have the same (or higher) social-economic/educational standing”
I’m not saying that you have to settle for someone who has less social, economical, or educational standing then yourself. You are well within your right to seek out someone you feel you will be compatible with. But please understand, depending on what you accomplished in your life, if more then half people have not made it that far, you have already excluded more then half of the population were you reside. I will use white women or men as an example since you live in Canada. There’s are an overwhelmingly more white population in Canada then Black population, so by the shear numbers, white men and women can afford to be a little more selective base just off of the numbers. Their numbers affords this to them numerically. Where you stated there are not many black people in Canada in comparison, and a lot of them that are there (guys)that you would consider, “mate potential”, only date woman outside of their race. I am NOT, and do NOT, suggest dating someone who is not intelligent, who is not ambitious to some extent, or anyone that is not respectful. But I think you may place too much emphasis on the social, economical, educational thing of it all. If you have a Masters, does he have to have a Masters? If so, why? What about a Bachelors or a Associates? Some careers don’t require a Masters. What about a person who has a trade like and Electrician, who may not have necessarily went to school but enter his profession through an apprenticeship and is brilliant at what he does and is ambitious. What about salary, If you make xxxxx, and he makes xxxx, does this disqualify him? These are hard questions that you have to answer. Because it is in a woman naturally, for a man to take care of them. So when you accomplish so much educationally and career wise, you are seeking someone on the same level as you or higher as you stated, so they can take care of you or at least “match” you let’s say.
But here’s the thing, Men do not like to Compete against there woman. I have this so you should have that. The reason why this is an issue, is because we do not pick or choose our mates that way. When a man pursues a woman, most men do not consider her education at the top of the list. As long as she can hold a conversation, she doesn’t have to have a Masters or a Bachelors degree. So even though a man may have a PHD, a masters, or a bachelors, he does not require his wife to be or girlfriend to have these things. Nor does he require her to make 6-figures or at least 80,000 a year, like a lot of professional women require their potential mates to do, because they have found success in their respected career field. Most men do not pick woman based on the metrics that your using. What appeals to a man when were looking for a mate, is totally different then what appeals to a woman when looking for a mate.
I was making a statement based off of your categorizing people of a lower status as “beings”, as if they were “less-than”. Because to GOD, we are all less than. No amount of education is going to win favoritism from him over another person. Because GOD does not look at external achievements, he values the intent and what’s inside of a person(heart). In any event, I have notice, the more education or money a person makes or acquires, the more they feel they deserve. They start to get a “this is what I deserve attitude because this is what I accomplished”. But here’s the thing, I’ve know women who have had NOTHING, no car or career job, but made statements that they would not date a guy who didn’t have a car, even though they did not have a car. So although there are many women who have accomplished a lot educationally and professionally, Men still wield the majority of the power professionally on a global scale, and if we were to exercise your metrics in looking for a potential mate, there would be many woman not married now. Because most people simply do not fulfill all of the metrics or the “bar” that’s being set. Most people don’t make 6-figures so if that is used as a criteria, you will have a more difficult time finding a mate. Most people don’t hold Master or PHD’s. Most people are between an Associates and a Bachelors, and some have neither, but like I said, have learned their trade through an apprentice program.
I would like to address this as well: “Only to be turned down and given the response ” I don’t date black women.” Now I know I shouldn’t have just stopped trying, but with most black guys I find attractive I have. It’s happened five times so far in my life. I don’t think I can do it again”
Welcome to the other side of dating. This is NOTHING new for guys, lol. Welcome to what we go through on the regular. Rejection. But if they weren’t interested in black women then they should not have responded to your email. It is a dating site and not a friend site.
I would like to respond to this as well: “I guess for me my biggest deal is that I have been struggling to not having to admit that women like myself don’t “deserve”a quality guy based on my race. But as I get older I am finding it to be the case”
If you are a quality girl, you deserve a quality guy. Period. But what metrics you are using to determine if a guy is “quality” or not? Advanced education and high salary does not equal a “quality person”. These are external tags, but they do not depict a persons character. I think you need to base more emphasis on what a person has going on internally, and not so much on social, economical, and educational status. Desire someone who is intelligent, but a higher degree does not necessarily equal that. A person with an Associates degree, can be way more intelligent then a person with a Bachelors degree. It really depends on the individual and how they apply themselves to what it is they’re doing or studying. Higher degrees just equate to extra years, doesn’t equate to intelligence level. Jayz, smart business mind, NO DEGREE. 50 Cent, smart business mind, NO DEGREE. Bill Gates, smart business mind, College Dropout! To further nail the point home, there are people in prison as we speak for dumb stuff, but while they were in there, read every book imaginable, no DEGREE, but now more intelligent then when that person went in. And some of them get degrees in their now. You can use secondary education as a filter, but it should not be a “hard filter”, meaning if you want someone that has a secondary education that’s fine, I would want the same for the most part, but don’t put a Degree to it like a Masters or a PHD. You’re just shooting yourself in the foot and shrinking your dating pool. If you find someone who has all the things that your looking for as far as education, salary, looks, does not mean you will be compatible? This person still has an “personality”, and it may not gel with yours, regardless of if they have the external tags your looking for. If your really a good person like you said you are, domestic, smart, fit, like taking care of yourself for you and your man, then who’s lost is it really? You sound like the kind of person any guy would want. But I will say this, not to beat a dead horse, cause I know he’s probably dead. Men want a partner in a woman, not a competitor. If he feels he has to compete with you on a money level, educational level, or anything like that, he will not stick around. If a man makes 70000 yr salary, (figure I’d use a number instead of xxxx to make it more realistic) and a women says he needs to make at least 85 or 90 to be with her or on “her level”, that man is gone! A man does not and will not compete for control over the house, regardless of what the salary or educational discrepancies there are.
I will tell you something, its not that most men are intimidated by a woman who makes more money, but a woman who makes more money feels she can control and run the relationship. Men are BUILT to be in control and to lead. We will not compete for something that is in us to do naturally. There is more to a man then his degrees, which is why he can make you feel like your on cloud 9, and have the ability to make you feel like your whole world just came crashing down. We can see the value in a good woman, and it ain’t got nothing (“ain’t got nothing”, yeah I said it) to do with her degrees or her salary. Trust me. Imho, I think you just need to use your metrics or your filter in finding a man as a guide, but it should not be in stone as far as exacts and detailed specifics.
You being black does not limit you, although you may feel like that. I know you feel that way because other people are stupid, and if your surrounded by a bunch of stupid people, it’s easy to buy into it. And what your saying is very real, people do judge you and I based strictly off of our skin color most of time before we even speak. You’re disqualified before you even go to the starting line. But, that’s there problem, don’t make it yours. And your only 23,24, why are you rushing?? I know you want someone whom you’ll be compatible, but I really honestly think you will find someone. Don’t date someone who’s a thug black or white or who has 6 kids. Why should you? You made some good decisions in your life to put you into a good position, so be with someone else who’s made or is making good decisions. Just remember, what I said about the metrics.
Long ass note is done.
“No, I have seen more black families reject specifically white men (not white women) than the other way around.No, I have seen more black families reject specifically white men (not white women) than the other way around”
Elle, then that is YOUR experience. As you said, “You have seen”. Your experience doesn’t negate mine. I also have diverse group of friends as well. And that has not been my experience and personal observation with friends and acquaintances. None of them have dated or been in a relationship with a black woman, but they find them attractive.
“That’s why often times they will date outside their race but never marry outside their race. They do not want to deal with the coming backlash or conflict they will face from their family and friends.”
The coming backlash from the opposing family is something to consider as well. From my experiences from some friends and acquaintances, there families threaten to “disown” them if they dated a “black guy”. Someone who’s close to their family, that is a huge deterrent. Never heard that coming from any of my black friends concerning white women or men. I know many black men that date outside their race. Some of their families probably have a problem with it. But I wouldn’t know because they still do what ever they want to do. That’s what I mean. Whether his family has a problem with it or hers, it is not a deterrent for black men generally. That’s why the interracial relationship number is second to White men and Asian women in the states. You live in Europe, so I can speak for Europe. I live in America, so I am speaking for my experiences here.
“Not saying that white families cant be racist but clearly black ones can be racist too”
Elle, where in my post did I ever say that Black people cannot be racist or some are not racist??
Go head, I’ll wait. Sellouts?? Are you kidding me??? Black Athletes and Entertainers are Ostracized for not having black wives. While you name Whoopi Goldberg who is an old story. Let me tell you recent ones of Black Men who have been ostracized and called sellouts for dating someone of another race: Tyson Beckford, Tyrese, Terrance Howard, Reggie Bush, Koby Bryant, Kanye West, Taye Diggs, Tiger Woods, the new one now. Micheal Jordan. Blogs set up by bw to boycott these individuals, and singers and whoever else they decide to target because their S.O. is non-black. BM do not create blogs or organize to boycott Halle Berry for having a non-black husband. They’re not trying to boycott Paula Patton, or create blogs about her for having a white husband. But this isn’t about “Black and White”. The point is whatever your decision is, you will have people from various walks of life and colors who take issue with what your doing. For every story you bring up about a bw’s plight with having a “White guy”, I can bring up 10 more examples with it being a bm.
“Or the fact that black women in America are often ostracized from their families for dating “the man”
“The Man”, black american’s don’t even use that term anymore lol.
“And sometimes their men are assaulted”
Assaulted?? BM have gotten KILLED over dating outside their race. Murdered. The statistics don’t even match up. You have no idea of the amount of blood shed spilled in this country over that very thing by the hands of another man or group of men because a bm was with or marry to someone who was non-black. You don’t know the history of this country to speak on that. I read papers, articles and blogs about other countries as well including yours, but it’s all head knowledge. I also read a book about Jets and aerodynamics, but it doesn’t make me a pilot.
Look, I don’t live in Europe so I can’t tell you how it is there. You don’t live in the States so you can’t tell me how it is here. Until you experience something for yourself all it is is head knowledge, you’ll never get heart knowledge unless you experience it for yourself. So let’s switch, I’ll give you the keys to my apartment, you give me the keys to yours. I’ll go to Europe for 2 years you come to States for 2 years. I’ll find a nice intelligent non black girl to date, you find a nice intelligent Asian man to date. After 2 years we’ll exchange keys, have coffee and talk about our experiences.
I understand your frustration. I know that being black and female…life is not fair to me even though I have done nothing to deserve it. Essentially, some of us bw have to pay for crimes we didn’t commit, because we are in the same racial group as the offenders. I have tried to leave this country and find a job overseas, but there aren’t many options there. Being the responsible woman I am I’m not willing to abandon all my debts, quit my job, leave my family to date men I want and couldn’t get here. I may have done it if I were just out of college but I’m stuck here with a mortgage and ridiculous student loans I need to pay back. So, more than likely I will be alone forever as there are too few men I’m attracted to period, regardless of race. It is what it is. Then when you add the mutual attraction and race issue the number may be about 1-2% of the entire male population nationwide I could be with given the stars were aligned perfectly. So, that’s just how the chips fall. There’s no point in complaining about it because it doesn’t help. Most of the time when you complain, people don’t care or are glad you have the problem and not them. Just suck it up, figure out how to maneuver and do something valuable with your life. There are various ways to not be lonely and depressed and to be of great value to society. Get out there. Bring others comfort who are sick, need somebody to help out, food, etc. I mean, at the end of the day and when your days are nearing an end. You will have lived a better life than most people and have crowds at your bedside to prove it.
I think it’s about the person not the race! To say I am not attracted to black, white, Asian, ect. is flat out ridiculous. What do you base that on? Are you not attracted to their skin? Facial structure? Hair? (Please don’t say personality because personality doesn’t have a color).
I think it’s funny because many guys of different race have told me “you are pretty for a black girl” or “You are the first black girl I have dated”. Which makes me come to the conclusion that it’s not about race it’s about individual. I have only dated a few people due to being in a long relationship now marriage. My now husband would say (before with me) “I would never date a black girl.” Now he is happily married to one (well biracial black/white). He now sees how ignorant he sounded and is embarrassed about it…
That should of made you feel ” a certain type of way”, if someone said to you, “you’re pretty for a black girl”. You should have been offended, because they already had a preconceived notion or stereotype about Black girls to begin with.
As for your husband, I glad he admits and sees that his comments were “ignorant”, but really, I would never even date someone who thought that way. Let me ask you this, when did you know that he felt that way? Before the relationship begin, in the middle, or near the wedding?
I denfinitely don’t take it as a complement when anyone says “You’re pretty for a black girl” Or “You don’t act black”.
I found out later in our relationship. We all have said foolish things when we were young, so honeslty it wasnt a big deal to me.
I think love know no race. I lived in vancouver and what I found strange was all the chinese hang out with chinese, indians are only with indians, but the whites hung out with all different races and mixed MORE than the minorities do. Also moslems never mix so they are quite obviously racist people. ALot of people in india are racist to their own people because they still have the cast system and treat people like dogs and women get raped every day just because they are dressing like a westerner and being more independent. There are some races that are definitely more racist and whites arent that race anymore, it other races………
I completely agree. There are many profiles of white women that state they ONLY date black or Hispanic men. Also, I’ve noticed that Asian men are often discriminated against yet Asian women are desired. If it’s purely a racial issue why does the discrimination primarily apply to just the male sex for Asians?
Whites no longer operate as a bloc politically, socially, or otherwise. Whites are trained to be “color blind” and to despise “white privileged” through our educational system while other races are taught to be “proud of your race” and to “remember where you came from”. Even though whites are already in the minority for child births in the US they can’t organize in colleges like every other race. Assimilation is forced for whites and whites only. I think think this is why, in large part, why many whites prefer and go out of their way to date outside of their race. It’s fashionable among the more educated classes to earn their progressive badge.
As a white guy I find other races attractive and have dated nearly every race. About a year ago I hit it off with an East Indian woman for a few months, however, her parents were strongly against us being together and we ended up breaking up. I’ve come to the conclusion that racial preferences ARE racist, however, like others mentioned, it’s a natural phenomena. I find the stigma of racial preference is quite peculiar when discrimination based on height(which has no bearing on health) and education level is completely acceptable.
there’s simply a higher percentage of asian women that are attractive than there are asian men. although asian men who ARE attractive and fit the typical qualities of masculinity tend to be highly desired, moreso than most asian women; it’s just that you don’t see them as often as asian women with ideal feminine traits. remember that non-asian men have lower standards than asian men when it comes to asian women; many of the ones that date non-asian men are not considered attractive by asian men.
Oh,come on. Tired of white men whining because you’re not high on the totem pole anymore. Get over yourself, and get over it.
I would disagree with you on a couple points. I don’t believe that preferences aren’t choices. A preference for one over the other, presents the person with an “option” or a “choice”. Case in point, you are not attracted to black, white, or Arab guys. As you stated, if they show you interest you RARELY consider them an option. That is a choice! You can consider, or you cannot consider. THE CHOICE IS YOURS. I respect everyone’s freedom of choice, but when we prefer one over the other, there is usually something malignant behind it. You have a strong attraction for Asian Men,
I personally do not have a strong attraction to Asian Women, all though I do find them beautiful as beauty is not determined by Race but by a series of features that we deem to be beautiful on a person.. God has sprinkled every race with this particular attribute. Some more then others. I choose my partners based on characteristic traits and attributes, race is not the determining factor in my dating decision. If I met a Asian woman, who possessed all or most of what I was looking for in a woman, I would date her. I do not have a “Strong Preference” for 1 race or ethnicity over another. Especially when choosing a life partner, to me that’s silly. Characteristic traits and attributes are the glue and fabric to any life sustaining relationship in my opinion.
Now I do agree with 1 point you made. If you decide that you will not date someone of a particular race or ethnicity because you have a prejudiced, negative view or stereotype against a particular race or ethnicity, this is no longer a “preference” of what you like, this is a prejudice against an individual based on a generalization that you formed about a particular group. Again, everyone has the freedom to “choose” based on their preferences, but sadly, most preferences are based on stereotypes and prejudices when it comes to not dating someone of a particular race, while dating others.
THIS RIGHT HERE IS A TYPO::
“God has sprinkled every race with this particular attribute. Some more then others”
This should read, “within every race there is a range of beautiful people, some more then others”
Ok, let’s look at this scenario: A man can have a preference for “Busty Blondes”. He has liked them all his life since he can remember. The innate desire to like Busty Blondes have always been there since he can recall. These are embedded desires or lustful physical qualities we look for in another person. If preferences are not choices, that would mean they cannot change. But Elle, they do change. The type of woman I am attracted to now, was not the type of woman I was attracted to in my late teens or early twenties. A female who was attracted to bad boys or bad men in her teens or early twenties, may now be attracted to a “good man”. There are some women who marry a good man, but secretly still “prefer” bad boys, but marry a good man because she knows that’s the “right” decision for her life. But there are some who truly despise bad boys now and no longer find them attractive. Same with men. There are some who will marry a woman because she is good for him. But there are some men who are smitten by their wives and she has “become” his preference, thus it changed from what he formally dated.
But going back to what I said earlier, I will use my self for example as it is the purest form of expression I can use because it is dealing with me. The type of women I was attracted to in my late teens and early twenties, is NOT the kind of girl I am attracted to now. Preferences change.
As far as “Fat Women” go. I’m not attracted to Fat women because I am not fat. I am fit and workout at least 4 days a week and maintain a consistent diet. If I were fat, I wouldn’t mind dating a Fat girl In fact, I would think that is the type of person I should be dating and thus fat girls would have probably been my “preference”. If I loss weight and got ripped, my preference would change to girls that are in shape.
Maybe it’s just my way of thinking, but as a man I believe beauty is beauty. The color it comes in is not of a concern to me, nor does it subtract or add to. You have a preference for Asian men, then why even consider Rarely White or Black men since it’s something that doesn’t changes for you?? I would not consider them at all, not even rarely. Is it because on some level you feel what you’re doing or some of your criteria for selecting men, which a lot of it is driving by race is wrong? You don’t have to answer that, as that was just a question you can ask yourself. And I am not trying to be argumentative with you either, I want to make that clear. I respected yours and anyone’s right of choice and preference. But I do believe, if people really examined the focal point of their “preferences” they would truly discover a lot more about themselves that they didn’t know was there as it pertains to race. Race is what were discussing here. Not fat or skinny, as anyone can be fat or skinny. Not everyone can be Black, White, or Puerto Rican.
I understand you were talking about the visual and not character. A “Bad Boy” image is not just about the act, it is a specific “look” that goes a long with it. When you picture a ” Bad Boy”, Idris Elba does not come to mind, nor does “Hayden Christensen”. My preference for women in my late teens and early twenties were “Curvy”, and I mean that in the traditional sense; (Marilyn Monroe, Tyra Banks, Beyonce, etc) Now I prefer petite women, thus my preference changed, meaning it can changed. But we can agree to disagree on that point. You have one belief, I have another.
“You wouldn’t have written an essay on how preferences can change had my preference been – the acceptable – black”
Elle, it’s your life. Your free to date whom ever you please. I am not offended in the slightest what your racial preferences are. I am not offended when bw date outside their race exclusively, or when bm do the same. I’ve dated outside of my race, and at this point, I have had more gf outside of my race then in. My area is mixed but predominately white, so my relationships have mirrored my demographics pretty much. If I lived in China, most of my gfs would have been predominately Chinese, if I lived in Switzerland, predominately Swiss. I still look for the same characters and attributes, I would just look for them where ever I was situated. I wasn’t trying to offend you, that was not my goal. But I think if a person EXCLUSIVELY dates outside their race, that’s not normal IMO. Whether it’s a White man, brown man, yellow man, Asian woman, Japanese woman, White woman, or black man. I don’t a “Pro Black Guy” agenda. I just think decent people need to get with decent people. I think that would happen more if everyone was purple.
Our disconnect just comes with how we choose to find potential partners. For you his Race is a strong criteria, and it happens to be outside of yours. For me, Race is not a very strong criteria, and it’s heavily weighted by other factors. That’s all. Wasn’t trying to offend you. We choose potential mates based on different criteria. Whoever you end up with, I hope their decent, because we really seem to have an imbalance of decency in the world.
“My preference for women in my late teens and early twenties were “Curvy”, and I mean that in the traditional sense; (Marilyn Monroe, Tyra Banks, Beyonce, etc) Now I prefer petite women, thus my preference changed, meaning it can changed. But we can agree to disagree on that point. You have one belief, I have another.”
Answer : Did you willingly change your preference? Was it a choice of yours to change what appealed to you? Did you wake up one day and make the “choice” to prefer petite women? If not, how then is my preference a “choice” that I made? And if you did choose, how about making the choice to be attracted to fat women or super tall women for a week? If our visual preferences are “choices”, then please change yours immediately and come again.
“But I think if a person EXCLUSIVELY dates outside their race, that’s not normal IMO. ”
Answer : But in your previous post you wrote to me : — “You have a preference for Asian men, then why even consider Rarely White or Black men since it’s something that doesn’t changes for you?? I would not consider them at all, not even rarely.” — Why did you tell me that you would do something that you consider to be abnormal? i.e. not consider other than Asian? You are obviously confused about your own beliefs.
“Our disconnect just comes with how we choose to find potential partners. For you his Race is a strong criteria, and it happens to be outside of yours. ”
Answer : I don’t see race as a “criteria” or something to be checked on a list per se, thats YOUR idea of how I feel. My man doesnt “have” to be “asian and nothing else”, my point is I am visual like everyone else, I know what I respond to without even trying, asian men happen to be the men that appeal to me the most. If race was a “strong criteria” then I would date just any asian dude, and would have ignored or suppressed the rare non-asian attractions, which is absolutely not the case. I go with the flow. It’s ok if you don’t get it, I am used to people not getting it. Those who generally get me are those who feel what I feel. Agree to disagree. :)
The answer to your first question is “Yes”. My change in preference was by choice.
“And if you did choose, how about making the choice to be attracted to fat women or super tall women for a week”
I have already made a choice, my preference is for petite women now. The above question is a challenge and not something to be taking seriously, as I have already change my preference by my choice, and not anyone else’s. You have now put to me a question of “do it again”, but I have already disproved your theory with myself. If one person changes preferences, then your theory is proven to be false, because you stated it is ” not a choice”, not just for you, but for everyone. So you painted a universal stroke!
“Why did you tell me that you would do something that you consider to be abnormal”
I said this because I already consider anyone who dates exclusively outside of their race to be a “abnormal” characteristic trait. So thus, if I thought that way, I would not even consider rarely dating someone within my race. Why would I? I can’t change my preference, and I have a strong likeness to x,y,z. It wouldn’t’ make sense for me to consider someone that i don’t see as a potential partner.
“I don’t see race as a “criteria” or something to be checked on a list per se, thats YOUR idea of how I feel. My man doesn’t “have” to be “asian and nothing else”
I never stated he just had to be “Asian” and that’s it. Clearly you have a list of characteristic traits that you look for, but you looked for them mainly in Asian men, because that is your preference. Anyone can possesses “characteristic traits”, as these pertain to an individual. Since you have a preference for “Asian Men”, you look for these traits in “Asian Men”. I got this from our talk and your statements, including this one:
“I’m a black woman (from Europe) with a strong preference for asian men. I like asian men, then hispanics, then natives and indians. Which means I rarely (not never) consider white, black and arab guys when they show interest in me”.
So when the White or Black guy exhibits or posses the traits you look for in a partner, by your own admission, you RARELY consider them. Why? Because the race of the individual is a strong factor in who you consider being in a relationship with REGARDLESS of if they possess all the things your looking for. It’s no different then Black Men who only date hispanic girls, or White men who only date Asian Women, or White Women date Black guys, etc. First thing that is checked off the list is: Race, check, then they look to see if they posses the particular characteristic traits that they crave in a partner. What am I mixing up? This happens in the states as well. At the end of the day, we all have to live our lives in a way that makes us happy.
Admittedly many of your points I don’t agree with but many others I do. The fat and skinny comparison is similar to the race comparison in that it’s entirely based on societal conditioning as to how attracted one is to the body type. However its also very different because race and colouring is not an indicator of present day health. While weight is. Preferences aren’t just random, inescapable borderline innate feelings. They come from conditioning of various experiences societal and otherwise. (sincerely a science student who’s also studied psych/neuropsych).
That aside I wanted to ask what country you’re currently residing in and if you’d recommend a country in Europe you felt the most comfortable and welcomed in.i was thinking the Netherlands is a nice mix. However it’s one of the few countries I haven’t been to in Europe. Thanks for your point of view.
“The answer to your first question is “Yes”. My change in preference was by choice. I have already made a choice, my preference is for petite women now.”
So you’re basically saying that you ‘create yourself’. You just woke up one day and decided, well from now on, Im gonna prefer petite to curvy. Pretty much like a guy whose passion has always been piano, he’s always been indifferent to flute, but one day just because he -decides- “forget about piano, from now on I DECIDE that my passion is flute” he magically prefers flute over piano. Who is he…Harry Potter? See how that sounds? Stevie Wonder can see through this crap. You cant make yourself fall for a fat woman, simply because you cannot change your tastes as you please – not even for a week – to be attracted to her. You refused to even try it for a week because you know you’re bound to fail. Someone who has never been into metal rock, though they’ve heard the music all their lives, will not all of a sudden find it the best genre in history simply because they wake up one day and DECIDE that “From now on, Marylin Manson is my idol”. Just like if you hate coffee, you cant magically make yourself love it by “deciding” that “Ok, today I choose to make coffee my favorite drink”. Again, this doesnt make sense.
“I said this because I already consider anyone who dates exclusively outside of their race to be a “abnormal” characteristic trait. So thus, if I thought that way, I would not even consider rarely dating someone within my race. Why would I? I can’t change my preference, and I have a strong likeness to x,y,z. It wouldn’t’ make sense for me to consider someone that i don’t see as a potential partner.”
Dont put words in my mouth. I said I had a strong preference not that I had a unique one and was exclusive, and if I did please quote me. Just because you prefer vanilla flavor doesnt mean that you hate all other flavors. DUH! You just have degrees of preference, some are stronger some are weaker. White, black and arab just happen to be the least attractive to me visually. And you’re right, I can’t change that! LOL! You may consider people who arent like “you” to be abnormal, but again you’re not the standard for anything.
“Anyone can possesses “characteristic traits”, as these pertain to an individual. Since you have a preference for “Asian Men”, you look for these traits in “Asian Men”.”
I look for these traits in whatever man that I am first attracted to, and they happen to be asian most of the time. Occasionally they are something else. And if I happen to be attracted to that something else, I will give that something else a chance and look for the same traits in them.
“So when the White or Black guy exhibits or posses the traits you look for in a partner, by your own admission, you RARELY consider them. Why?”
Where did I say that I rarely considered them when they exhibit or possess the traits I look for in a partner? This is your second time putting words in my mouth. Let me quote myself : “I like asian men, then hispanics, then natives and indians. Which means I rarely (not never) consider white, black and arab guys when they show interest in me”….CLEARLY I said I rarely consider them when they showed interest NOT when they possess the traits I look for. I didnt even give the reason, but I will give it now : because if Im not attracted, in other words, if the interest/attraction is not MUTUAL then I will not consider them. Clearly nobody is entitled to a green light just because they show interest.
” It’s no different then Black Men who only date hispanic girls, or White men who only date Asian Women, or White Women date Black guys, etc. First thing that is checked off the list is: Race, check, then they look to see if they posses the particular characteristic traits. What am I mixing up?”
You’re mixing us up. You’re the one who goes “Petite CHECK” first, “your choice”, and then looks for character. Our difference lies in the fact that whoever I happen to be attracted to gets a chance, it mostly happens to be asian, but Im not rigid and closed since I dont refuse other colors if I happen to be attracted to them even if that rarely happens. While you -specifically- look for a woman to be petite first and foremost (your “decision”), and THEN look for characteristic traits in those petite women. No curvy or taller or big women at all. Hey, thats your right. But dont be mad at me cause I happen to -mostly- like something when you stated that you decided to -exclusively- go for something else. You’re obviously more rigid than I am, Mr Universal.
“At the end of the day, we all have to live our lives in a way that makes us happy.”
“So you’re basically saying that you ‘create yourself’. You just woke up one day and decided, well from now on, Im gonna prefer petite to curvy.”
I prefer petite women because I work out and like to stay fit and be healthy, and I prefer the same in my gf. Do I think curvy women (remember Tyra banks, Marilyn monroe) are attractive. Sure do. But that is not my preference or preferred “choice” in a partner anymore as it was at one time. As we grow as people and mature, often times preference change, priorities change. Using your point, the artist prince plays multiple music instruments. He started off with a great love for the guitar, and only played guitar as that was his preference. As he branched out musically, he now plays Piano, Sax, Harmonica, Bass, etc. Did he wake up one day and say “I’m done with guitar, let me now move on to something else??? I don’t think it happen like that. As he musically matured, he fell in love with other instruments. Stevie Wonder would be able to identify with that and see it, as he started out playing the harmonica then moved to piano. Does he prefer piano now over the harmonica? I don’t know the man to ask him, but I haven’t seen him play one in a very long time.
“You cant make yourself fall for a fat woman, simply because you cannot change your tastes as you please”
Many marriages and relationships have started with one person not being ones “Preference”, but once they really got the know the person and be around the person, be it they were close friends or co-workers, they fall for them. Preferences aren’t about changing your taste as you please, preferences change as people change. Again, I had a preference for certain things when I was 20 years old, that I don’t have for now in my mid 30, they changed, because I changed. That’s something that just comes with maturity in any genre.
“I said I had a strong preference not that I had a unique one and was exclusive, and if I did please quote me”
You said Rarely, not exclusively, my mistake. Rarely, as in “there is a chance that I could hit the lottery for 100 million usd” if I play every week for 20 years. It could happen, but rarely will that ever happen. When I hear rare, and anyone else here’s rare, by definition that means there is a slight chance, 2% out of a 100, that it would or could happen. Very rare would be 1%. You said Rarely, not exclusively, but I would take that bet any day of the week if we turn the odds around. 98% is damn near a hook shot 2 feet from the basket, you can’t miss.
“I look for these traits in whatever man that I am first attracted to, and they happen to be asian most of the time”
I said that and agree.
“Where did I say that I rarely considered them when they exhibit or possess the traits I look for in a partner” “CLEARLY I said I rarely consider them when they showed interest NOT when they possess the traits I look for” “I didn’t even give the reason, but I will give it now : because if Im not attracted, in other words, if the interest/attraction is not MUTUAL then I will not consider them”
I already know that is your reason. If they’re not exhibiting traits you look for, they are rarely considered, if they are exhibiting those traits, they’re rarely considered. (if you’re not interested in them, you would not get to know them well enough to know their personality, but they can still exhibit “external” qualities that you look for; clean cut, well groomed, dress well, or whatever external qualities that you look for) Because your not attracted to White or Black Men in general.
“but Im not rigid and closed since I dont refuse other colors if I happen to be attracted to them even if that rarely happens”
I wouldn’t say the door is closed, I would say it’s cracked.
“You’re the one who goes “Petite CHECK” first, “your choice”, and then looks for character”
I have a preference physically, I don’t have a preference racially. You’re using Body shapes as your guide to defend your point, but this discussion is on preferences and race. But you cannot use race as the example even though that’s the topic because I don’t prefer or have a preference for 1 race to another. So on the point of this discussion, you have no talking point as it relates to that, because I don’t have a racial preference. Almost everyone has a preference when it comes to a person’s body type. You do, I do, most do. But as I stated, body type is universal and I can find my preferred body type in any race. It is not specific to a race, it is universal to all races. There is something about Asian men features that appeal to you more so then any other race. This is not the case with me. There are certain features I love in Colombian women, Black Women, White, Brazilian, etc. But I do not prefer or have a preference for one racial group over the other. They are all beautifully amazing in their right and I am open to all of it equally. So I will take your ridicule point and say that I am “Mr. Universal” on that then lol. I own the fact that I don’t have a preference when it comes to the race of my partner. You own the fact that when it comes to your potential partner Race plays a strong factor because you are privy to some races over others. I think you do own this, as you came right out and said who you’re attracted too and listed the order. So I agree with what you said in your last post as what your attracted too, I just believe that 1). Preferences can and do change.
“Using your point, the artist prince plays multiple music instruments. ”
Well, for Prince and Stevie, they didnt choose to love the instruments they loved to play, they chose to embrace their preferences in instruments, which is basic common sense and should be easy to understand! They didnt choose to love what they love but chose to embrace it. And note that MOST professional musicians stick to one instrument, you cant make rules out of exceptions. In general, preferences that appeal to our senses hardly ever change. It is common to hear people in their 40s to 60s say that they have always liked a certain type of man or woman visually since they were kids or teens.
“Preferences aren’t about changing your taste as you please, preferences change as people change”
Thanks for stating what I have always said, WE dont change our preferences – we simply cannot, but change MAY occur and when it does, it is not a deliberate choice, unlike what you had previously written, I quote : “I have already made a choice, my preference is for petite women now.” – In reality, you dont choose your tastes as you please, you chose to EMBRACE the change that occurred aka new preference IF it happens, difference!
“When I hear rare, [..] 98% is damn near a hook shot ” & “I already know that is your reason.”
Thats you making statistics, speculating and assuming, and putting words in people’s mouth. Keep betting. What more could I possibly tell you about myself? Apparently, you already know me well.
“your not attracted to White or Black Men in general. ”
Just like you’re not attracted to fat or taller girls in general.
“I have a preference physically, I don’t have a preference racially. You’re using Body shapes as your guide to defend your point, but this discussion is on preferences and race.”
And? Thats an analogy that has everything to do with the visual, so I can use it! This “trait” is just as shallow, petite women dont chose their body type just like nobody chooses their race, and the vast majority of women arent petite (well well)…so yes you are still quite rigid and narrow in your choice by choosing to stick to “petiteness” while I happen to get out of the “asianess” if the attraction for a man of another color is here. You dont have a racial preference? Some do. Some people dont have body type preferences. Some, like you, do. Big deal! All of those preferences are equally shallow. Yet people with racial preferences have to be scrutinized and labelled normal or abnormal depending on someone’s subjective standards? Thats weird in itself. You are not the standard for normalcy when it comes to preference.
We went back and forth and we still hold our own respective beliefs. I sincerely dont see the point in discussing this any longer. I still disagree with you, I havent been challenged, and you probably feel the same way about me, fine. A lot of my words were and are still twisted, but I am used to that. Maybe my mistake was to believe that the way I was raised would be understandable to you, but i realize that is not gonna happen. What I mean by that is that in Europe the perspective is generally different. A strong racial preference is not labelled ”racist” or ”abnormal” regardless of its exclusiveness or non-exclusiveness, within or outside of an individual’s race. It doesnt mean that we dont talk or care about race, we actually really do. It means that we recognize VISUAL STIMULI – which is something that we cannot control – as a FACT OF LIFE, that generally includes race. As much as we want to be politically correct, the human species is not colorblind. That is not racist, or abnormal, that is just (for many) an uncomfortable truth. It can and does happen that we are visually drawn to an ethnic group outside of our own, whether it happens mostly (my case) or exclusively (not my case), it is called a preference. In essence, it doesnt matter if we talk about body type, race, height, facial features, or whatever else you can think of, anything that creates VISUAL STIMULI, is a preference. And one cannot be visually stimulated on demand and by choice, which means that if long legs turn you on, you cant magically make them turn you off. If petite is your thing, you can ”make yourself be disgusted by petite” on June 25th 2015. If change occurs with time when it comes to visual preference (and that is not the case for everyone) its not intentional. We dont choose what visually appeals to us. We only choose to embrace it. That was my point from the beginning. Have a beautiful day.
LOL! I love these threads! It makes the case for why I don’t date US/Americans. All of the inbreeding in the US has produced some of the fattest, and dumbest people of all time.
Worry more about your educational system, ( I use the term very loosely) horrific crime rate, crumbling infrastructure, and less about the artificial concept of race, and maybe you will have masses who can hold an adult conversation, or have a proper healthcare system.
Of course you get “skin” privilege instead and real freedom or power… well played Oligarchy!
Hi there. I studied humanities and politics in University of Melbourne, and as I got from UN charter and others, “Its not racist if you prefer some ethnics, from other ethnics in terms mating/ dating/ marriage”. Everybody has their own civil rights/ liberties to determine their own life, including their culture inheritance or inheriting to their descendants. So it is completely not racist.
It is a different case if you treat others in employment, education, public service, or social (non dating/ marriage/ intimacy –> e.g friendship or daily social life), in bad ways depending their ethnics/ races, then you are racist. Sorry, you can’t say others are racist if they are choosing their dates based on ethnics/ races/ skin colour, because it is completely their human/ civil rights.
Sorry to say, but what many younger generations now completely wrong understand of being racist.
Please accept my apology but that’s the truth.
I think it is racist when people have preferences because their basing a relationship solely on race, which is VERY superficial and lacks depth. What lies on the inside is what matters, regardless of race… So from this article, I take it that someone would rather date a mediocre person or a jerk within their racial “preference” than someone with a heart of gold who happens to fall outside of their “preference”. People who have preferences haven’t experienced the world or life really. How do you know that ALL people of other races aren’t attractive? You may just meet someone who falls outside of your preference and they blow you away… People shouldn’t be so small minded.
I am attracted to a certain look or aesthetic. I have seen this look about 30-40% in black girls, but I tend to find it common in pale white women. Has nothing to do with specific bone structure or how round/sharp your nose is or exact shape of body it’s just if I like the combination as a whole and if you turn me on. I started of with fetishes for white women, then never wanted to date the for a few years dated brown women asian/ poly/ mixed, went to black women and now I like them trailer park white with less curves and petite. If it’s about experimenting nothing is wrong with it, and if it’s because you just have preferences at this time. If you always X out any person based soley on if they have any white or black with out even giving it a chance then you are racist…especially if you are attracted to them.
I agree bro!
It’s 2014, we now live in a globalized world, where people are influenced by many ethnic cultures. For me, it doesn’t make sense to automatically assume someone’s culture based on their skin color. If you saw me, you’d probably wouldn’t guess that I listen to Sade, Led Zeppelin, The Cure, or the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack. Like attracts like, some of you have written as “evolutionary” support of what I’ll call “homogeneous” dating (same race dating). Well, I’m going to apply that very same concept to myself: l am most attracted to those who are influenced by multiple cultures, regardless of their race, which may or may not lead to “heterogeneous” dating. How’s about them apples and oranges? If you look up “homogeneity and heterogeneity”, Wikipedia defines clam chowder as “heterogeneous” material. That’s delicious!
Terribly racist post. Stop using People of color for all your pathetically lame jokes. They’re not funny, not clever, tired, and old. Get some new material. But I am glad you posted this because it demonstrated to me that (a) you are in fact racist (b) extremely privileged and (c) enjoy alienating whole groups of people with whom you share this world. I’m sure you will claim that you are “joking” just so you can hide behind your cowardice for cheap laughs. Smarten up, Dick.
How is it wrong or racist to be more comfortable with your own race? Why are ppl forced to date or marry outside their race or nationality? Ppl don’t seem to have a problem with say a Mexican restaurant having nothing but Mexicans work there or a Chinese rest having nothing but Asians work there and so on..but they have a problem with ppl that want to be in a relationship with their own? Some ppl want a purebred animal..why? I am Italian and didn’t date or marry one and none worked out as they didn’t respect my traditions and culture that i was brought up in and loved. I finally did however find an Italian man and have been very happily married for almost 30 yrs. A racist is one that feels superior to other races and i do not think that is the case most of the time, they just prefer their own. I do not believe that is wrong..
If the stupid preferences on match.com are not racist. Then blackpeoplemeet.com is not racist because people make an account there to meet black people by default. I don’t have to screen through someones profile to see “oh she does not” like black people. Hardly seems fair in my opinion. good thing blackpeoplemeet.com makes it easy :)
I like this post – and all the discussion it raised. I’m a black guy, who grew up “white” (never met dad, or any of my black fam). I’ve experienced racism on both ends of the black/white spectrum. I work in the human performance / maximizing diversity field now, and find myself attracted to all races. I’m also very frustrated with Match.com b/c very few women actually check the ‘black’ box (i’d love the stats if anyone out there has them), by my unofficial guess would be 10% or less do. It sucks for me that right off the bat … a giant chunk (80-90%) of folks won’t date me b/c of their ‘preference.’ And I’ll admit … i’ve sent a few of the nasty-gram’s to some of the self-proclaimed “very open minded” folks (who checked “white”…) and I also admit I was wrong for that :o) It was less about them, individually, and more about the pattern I consistently face. I haven’t read all the posts above, but think a few key points rarely get made on this issue. One, how are you defining “racism?” When most folks have a loose definition of “racists” as sheet wearing, swastika-tat-having, bald-headed white folks (or angry, scary black panther’s on the black end…)….then NO. Almost NO ONE will self-categorize themselves as a “racist.” But if you define “racism”, as many social scientists do (racism = a system of unearned categorical privilege…) – then maybe your preference of only checking the “white category” can spark a slightly different, more focused discussion. That discussion leads to 2nd key question around “why” is that “just your preference?” I’d challenge people who pride themselves on open-minded to dig a tiny bit deeper into that question. I think (actually, in doing diversity work … I 100% KNOW…) most folks are almost completely unaware of “their why” … at least past the skin-deep, traditional “because it’s just my preference like ice cream” response. Want proof ? Why is it most folks don’t check the “black” box on match.com – but almost ANY of those same folks (whether they’d admit it or not) would marry Will Smith, or MJ, or Kobe…or fill in the blank famous, decent looking black dude? Why is it color (and looks for that matter) typically lose its status – when fame, or money, or higher-status of some sort is concerned ? Are these folks just money hungry, skin-deep, soulless bigots ? Umm – no, I don’t think so :o) But clearly, a persons sub-conscious “motives” and “beliefs” about their future, with an individual are at play. Unfortunately, both of those things are completely invisible, and never really get discussed. But you take away that “ethnicity” box, and read people’s profile, around who they’re looking for … most people say they want the same thing: humor, honest, fun, great smile & handsome, kind to others, long-term relationship minded…etc. So where’s the race-thing come in ? Where do people get that unconscious, value-based stuff formed and at what point in their lives ? From the cultural groups that they belong to (religions, generational norms, race, gender, family culture, political influence, geographic location, media of choice, socioeconomic status…etc). Most folks, especially if they haven’t travelled much, have little awareness about the explicit impact those groups have had on their invisible values. Before they even think about dating, most have hardened their view about “right and wrong.” they get minimal exposure to “different” (ala – “diverse”) people, thoughts, ideas, belief systems…first hand, especially if they haven’t travelled internationally much. Case in point … how many Americans do you know who live by the mantra “there’s no country I’d rather live in” …. that have NEVER LEFT this country ? How can they make that claim ? They literally have no CLUE if what they’re saying is true … b/c they’ve never actually been anywhere else. They’re making that statement based on what they’ve been feed by their cultural groups and the media. It’s ignorant. And, loosely speaking, so is checking the “white” box … for much the same reason. Think about these 2-completely conflicting, and all too common statements: “I only date white people” AND “My parents always taught me – we’re all God’s children… it doesn’t matter what color you are.” Ugghhh …. ;o) It may sound harsh, but if you check an ethnic box (whatever it is…) your parents probably also taught you (without ever telling you) – to only date “your kind.” Tomorrow morning, when you want up, look around at your family, your group of friends, and the people you spend the most time with at work. If they’re 90% (fill in the race, age, religion…etc) … then I have to ask you … why aren’t you just a tiny bit more conscious about …. what you might NOT be conscious about ?
Ugghgh, I agree with your statement(s). I too have had my frustrations with Match, and have come to the same conclusions as yourself, and I’m sure many others. The inability to be self-critical and evaluate why we feel a certain way, instead of just brushing it off as, well it’s my “choice”. Often times are choices are counter-productive, harmful, or short-sighted.
Sure, I assure you some of the same women who would not date out for say myself, would for say “Will Smith” as you stated. Do to the factors that you stated. This is to me an OBVIOUS discrepancy to my analytical mind, but many others just brush these things off. The problem is people really don’t wanna change, and they like to believe the best about themselves, whether it is false or real. But people who love truth, will love the truth about themselves whether it’s good or bad.
I have a friend who has mainly “white” friends, which is cool. But they all had GF’s (the males) and he didn’t, he’s Black. I hung out with him and them a lot and his white female friends were all fond of him. They all thought he was”cool” and “sweet” and always saying great things about him. A stranger looking on the outside would have thought he was sleeping with half of them the way they spoke of him and interacted with him. But sadly, he hadn’t been in a relationship with either of them. I asked why? He really didn’t have an answer, so I asked one of his female friends, if you she dated outside of her race, she said no, in so many words, and my question made her uncomfortable. He was with me, so now it was in his face, but I think it was always there, he was just too afraid to approach the subject directly. I said to him, there is a fundamental problem when someone is comfortable with being your friend, but is not comfortable with dating you. Your good enough to be friends with , but not date. I said to him in order for him to find someone he needs to open up his social circle, and stop hanging out exclusively with them. To this day, many of those same friends are married with children, and he is neither. Smh. If someone will not date you based on your race alone and nothing else, but says their your “friend”, you need to really question the nature of your friendship. Friends would not see color as a factor of dating with another friend. To not date someone do to not being attracted to them is 1 thing, but to find a person attractive but not date them because of their Race, is a serious problem. Many don’t approach this subject as you stated above, but I really don’t care about “awkward” moments, because life’s too short to dance around things.
Good write up bro. I agree whole-hardheartedly man.
Most Hispanic ladies who do choose a white man is for economical reasons mostly. Not attraction necessarily. In society we live whites are at the top of money pit. Regardless every Hispanic women I know is with a Latino man
As a person that’s bi-racial, I think everyone should be ashamed of themselves if they agree with this article. The truth is, people are unique and like different things. The unfortunate part is that because of systemic racism in this country, it has alienated the mixing of different races. It wasn’t that long ago in the United States that marrying someone outside your own race was okay (aka Loving case 1967). Think about that fo a second! That wasn’t even 50 years ago! I’ll generalize only because I see it happen. Match shows people’s racist attitudes. For a person of color; I’ve been extremely frustrated by the lack of diversity on match. And, the backwards attitudes that women have. This isn’t a biological behavior, it’s learned from family and society unfortunately. I’m really considering NOT using match again because of how racist people’s attitudes are to dating on that site. At this point in time, people should not have any problem feeling attracted to people outside of their ethnicity. This is a learned behavior, and unfortunately, is the problem with dating sites in general.
Wow this thing is still going. I concur David. I use Match a couple times but have stopped using it permanently, for the reasons you state above. People associate Racism often times with slurs and a physical assault of some sort, but they over look the attitudes, ideas, and societal preferences that people are indoctrinated with that are shaped around race.
I will never use Match again personally. I’m in a relationship now, but If I weren’t I wouldn’t use it again, or any other dating site for that matter. The same element is going to be there in all of them. If I was a “white male”, I would use Match, or any other dating site that was not ethnic color specific. Since the majority of the population in the States racially are “White”, dating sites like match are going to be curved towards them, simply because of the numbers. So theirs no need for a “White Match.com” or a “White Planet.com”, because they make up the majority, so any dating site that jumps up will allow them to essentially have there own site sort to speak. Also, dating sites are just a “wish” list for most people. When your out and about, and see someone that catches your eye, 9 times of out 10 your wish list would have superficially disqualified them, and vice-versa. Stick to real life encounters bro. When you see someone that catches your eye, they will never have or be all those things you’ve listed as looking for on your dating profile. When you meet someone that catches your eye, you’ll find out that the majority of those things on that list were not all that important.
The majority of the women on match, who clearly state that there match should be “white”, would date and marry and have kids with “Will Smith” or “Tiger Woods”. Why? Because money and economics transcends race. They don’t look at Will Smith or Tiger Woods as a black guy, they look at them as a “rich guy”. Some will say a rich guy is a successful guy, but I think success comes in many forms, finance is just one of many. If the average women cannot marry that kind of guy, they believe they have a better chance of achieving some sort of economical success with the average “white guy”, versus the average “any other kind of guy”. And yes bro, this behavior is taught, and it starts relatively early. But why do they think this? Is it because being White in the United States provides certain advantages, simply just for being “white”, before any effort comes into play? Many people will tell you there are no advantages to being White, in an majority white country, ran and operated by a majority of white individuals. I’ll let you be the judge of that.
Happy Holidays bro
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This post is one of the most willfully ignorant, arrogant and insulting I have read in a long time. You, author, are a racist. No qualifier. You are just a racist. And it’s not “not offensive” as you wrote. Racism is not only offensive, it is soul-crushing, needlessly hurtful and at times, deadly. Several commenters have responded more eloquently that I can, but the bottom line is that if you are choosing to tell yourself that an entire group of people are not attractive to you, you should immediately do some research on how society facilitates and maintains the oppressive racism you are brushing off as preference.