They give off more of a Nerve.com vibe...

I can’t even begin to guess how many Internet dating profiles I’ve read. Probably thousands. (It seems I can begin to guess.) I’ve seen all the techniques. Some try to grab the reader’s attention by being funny, firing off a joke a line, even if it doesn’t reveal much about who they really are. (Sometimes works.) Or they’ll play with the format, writing their profile as if it were a letter to cupid or God or some omniscient Match deity. (Never works ever.) Some go romantic, describing how they’ll know when they’ve truly found The One. (Works if you don’t mind being a total dweeb.) Others still opt for the tried and true, making their profile as boring and cliche-ridden as humanly possible. (Works 100% of the time.) But the other day I discovered something new. An approach so bold, so courageous, I knew the author was one to watch. What better way to stand out from the crowd than to not be nice, or clever, or playfully charming, but to be a complete fucking asshole? I mean, nobody forgets an asshole, right?

I was strolling through profiles this weekend, as I like to do in lieu of going outside, and I came upon this gem. I read it several times to make sure it wasn’t a joke I was missing. I gave it a day, came back, and found it unchanged. Normally, I try very hard to avoid specific references to specific people on here, as I’m really not trying to make anyone feel bad. But this profile was too egregious to not paste in its entirety. It’s brief, but direct, and is unbelievably effective at making you want to punch the author in the face. Feast your eyes on The Asshole’s Profile…

Hello. My “no” list.

NO:

1) waiters
2) men with children or divorced
3) fatties/uglies
4) men who say LOL, LMAO, LMFAO, ROTFL, or any other horrendously lame acronym
5) use of emoticons, other than to be sarcastic
6) Anybody over 35
7) Anybody who didn’t go to college.

Nice to meet you!

Honestly dude, I dont love your chances...

Where do I start? No waiters, emoticons, LOL acronyms…oh, right. Now I remember! Number 3. No fatties/uglies. NO FATTIES/UGLIES?! Seriously? Are you a real person, or something that was edited out of the script of “Mean Girls?” Who says no fatties/uglies?! It’s deranged. Sure, deep down you’re entirely permitted to not be interested in the overweight or people you don’t find attractive – but you can’t write out the words NO FATTIES/UGLIES! If Hitler was putting together a dating profile (on Eharmony, obvs) and wrote “no fatties/uglies”, his buddies would be like, “Whoa, Adolf. Chill out on the fatties uglies shit. I mean, we know you’re Hitler, but you don’t want to come off like a total prick.” And then Hitler would think about it, weigh both sides, and ultimately decide to cut the line because you can’t be an asshole all the time. This little darling however left it in.

What you’re wondering is, “what does this chick look like? I bet she’s not so perfect herself.” Well, unfortunately, she is fairly perfect. She’s very cute, in that “Daddy, one of the landscapers got some dirt on my Jaguar” kind of way. And I’d tell you her screen name, but this post is already personal attacky enough, so you’ll just have to take my word for it.

What I don’t understand is, why? Is there anyone who’s not turned off by reading “no fatties/uglies”, even if they are equally disdainful of the fats and ugs? I’ve found a lot of profiles that get aggressive, saying “If you’re over 40 or don’t have pictures, get out of my face!”, and it’s always off-putting. Though in life I never adhere to, “If you don’t have anything nice to say…”, on Match, I think I’m gonna. Internet daters are already on the ground, there’s no need to kick ’em when they’re down there too.

At least she said it was nice to meet me…