A common misconception about Internet dating is that many of the women are actually prostitutes looking for customers, but that’s not true. In reality, most of the women are prostitutes looking for customers, so you better get good at picking ’em out of the crowd. I talked with a girl for a few weeks once before realizing that she was an escort, ignoring conspicuous amounts of bad grammar and borscht references for the sake of a few pretty pictures. What finally tipped me off? One day she said “So maybe you take me for champagne and dinner at Tavern on the Green?”, and I knew the gig was up. The only people who go to Tavern on the Green anymore are confused tourists, Ed Koch, and people on dates with prostitutes. You wanna go somewhere you’re not gonna be seen? Just look for a restaurant that’s still preparing Caesar salads table-side. You’ll be in the clear.

So how do you, loyal reader, identify a hooker when you see one on Match? Here’s my list of telltale signs…

10. Favorite first date activity: trading ATM passwords.

9. Every verb is inexplicably declined in the future progressive. For instance: “I will be liking very much to have cocktail now, please,” or “I will be taking your money for handjob before we do, yes?”

"Hands off merchandise!"

8. Coming along on all your dates is her “brother” Vlad, who yells “He pay first!” every time you lean in for a kiss.

7. Under Favorite Hot Spots, she lists: “Lower East Side, the West Village, Stalingrad at sunset.”

6. Word repeated most often in her profile: generous. “Most of all, I am looking for generous man who knows how to treat lady generously with generous generosity.”

5. Pictures in a bikini? Absolutely. Pictures in lingerie? Very Possibly. Pictures while seductively clutching a teddy bear? For some reason, 100% yes.

Inexplicably, every time I come across an obvious lady of the night profile, she’s hugging a stuffed animal. Often it’s in lieu of clothing, and usually she’s making a suggestive face towards the bear. As if the viewer is thinking, “Look at how into sex she is! She even wants to fuck that teddy!” Somewhere in Russia they are teaching young woman that American men love died blonde hair, acid washed jeans, and erotic teddy bear clasping. I don’t know why this is so, I only know that it is…

Prostitute.

Also prostitute.

4. When she meets your Mom and Dad, she says “If she wants to watch, it’ll cost double.”

"OK, everything on my back was twenty-five dollars..."

3. Under turn-off’s, she puts “personal checks.”

2. She keeps a price list on her bedside table.

And the number one sign your Internet date is a Russian prostitute…

1. You met her on OKCupid.

Boo-yah! Eat it, other dating site!